After four days, I came home. I came home after realizing I couldn't wear the same jeans and some of Ryder's shirts over and over again. I came home after Angelica called me for the twentieth time, and this time, I answered.
"Alice?" She asked.
I swallowed in discomfort. "What's up baby?"
Her voice cracked into hysterics. "Why aren't you coming home? Dad says you guys got into a fight and stormed off! Why the fuck would you leave me alone with him?"
Guilt ebbed into my system and I gnawed on my lower lip. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm coming home tomorrow. After school."
She continued to sob. "Is this what it's going to be like after you leave me for college? Alice fuckâ I don't know how I'm going to survive without you!"
"It's going to be okay," I reassured her, though I wasn't really sure if it was going to be okay. I wanted to go away for college, I wanted to go far away. I didn't want to stay anywhere near this forsaken city. But then how would I take care of Angelica? How would our father handle this?
She sniffled. "I miss you."
"I miss you too baby."
After four days, I didn't realize how much of a pig-sty our house could become. I stepped into the house in the afternoon, expecting the same house I left. But it wasn't. There were beer bottles strewn on every single surface, the scent of pungent vomit filtering into my nose, causing me to wrinkle my nose.
My father's shirts and ties were mopping the floor, spills of unknown liquids soaking them. I admit, I was a little angry at Angelica for letting the house become this much of a mess. It wasn't that hard to clean up after our father.
Stepping further into the house, I saw him. My father.
And he saw me. And motioned me over.
I was frozen with fear though. Was he going to hit me again?
"Alice."
His voice was clipped, calm, nonchalant, as if he didn't cause me to run away from this house, as though this wasn't his fault.
I took a few tentative steps forward. He wasn't going to hit me again, he wouldn't dare.
He seemed, put together, the juxtaposition of a clean, freshly pressed man in a heap of mess seemed, psychotic. He was typing on his laptop, a few files covering the coffee table that wasn't taken over by the brandy bottles and the crystal glasses he used when he drank hard liquor.
"You didn't call."
My fear was broken.
"You hit me," I countered angrily.
At this, his grey eyes focused on me, thoughtful. He crinkled his face, his liquor-filled breath fanning over my face, "How much did I fuck you two up?"
I laughed dryly. "We raised ourselves."
He swallowed. "After you left, I might've thrown a fit. Angelica came home while I was in hysterics and called my psychiatrist. I told him I hit you," he admitted. "They prescribed me a new medication."
I hardened, folding my arms against my chest. "And what did you psychiatrist say when you told him you hit me?"
My father cleared his throat and placed the laptop on his files. He motioned for me to sit down and when I didn't, he spoke. "I'm sorry Aliceâ"
"That doesn't make it fucking okay Dad!" I growled furiously, I didn't care that I cut him off, he was my father and I always defended him and one day he gave me all the reasons not to.
"I know." He said plainly shrugging. "There's nothing I can do to make it better, but fuck Alice. I," he twirled his thumbs and looked down. "I didn't realize how much damage I did to this family."
"We aren't a family."
He looked up at me painfully. "You have to believe me when I say I want to be the father you and Angelica want. And I try. And most of the time I fail. But I'm trying Alice, really I am."
I finally sat down. I wanted to believe his words, all I wanted in this world was to have my father be a normal dad, so we could be familiars. I wanted to believe he was going to be a better father to Angelica and I. Because we both needed it.
But it was so hard to forget what he'd done, how he abandoned us to raise ourselves.
"I know you are Dad."
For a few moments, the room was absorbed in the dull television playing in the background. Angelica wasn't home, she always spent her after school afternoons with friends and came home around 7ish.
"How did you and Angelica get over your mother's death?"
I looked at him startled. He held my eye contact.
We barely talked about Mom, much less her death, so the surprise on me face couldn't have been mistaken. "We never will Dad. We never healed." I confessed. "It sucked growing up without a mom, and it sucked even more to grow up with a Dad that didn't give his girls the slightest glimpse to the person their mother was."
He was hurt.
"Your mother was an angel-in-disguise," he breathed. "She was the light in the darkness. You and Angelica are both very much like her."
I felt my pent up anger for my father slowly dissolve and it sucked. I wanted to be angry with him for longer but I couldn't muster it. I knew he tried. I knew he regretted hitting me. Most of this wasn't his fault.
My father lacked many qualities that were necessary for being a good father, but regardless of that, regardless of how he seemed to the outside world, I loved him very much. And in a way, I knew he loved Angelica and I as much as he could. He just didn't know how to express it.
"You were named after Lewis Carroll's book, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, simply because your mother adored the book, and she wished her daughter would live her life openly, happily, filled with adventures and joy," his eyes were shut again, and he spoke casually, as if these were words he had practiced over and over again.
"When you were born, we were overjoyed Alice, fuck, you were a pain in the ass at three in the morning, but as a couple, we had never been happier. We were so excited to have another kid, to grow our children up and teach them about the world, and to show them the good."
I was transfixed by the words leaving his lips, stories I'd never heard, things I needed to hear while growing up.
"But when Angelica was born, obviously there were complications, and I couldn't bring myself to show you two the good in the world when I thought there was noneâ but Alice," his eyes opened and focused on me, "I swear to God, as you two grow older and become better people than I will ever be, I see the good in the world.
"As I live and breathe, I see the good in you."
I was crying. It wasn't meant to happen, but everything I ever needed to hear was coming from him, his explanation on why he wasn't able to be there for us, why we had to practically raise ourselves, and I was living for it.
We let this marinate in the air in a comfortable silence. I felt confused, to be honest. I was drained and tired and I wasn't sure if I wanted to form a bond with my father. After wanting it for so long, when I was presented with that opportunity, I was hesitant.
He broke the silence with four, unforgivable words, "Will you forgive me?"
I swallowed and stood, a new wave of fury hindering this sweet moment. He looked up at me curiously, not knowing about the storm that was about to hit.
"Dad. You hit me. You got physical with me, your seventeen year old daughter. I appreciate your words and all, but they don't mean anything if they aren't backed up with actions. So thanks but no thanks, until you start putting an effort into your girls and stop treating us like pests you're not fucking forgiven."
"How can I start?" He croaked after my retreating figure.
"I don't fucking know, pick up your shit that's around the house?" I screamed back at him, slamming the door to my room like a normal, angsty teenager.
As if.
â¦
He did clean up his mess. By the time I got downstairs that next morning, the house no longer smelled like a club, there weren't any beer bottles to be spotted and the hardwood floor was pleasantly scented lemon.
He even left me and Angelica coffee in our spare travel mugs with a post-it reading:
Left: Angelica (2 spoons of sugar and Almond milk)
Right: Alice (1 packet of Splenda and Half and Half)
I pursed my lips at the post-it. I didn't know he knew how we liked our coffee, I don't even remember the last time he saw Angelica or I drink coffee.
But it warmed my heart all the same, so much so that I was still in a brightened mood when I saw Eros' car outside, to pick Angelica and I up.
That didn't stop me from halting at the sight of his car, cheeks pumping with blood in anxiety. Eros and I were fighting our urges to be best friends and we made a pact, be civil with one another.
I could handle that right?
I stepped up to his passenger window which he rolled down, propping his arm out and sticking his head into the rising run.
"You know I can drive right?"
He raised an eyebrow at me. "Honestly, when you said you were going home to your father I thought I'd have to come pick you up at some point last night from your hysterics. But you didn't. And I didn't really trust you to get Jells and you to school."
I stuck my tongue out at him and called for Angelica.
"He's being weird," I climbed into his passenger seat, and he looked confused.
See, civility. It felt foreign, but pleasant. Like returning home after college.
"How so?" He yawned as we waited for an always-late Angelica.
I took a long drink from the mug. It tasted identical to the coffee I'd make, maybe even a bit stronger. "He cleaned up his mess, and made coffee for Angelica and I. I don't know the last time my father made coffee, let alone for us."
Eros pursed his lips. "I think he's trying Alice. It might be rough but that's how all grief is. That how I was. Grams could barely stand me for the first year after my parents died."
Angelica ran out of the house, clutching the coffee mug in one hand and her bag in the other. "Morning Eros," she panted as she climbed into the car. "Alice did you get your coffee?"
I raised the mug in answer. "Weird right?"
She laughed. "I feel sort of loved to be honest."
Eros and I exchanged a look. "I'm glad baby," I said softly, turning to look at her with a small smile.
She returned my smile shyly.
"Alice would you mind getting in the back?" Eros turned down an unfamiliar street and parked on the side of the road, scratching his neck nervously.
"What?" I said, in complete confusion.
"I'm picking Claire up and well, I don't want to make her uncomfortable with Angelica in the back," he looked back at Angelica saying seriously, "I'm not saying it's you Jells, I'm saying it's definitely her."
Angelica cracked a grin, a slight blush overcoming her cheeks from the nickname he used with her, the only one to call her 'jells'. She loved him, and I loved her for that. My sister who loved everyone.
"I know I'm a difficult personality Eros, you don't have to sugarcoat it."
I would say, the second girl after me for Eros to warm up to was 100% Angelica. I don't know if it was because she was my sister that they did, but they have an unspoken friendship and I knew that if something happened to her, he'd be one of the first people to come to her aid.
He laughed and I took my time climbing out of the car, taking time to be pettily upset that I was getting kicked to the back. I knew he said it was because he didn't want to make Claire upset, but I knew the real reason.
If we were genuinely terminating this thing between us, we couldn't keep acting like it.
Even though we so often did.
Claire had to become his first priority, whether I liked it or not.
We pulled up to her house in a few minutes and she sat at her steps in a pretty blue dress, yawning absentmindedly. Once she spotted Eros' grey car, she sprang up and ran to the car, smiling even wider when she saw me and Angelica in the back.
"Morning guys!" She cheered and handed Eros a coffee cup. "Black coffee, no sugar, no cream because you're a freak like that."
Angelica and I were in shock.
"Thanks," Eros placed it in his cup holder and smiled at Claire. "I feel like an Uber driver, is everyone buckled and ready?"
After making sure we were safe, he sped off, sipping his coffee on occasion. Claire turned to Angelica and stuck out her hand.
"You're Alice's sister right? It's super nice to meet you."
Angelica returned her smile, begrudgingly. She alike to me, didn't like sharing Eros.
"Yeah my name's Angelica. What's yours?" Angelica tilted her head, as if she didn't know Claire. Claire was one of the most popular juniors at our school, of course Angelica knew her but she decided to feign ignorance.
Claire's smile faltered and I felt my sister swell with pride next to me. "I'm Claire."
The rest of the ride was pretty insignificant as Claire pestered me with questions about American History for an exam she had later. I was fortunate, school topics were my safe place, I could answer questions about that all day.
Eros parked next to Ryder who leaned on the roof of his car, talking to Luna but instantly smiling at the four of us, grin widening further when he saw Angelica.
Both of my best friends had a soft spot for my sister. I think, after her birthday, they took it upon themselves to make sure she had a male role model in her life, and I was infinitely grateful for that.
Angelica was the first out of the car, yelling goodbye to me and Eros, ignoring Claire and kissing Ryder on the cheek before she bounded off to God knows where. Ryder called after her back. "Alice and I will take you home today!"
She turned back and yelled, "I'll get a ride from a friend but thanks!" before disappearing into a crowd.
Ryder opened my door quickly and pulled me out, "Which friend is taking her home Alice? Is your sister dating without telling us?"
I raised an eyebrow at him.
"She's fifteen Ryder. She can date if she wants and not tell us."
Ryder pursed his lips but didn't reply.
Claire and I settled in front of Ryder's car with him and Luna as Eros grabbed his backpack from his trunk.
"Why can't Eros take Alice?" Luna said, making polite conversation, but I knew she was a bit upset she couldn't have Ryder all to herself.
I didn't blame her, and I felt guilty all over again.
"Eros has work after school. He won't have time to get her home in time." He nodded to Claire. "So I'll take you home too."
I pursed my lips. "I really could've driven Angelica and I this morning."
Ryder shot me a look and whispered. "He nor I didn't want you to do that. You know why."
Claire and Luna looked at me expectantly to explain, but I didn't give. There were parts of my life that were private, that not even Eros and Ryder would've known if they hadn't gotten so involved in it.
Eros came to stand by us. "Did you tell Alice our spring break plans?"
I bit my lip. Now that we were all standing, I could see how breathtaking he was. Simple rings, simple t-shirt and black jeans, a charm hanging from his neck. I loved his simplicity and I think he knew.
That bastard.
Ryder beamed at me. "We're knocking off, #4, #7, and #11 this spring break Alice, you know why?"
At my straight face he continued, "We're going to Los Angeles baby!"
I choked on my coffee. "What?" I spluttered.
He patted my back continuing, "I already got the Air-BnB booked so don't try and back out on me! I got the tickets for the play 'Chicago' and I got my parents to pay. They said it's your birthday present," he winked.
I returned his wink with a deadpan face. "I don't like it when you throw money around like it's nothing and justify it by saying it's for my birthday! My birthday was a month ago and normal friends get each other CD's, not fancy trips to SF or SoCal."
His bright face cracked. "We are fortunate enough that we can. Besides, we all talk about traveling is good for the soul! Let my parents spoil you Alice. They didn't get to for a solid 14 years of your life."
The trip was tempting and with Ryder's puppy dog face, I felt my own grin grow. "Fine!" I said in defeat, raising my hands.
Ryder practically squealed and pulled me into his arms screaming, "Golden Trio road trip part two!"
I was justifying this with my new motto: YOLO.
I meanâ what could go wrong?