You got this Andie.
Just do it.
Okay...
I take in a long, deep breath and try to at least overpower the noise of the paper that's crinkling in my hand.
"My mum," I exhale and continue as my hand shakes from all the nerves. "My mum isâwasâthe best person I knew. Have you ever come across something who had a soul too beautiful, too extraordinary for this world?"
"She... She was one of those. She told me one thing is most important when I live my life. It's that whatever challenges I face, even if I feel like that problem isn't ever going to disappear, it soon wouldn't matter because it'll be the past."
My bottom lip starts to quiver and my vision begins to blur so I can no longer make out the writing on the paper.
I try to calm myself by looking around the room but I only feel worse when I see my aunt as she cries next to the rest of her family. People are either wiping their eyes to get rid of the tears or have their hand against their mouth to try and quieten their cries.
"But I really don't know how I-I-I can do that at the moment because you aren't here to help me, mum." Turning to my right, her coffin has a bunch of purple and yellow flowers in an order to spell 'mum' and four red roses placed neatly on top by me, Aunt Nadia, Uncle Mark, and Josh.
"I d-don't-t know h-how to do I-it without you." It seems too hard to hold in my sobs and I don't fight it anymore but I don't stop speaking.
I have to finish. It will be the last thing I say to her.
"I always t-t-thought you would b-be there when I walked down the aisle. T-t-that when I have my first heartbreak you'll b-be there. When I have my f-first child you'll be there and you're not." I quickly wipe my eyes.
I'm not speaking off what I wrote anymore, I'm saying what feels right, right now.
"You're meant to be here and you're not. I-It hurts mum and I d-d-don't know how to make it stop." I'm not even speaking to the other grieving people here anymore, I'm speaking just to her.
"I-I hope you can hear this and I'll see you soon mum. A lifetime seems like forever but I'll wait, I just hope you'll wait too." I walk to the coffin and rest my hand on it, bowing my head before I turn my back to it, to her, and walk away.
*******
Silence is what's surrounding me and there's a constant sorrow that's weighing on my shoulders. I can hear the car tires against the gravelly roads as we drive and the rain drizzles on the window.
Since I'm not old enough to live alone, I have to move into my aunt's house starting today. Not what I wanted to be doing on the most heartbreaking day of my life. It's only been a week since her passing and I miss her like mad already.
I was always close with my mum and I think it was because once my dad walked out on us, we only had each other and I looking back on it now, I don't think I would have had it any other way.
The only thing I remember of him was the ongoing arguments anyway, one day he just left. Slamming the door behind himânever coming back.
There was this one time that I went on a school trip for a week. I remember having so much fun and I missed her, but not as much as I do now.
I think it was because I knew that as soon as I pulled up at the school gates, she would be waiting for me.
I would see her again.
But this time it isn't like that... I won't see her again.
When people die of cancer, some might say that they 'lost their battle'.
You don't lose the 'battle'. My mother fought for months and months on end to try and kill it. That definitely isn't losing. Being that strong to even fight for that long is winning, definitely not losing.
I recall the exact day I realised that even though she may have been breathing, she wasn't living.
Living is making the most of life while you have it. It's the adventure, the fun, the laughter, and happiness. All those memories that make you smile and wish you can go back and do it again. That's living.
Even though it kills me to admit it, she is in a better place than she was here. She's now free from the ongoing pain and tiredness.
I rest my head against the window while small droplets of condensation fall, mimicking the tears streaming down my face. Closing my eyes, I try and rest but I see myself instead. I'm watching the scene unfold in front of me all over again...
"Thank you." I force a smile and grab the two coffees off the counter and head back to the hospital room.
When I get there, it's what I expected. She still hasn't moved positions since the day she was rushed inâthat was 3 days ago. She had a high temperature and passed out, so she was rushed in immediately.
The last time we were here, the doctors sat us down and told us she doesn't have long left but I still don't believe it. She'll get through it and we can get back to the way it was before. We can be happy again.
When they first said it, she did the first thing she did when we found out that she had cancer. She accepted it, as the strong person she is, while I was in denial and refused to believe that my mother was in fact, dying.
"Mandy?" I look up and I'm forced to be faced with the upsetting scene of what I have been for a while now. My mother attached to multiple machines and a large number of wires.
"You'll remember that I'll always love you, won't you?"
I smile sadly, walking closer to her once I've put her coffee down on the bedside table which is next to her.
A little too strong with two sugars. Just how she likes it. I place my hand on her arm and just nod.
"I promise I'll always be there. Even if you can't see me, I'll be right there with you. I wanted to thank you for everything that you've done for me while I've been sick. Even before that, you did so much and you have truly made me a proud mother." I look down at my hand as I move it to her, the tears dropping onto me.
Why is she speaking in the past tense?
She's laying there with strong emotion in her eyes and her voice is croaky whenever she speaks.
A nauseous feeling starts to grow in my stomach and try to ignore the thoughts that are telling me that this is her goodbye, that this is finally it.
The moment I have been dreading and prayed would never come.
I shake the thoughts away, sitting right on the edge of her bed. "I love you so much but you're not going to leave, okay?" I smile, while the tears still fall on not only me but her as well.
"You're going to stay here with me and you'll be fine, everything's going to be ok-" I frown deeply when I'm interrupted by a loud noise which is buzzing continuously.
That's when I see her eyes starting to flutter closed and the panic begins. No, this isn't happening... She's just tired. All she is getting is some sleep, she's resting.
"Mum?" I say quietly, shaking her gently. There's no response and the tears start streaming faster than ever.
"MUM?" I shaking her harder now and I release a sob. I continue to shout while pressing the emergency button on the bed repeatedly.
"DOCTOR! I NEED A DOCTOR." It feels like I can't breathe and the air is slowly being sucked away.
"PLEASE, I-I-I NEED A DOCTOR!" A team of doctors finally run into the room and crowd around her, shouting orders at each other.
Tears run down my face rapidly and I stand in the corner of the room, unable to move. A doctor must see me and walks over trying to direct me out of the room.
"I'm not leaving! I can't leave her!" She rests a hand on my shoulder as some type of comfort while smiling sympathetically.
"It's okay miss, but you need to leave. We will try everything we can to get her back to a stable condition."
She walks me out and the next five minutes consist of me looking through small blinds on a window as I watch them attempt to bring my mother's body back to life. I don't think I've ever felt so useless.
All the doctors start to mutter things I can't seem to hear while I'm outside the room and that's when I knew, as soon as they put down the equipment, that she was gone and this time...it wasn't temporary.
"Time of death 5:56 pm, Thursday 28th December 2018. May she rest in peace." They all bow there heads then look up slowly before heading out as if it were rehearsed or something. They all look at me with what I think is deep empathy.
I'm still a crying wreck when I walk back into the room and I sit on the chair closest to her. The thought of her being in a coffin starts to flow to my head and there is only one thing I think about.
She doesn't like small spaces...
I'm brought out of reliving all the haunting memories when the car comes to a halt. I've just arrived at my auntie's expensive oversized house in a town where I will be attending school for the remainder of the year, to at least try and get a fresh start.
Images of mines and my mother's small but yet comfortable home come to mind and I'm forced to stop dwelling on the memory as my luggage is dragged past me by my uncle.
My aunt comes out from the car, embracing me in a hug. "How are you, honey?" She asks and the crack in her voice doesn't go unspotted.
Nadia and my mum were always close siblings and whenever she could, she came and visited us along with Josh and Mark.
They all helped take care of us and get us everything we needed. Especially when we struggled for money when it all went to the medical bills.
"I'm fine," I lie. "I just miss her that's all." Now that bit wasn't a lie, that was the truth.
"I know honey, I know." She cooed and hugged me even tighter.
After a few hours, I get as settled as I can but my mind is still only focused on one thing.
After the funeral, I've spent the rest of the day thinking of all the times I spent with my mum and wishing it was that way right now.
I know I shouldn't muse on the past and should try and stay focused on the present, but it's harder than it sounds. When you have constant grief lingering over you, the only thing you can think about is the person you are missing.
I have a shower to try and freshen up. Getting ready for bed, I wrap the duvet around me in hopes that I can get to sleep quickly.
Hopefully, It is one of our movie nights I'll dream about tonight.
******
I wake up after having slept for the longest that I have all week. Making my way downstairs, Nadia is making breakfast while Mark is at the table reading the newspaper. "Josh should be down in a minute." I give her a small smile as a reply and on cue, my cousin walks in.
"How are you this morning?" He asks after grabbing a cup of coffee.
"I'm okay," I say a little too quietly. "What about you?" Wow. This small talk is awkward.
"I'm good." I nod, cringing at myself. Let's hope it's not always going to be like this.
I grab a piece of toast after turning down Nadia's offer for some eggs. "Do you know when I'm going to be starting school? I think I could use a distraction." I ask while taking a bite out of my breakfast.
"Yes actually, I was meant to ask if you're fine starting school so early after moving. What about this Monday? We were both thinking that it would be better to start on a new week." I turn to look at Mark and he's nodding in agreement.
It's definitely earlier than I was expecting. If I say yes then I'll be starting school in less than two days.
"Erm... sure, I didn't realise I would start that early, but I think it would be a good idea. So you go there then Josh?" He nods and after finishing my food, Nadia offers to take me out to get a bag and all the basic school stuff.
It almost feels as if I'm starting everything all over again. Like I'm trying to cut off all ties with my old life, but that's the opposite of what I want to do.
Dinner was all cooked and as soon as Mark came homework, we all sat at the table and it was served. It has been so long since I was last here but I'm usually here with my mum, that must be why it feels so different.
We never lived incredibly far away from them all, it was only two towns, but occasionally it was difficult to get to each other because of work and traffic.
Luckily, my mum is now buried between both towns so it won't be hard to visit her.
I go upstairs and turn my phone on for the first time this week to see a text from one of my best friends. We used to live extremely close and never went a day without speaking to each other, but for the first time in forever, this is the first contact we've had with each other all week.
She didn't know I was leaving until the last minute so it must've been a surprise to her, but she did text me hoping that I'll come back and visit soon. I wasn't exactly popular at my old school but I did have my small group of friends I hung around with, but I was extremely close with two of them.
After texting her back, I get wrapped in my duvet and only one thing is playing on my mind, making my stomach churn.
School...
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AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Hey guys, I hope you like the first chapter of my first book and continue to read the rest of my story, it means a lot to me. This isn't the best story ever bet but this is the first book I've ever written.
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P.S: I have a instagram account where I post edits (usually after, tvdu, obx etc) and occasionally book edits. It's @aftertvd so if you're interested, be sure to check it out! You can dm on there if you want as well â¤ï¸