Chapter 39: 36 | of best friends and boyfriends

Without their outdoor seatings, the streets seem bare. This time of the year – without the clinking of glasses, without the loud chatter carrying through the air, without families and groups of friends alike wrapping up their days underneath the setting sun – they're too wide, too quiet. Even more so on this cold day.

Despite wearing the headband Callie once knitted for her, there's a pounding to Avery's eardrums as she flies down the street, the soles of her runner shoes lightly slapping the pavement.

It's been three weeks since Robert left town and she hasn't heard from him since. Not that she's been expecting her father to be in touch. Robert won't come crawling for her forgiveness. He probably doesn't even consider there to be anything for her to forgive.

Swift in her step, she whirls through the south side of the park. The trees lining the gravel path are merely a blur of bare branches in her vision before her feet touch against pavement again. Her heart thunders, warmth flushing her skin from the inside out.

Her days in Colorado were the same as every year. Fun, freeing, a time to take a break from everything else. A much needed break this time around.

Another row of houses, the soft colors of their facades melting into the clear light blue winter sky, passes her by as she steers her steps out of the city centre and toward the ice hall.

It had been nice, right, to spend some uninterrupted days with the people she loves – her mother, Tammy, Harold, Caia, Benjamin. And Luke.

Spending Christmas Day the way they have for over a decade now. Spending a week in the mountains. Walks in snowy landscapes, too many people crowding the kitchen at once while cooking dinner together, nights in front of the TV accompanied by bowls filled to the brim with popcorn. Blankets drawn over their legs and movies they've all seen before playing on the screen. Time to read her books. Hitting the slopes with her mother. Or with Caia. Or Luke. Or everyone. Once again, far too many people crowding one space.

The seven of them taking up an entire corner of one of the quaint town restaurants, their chatter far too loud in the room, too many branches of conversation carried at once.

And, a new favorite pastime of Avery's, spending her days making fun of Luke. More accurately – Caia and her making fun of Luke for being glued to his phone. Or rather, being glued to Lea on the other end of the text. Or the call. Or the FaceTime call.

Reaching the ice hall, she has to slow her step ever so slightly as not to tumble straight into the crowd lingering around. The parking lot is packed, people spilling in and out of the arena as their voices carry through the air.

As soon as she's a few paces away she kicks up speed again, her feet barely seeming to touch against the ground of the boardwalk as she runs along it.

Her lungs strain against the cold, the air growing chillier as she's exposed to the ocean. From her fleece sweater to her supposed to be isolated mittens, the breeze makes its way through the fabric of her clothes – leaving a trail of goosebumps to erupt over her skin.

As per tradition, Sarah and Avery had left in time for New Year's to visit Barbara and Tom, exchanging snowy mountains for city lights. Their days spent playing boardgames, eating meals upon meals and browsing through more than a few bookstores. As well as ruining her shoes in the gray-ish slush lingering along the sidewalks while making her way between said bookstores.

Sat on her grandparents' petite balcony – the space barely fitting one seat but still giving her more room than that of a Juliet balcony – in the otherwise quite quiet neighborhood, she'd been surrounded by the cheerful sounds of people ringing in the new year. With her coat still wrapped around her, just having gotten back from her family's dinner celebrations, she'd been sat out there with a smile on her lips until the late night hours transcended into morning. Only hanging up on her FaceTime call with Ethan as her fingers had grown from numb to freezing, as her tired yawns were accompanied by her eyelids falling shut for minutes at a time.

But that was a week ago and the more days that pass since she got back to Acebridge, the harder it is to escape the jumble of her mind. The harder it is to escape everything that happened before she left. No matter how hard she tries to outrun it, it's beginning to catch up to her. Still, as she passes the row of Bed & Breakfasts lining the end of the boardwalk, she quickens her step. Darting off it, her feet sink into the sand as she runs along the shoreline.

Silence – or plain stillness – seems her foe. The moments of silence provide nothing but a chance to stare at nothing in particular while her mind runs wild. They provide nothing but the outcome of a tension lingering within her, hovering above her.

Her days are long, yet they all seem to melt into a blur. She does her school work. She spends time at her friends' houses. Nic or Callie's houses preferably. They give her space, while everyone else always want to make sure she's doing okay. Most, she spends time with her mother – be it playing a game of cards or folding laundry together. And then, she runs.

There's something satisfying about running in the January weather. In some ways she likes how the cold tears at her, how the hard wind chills her to the bones even through her layered clothing. How it strains at her airways, adding a bite to her flushed cheeks.

Setting off up the beach trail, she takes the uphill slope in smaller but quicker steps before shortening them further, careful as not to tumble as her path becomes narrower. The bare branches surrounding her whip in the wind as she forces herself to become mindful of where she places her feet. Sidestepping roots as her eyes gaze out at the dark blue below, eyes tracing the far-away edge of the sea as warmth seeps into her skin from within to fight off the cold.

Sometimes Ethan runs with her. Keeping up with her changes of pace and quick turns.

She's not completely clueless. She's aware it's less of a wish to spend time outside on his part and more of a want to make sure she's okay. To make sure she doesn't strain herself too hard. It's all written in his flickering sideways glances, in the way he purposefully slows or shortens their routes. And she tries. She's trying. She is. But it's easier not to have to think about it – to let the denial wrap thick and heavy around her mind. So while he slows their routes, she kicks up speed. She doesn't mean to. She just needs to run.

Taking a left off the trail, the neighborhoods replace one another as she dashes through them. The warmth flushing her from within melts together with the cold sharply prickling her skin as her chest positively aches, a cry caught in her throat as she pushes into a sprint.

Spending time with Robert had, for the most part, felt like encountering a stranger. Through their dinners, while strolling about town together and even before that – during their phone calls. Over the past decade, they have shared no milestones.

Beyond their phone calls, beyond the facts, they don't know each other. It's a hard truth; but it's the truth. Still, it has never stopped her from wanting him to be her father. It has never put a stop to her wishful thinking. It hurts. She doesn't want it to hurt, but it does.

She suppresses the ache in her every muscle as she passes Nic's house, quickening her step without thought. Turning the corner, her house comes into view and her breathing grows shallow as she conquers the slight hill. She doesn't let her legs – or herself – give in until she's crossed the sidewalk, toppling onto the frost layered grass of her lawn.

Kicking her legs and arms out long, her heart drums in her chest. She glances up at the blue above, one of her palms coming to her side to soothe the hint of pain beneath her ribs, her now heavy breaths escaping her lips in misty clouds.

♡♡♡

'Luke'

Want to go for a walk?

Avery wraps her cardigan closer around her, taking her gaze off the screen of her phone to squint out the kitchen window. According to her mother, it's supposed to be warmer outside today but with the way their house has chilled overnight she's not too convinced that statement rings true.

Next, her gaze turns to the textbooks lying wide open before her where she's sat by the table. The flame of the candle lit in the center of it flickers as she lets out a long sigh. She's been at this for hours now, the clock nearing noon. Despite the mellow sounds of her mother singing along to a Shania Twain song upstairs, despite Sarah's tone-deaf notes being drowned out by the sound of their vacuum cleaner, the house is growing far too quiet for Avery's liking.

Her eyes flicker to her phone again and she picks it up with another small sigh as she brushes some bread crumbs – a remainder of her breakfast – away from the margin of her book. She puts the candle out, gulps down the last of her tea and types back a simple yes.

♡♡♡

Walking along the beach trail, they fall in and out of silence.

In an attempt to save it from becoming a wind-tousled mess, or more of a wind-tousled mess, Avery twists her hair up in a bun before blowing air into her cold palms. Out here, the ocean breeze adds a chill to the otherwise calm and mild air – only a few small clouds dot the blue in the horizon.

Luke swiftly lifts a tree branch to not have it whip their faces as they sidestep a jumble of roots. "So," He begins and Avery tenses in an instant, having thought she succeeded in escaping the conversation about the Robert of it all when she diverted it upon meeting up by the ice cream parlor earlier. "Ethan says you're not talking to him."

Her brows knit together. Blowing a pink bubble of her gum, she shoots him a glance as she pulls at the sleeves of her windbreaker. She does talk to Ethan – this morning at the latest, but she suspects Luke's not referring to how often they're speaking but rather to how much she's been saying.

Then, latching onto his words, the corners of her lips twitch in amusement.

"You talk to Ethan now?"

"Why aren't you?"

"I talk to Ethan plenty."

"You're pushing him away."

"No I'm not," Avery bites down at her lip as the words fall of her tongue in one rapid breath, fearing she's been more distant than she's meant to be. Because she's tried not to be, she really has. Her chest rises and falls with her next circle of air. It hurts her to think Luke might be right. "Did he say I am?"

"Of course he didn't."

She remains silent for a beat, tucking her chin into the zipped up collar of her windbreaker. "I'm not pushing him away."

"Okay," Luke regards her, lips falling into a thoughtful pout. "Good. Your dad's not worth that, you know – ruining that."

Skipping over a root, Avery's heart weighs heavier at the mention of Robert but it soon disperses. A bit curiously she whirls around to walk backwards, eyes set on Luke. "You don't even like Ethan."

"He's not that bad."

A chortled – faint disbelieve and amusement blending together – breath escapes her lips. "He got to you. You're smitten by the Taylor charm."

Luke makes a disgruntled noise. "Don't push it. He cares about you, and I don't necessarily hate that,"

He shoots her a glare as her lips slip into a smile, but it's far from unfriendly. If anything she notices relief cross his features at the sight, an upward tilt to his mouth as well.

"So don't fuck it up."

Her cheeks tighten as she presses her lips together, keeping her smile from widening but it soon turns into a frown instead as a sharp ocean wind hits them. It prickles her skin as she wraps her arms around herself to give herself a sense of steadiness, the tree branches surrounding them whipping violently in the air.

Luke pulls his beanie down over his ears in exasperation. "Okay, I've had enough of the outside. We're going to Beans & Bagels."

She nods, pausing in her step to let him catch up before hooking her arm in his. "And the bookstore too."

He shoots her a sideways glance, the corners of his lips lifting once as he rolls his eyes. "And the bookstore too."

♡♡♡

"You're not pizza."

Avery attempts a smile at Jake's feigned disappointed remark but his grin has already faded away. Eyes narrowing ever so slightly, he regards her where she's stood on the porch of Ethan's house – her arms folded over her white fleece to keep the cold out, her eyes puffy and surely red too.

The nail of her index finger restlessly scratches the polish off her thumb as she weighs back on her feet, jaw clenching once as she swallows back the lump in her throat. "Sorry to disappoint."

Jake cocks his head back, stepping aside to let her inside the house.

Closing the door on the cold afternoon behind them he calls out an, "E?"

Shooting her a small smile, he bows out of view as Ethan appears in the wide doorway to the joint dining room and kitchen, disappearing the same way Ethan just came from.

"Hi," Avery croaks out, lifting one of her shoulders in half a shrug matching her half-hearted smile. "I'm sorry to just show up like this."

Beelining for her, he's quick to pull her into a hug – his lips to her hair. "You can show up whenever you want."

She hadn't meant to break into tears while out on her run, but here she is. The tears are since long gone, dried into her skin but it seems the traces have remained. Barely able to exhale through the tension consuming her chest, her arms fall from where they're wrapped around her frame to loop them around Ethan instead.

Burying her face in the crook of his neck, she lets her eyes flutter shut. She tightens her hold as she speaks against his skin. "I love you,"

She relaxes ever so slightly as his hold tightens on her in return, the faint sense of guilt having brewed in the pit of her stomach these past days – ever since her afternoon with Luke – dispersing more and more the longer she's stood with Ethan's arms wrapped around her. Still, she inches back so she'll be able to look him in the eyes.

"I know I haven't really been fully here," She rolls her lips together, trying to piece together a string of words that will make a coherent sentence. "And I think you already know it's not about you. But I wanted to tell you anyways, in case you feel like I'm pushing you away because that's not–,"

She pauses as she senses a slight dizziness creeping over her, reminding herself to breathe between her words. Her shoulders instantly relax as she lets out a delayed sigh-sounding exhale.

"That's not what I mean to do, at all," She continues. "It's just – until you, I've always dealt with these things on my own. Sure, I have my mom. And my friends try, they're amazing. But the way you and I talk... I've never had that before. And I guess I– I fell back into not sharing. That doesn't mean I don't want you around, or–"

She cuts herself off as Ethan lifts one of his arms away from where they rest around her waist. His brows etch together, bringing out that crease of concern between his eyes, as he lets his thumb run over her cheek to smooth out a few tears there. A chortled breath leaves her lips, easing the tension within her ever so slightly.

"Look at me," She lets out a self-deprecating laugh. "I'm a mess."

"No you're not," Ethan slowly shakes his head, a hint of a smile on his lips as he lets his fingers linger on her jaw. "You're definitely not. Human, maybe."

"Maybe."

His hand falls to gently cup her elbow. "You should stay and hang out with us."

"Oh, no–" Avery casts her gaze into the house again – the rooms in her view are empty but she knows Jake is in here somewhere. "I don't want to be a bother."

"Stay."

"I really don't want to get in the way."

"If anything you'll do Ella a favor. She's already sick of us."

"Ella's here?"

Ethan's lips twitch in amusement at her sudden eagerness, his expression softening.

"Waters," He lifts his hand to her face, gently cupping her cheek as he presses a fleeting kiss to her lips. "Stay."

Her cheeks tighten as her lips pull back into a small smile. Eyes falling to where his other hand lingers on her arm, she takes it into hers instead. "Are you sure I won't be in the way?"

"I'm sure," He brushes his thumb over the tears already dried into her skin. "Are you staying?"

"Yeah, okay. I'm staying."

♡♡♡

In an attempt to at least look like she didn't dart here mid-run, Avery has changed out of her fleece, washed her face and let her hair out. Though, considering Ethan's gray sweater isn't Cinderella's magic gown, she's sure her previous sadness is still etched into her features.

She relies on the presence of Ella. Sat next to the girl by the built-in counter, she keeps her gaze on Ella's homework. Not that Ella seems to need her help – she's flying through the tasks before Avery's even had a chance to gather exactly what it is they're supposed to be doing, but it serves for a nice distraction. Something to do.

Tucking her chin into the neck of the sweater she's in, her lips slip into a hint of a smile at its scent. Her smile widens in an instant as a glass of lemonade is placed in front of her, one of Ethan's arms wrapping around her from behind.

She lets her head fall back against his chest, peering up at him as she lifts one of her hands to sprawl her fingers through his hair. "Thank you."

He simply smiles, having a soft chortle escape her as he brushes the tip of her nose with a kiss.

"Well, aren't you two just adorable?"

Taking their gazes off each other, they turn their heads over their shoulder to find Jake stood by the table – placing the pizza boxes upon it as that trademark smirk of his takes over his face. Avery's lips twitch in their smile and she presses them together as she abandons Ethan's side to get the pitcher of lemonade out of the fridge.

Ella – already having left her schoolwork behind to sit down at the table, speaks up as she eyes the pizza. "Can I have a plate?"

Reaching for the cupboard door at the same time, a small laugh escapes Avery's lips as she motions for Jake to proceed. With the pitcher in one hand, she takes her glass into the other and heads for the table where she sinks into a seat next to Ethan.

Hooking two of her fingers in two of his atop the tabletop, she leans her head on his shoulder for a beat before straightening up again to take the slice of pizza he extends her.

Across from them, Ella downs her drink in one go, having both Jake and Avery reach for the pitcher in an instant. Exchanging a smile, he retreats his hand as he motions for her to do the honors of refilling Ella's glass.

"Thank you." The girl says through a mouthful of pizza and Avery leans back in her seat – finally taking a bite of her own slice.

Even before he's turned to look at her, she can tell Ethan's smiling.

Amusement lingers upon his lips as he reaches his thumb out, clicking his tongue with a soft shake of his head. "Always." He says, wiping away some tomato sauce right below her dimple.

"Yuck," Jake takes a sip of his drink, easily dodging the crumped up napkin Ethan throws his way by fist bumping it. "Keep the PDA down, I'm going to lose my appetite."

♡♡♡

The setting sun is hidden behind a thick layer of clouds – only the glow of the sky telling of its presence somewhere in the horizon. Walking along the shore, just the two of them, Avery's lips lift into a smile as Ethan intertwines their hands.

Taking her eyes off the ocean, she turns to look at him and her cheeks tighten with warmth as she realizes he's already watching her. He twirls his arm around her shoulders, still holding onto her hand, to bring her closer as they continue to walk.

He presses his lips to her hair in a light kiss. "You want to talk about it?"

An ocean breeze trickles by, the wind pulling at her hair and prickling her skin. "In a while," She casts her gaze to the calm of the ocean, a wistful sigh escaping her. "I wish it was warm enough to swim."

♡♡♡

Avery draws her knees to her chest, chin pressed against the flat of her knees as she eyes the phone pinched between her fingers.

Ethan sinks into a seat next to her, resting his elbows against his knees as he considers her. "You don't have to do this, you know."

"Yeah, I do," Avery scoops some sand up with her other hand, sprawling her fingers to watch the grains run through them back to the ground. "He's family."

"Is he?"

A short breath leaves her lips in a misted cloud and his hand instantly finds hers.

Pressing his thumb to her palm, he rolls his lips together. "All I'm saying is... maybe this isn't your mess to clean up."

"Well, he's not going to be the one doing it. So I have to," Avery stares out at the ocean, throat tightening. "I know you think I shouldn't but–"

"Waters, hey no," Ethan gently turns her chin toward him, fingers cold against her skin. "I would never tell you what to do. This is yours to decide, I'm simply here to lean on. Whatever you want to do."

"Still," Her lips flatten into a line. "You don't like him."

A noise of consideration sounds at the back of Ethan's throat, followed by a short beat of wary silence. "No," He says through a small sigh of defeat. "I don't. I don't think I could ever like someone who makes you feel this way. It just– It hurts me to see you so sad."

Her initial reaction is one of guilt, then as she meets his gaze it transcends into something else instead. Understanding – knowing she hates to see him upset. She nods, feeling the weight of her phone between her fingers.

"Yeah, I know." Sensing her throat tighten further, tension consuming her chest, she shakes her head in an attempt to collect herself. "Okay, I just have to do it,"

She may not know Robert the way she wishes to, but she does know him. To some extent. With Robert, it is better to listen while he talks, better to agree than to disagree. With Robert, it's better to swallow back the disappointment to keep the peace. So that is what she has to do. She's not giving up on this. Not yet.

Unlocking her phone, a shaky breath tickles her lips. Her thumb hovers over the screen, gaze flickering to Ethan. His lips slip into a faint smile as he nods in encouragement, his hand falling to her leg in support as she presses her lips together. Then, without contemplating it one second longer, she puts the phone to her ear.

She waits as the signals pass, growing more nauseous with every one – repeating her words over and over in her head as she forces her tongue to fall from the roof of her mouth. There's a click. Then a voice.

"Hi sweetheart."

Avery blanches. It's the first time they've spoken since he left. It's almost been a month. She hadn't expected Robert to pick up with an apology on the tip of his tongue, but she did not expect his lighthearted tone either. Rather than easing the nausea within her, it has her stomach twisting – hard.

"Hey," She manages, fumbling for her words now that she has him on the call. She wants to make this right, go back to what was – even if it was far from perfect. She wants to know where they stand. "I thought maybe we should talk."

"That sounds great sweetheart. Though, I'm rather busy right now."

"Oh okay," She'll take those dismissive words. They aren't a no, after all. "Maybe–"

"It's always this damn car-seat. Every single time."

Avery's brows knit together. "What?"

"Oh not you," Even through the phone she can sense her father's distraction. "The kids and I are just getting into the car, we're heading out for a while."

"That's fun!" Avery attempts to keep her tone lighthearted, eyes swiveling skyward as she let out a short breath. "I just wanted to talk a bit but maybe you can call–"

"Sweetheart, I really do not have the time for this," Robert says, as is not having heard her at all. There's a roar of an engine on his end of the call. "Amelia and Leo are already late to tennis."

"Okay well," Avery says again. "Tell them–"

The call cuts off.

Lowering her phone, she simply stares at it. "... Hi."

Dropping her phone to the sand, she senses Ethan's eyes on her and she simply lifts one of her shoulders in half a shrug as her heart drops heavier in her chest.

"He couldn't talk right now. It's fine."

She does intend for it to be fine but soon everything she's been carrying around all day crumbles, escaping her through a sob. It sets off a trail of tears, eyes fluttering shut as the salty wetness coats her cheeks in warmth. She swears under her breath, tired of crying, propping her elbows up against her knees as she lets her face fall to her palm.

Pinching the bridge of her nose, her breathing grows shallow. Ethan scoots even closer, not hesitating to wrap his arms around her – more or less physically forcing her to lean into him as her shoulders shake with her shuddering exhales.

"Why wasn't I enough?" The words slip off her tongue between the tears before she's barely noticed them registering in her mind. Her skin prickles with cold, the nausea returning as her blood rushes to provide her with warmth, her next words simply a croak. "Why doesn't he want me?"

Between the sounds of the ocean – waves washing calmly onto the shore, some of them clashing together somewhere out there – and the sounds of her sobs, it could have gone unnoticed but she hears Ethan inhale sharply. Instinctively, he cups her cheek as his thumb wipes a few of her tears away.

"Look at me," He urges, curling a finger underneath her chin. She blinks, vision turning less blurry as she tilts her head back. There's a hint of pain lingering in his soft tone, lips lifting into a faint sympathetic smile. "There are so many people who love you. Right here. I know that doesn't count for much right now but it's true. Okay?... God I wish I could take your hurt away,"

He lifts his other arm from where it's wrapped around her, taking her face into both his hands. The gesture has her breath stilling, deepening and she leans into his palms. Her eyes flutter shut as he presses a kiss to her forehead.

"Knowing you is the best part of my life," He brushes a few strands of her hair away from where they've stuck to her face, his chest rising and falling with a heavy breath as Avery's eyes find his again. "If he can't even begin to appreciate you for the incredible person you are – then that's not on you. It's not on you."

Being pulled back into his embrace, she weakly wraps her own arms around his torso – her tears staining his hoodie. For one lingering moment she wonders how she ever thought it would be better to push through this on her own.

She's done it before. More times than she can count, she's wept behind closed doors only to wash her face and reemerge into the world with a smile plastered to her lips. A smile ready to be flashed the next time her father beckons for her.

Now, as Ethan rests his chin atop her head, she doesn't doubt she would be able to do all of that by herself again. She just doesn't want to.

Letting a longer exhale out her lips now, Avery senses the beat of her heart slow as she leans into Ethan's embrace. She leans her head back against his shoulder, staring out at the calm of the water again.

"I tell myself it's because he's not that kind of person," She says, the taste of her tears lingering on her lips. "The Dad. But he is. For those kids, my 'siblings' – for them he is. He drives them to tennis. Helps them with their homework. They even have a tree house in the backyard. They pack up their matching suitcases and go on vacations together,"

She lets another circle of air pass through her – inhale, exhale – before letting out a deep sigh.

"If he was going to be a dad, why couldn't he be mine?"

. . .

hii! I'm sorry for dragging out this heartbreak (trust me, I truly am, because it h u r t s)

this little story of mine is turning out so much longer than I ever imagined. and it's coming to an end and that's ... *long exhale in lack of words*. I'm so glad you're still here with me for the ride.

i apologize for my rambling story-time in advance...

but in about a week or so it'll be a year since I took a look at this thing I had tried to write (but failed) twice a few years back. honestly, I was ready to just let it cease to exist but then I thought, "hey, what if I just delete everything and start over with the same main concept, but do everything else differently?" granted, it took me another four months or so to actually act on that thought and for a while I thought about changing everything, down to the title, to really mark it as a new start (the title got to remain as it was. for now, at least). anyways, I am so so happy I did because here we are. with a story that I love to write. and characters that I love to write.

much love always, yours

linn