The Golden Trio was no more, and it couldn't be more obvious than that first day that Eros came back to school post-suspension, which conveniently fell on the day of Ryder's birthday party. Ryder's actual birthday wasn't until Tuesday but he was never one to turn down an early celebration.
I know Ryder was excited to gloat around school about the night he had planned, how crazy the party would be, and how long people would be talking about it.
And yet, I was pained.
There was a nagging feeling that I didn't belong at that party. Everyone hated me and for good reason too. Was it fair of me to show up to Ryder's birthday when I knew it'd make Eros, Claire, Luna, and even Ryder uncomfortable?
"You okay?" Angelica broke my long train of thought, sitting in the driver's seat, playing with a keychain Eros had gotten her.
I gave her a fake, tight smile. "Yeah, just, not sure about Ryder's birthday party."
She frowned. "If Ryder didn't want you there, he would've told you, he's not afraid of confrontation, unlike someone I know," she gave me a stern look. "Besides, I'll be right there next to you, and this is a fantastic time to show them you're doing just fine without them."
"But I'm not," my voice cracked, staring at Angelica and she reached over to stroke my hair lovingly. "I'm not doing okay without them, and I'm not sure if I ever will be."
I let out a heavy sigh I didn't know I was holding, I was so distraught. My identity was formed by tutoring and being kind, but a big role of my identityâ in my now developing identity, was rooted in the relationships I formed with Ryder and Eros.
They had become a part of me.
Angelica looked at me with pitiful eyes. I wish she didn't look at me so.
"I know you aren't," she said softly. "But you will be eventually. Eros can't be mad at you forever."
Another fake smile lifted the corner of my lips. I had no doubt in my mind that Eros could hold this grudge forever, that perhaps, I really had lost him and I had to learn how to live without him.
"You ready?" She asked, as though she didn't know the answer.
"No," I still exited the car with the same amount of dread I've had the entire week that had been building every time I imagined my first confrontation with Eros.
The whole school was eager to see Eros unlike me. They wanted to see how roughish he looked as he was officially deemed the school's 'bad boy', the new identity he had procured post-fight.
I despised it.
Eros wasn't a bad boy, he was just a kid. He was a kid that made a mistake and though, it was a rather large mistake I refused to adhere to this identity the school pushed on him.
The air was unsettlingly warm, and I wished that I ended my stupid claim to prove my identity to the school by wearing lingerie every day, already sweating underneath the old jean jacket I wore. But I walked with my head high, I would give them the slut they were expecting until even I believed it.
I spotted Eros quickly, a crowd forming around him already. He stood near the entrance of campus, an arm thrown around a small Claire, her eyes glazed with awe at the boy surrounding her in affection. His cotton shirt crinkled at the place where she clenched it, lifting so anyone who cared could see the gray waistband of his boxers and further, the belt loops of his blue jeans.
His gaze found mine briefly, and within that millisecond, it was if a second hadn't passed since I argued with him in front of my house. All my anger returned, my confusion, and most plaguing, my guilt.
I wanted to apologize, I wanted him to know that I was sorry that I told Claire and Luna about his past and he doesn't have to forgive me for that because God I wouldn't have. I wanted him to know that I wished him the best of luck with Claire even though the thought of them doing anything beyond holding hands made me want to hurl.
But that glance, it communicated everything and the hard gaze he relayed to me only proved the point that he would never forgive me.
I could feel my throat tensing up as the tears burned in the back of my eyes, a sob stifling in my chest. I didn't want to cry, but Eros hating me was a lot worse than him ignoring me for the unforeseeable future and I couldn't help it.
I was in despair.
Eros glanced at me again as though he wanted to make sure I was watching, and it seemed as though he were sad. But before I could comprehend that look though, he gave a flirty smirk at Claire and leaned down and gave her the sloppiest kiss I've ever seen.
Taken aback, my face blanked and anger washed away all remnants of my guilt and sadness. I pursed my lips in disapproval and hit call on Henry's name lifting the phone to my ear and a hard stare at an Eros who wasn't looking at me anymore.
Eros wanted to play this game? Fine, let the fucking games begin.
â¦
I shoved my English textbook in my locker, my reflection catching my eye in the mirror hooked onto the door of my locker. I was wearing red lipstick, a color that I had never worn before this week, and it didn't look right on me. It was so evident that I was trying to be a girl that I wasn't.
"Alice?"
Giving myself one more look over, I slammed my locker and was started to see Harrison standing behind it. Harrison was a boy I regularly tutored, a boy I had a session with later today.
"What's up Harrison?"
Granted, I hadn't tutored anyone since last week because no one wanted to be associated with me, and my mind could only reach so far for the possibilities of why Harrison wanted to talk to me.
He looked nervous, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed. "Is it true what everyone's saying?" His voice cut off, as though he didn't want to accuse me of everything I had actually done.
This is what he wanted to talk about? A part of me was screaming at the top of her lungs in frustration, but I stifled that side of me and replied coldly, "That I'm a whore? What do you think Harrison?"
"Iâ" his eyes searched the empty hallway for an escape. "I don't think so."
My smile faltered and I stepped back. "What do you want Harrison?"
He rubbed the back of his neck. "I think you're a great tutor Alice and I wanted to thank you for all you've done for my grades, but I can't be tutored by you anymore. I can't really be associated with you, actuallyâ it's hard for really anybody to be associated with you right now."
The fake smile on my lips pretended like those words didn't cut me like knives. "Of course," I said politely. "If you ever need my notes, just text me. I wouldn't want your grades suffering because I became the most hated girl in school," I joked, hoping that this defense mechanism wouldn't be too obvious.
Harrison never got to reply to my sharp words as a familiar cologne reached us, distinct tones of bergamot and nutmeg, warm and earthy, just like him. Harrison's eyes widened at the sight of Eros who stood behind me.
Harrison took a tentative step backward.
Everyone, even popular, star-player Harrison was terrified by Eros.
I turned my attention to Eros, my eyes narrowed at him, almost softening at how fucking cute he lookedâ it wasn't fair.
"You should've learned by now that cheating isn't the way to go, Alice," Eros drawled, placing a hand above the locker next to me, leaning on it.
Hearing his voice, all the anger, the pain, the sadness I had felt came rushing back, the anger of what he did to my sister, how he treated Ryder, it all came flooding back and it was hard to remind myself I was in the wrong, despite how he was too.
"No Eros, I am not cheating on Henry, Harrison is just fondly reminding me that I am an enemy to the school and no one can be associated with me, lest they risk social suicide."
Faintly, I heard Harrison say goodbye to me, but all of my attention had henceforth been diverted to the lanky boy in front of me, smirking down at me as though it were second-nature.
Eros chuckled in front of me, as though he enjoyed the punishment I had been given, decreed by Claire. "I just wanted to make sure you weren't being unfaithful, you know, like how you were with me." He grinned.
"This has nothing to do with Henry and me."
His hand came to slam on the locker next to my head and I quivered slightly, and for a moment, there was a flicker of concern and regret fragmented in his eyes that had quickly dissolved. "Dammit Alice, this has everything to do with Henry. But it seems," a smirk grew on his face, a smirk I didn't like. "That doesn't matter much to you does it?"
He kissed his teeth, mocking my stature, "What are you doing wearing my jacket Alice Black?" He leaned forward and clenched both sides of the collar, pulling me toward him, tipping his head down so our foreheads rested together.
I felt the blood pounding in my cheeks as I felt his soft, warm breath fanning over me. His lips curled into a devious smile as he stood over me, knowing he had the upper-hand, the power over me.
I stared at him for a moment, distraught between how sorry and angry I was. The latter won as I continued to look blankly at him. "This jacket?" I asked. "I honestly forgot it was yours, and the only reason I'm wearing it is so that Eileen won't dress code me on sight."
His brow furrowed, and for the first time that day, his eyes ran up and down me, the blue in his eyes deepening to the darkness I'd typically see on a stormy night at sea as he swallowed audibly, his pupils dilating, eliciting a scorching fire in my skin.
"Do we want everyone to see me for the whore I am?"
My voice was thicker than I wanted, and by the time Eros looked up from the cleavage trailing down, we both knew what my outfit did for us, him in particular.
He recovered quickly. "Keep it on Black. I don't want to be held responsible for any boys chasing after you because your tits are practically falling into their faces."
"The only boy that is consistent on chasing me is you, Eros, what do you want? I thought we weren't friends?" I shot back angrily, tired on this back and forth game we continued to play.
His eyes flashed with hurt. "I am not chasing you, Alice. My feelings for you, your feelings for me are irrelevant. I'm doing the best I fucking can to make sure you don't go out of line."
"That's not your job Eros!" I cried, and at that moment, my soul was bared to Eros. "I don't care if you don't trust me, I don't care about our feelings for one another, I'm just trying to figure out what the fuck to do with myself!"
"I can't live with myselfâ I can't walk around without people staring at me because they think I'm some slut and I can't even look at Claire or Luna without wanting to vomitâ let alone Ryder. He hates me now and doesn't have enough balls to say it to my fucking face. I'm not out of line Eros, I'm trying to find the fucking line!" I was screaming, I was crying, I was vulnerable in front of the boy I loved.
His face was stoic and he shrugged off my words like they were nothing.
"It's what you deserve."
â¦
hello! it me, ashti, and i haven't made an author note in SO fucking long. i hope everyone's wednesday is wonderful, and that work is good, summer is good, and we're all living our hot girl/hot boy/hot person summer.
tentative update: this book will hopefully be published completely by the end of august.
question of the chapter (oo what's this??): what's your dream job?