Eros and I approached a huddled Ryder swaddled in every blanket that was in the house as he sat in the dark with the TV softly playing Lilo & Stitch with our homemade cake, the candles lighting the dark room.
Ryder's eyes lit up as he saw the cake, a smile slowly growing as his eyes lifted to Eros and me which by first glance, seemed like we were doing okay. We weren't, but for the sake of Ryder, I would pretend I had already apologized to Eros and he to I.
"Happy birthday Ryder!" Eros exclaimed as we came to stoop in front of Ryder, his face awash with the soft orange light of the candles, the eighteen candles that would welcome into his budding adulthood.
He smiled at us, "Thanks," he responded sheepishly, pushing back the curly hair that had fallen forwards on his face, peering curiously at the messily frosted cake and the Happy 18th Birthday Ryder sloppily iced on the top in baby blue icing.
We sang the birthday song for him, Eros and I competing in how badly we could sound, exchanging looks of incredulity because we honestly soundedâawful. But that didn't matter, nothing really mattered besides the young man that sat before us, as we played our parts as best friends, being there for him when he was hurting.
Ryder blew out the candles at the end of our song, plummeting us into darkness, sans the glow of the television that cast a low light upon the three of us.
"Did you make a wish?" I asked.
Ryder took the cake from Eros and I's hands, placing it in the space between the three of us.
"No," he said, and then looking between the two of us, he spoke again. "Despite how messy and weird my life is, I have you two, and even though you guys are only here for the sake of me, it means a lot. I don't need anythingâ I don't need anyone else when I have you two by my side."
A smile was growing on my face as I leant forward to kiss Ryder's cheek. "Oh Harry," I cooed. "Who knew you could be so sentimental!"
"Ha-ha," Ryder said dryly as I pulled away from him. "Harry Potter was quite sentimental near the end if you ask me, you know, all that nonsense of doing what was right rather than what was easy..." At this, he looked between Eros and I with a pointed glare.
My cheeks flushed. Using our favorite series into an attempt to force Eros and I to reconcile was cruel, but I would forgo it for the sake of it being Ryder's birthday. Besides, he was right.
I had to do what was right, rather than what was easy.
On my left, I felt Eros tense for a moment as Ryder spoke and then relax as quiet filled the air, cutting into the cake with a knife he brought, laying out three slices for us. He handed us each our slices of cake and stood, leaving us to sit on the couch that was set a few feet away from us, watching the movie.
Ryder and I followed suit, finding our respective spots on either side of him, as we ended the night together, as the golden trio, watching Lilo and Stitch, and eating a homemade cake for our best friend's birthday.
â¦
It was pouring, but I didn't mind, the rain made me feel grounded to the earth somehow. I could hear Ryder's chastise that he would've given me if he saw what I was doing right now. I hoped he was okay, I hoped one day we would find our way back to being normal.
Staring hard at the raging ocean, I lifted my phone to my ear, letting it ring, hoping and praying that he'd pick up.
"Alice?" He sounded confused, and it was that confusion that made me question this decision. Why was I doing this? "You're calling me from the other room? What's wrong?"
"I'm not in the house," I answered feebly. "I'm at the dock."
For some reason, I was unable to voice why I was calling him, why I was even at the docks.
"Oh..." he trailed off. "You shouldn't be out in the rain Alice, why are you calling me?"
Swallowing hard, I answered, "I promised Ryder I would try to fix things, and I am trying. Can you please meet me here? I want to talk."
A silence settled on the other side and if I paid enough attention, I could hear his legs swing from the pull out bed and land softly on the floor.
"I'll be there in five."
"Okay," I said shakily, pulling the phone from my ear and ending the call.
The rain was unrelenting, seeming to pour harder around me, against my skin, soaking me to the bone, forcing me to feel its presence, acknowledge that the world would continue to turn no matter how I tried to force it another way.
An umbrella appeared over my head, stopping the rain from drowning me, reminding me that I was alive, and I blinked twice.
He came.
With a gesture of his hand, I took the umbrella from his fingers so he could take his rightful place next to me. I could feel his energy circulating around me, entrancing me, attracting me, enticing me to the same games we've been playing for the past few months. I was drowning and somehow swimming in my own body and I wasn't ever sure if I wanted to feel differently, he made me feel empowered, bold, everything I wasn't but wished I was.
"You asked for me, and I came for the sake of old times." He joked.
I wanted to make a face but didn't as I let the sound of rain relapse again, gathering my words, finding the clarity within the haze he cast me in.
There was a dock near Ryder's vacation home, it was slightly off to the right but accessible enough that Eros and I could talk there, with the ocean to bear witness. It was by no means as beautiful as Eros' spot, but it certainly would have to do.
I had spent a while thinking about what I wanted to say to him, how I could fix this, and sitting beside him, I wasn't sure if it would be enough.
"I wanted to apologize for what I said to Luna and Claire about you," I began, not able to meet his eyes, the stormy blue eyes that surely were confused now. "I suppose that growing up in this town, I've become complacent with everyone knowing everyone else's business. That's how it was with my father when I started taking care of Angelica and I, everyone knew why I was tutoring and that's maybe why I've been paid way too much for so long."
"I didn't come here to listen to you talk about yourself Alice," Eros said gently as though he knew I was nearing my edge and didn't want to push me.
"Yeah, sorry," I apologized and shook my head, clutching tightly onto the umbrella. "It's just that I forget how private you are, how much your privacy has meant to you for your entire life. And I disrespected that, I said things that weren't mine to say, it's your past and only you can tell it. I'm..." I searched for words powerful enough to express my sorrow. "I'm so sorry Eros."
My apology hung in the air, neither dismissed or accepted by the person I was apologizing to.
Unexpectedly, his hand tore my left hand from the umbrella, placing it in his lap. I looked up to him and he gave me the tiniest of smiles but it was enough to calm all my anxieties.
"You've always had a reputation that precedes you," Eros spoke, thoughtfully, with a spoken emphasis on each syllable. "The kindest girl on the block, the girl you went to if you needed help in any subject. I ignored a lot of things about high school, but even that reached me."
I turned to him, and my voice lodged in my throat at how absolutely breathtaking he looked in the light of the night.
He turned his head to look at me, pushing back his dripping blonde hair away from his face. His eyes pierced mine in a way they've never done before, warming me from the inside out, guiding me into a gentle stupor.
"And so have I. Even though I never wanted to admit it, I was known for being the moody boy who didn't talk to anyone, the school's bad boy. And I always hated it, I hate reputations, but I let the narrative flow."
I swallowed, unsure of where this conversation was leading us. "This is supposed to be the part where you either forgive me or that you need more time. Eros, why are you telling me this?"
"Because Aliceâ I always thought your reputation was a hoax just like mine and it's the main reason I didn't like you when we first met. I thought if I really wasn't my reputation, you couldn't be either, but then I got to know you. And Alice baby, you're just naturally kind and I began to identify you to this reputation you had, so when you told Claire and Luna about my past, that reputation, it was ruined for me. I felt like I no longer knew the girl I fell in love with. When it seemed like the whole world turned against you, it was too easy for me to turn against you too."
"But now I realize I've been hypocritical. I've been expecting you to be this perfect, kind person that wouldn't make any kind of mistake. You're Alice Black, the kindest girl on the block. At the same time I've been mad at you because I made a mistake and I wasn't that perfect bad boy they all imagined I was. But we're both human and we aren't those identities that have been tied to us. We're just kids that made mistakes, that will surely make more mistakes. I'm just not sure I want to make any more mistakes without my best friend."
"That was a really long monologue for you to tell me you forgive me."
Despite the rain falling on his features that bolstered darkness, the lift of his lips brightened his entire face, a short chuckle lifting the spirits of our otherwise serious conversation.
As he sobered up he spoke again, "I've been doing a lot of thinking since we last spoke, about me, you, our actions that hurt each other, and I'm sorry it took me this long to want to fix things between us. And, I owe you an apology too." Eros looked down, swirling a pattern in the top of my hand with his forefinger. "I'm sorry I was an asshole when we were in a fight. I'm sorry I acted like a jealous boyfriend when I asked you to move on. I'm sorry I showed up at your doorstep and got physical with Ryder in front of two of my favorite girls. I'm sorry I got in a fight with that kid, it was stupid and unnecessary. I'm not quite sure why he even made me angry enough that I wanted to lay hands on him, but I've learned from you that there's better ways to deal with disagreements."
"Like being passive?" I broke into his monologue jokingly.
He smirked at me, all too knowing. "Not exactly..."
We lapsed into silence again, him sitting beside me with my hand in his lap and despite how we were both soaked to the bone, me holding the umbrella that protected us from the pouring rain, I'd never felt more free.
"You taught me that people's words only have power if you give them that authority. You taught me that I can't control other people's actions, only my own, and Alice, I'm so sorry. I've put all my energy into hating you because of what you did, ignoring the fact that you had genuine reasons to be angry at me, starting with my fight with that boy and ending with Angelica seeing me get physical with Ryder."
Though my heart warmed from the kind words Eros said about me, I also cringed, my stomach twisting. "I think Angelica deserves an apology too Eros. You were one of her boys and she adored you."
"I don't even know how to try Alice, she's scared of me for a genuine reason. I don't know how to recover from that."
I wasn't with Eros anymore, I was with my dad in my living room, listening to him as he gave me excuses about how he didn't want to start repairing his relationship with Angelica and suddenly, everything aligned in my mind.
"Well, if I can forgive you, she can too," I gave him a reassuring smile to his eyes that suddenly light up at the prospect of his favorite girl forgiving him.
"So we are back to square one then huh?" He grinned, tucking a wet clump of hair behind my ear.
"Where you hated me?"
He laughed, a deep, rapturous laugh that echoed into the sea. "No Alice. We are back to being best friends."
In that very moment that Eros had finished speaking, I felt my body succumb to a tranquility I had never felt before, a safety that never existed prior, that told me that yes, Eros and I were flawed and the love that exists between us is flawed too, but the part of our love that had once thrived on our toxic habits and insecurities didn't exist anymore.
I felt at peace and safe, and more like myself than I had ever been around him before.
This was somehow better than how he used to make me feel, and I knew, this was only our beginning.
â¦
in case anyone is wondering, there are only 3-4 chapters left! i'm determined to have this entire book uploaded. so expect the ending by October 1st :)
you're all wonderful & I hope you and your loved ones are staying safe during this unprecedented time.