I never really had friends before Ryder.
I had kids I tutored and I had Angelica. But what I didn't have was that support system that normal teenagers had with their friends, I didn't have people I just could call up to go out and drive because I couldn't stand to be in the same house as my father.
And Ryder changed all of that for me.
He rekindled a friendship we formerly had when we were kids, and then went further and helped me solidify a friendship with his own best friend, and suddenly, I wasn't alone anymore. I had what I so desperately wantedâneeded really.
Friends.
Friends that included, in no particular order: Ryder, Luna, (sometimes) Eros, and Claire.
Or so I thought.
I couldn't believe this was happening to me, why people cared and thought it was worthy to be making fun of, and why, out of all people to do this to meâ it was Claire.
In the distance, I saw as Eros crossed the quad, his eyes glowing with rage, and I just blankly stared at him, wondering who his anger was directed towards.
"Alice Black," Claire beamed, returning my attention to her. "Everyone thinks you've been a good little tutor don't they? But they don't know the truth. And now they do." With a spare hand she lifted a copy. "13 Things Crucial to do Before Senior Year Begins, that's awfully lame, don't you think," Eros grabbed her shoulder and she spun around continuing her words, "so Eros?"
"What the fuck Claire?" He growled, pulling her arm in an attempt to get her away from me, but she immediately pulled back her arm.
"Don't fucking touch me Eros!" She screamed, a hint of hysteria shrilling her words as she glared at him. "I'm showing people who Alice really is."
I found my voice.
"And who am I Claire? A girl who wants more for her life? Your friend? Who am I?" I took strong steps toward her, till we were nose to noseâ well, nose to chin.
"You're the girl," she poked my chest and I stumbled back. "who fucked Eros."
A hush fell upon the quad as everyone took in her words, hanging onto her words like they were the last bit of drugs they needed.
Their unattainable God, the myth and legend that regarded everyone passively had screwed me, little Alice. I wasn't sure what shocked them more, the fact that after two years they were finally seeing Eros interact with people or the fact that they discovered he had actually been with a girl in these two years.
"You fucked Eros while I had a crush on him, days after we went on our first fucking date. You're a fucking whore," Claire spat, actual spit flying from her mouth.
I was stunned, and stared back at her, my eyes flitting to Luna. She told her, and I couldn't blame her. That was her best friend, and she had to protect her, even if it meant outing me.
"That wasn't her fault," Eros pulled on her shoulder so she faced him. "I came onto her, and besides, that doesn't justify the fact that you quite literally put her most private possession into public."
Eros was a flawed character. He smiled too little and smoked too much. He could be selfish and he always had a guard around him that I wasn't even sure Ryder could penetrate.
But he was my friend. And he defended me. Like I always wanted him to.
I felt her fuming. "I wanted her to hurt, be just as embarrassed as I was when Luna told me she walked in on you two. What the fuck Eros? I thought you liked me? You fucking kissed me."
A hand tugged on mine and I turned my head to see Ryder. "Let's go," he whispered into my ear, taking the chance seeing that Claire was turned away from me.
"Stop defending her!" Claire screamed, turning to see Ryder pulling me away from her.
Claire to be frank, looked insane, eyes widened with hysteria, body stiffened as she panted at me, like a bull eyeing his prey.
"I'm sick of you two choosing her over Luna and Iâ the girls you're supposed to be interested in! She's literally a two-timing, conniving little bitch and she's fooled youâ fooled you all," she suddenly addressed the crowd staring at her in shock, "that's she's little miss goody-two-shoes. But that's not the case is it?"
"Claire," I tried to plead with her. "I'm sorry I had sex with Eros, I should've told you there were things happening between us before you and I even met but this?" I gestured to the quad. "This is childish. Why didn't you just ask me about what was happening between Eros and I? I would've been happy to shed some light."
Her eyes narrowed. "You already lied to me. How was I supposed to know you wouldn't lie to me again? You fucked Eros! You had sex with the boy I literally just went on a date with. I thought you were better than that Alice. You're supposed to be the kindest girl on the block, you were supposed to be my friend. Now, you're anything but."
Silence settled upon us as I took in her words. She was right.
Reputations sucked. They created an unhealthy amount of pressure to uphold it, and I hadn't realized how much mine had affected me, how lost I felt without it. I was known as the kindest girl on the block, that was my identity, all I knew.
But I wasn't that girl.
I was just Alice, an emotionally wrecked 17 year old. I was the girl who tutored to support her sister. I was Ryder's best friend. I was the girl, who wrote a list to make her life better, to make friends.
I was just a girl, and I certainly wasn't the kindest girl on the block.
I swallowed, feeling tears build up in my eyes, and I focused my attention on Eros and rage filled me till I was standing in front of him, my finger pointing into his chest as I hissed. "This is why we were supposed to fucking stay away from one another. Look what happenedâ I lost one of my friends and my list is out. Good fucking job Eros."
His eyes glinted and I think he wanted to say something, but he fought against the urge and looked down upon me passively, arms crossed.
I couldn't fucking take this anymore. Turning to the crowd that was staring at us, staring at Claire and giving her a sad look, I bolted, moving through the crowds because I felt my stomach twisting with the anticipation of vomit and my eyes burning with tears threatening to fall at any moment.
Ditching sounded pretty good at the moment.
An arm grabbed mine and I spun around to face Daniel McClaren, a boy I tutored freshman year for Spanish. He looked down at me with a smirk. "I know you've already completed #1," he lifted the list to his face and then over it at me. "But I'd be overjoyed to help you with #9."
#9: Make-out with that cute boy at that raging party.
I don't think I've ever been this humiliated in my entire fucking life. I jerked my arm from his grip, cheeks aflame with embarrassment.
God, why can't this be one of those moments where the protagonist faints and then wakes up and realizes this was all a dream, a big fucking dream. If this was a dream the first thing I'd do was going to go apologize to Claire and assure her I hated Eros.
But this wasn't a dream.
"Hey," the growly voice that I heard belonged to him, to Eros. He tore the list from Daniel's hand, stepping forward so Eros towered over him, fists clenched into tight balls. "She has a boyfriend."
Daniel tilted his head. "Who Zane? You? You scared I'm going to take your girl from you? We can share after all." He winked at me, as if we were familiars, as if his offer meant anything to me.
God, I'd rather marry Ryder than make-out with him.
Eros grabbed Daniel's shirt and suddenly they were nose to nose, the tension in the air accumulating tenfold. The crowd that had surrounded me, came around Eros and Daniel, and we all knew what was coming.
"I'm not her fucking boyfriend but I don't appreciate you talking about her like she's a fucking object."
Daniel shoved Eros off him, stepping back to cross his arms against his chest, regarding Eros as though he were scum, giving me a quick once over. "Damn Alice, I didn't know you really were a whore," he sneered. "Sleeping with Eros while dating another boy?"
Before I could even register Daniel's words, Eros' fist came crashing into Daniel's face, and as everyone cheered, 'fight!' I stood still, watching as my nightmares came into reality.
I couldn't breathe, I couldn't fucking get oxygen into my lungs as I watched the pair pummel their fists into one another, as the quad continued to squeeze upon me, bodies pressing up against me and I felt as though I were drowning in an abyss that I'd never escape from.
My father hit me, once. And I never got over it. Watching Eros fight with Daniel, I saw too many similarities between him and my father, that unrequited rage that had been pent up way too long, eyes that no longer held any emotion, just continued to hurt another human being.
This was so nauseatingly wrong.
It was terrifying seeing that look on Eros' face, a mask of complete and pure rage, that was fueled by hate, something I had never seen before, something I never thought I'd come in contact with.
The monster in Eros.
"Eros!"
The voice rang out above the crowds, piercing the air and Eros' head lifted, and his gaze settled on me, despite me not being the one calling his name out.
Ryder's hand closed around mine and he pulled me to the front of the crowd where he left me, grabbing a struggling Eros from the boy, others trying to hold back Daniel as well.
Where were the fucking security guards? The teachers?
Eros held my gaze and he looked wild like an animal. "Alice, stop fucking looking at me with those eyes."
I blinked, what eyes?
He addressed the crowd now, grinning cunningly. "Anyone who talks shit about Alice and her list will be answering to me and unless you want to end up like Daniel here, I really advise against it!"
Bile rose in my throat.
Who was he?
â¦
I leaned against the hood of his stupid silver car, waiting for him to arrive.
Begrudgingly, I decided to ditch, because there was too much crap that went down today that I couldn't stand to be in a classroom with anyone who had seen my list, who wanted to tease and taunt me.
Still, I was mildly upset I was ditching Calculus.
I watched as he walked out of campus alone, holding an icepack to his jaw. He looked bad. His clothes were badly torn up, blood splattered on his black t-shirt. Besides the growing swell on his jaw, I could see his busted knuckles, a forming bruise on his forearm.
Ryder told me he was suspended for three days and since Eros was the first to punch, there was a chance Daniel could press charges.
I was so beyond angry with him, and he had no idea.
Once he reached me and his car, his head tilted to the side and he raised a brow, dropping his hand from his jaw and my eyes landed on the growing pink bulge on his face.
"Don't you have English right now?"
I flitted my attention back to him and swallowed audibly; even though he just got out of a fight I so dearly detested, I have never found him so attractiveâ he was roughish with that stupid cunning face, like he was anticipating my next words, clinging to them.
I frowned.
"What the fuck was that back there?"
The slightly amused expression resolved to a stoic face of marble. He straightened up and faced me squarely.
"I'm sorry?"
"Whyâ" I searched for the words powerful enough to express my disgust for his actions today. "Why did you hit him?"
His response was immediate. "Because he was disrespecting you Alice, and frankly, he was disrespecting me too."
"So you resorted to violence?" My voice cracked. "Hurting another human being because he disrespected you Eros? You're better than that, there was no need for you to get into a freaking fight all because of some stupid comments!"
I watched as the boy before me transformed into a monster as he took two steps forward, towering over me. "Don't you fucking dare throw that at me Alice. I kept my mouth shut when you said I ruined things for you and Claire when it was definitely you who asked me to kiss you. I did all of this to protect you."
My arms pushed against him but he stood strong. "I don't fucking need you to protect me Eros, I'm a big girl and I can handle my business, I can handle Claire and I certainly could've handled Daniel too."
Eros let me push him, let my fists hit against his chest as I started to cry.
"You fought someone," I said, voice wavering, tears spilling as rested my palms against his chest, no longer inflicting my frustration on his body. "You punched," it was hard now for me to manage to get the words, I wasn't sure why this mattered to me so much, but this wasn't the boy I knew.
The Eros I knew was kind and gentle and caring.
The monster in Eros was not who he was.
"You punched him, a boy I tutored years ago even before I knew you existed." I took a deep breath. "And for the moments that you were fighting him, the Eros I knew faded from sight, and I don't know," I felt the tears fall onto my cheeks as Eros stared at me with disbelieving eyes.
"You were emotionless, as if Daniel wasn't a person at all, as if he was a punching bag you saw at the gym. That's not fucking okay Eros," I shook my head. "And I'm so angry with you for that."
Silence hung between us, in the filled parking lot that surrounded us. A bell for class rung on campus and I watched as students exited their fourth periods, a few curiously looking over to us in the parking lot.
Eros finally spoke, "I don't know if I'm repulsed or humored."
"What?"
He laughed coldly, "Alice, this is who I am. This is who I was before I moved here, you know that I told you this. And it isn't going to change just because you asked me to. It's part of my identity."
I pointed my finger into his chest, and he surprisingly moved backward with my movements, "No, I know who you are Eros, and this isn't it."
"Why does this matter so much to you?" He pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Because friends don't let friends beat others up!" My voice was shrill, getting us a few unnecessary glances from the students on campus, a few stopped to full-on stare but I couldn't care less.
"Stop lying," he growled.
I couldn't tell him, remind him. There was no way I was going to talk about how my father laid hands on me and how much it reminded me of him and Daniel, no way in fucking hell.
"Hurting people isn't who you are Eros."
Eros' words were biting and cold. "You didn't always know me Alice, fuck, you don't know me."
I pushed him again, "I know you Eros, and I know you well. I know your favorite color is orange, and when you're upset you go to the cliff or talk with your Grandma about what her life was like. I know that without Ryder you'd be struggling, and I know that you don't hurt people!"
"I hurt him for you!" He exploded, "I defended you Alice? Is that a fucking crime? That the thought of him kissing you made me angry?"
I flushed deeply, feeling my cheeks pound with blood. "No Eros, I adore that you defended me. What I don't adore is the fact that you could've just as easily used your words instead of your fists to get your point across. Is this how you want to be remembered at school Eros? As the bad boy?" I scrunched my face up, the disgust lacing my voice.
"I don't care what others think Alice, you of all people should know that."
I scoffed.
"Yes you do Eros. You care that people continue to think that you're a fucking God and that they're too scared to talk to you because you don't want to let any more people into your life because you're scared they're going to walk out on you. But as soon as someone does get to know you and you them, you get entranced and suddenly you have another person in your life you have to worry about."
His face fell and I felt him close up, hiding everything from me. "You think because we've been friends for a few months you know everything about me? You think you know my reasons for avoiding you because we don't want a relationship? You don't know anything Alice."
"Screw you Eros, you scared me today!" I stopped pushing him, and stood in front of his figure, arms wrapped around me. I felt naked, vulnerable even. "If Ryder didn't come and break up the fight I feared you'd knock him out. I feared that if I got you angry enough, you'd do it to me, to Ryder."
It was Eros' turn to press up against me angrily, "You know I would never lay hands on either you or Ryder so don't you dare fucking accuse me of something like that."
"Do I Eros? Because apparently I don't know anything about you!" I screamed and shoved him away from me.
Eros caught my arms, pulling me into his chest, holding me tightly as I sobbed into his stupid t-shirt. "Alice please stop. Calm down love. I'm not sorry I beat him up, but I am sorry that I scared you. I'm sorry that I'm not what you expected. Scaring you wasn't my intention."
I sniffled and pulled away from the comfort of his arms. "It wasn't your intention, but it was the reaction of your actions," I shut my eyes, lifting my head to the sky that beckoned me. "You aren't what I expected and you're rightâ I don't know you."
I looked at him, and swallowed my pride, swallowed the need to stay in his arms because for fucks sake, there was so many things keeping us apart, the universe was begging us to stay away from one another.
It was time one of us listened.
"And you don't know me."
I got into my car, completely disregarding the nagging thought that I was supposed to let Angelica drive home today. I didn't look at him as I exited the parking lot, even though my heart was aching for him.
I was sure he was standing there with a clouded expression. Soon enough, he'd climb into his car and drive to the cliff and just sit and his heart would be pained because Eros and I came to a truth we didn't want to realize but came face-to-face with today.
No matter how much we tried and avoided the truth, we just, weren't meant to be.
â¦