In the morning, Eros was still standoffish to me, but not as terribly as I expected. He just lacked the love I consistently depended on.
I hadn't realized how much I depended on it, how much my reality had changed since Eros and I became friends, the affection we gave to one another. Somehow, in the weeks since the gala, the lines we continuously crossed were erased and redrawn, as though we were chasing the limbo we were in, hoping to never escape though it continually slipped through our fingers.
Ryder stretched from his sitting position on the neatly made bed, grabbing his keys from the table next to him and pivoted on his foot toward me. "You bitches ready to experience this city?"
Looking back at Eros who was breathing in the smoke of a cigarette sitting at the bay window, I cringed, unsure of how I could experience the city like my parents had with Eros dragging along an unnecessary amount of angst.
Still, he looked fucking hot with that cigarette between his fingers.
He smushed the nub in a ash tray and nodded, standing, buttoning the long trench coat he had worn today, making him seem somehow much more taller than usual. Much more eye-catching as well, though I wasn't complaining.
Eros hadn't spared me a glance as he passed me to the door, and I pretended like that didn't hurt me.
Were we back to what we were before? Struggling acquaintances that didn't want to admit how much we meant to one another?
Following Ryder out the bedroom and down the stairs, we came outside to a crisp, windy San Francisco morning. The lazy fog covered the sky, creating a bleak, gray image for us to cast our moods upon, the wafting scents of salt and fish not unfamiliar but comforting all the same.
We climbed into the car without words, not sure if it was because of the disagreement between Eros and I, or if we were all genuinely exhausted.
I naively assumed Ryder a breakfast joint already in mind for us. And then he turned to me expectantly. "Well Alice, this is your trip, where do you want to get breakfast?"
I pursed my lips. That went out of the window huh. Unlocking my phone, I scrolled to my text conversation with Henry and read off the first restaurant I saw, "Uhâ Mama's, it's in Washington Square."
Eros watched me carefully and I shrunk back into my seat, feeling ridiculously guilty.
And I shouldn't be. Right?
Ryder punched the name of the restaurant into his phone and got directions, all while turning the radio on. And then he squealed, twisting the knob for the volume all the way up so the bass of the song thundered in the car and the volume split my head open.
"Eros, you gotta drive man, I can't miss this song." Scrambling from his seat, he exited the car and ran around the car, pulling Eros' door open with equal strength, not paying much attention to Eros' confused face.
"For fucks sake Ryder it's fucking Outkast." He grumbled, walking around the car and into the driver's seat, complying for once with Ryder's instructions.
I stared at Ryder with a brow raised. "You're kidding me right?" I yelled over the music, but he never responded.
"Alice?" Ryder asked me. "What's cooler than being cool?"
Not believing I remembered the words to this song, I giggled, "Ice cold!"
Eros pulled out of the driveway, a small smile growing on his lips as we experienced our best friend serenade the two of us with an Outkast song. Ryder continued to sing excessively, sticking his head out of the window, living like the teenagers we were meant to be.
So I joined him.
I shoved my head out of the window, taking a deep gulp of fresh sea air and screamed, "Shake it like a Polaroid picture!" I pumped my fists, waving a random pedestrians on the street as they stared at Ryder and I, listening to our god awful voices (well mine at least), and laughing.
Ryder backed me up continuing, "HEeEeEEEEY YeAAAAAHHHH," and sung the rest of the song with me with just as much enthusiasm as when we had started to sing the song.
Settling ourselves back in the car, Eros grumbled, "You two are children, I swear."
Ryder smiled. "And you love us for it."
Eros rolled his eyes, searching the street for parking, but a ghost of a smile tilted his lips upwards.
The restaurant was moderately full, but we managed to claim a small booth in the corner of the restaurant, squeezing in what I was 99% sure was a two person booth. I sat next to Ryder, sticking my feet on the remainder of the room Eros had beside him on the seat. Pulling the menu toward me, I ignored the curious glance of Eros.
"How'd you find this restaurant Alice?" Ryder asked, taking a sip of water we had been served as soon as we sat down.
"Iâ uh, well Henry actually recommended to me a few restaurants and this one looked good," I mumbled quietly, hoping Eros wouldn't catch on.
Thanks to Ryder, that wouldn't matter.
"You're still talking to him?" By the tone of his voice, he was genuinely surprised.
I swallowed, throat dry. I grabbed my glass, sipping the water to aid my saw-paper like throat to no avail. "Well yeah, is it that much of a shock?"
Ryder nodded, "He's the kind of guy to hump and dump," he said jokingly, prodding me with his elbow. "So have you likeâgotten it?"
I turned to Ryder, bemused. "No. And I don't plan to."
"Oh. But what's happening between you guys?"
I shrunk in my seat, shrugging. "I'm not sure."
"Oh," Ryder said again and ended our conversation. I looked over to him and was surprised to see a frown creasing his face.
"What?"
He glanced at me and shrugged. "I just don't think it'd work between you two, that's all."
Eros cleared his throat and pointed at the menu, "Beignets sound good don't they?" He briefly looked up at me, eyes free of all emotion. For a moment I succumbed into my thoughts and wondered if Eros was happy or complacent about the news about Henry and I.
A uncomfortable silence overtook us, a confusing silence. There had never been a time where I was uncomfortable sitting next to the two of them, never a moment where we fell into a silence like this.
The dynamic of our friendship was shifting and I wasn't liking it.
"On the topic of new relationships," I hummed, eyes still on my menu as I re-read 'topped with strawberries and bananas' over and over again. "Luna tells me you've been texting her lately."
Ryder groaned and a smile grew on my lips. "She told you?" He complained, smacking his forehead against the table, tilting his head so he could look at me and pout, soft pink lip protruding out of his mouth.
I melted, he was so cute.
"We're friends now Ryder, us girls tell each other everything! Besides, I think it's cute you want to take her to a carnival," I hummed happily, watching as his face deadpanned and he glared at me.
"I hate girls."
I laughed, "And we all hate boys, so don't worry." I smoothed back his curls and stuck my tongue out at him, happy that I dissolved some of the tension in the group.
"Do you tell Luna about you and Henry?" Eros asked.
Pulling my hand from Ryder's curls, I frowned. "A little."
He clenched his jaw, a muscle twitching adamantly, displaying how done Eros was with me and folded his menu again. "I'm going to find a bathroom." He announced, leaving the table quickly.
I felt my stomach turn. I knew what Eros was thinking, the connection he made. If I told Luna about Henry and I, there was no doubt I also spoke about Eros and I.
But I didn't. Some things were so private they could only live between Eros and I.
Ryder sat up, and took this opportunity to face me, hand slinging over the back of the booth. His body turned to me, his cross necklace swinging wildly away from his body. "I'm not dumb Alice. What the fuck is happening between you and Eros?"
My eyes widened and I felt my heart speed up in shock. "Whaâwhat?" I stuttered.
"You heard me Alice."
"I don't know," I admitted in a small voice. I couldn't lie to Ryder, I could lie to Eros, I could lie to anyone, but I couldn't lie to my best friend. My best friend who always wanted the best for me. "There might be something happening between us but neither of us have made any attempts to establish that there is something between us."
His fingers gently stroked my hair and he smiled. "Not gonna lie, I always thought you'd fall for me before you'd ever fall for Eros."
I rolled my eyes. "You think too highly of yourself Ryder."
Ryder's arm fell from the seat onto my shoulder and he pulled me into his side, his other hand formed into a fist and rubbing aggressively on the crown of my head. "I am a God damn catch Alice, I don't know why you'd pick him over me. I mean," he whispered his next word, "Eros," and resumed normal volume, "is like a sad puppy. Why would you want a sad puppy over a friendly golden retriever?"
"Ryder!" I complained, swatting at his fist and pushing myself away from him. "Did you just compare yourself to a golden retriever?"
He beamed, "If I were a dog, would you not think I'd be a golden retriever?"
"You'd be a Chihuahua Ryder," Eros said flatly, sitting back in his seat across from Ryder and I, a confused expression on his face from the aggression exuding from each of us. "I leave you guys alone for two minutes, honestly!"
â¦
Strong, forceful winds whipped us sitting a yard apart on the edge of Twin Peaks. A haze of fog slowly moved in, edging toward the center of the city, covering the startling bright lights that hurt my eyes if I stared too long.
"Alice."
After a four exciting, long days of exploring, our trip was coming to an end. I basked in the opportunity to experience the city my mother had once loved, and I found myself too falling in love with the city, the sharp hills and soft fog, the guttural winds and busy buses.
It was a city I could find myself living in.
On our last night, after Ryder fell asleep, Eros asked me to come with him, and without any words from myself, I followed him, in the hopes we could finally talk about what had happened between us, and what could happen.
"You've become a massive part of my life Alice, and I never want there to be a time where you aren't in it."
Turning from the glowing city, my focus came to a observant Eros, head tilted in concentration as his eyes seemed to try and memorize every detail of my skin. In the starlight, the hue of his eyes glimmered, mixing with the golden light reflected in them, glimmering with an equal amount of mischief.
I swallowed, my palms beginning to perspire and I anxiously rubbed them against the fabric of my leggings.
"Why are we here Eros?"
His hand reached out and he stroked a finger across my cheek, smiling sadly. "So is there something developing between you and Henryâdon't you even try lying to me Alice."
At his words, I flinched from his touch and moved back. This was not what I wanted to talk to him about.
"I don't know, maybe, I think he likes me."
Eros seemed sadder, his body drooping and he looked off into the distance, twisting the rings on his fingers absentmindedly, his body barely moving from his shallow breaths.
"And do you like him?" His voice was contained, suppressed, as if he were hiding any biases he was sure to have on the matter, but I wanted him to release himself, I wanted to see his true feelings and stop this fucking back and forth guessing game.
"I'm not sure," I confessed.
His expression hardened immediately, and I regretted letting the words passing my lips. He tugged on the jacket he wore and addressed me again, "Do you want something to happen between the two of you?"
I settled for the truth.
"I don't knowâmaybe."
He nodded thoughtfully, this time not upset or repressing some kind of emotion, as though he came to terms with something.
In the moonlight, his blonde hair seemed darker, light casting new shadows on his skin, highlighting his hollow cheeks, the slope of his jaw, the broadness of his shoulders and I felt myself melting in his beauty. His body turned to me, facing me head on and he grabbed my hands, holding them tightly. The eye contact between us could not be described as anything but regretful.
"I like you Alice, hell, I really fucking like you. Your entire being consumes my days and my nights. I want you to meet my grandmother, I want to show you Virginia. Fuck Alice, I trust you with my entire being."
I took a sharp intake of breath, heart fluttering, my ears not believing what they were hearing but at the same time basking in this newfound information.
Eros liked me. That fucking boy had a crush on me, a big fat one as the one I had.
"But I'm not the right guy for you Alice."
Everything paused, halting in the moment, his eyes frozen in apprehension as he spoke, and my inability to speak, my inability to breathe as I felt my heart begin to shatter.
"We're not doing this Eros," I cried, my voice having much more pain and desperation in it that I had intended.
He ignored my words.
"You deserve so much more than a broken kid that attends therapy, and is introverted and can't provide you with a stable, happy relationship."
"Eros," my voice was hard, sharp. "I am happy with you."
I didn't want to talk about this, not now, not ever. I didn't want to talk about this because I could feel my heart breaking. No matter how I tried to hide it, push it aside, I had a big fat crush on Eros and it was only getting worse.
"Whatever has happened between us, it needs to stop Alice. We can't do this."
"That's enough Eros!" I snapped, this time real hysteria entering my voice.
He looked back at me, shock riddling his features. "Alice!" This time he yelled, his voice quaked, eyes widening in desperation, "Do you want to date?" He hissed, red splotches appearing on his cheeks. "Do you want to be like a normal couple because for fucks sake Aliceâ we would never be a normal couple. What do you want from me?"
And this time, I yelled back, arms flailing as I felt my entire world changing. "I want you to stop complicating things! Why can't we just be Alice and Eros, why do we need a label? I don't want things to change between us, I don't want to become your half-friend again!"
Silence settled upon us as Eros regarded me, eyes regretful and solemn. He knew he hurt me, and he knew there was nothing he could do to take it back.
He had spoken his mind and there was no going back.
"Nothing is going to change Alice so don't you dare throw that bullshit at me. You know I care for you, things are severely different from when I considered you a half-friend."
I remained silent, fuming and coping next to him. The distance between although large, was too small for me, I wanted to get away from Eros and cry and talk to Luna, talk to someone who would understand what I was going through.
For not the first time that night, I wished my mother was still here.
Eros spoke again, surprising me, shifting the subject away from us and the tension growing between us, that would continue to persist like a bad rash. "You can't see all of the stars here, it's not like home."
My head tilted up, taking in the slightly skewed version of the sky I was seeing. The sky, dark and elusive shimmered with a sparingly amount of stars, the moon still bright and high in the sky. Eros was rightâ we couldn't see all the stars that we usually saw at home.
"I love the sky." He commented.
From the corner of my eye, I examined Eros and his curiosity. The sky seemed to be a constant in his life, and I wanted to know why.
We had to talk about everything.
"Is that why your poetry was about the sky?"
His head swiveled to me sharply, and then he hesitated, as if internally debating, "I see it." he said. "I can describe every person we know in terms of the sky. Some people just have characteristics that align with the mood of the sky. The sky makes me feel free."
"What kind of sky is Ryder?" I asked, my voice low.
He answered almost automatically, "A partly cloudy day, bright, slightly windy, but warm."
"And you?"
"I'm the night Alice, deep and cold, as dark as it gets."
"And me?"
His eyes lifted to mine, holding my gaze for what seemed like forever. "You're the day Alice. You shed the light on darkness."
My cheeks burned from my blush.
"And that poem?" My voice was husky and thick and full of hesitation, but I had to know I wasn't just reading in between the lines. "Who was it about?"
Eros bit his lip, eyes softening. "It was about me. And you. Us."
We locked eyes again, a swift breeze pushing on us, pushing the night on us. The seconds passed but they passed like the breeze, fluidly. I took a deep breath and spoke again, my voice cracking with sadness. "Do you think you're ruining me Eros?"
Like the night, he was dark and mysterious and cold. But he shone with a brightness that was difficult to miss, he created safety in the dark, something I couldn't live without. The night air whipped around us, the scent of salty water and burnt wood somehow reminding me of Eros and the cologne he wore.
I still wanted him.
"I do Alice." He tucked the strands of hair that were flying up around me that were hiding my crimson cheeks from his sight, cradling my cheek. "I've tainted what I admire about you so. It's why we can't date Alice. It's why you should date Henry."
"Erosâ"
"That's final Alice. I've made my decision. We're better off as friends."
And like the night, I missed him when he was gone.
â¦
I'm out of the country so updates will be sporadic for a while! But nevertheless I am still writing and finishing Alice's story. We are in fact, nearing the end. I'd say there's roughly 10-15 chapters left :( i am very excited though, to finally complete this adventure.
All my love you crazy mofos
Can you tell how much i miss one direction?