Four tubs of ice cream later, I was significantly bloated and after checking myself out in the mirror in the bathroom, I wondered if this was going to look like when I was six months pregnant. Pulling up my blouse, I poked the hard belly and wrinkled my nose. If I really looked like this when I was six months pregnant, I'd never leave my house.
I shrugged, I didn't even know if I wanted kids, why was I worrying about that now? When I had all the time in the world to be upset about my list becoming public and the definite end of my friendship with Claire, Eros, and probably Luna as well.
Dragging my feet back to the living room, I hit play on my episode of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, listening to it as I pulled a bag of chips from my 7/11 bag I got after leaving school earlier today and collapsed on the couch.
The doorbell rang.
Groaning, I slid off the couch and trudged to the door, if it was Ryder I was going to ask him nicely to bring Angelica home and then slam the door in his face. I wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone today and not even my best friend could get me out of this funk.
I swung open the door prepared to yell at him and came face to face with Eros. Startled, words spewed from my mouth without thinking, "I thought I made it clearâ"
"Alice," he growled, and this time, I looked at him, like really looked at him.
He was livid.
It was radiating off him in waves, and the entire world seemed to shrink in comparison to him. Eros' entire body was clenched with tension as he glared down at me with such intensity I found myself backing away, afraid.
He stepped into the house without invitation, slamming the door behind him.
"I am a people person Alice. I'll fucking admit that. But you know what? There are only two people on this earth that I trust with every fucking fiber of my being. It used to be three. You used to be one of them Alice. You fucked up."
I jutted my face at him in confusion. What? He just, showed up at my house, hours after I screamed at him, and he was angry at me? Fuck no.
"What the fuck are you on Eros?"
"I trusted you. Okay? I let you into my heart and I showed you why I hurt so much and you made it your business to tell Luna and Claire? What the actual fuck Alice? I just," he growled and lashed out, a fist slamming into the wall beside my head, causing me to squeak and jump a foot into the air. "I want to know what the fuck was going on in that pretty head of yours to think that was okay?"
I felt all the blood drain from my face, I felt my body start to pulsate as it was deprived of oxygen, my heart rate quickening. I had forgotten about that, and thinking about it now, I was so fucking stupid.
"How'd you find out?" My voice was barely above a whisper.
He laughed coldly. "You know, I was prepared to fight for you Alice, for us. I was sick of you and I thinking this wasn't going to work and I wanted to take the chance that we were strong enough to try for a relationship. So I went to Claire, to tell her to apologize to you."
"And instead she tells me all about the car ride before the concert, how you betrayed me and how she and Luna were embarrassed that they knew this about me, especially when they didn't hear it from me."
We stared at each other for a few moments.
"So are you going to tell me your fucking reasons or what?" He hissed, crossing his arms across his chest.
"I just thought," I stammered nervously. "Since we were all becoming friends and Luna asked and Claire was so nervous about her date with you I just wanted to help them understand."
His eyes flickered with disgust.
"You're not supposed to justify your actions Alice. Don't try and fucking blame this on Luna and Claire, it was your fucking big ass mouth that opened and spewed all my darkest secrets. You and Ryder, know better than anyone that I'm the most fucking private person ever. If I wanted them to know about my past I would've told themâ this wasn't your fucking decision to make Alice. It wasn't your story to tell."
My head hung as the realization of my actions came to the surface, guilt churning in my stomach, infecting every cell of my being: I was wrong, I was so fucking wrong and there was nothing I could do to make it better.
But I had to try.
"Erosâ"
"No!" He yelled, taking four steps away from me as though I were vermin, disgust filling his eyes. "I can't even bear to look at you. To fucking think, I thought I was falling for you."
I felt my heart shatter.
"I told you, everyone, I love leaves. I didn't expect to be the only leaving you Alice."
We stood in stunned silence, frozen by the words that rang true in our ears. I could feel the familiar sting of tears growing in the back of my eyes and I couldn't help but feel thankful for it.
Good. I deserved to feel this pain. I deserved to get yelled at this by Eros. I did him so wrong, I didn't deserve him. He was treating me the way I should be.
"What are you doing here Eros?" Ryder's hand landed on Eros' shoulder, spinning him around.
We snapped out of our daze.
I didn't even realize Ryder's car had pulled into my driveway next to Eros', and from the surprise on Eros' face, neither did he. Angelica slammed the passenger door to Ryder's car, approaching the situation hesitantly.
Anxiety churned in my stomach, I didn't want her to see this.
"I'm clearing the air between Alice and I." Eros gritted his teeth and pulled his shoulder back. "And you know. Claire was right. Why do we keep defending her," he gestured to me with a flick of the wrist. "When all she's done is ruin our lives?"
Now that stung more than I'd like to admit.
"Eros," Ryder looked pained. "Let's go out, you want to eat or something?"
"NO!" Eros roared, stepping forward to tower over Ryder, a true monster appearing in front of my eyes.
From beyond the pair of boys, I saw Angelica, watched her face transform into complete and utter fear. I wanted to go to her, I wanted her to leave, but I didn't want to risk crossing Eros again, facing his wrath.
"Eros calm down please," Ryder grabbed both of Eros' wrists, holding him fast. "This isn't the place to get this fucking angry."
Eros growled and tore his arms away from Ryder, in the process shoving him to the ground of the porch, stepping forward to hiss menacingly at Ryder. "You're either with me, or you're with her. There's no fucking in-between Ryder."
Angelica whimpered from the driveway, and Eros' head snapped to her, and his defenses melted away.
He knew what he did.
She stood there, clutching her arms around her body, tears in her eyes. Her knight in shining armor just threatened the other man in her life. I couldn't imagine how betrayed she must've felt at this very moment.
"Jells," his voice cracked and he took a step toward her, and instantly I was unfrozen, awash with anger at him.
"Eros," I grabbed the back of his shirt, preventing him from taking any further steps from her. "I need you to leave."
He turned to me, face stricken with grief and still a hint of anger. "I don't take orders from you Black."
I flinched like he physically wounded me.
"You told me you'd never lay hands on Ryder and I. Look at Ryder, Eros. Look at my fucking sister. Get the fuck off my porch and never come back."
Angelica was sobbing. I could hear her in the distance and heard Ryder crouch down beside her, whispering comforting words to her. I wish Eros didn't do this in front of her. I needed him to be that knight for her.
He glanced at Angelica, then back at me. A single tear fell on my cheek, and Eros' hand instinctively rose to wipe it away, gentle, caring, the Eros I knew and loved.
He left in silence, unwelcome to a house that previously had always been welcome for him with two girls that adored him like the stars he so amicably spoke of.
We all watched him leave in astonishment.
A few minutes later, Ryder and I tucked Angelica into bed like the married couple we were, promising her of a brighter tomorrow, reminding her how much we both loved her, how much we'd do for her.
The door shut after Ryder and I turned to him, taking a breath.
"No matter what direction our friendship goes in, I need you to promise me that you'll always look after Angelica. I need to know that she'll always have you, have her knight in shining armor to pick her up and go for ice cream just because. Someone that'll look out for her in ways that I can't."
His fingers brushed my cheek and I shut my eyes, basking in his familiar grip.
"I love her Alice, she'll always have me. I promise."
I opened my eyes and gave him a weak smile. "Are you going to unfriend me now too?"
He shrugged as we jogged down the stairs. I took my seat on the couch but Ryder went straight for the kitchen, coming back with a glass of water and some grapes from the fridge.
"I'm not going to unfriend you because I love you and you have the right to make mistakes. What kind of best friend would I be if I didn't understand that? But I won't lie that Claire did make some fair points and that Eros has good reason to be furious with you."
"You heard?" I sighed.
He shook his head, taking a seat next to me. "I was there. I was trying to get Claire to do the same thing Eros was, but when he asked, she just exploded, and suddenly it sort of all fit together."
I groaned and fell sideways into a pillow, burying my face in it. "Am I a terrible best friend?"
"Yes," Ryder said without hesitation.
I whimpered, that hit me in the gut. It was one thing to think to yourself that you were a bad best friend, it was a completely different thing to hear it from one of your best friends.
"But you can always make it up to him." Ryder's fingers gently weaved through my hair. I relaxed in his hands. "He won't be angry at you forever Alice, he loves you too much. That and he's awful at holding grudges."
I twisted on the couch, propping my legs on Ryder and looked up at him. "But I'm angry too," I protested. "It's fine to get angry at me, yeah I fucking deserved it. But he pushed you and fought with me in front of Angelica. She's already traumatized enough. She doesn't need any more trauma in her life."
"You don't get to be angry at those things," Ryder said simply. "He didn't shove you. And it's not your business to get angry on Angelica's behalf. She can do that just fine on her own."
We let that sink in for a few moments, Ryder switching off the television I left on before I answered the door for Eros only an hour ago.
"I hate it when you're right," I grumbled.
"Doesn't happen often, but when it does it's genuine!" Ryder teased, poking me in my stomach with a soft expression.
He pitied me.
"How do I make Eros forgive me?" I changed the subject, grabbing the grapes from the tray Ryder brought in from the kitchen, popping two into my mouth.
"You show him he can trust you. You give him time. You never stop fighting for him."
Ryder held my gaze, eyes stern as though I were his child that gave the local nerd a wedgie at school when in reality, when we were kids, I was the kid that probably would've gotten the wedgie and Ryder was probably the one giving it.
"You make it sound so easy," I mumbled, breaking our eye-contact, felt a cold tear trickle down my face and into the crevice of one of my nostrils. "But I know Eros too. I really hurt him Ryder, and if I were him, I'd never forgive me."
His hand clasped mine and he pulled me into his lap, holding me close and tight as silent tears streamed from my eyes, dampening his shirt. "He loves you Alice. He might just love you more than he loves me. Yes, you did something wrong. But so did he. He can't expect you to be perfect in the same way you can't expect him to be perfect."
I sniffled.
"Things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the way we least expect," he said seriously with a pointed stare.
A grin broke across my face as I shoved him away, wiping my tears with the back of my hands, giggling. His stoic expression broke and he joined me in my laughter.
"You're Harry Potter trash."
His hand wiped the hair from my face and he kindly smiled.
"Whatever you say, wifey."
â¦
It was in the night that I returned to my crying, under the security of the darkness of the sky and the quietness in our dead house.
Our father came home earlier that day to find me laying on the couch with Grease on blast, to which he had responded with a raise of the eyebrow before he left me. He had returned five minutes later with a steaming cup of black coffee.
I think that was the only way he knew how to show us he cared.
I drank it all the same, wholly comforted by a father that actually cared, despite it being disgusting black coffee without any half and half.
He passed out in his bedroom hours later and even through my sobs I could hear his heavy snores.
My body twisted in my bed as I tugged up the hoodie higher to my nose, noisily sniffing the faint scent of Eros' cologne and soft firewood. I refused to wear anything else, I knew it was unhealthy but I couldn't help it. I was just so upset.
It was really hitting me that in the span of ten hours, I lost three of my only friends, one which I wasn't sure if I could do this life thing without.
It was really hitting me that this was, all my fucking fault. The friendships broken, the list exposed, even Angelica witnessing one of her favorite boys get angry with another one of her favorite boys.
Even the words haunted me: whore.
I sobbed harder into the hoodie, drowning in my new identity. I wasn't the kindest girl on the block, I was the local whore, the one who slept with her best friend even after one of her friends told her she liked him.
And then I went ahead and started to date a boy that I wasn't even sure if I truly liked.
I mean, who the fuck does that?
"Alice?" Angelica's soft voice traveled across my room and I froze, how'd she even get in without me hearing, how long had she been there?
I didn't respond, hoping she'd leave me alone.
Of course, she didn't.
I felt my bed dip as she climbed to join me, an aroma of cooked veggies hitting my nose. I turned to see her hesitantly sitting on my bed, a plate of stir-fry in her lap with a fork. Her eyes were rimmed red, face flushed with the constant crying.
"You need to eat Alice," her voice trembled as she offered me the plate of carrots, broccoli, and squash.
I sat up in bed, taking the plate from her without question, asking quietly, "Are you okay?" I shoved a piece of squash in my mouth, pleasantly surprised by the subtle, tangy flavors of the vegetables.
Angelica shrugged. "I'm more concerned with you Alice," she grabbed my hand and squeezed it. "You're not one to cry for the entire day, let alone watch TV for that long."
I played with a piece of broccoli on the plate. "I'm sorry you saw Eros get angry like that. You must know he wasn't in the right mindset and if he knew you were there, he wouldn't have gotten like that."
"I know," she said softly. "What happened between you two?"
I looked away from her toward my window and the starry sky beyond, hoping the tears welling in my eyes wouldn't spill over. "Uhâ I might've told Claire and Luna about his past and stuff. You know, private things that weren't mine to tell."
Angelica frowned. "Why would you do that?"
The tears cascaded down. "I don't know," I whimpered and ate another piece of squash so I wouldn't release a sob. "Maybe I just wanted them to know he's a normal kid like us, he isn't a God like they make him out to be."
"Did you tell him that?"
"No," I said shamefully. "I don't even know how to apologize."
It was quiet for a while as I ate. The food was good and I wondered if Angelica had made it or ordered it from a restaurant somewhere. I hoped she made it, it was better than mine and I was looking forward to eating it again.
"Is that the only reason you're upset Alice?"
This time, I couldn't hold back the sob, my eyes squeezing shut with disgust from myself. My food was long forgotten as Angelica pulled me into her arms, soothing me with soft-spoken words.
"I'm a fucking whore Angelica!" I cried. "The whole school thinks I'm this slutâ how did my reputation change this drastically? I was just being a normal teenager."
"Hey! You're not a slut," Angelica said harshly. "And even if you are, you can't let a word like that affect how you see yourself." She pulled back to look at me more clearly, tilting my chin up. "If you're a slut, then you're the kindest, smartest, best-est slut I know. You're my sister Alice and I could never see you as just a whore or anything like that."
I sniffled. "When did you get all mature and stuff?"
She laughed. "You taught me this Alice. You taught me to know who I am and not let others tear me down. If you can teach me all this stuff, why can't you believe it yourself? Why can't you see yourself as the amazing, beautiful young woman that I know you as?"
I cried harder and pulled her tight against my chest. "I'm so proud of you Angelica. I love you."
She held me tighter, a grip that was comparable to a mother's. We didn't have a mom, but we had each other, and sometimes, that was sufficient enough.
"I love you more Alice."