I panted, slightly out of breath, and wonderfully drunk. Henry's veiny, strong arms gripped my hips as I grinded against him to the beat of the song, laughing and singing, and for the first time in my life, not giving a flying fuck.
We danced on the packed outdoor dance floor, the same dance floor I had seen the first Ryder Thompson party I had attended, and at the time I had no intention of getting on. But tonight was different.
Henry's lips danced across the exposed skin of my neck and shoulder, his boner growing more and more apparent the longer we danced, the longer my ass was on him, the more we drank, the more I was allowing him to hold me.
"I love this song!" I giggled, my arms coming to reach up to Henry gripping his hair as he continued his assault on my skin. He groaned into my shoulder, his grip on my hips becoming almost painful.
"And I love you against me Alice," he replied huskily, suddenly spinning us around so I faced his, his hands cupping my ass, lips dangerously close to mine. "When you invited me to see party girl Alice, I would've never expected this to be her."
For a moment, I was reminded that this wasn't me, I have never been a party girl, have never allowed for a boy to touch me like this, and I never will be, no matter how hard I try. I swallowed and smirked up at Henry. "She doesn't come out often," I confessed. It was a half-truth, this side of me had never come out before, and she would more than likely never come out again.
His eyes glinted in the moonlight and his hand brushed some hair out of my face. "You're quite the interesting character Alice Black." He held me close now, dangerously close, and even in my drunken state, I knew this was something I shouldn't be doing. "Let's go inside."
Despite my better judgement, I allowed for him to steer me inside, and get bombarded by Ryder.
"Alice!" He exclaimed, surprised, surprised of what, I wasn't sure. He sat at the dining room table with Luna, two glasses sitting in front of them, a deck of cards lazily spread across the wooden surface. His eyes followed the connection of skin between Henry and I, my lazy grin, Henry's tight grip on me, and the smile on Ryder's face fell.
"Are you okay?"
He was concerned.
I nodded, "Of course Ryyyyyder!" I smiled widely, a sad attempt at convincing him to leave me the fuck alone and let Henry have his way with me.
His head tilted, confusion filling his eyes and I was taken aback. Was I truly that fucked up that though I was thinking I was making sense, I was actually intelligible?
"You're drunk."
He was disappointed.
"Henry, busy yourself for a while, I want to talk to my best friend," not waiting for a response, and with remarkable strength, Ryder pried Henry off of me and steered me to the kitchen.
He opened and shifted through the fridge, pulling out various fruits and dishes, not taking any notice to the odd stares we were getting. He held me with a vice grip as though he were afraid I'd run away, and I became genuinely worried.
"Ryder let me go." My voice was harsher than I expected, crueler, and instead of following my words, he spun to face me, expression unreadable as he held me tightly now with both hands.
He was angry.
"If you're ever going to get drunk again, tell Eros or I. If you ever get drunk again, I want to be able to see you at all times." His tone was cruel and his typical kind eyes were piercing and cold.
With me.
"What?" I whimpered, shrinking under him.
"He was going to try something with you Alice. And I know he's as equally as drunk as you are, but fuck Alice," his voice broke, tears filling his eyes. "If something happened to you, in my own fucking house, and I didn't stop it, I would never forgive myself Alice."
I stood in front of him, stunned as he let the tears fall on his cheeks, his grip loosening on me.
"I want you to have fun Alice, don't get me wrong, but you're also naive and trusting and careless at times. There's a lot of people in this world that would take advantage of that. And as long as I'm your best friend Alice, I never plan for that to happen." He patted off the tears on his cheeks and pointed at me threateningly. "Now you're going to sit your pretty ass down and eat this fucking food."
Ryder handed me a plate of cold pasta and a banana and shooed me to sit next down at the island.
Timidly, I followed his instructions, silent for the most part, ashamed of how I had been acting and how it affected Ryder. Walking past the fridge I caught sight of my reflection and stifled a gasp.
When I had meant to get fucked up, I didn't mean to look fucked up as well. My hair was matted in places and sticking up in others, my lipstick was badly smudged and I had obvious hickeys running along my shoulders and neck. Swallowing I took a seat in front of Ryder and gratefully ate the food he gave me, drinking the tall glass of water he placed in front of me without complaint.
"Why'd you get drunk Alice?" Ryder asked with a sigh, leaning forward on the flesh of a palm, watching me as I ate.
I put my fork down, shrugging. "Eros and I are in the middle of a fight. And I was just so sick of caring of being uptight and choosing my actions to fix our problems, I just wanted to be a reckless teenager and have fun."
"You really got that reckless part down," Ryder muttered, reaching over and grabbed the empty water glass, turning as he refilled it.
I frowned. "It won't happen again. I'm sorry Ryder," I said, stabbing my fork into some pasta and eating it without tasting it, driven by the need to please Ryder.
He turned to me, placing the glass in front of me, and his eyes softened. "It can, and should happen again Alice. I guess I just wasn't expecting you to get shit-faced and almost accidentally sleep with Henry. Next time, I hope it's either Eros or I you throw that ass back on, because the last thing we would do is take advantage of you in this state."
I looked down guilty, because I knew it was true. It didn't matter what I did to them, they wouldn't intentionally, harm me, physically at least. Eros was already hurting me mentally, draining me and pulling me left and right as I competed for a place in his heart.
"I'm very lucky to have two best friends like you guys," I murmured, smiling sweetly at a bemused Ryder.
"I know," he stated, two hands resting on his hips as he addressed me again, pointing the in direction of the staircase. "Now go clean up, you reek of alcohol."
I handed him my dishes and followed his instructions without delay, allowing my now bare feet to skim the floor, my dress hanging loosely on my body, somehow incorporated with the stench of alcohol I too was as well. I felt dirty, I felt shameful, shameful of how I let my annoyance sway my actions, turning me into a girl I knew I wasn't.
A girl I'd never be.
Upstairs, I stepped into Ryder's room and locked the door, stripping of my dress, tossing it on Ryder's bed, walking in my underwear to his ensuite and turning on the water, intending to wash this whole night away.
Staring back at my reflection, the hickeys on my skin, I rubbed angrily at my skin, and, started to cry.
I couldn't tell you why I was crying.
Pulling at my makeup wipes, I smeared it all over my face, removing whatever evidence of my tears off my face and stripped, stepping into the practically scalding water.
There I sobbed heavily, taking a washcloth and angrily scrubbed at my skin till I was tingly and pink, washed my hair two or three times, gargling the water a few times, feebly attempting to remove whatever kind of 'fucked' up I was.
I still was half-drunk of course, still wobbly and upset, but somehow managing to see the clarity in the haze. There was of course, the truth underlying Ryder's words.
Although I hadn't thought about sex, I'm not sure Henry wasn't. I was thinking of fun and making out and letting myself go, letting Henry do with me what he wanted to.
And perhaps that's what terrified me the most, if Henry wanted to have his way with me, I would let it happen, I would encourage it and lose my virginity, drunk, at Ryder's house, to a boy I didn't even trust.
I would've let it happen.
My body shook as I cried under the steaming water, and drained, I shut it off, stepping out into the steaming air, the air baking my body dry. Tugging on a towel, I dried my hair, walking back into the bedroom naked, heading straight for his closet and grabbing a random hoodie off a hanger and pulling it on my body, enveloped in Ryder's comforting scent.
Reminded me of home.
I opened a random drawer and slipped on a pair of sweatpants and pulled on some socks too, padding out of the room to get another glass of water, intending to head to bed after.
The sound of music from the room across to Ryder's made me pause.
Eros' room.
He was in there, doing God knows what, but avoiding the party, in a way that I wished I had too. I pressed my palm against the door, wondering if he had a girl in there, rationalizing quickly that he could barely talk to me, let alone another girl.
I knocked twice nonetheless before cracking the door open, the music now blasting loudly out of the room, an artist unknown to me, but somehow a perfect song for Eros. Stepping inside, I was momentarily confused by the darkness, until I spotted his mass of a body splayed on his bay window, the red butt of his cigarette filtering smoke in the air, moonlight falling through window.
"Hey," I said timidly, shutting the door softly behind me, slowly walking toward him and finding a place for myself across from him, stretching my legs across his, and leaned against the wall. "Why are you here and not downstairs?"
He shrugged, "Wasn't really feeling the party tonight," he took a drag from the cigarette and puffed it out the window, his free hand mindlessly massaging my sock-covered feet. He glanced at me, slightly confused, "Where's your dress?"
Shocking both him and I, I grabbed his cigarette, taking a long drag from it, the smoke burning the back of my throat, but I held the smoke there, tasting it's rancid taste, letting it burn before blowing it out, coughing weakly, my lungs not used to this kind of abuse.
"You might need to bash Henry's brains in," I avoided the question, not giving the cigarette back to Eros, but instead taking another drag from it.
His jaw tensed, almost reflective of how tense the situation had now become, his grip tightening on my feet, "What the fuck did he do?" His eyes cut through the darkness, brighter and dangerous, glinting with malice.
He truly was a dangerous as they said he was.
"He didn't do anything actually," I admitted, "but we would've if Ryder didn't step in."
He relaxed, as though that washed away the idea that he could've done something. Eros' hands began their massage again, this time traveling up my ankles and rubbing my calves absentmindedly.
"We would've?" He clarified, grip tightening once more, "You're drunk Alice, you can't give consent. He would've been taking advantage of you."
"I'm not drunk," I jutted out my chin defiantly, upset that my shower evidently didn't wash away what I had wanted it to, and I put the cigarette to my lips once more.
"Yes you are Alice," He breathed, leaning forward, gripping my thigh with one hand, sending shivers up my body, and a spike in my breath as my gaze focused on his pale pink lips that neared my own, his tobacco tinged breath fanning my face, before he grabbed his cigarette from my mouth and leaned back once more. "I'm upset you didn't invite me to this drunken extravaganza."
I shrugged, slowing my breathing, trying to convey the fact that he didn't affect me as much as he did. By the look of his bemused expression, I don't think I did very well.
"I don't think you would've wanted to be there."
"And why not?"
I maintained a steely gaze with him, watching him carefully as I spoke. "You wouldn't have much fun watching me grind against a guy you don't like whilst you just stood there."
His jaw flexed, his grip tightening on the quickly diminishing cigarette. "If I were there, his brains would be bashed in, and the only guy you'd be throwing it back on would be me." As he spoke, wafts of smoke flooded the air between us.
I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry, wetting my lips with my tongue nervously.
Wrong move.
His eyes darkened, and his grip rose to my thigh again as he leaned forward toward me, placing the cigarette between my lips, allowing me to breath in the smoke before retracting it again, smushing the stub on an ash pan on the window sill.
I took this moment to look outside, at the party raging outside, the people dancing and laughing and having fun, comparing this to the, I admit, rather lustful and intensified conversation I was having with Eros. And still, there wasn't anywhere else I'd rather be.
"I'm sorry Alice."
I whipped my head toward him, listening to the rest of his apology.
"Earlier today, I snapped at you for being my friend, and I know you didn't deserve it but fuck Aliceâ" he cradled my cheek, fingering weaving into my hair, spare hand holding tightly to a thigh. "Being friends with you, I've never been more scared to lose someone in my life again. You found a place in my locked heart and I'm afraid what would happen if I lost you."
I pulled his hand off my face, kissing his palm gently, squeezing it. "You won't lose me Eros," I said determinedly, dropping his hand, and it came to rest on the other thigh.
Silence fell upon us again, the music, unexpectedly smooth and deep in bass, filling the air, the artists voice willing me to commit things I had never done before. It didn't boom in the room, but it created a vibe in the room that made my stomach twist in anticipation.
"Are you sober Alice?"
I looked up at him confusedly, shaking my head.
He looked restless. "Are you sober enough that I can ask to kiss you?"
I didn't respond, not because I didn't hear him though.
But because I had lent up toward him already, brushing our lips together, my hands holding his face as his own came to wrap around my waist tightly, causing me to fall into his lap. The kiss was warm, spreading a warmth throughout my body, tingling my skin, sending a wave of butterflies flurrying in my stomach.
I wanted him.
Perhaps I've known that all along, that this friendship was always destined for more, ever since that God forsaken Gala, since the night in the truck and the poetry slam. Nothing had ever felt this right in my life, and I wasn't about to run away from this.
His lips were soft, the taste tainted with tobacco and alcohol, but perfectly molded against mine as they moved, his hands coming to rest under my ass as he stood up, walked over and placed me on the bed, climbing over me, kissing me more urgently now.
We pulled apart, and despite the fact that I felt his warmth leech from my body, I stared at him shellshocked as he hovered over me, the charm on his chain dangling over my face.
I just kissed someone. Not just anyone. Eros. Eros mother-fuckin Zane.
But instead, we just kissed again, this time, slightly more aggressive, as if we needed each other, as if time was running out for us to be there in that moment.
The kisses were heavy and though I was unsure of how exactly to react, he guided me through it, the pressure of his lips rough against mine, tongues softly clashing, fingers brushing against the skin that had been exposed by my hoodie.
My fingers were in his hair, our chests skimming, our lips detached for a moment, our heavy breathing mingling in the minimal space between us.
He kissed me again, breathing deeply, wrapping his arms around my bare back, lifting me up toward him to minimize the space between us. When we fell apart he looked down at me wistfully. "You're so fucking beautiful," he whispered, kissing my forehead. "You scampered in here in a fucking hoodie and sweatpants and somehow I've never found you more lovely." He kissed just underneath my chin.
Eros had lit a fire in me, and it grew, burning for desire to have his skin against mine, to have him relief the growing discomfort between my thighs, I whimpered from under him, my small hands reaching to grasp the bottom of his shirt and lifted it, exposing the pale skin underneath to which I lifted my head and pressed tender kisses upon, feeling him shudder under my touch. He firmly grasped my chin, moving to kiss me again, kindling the heat between us.
"Are you sober enough to tell me what you're ready and not ready to do?" He asked against my lips, lips moving down, leaving a hot trail in its path.
"If you're asking if I'm going to have sex with you Eros the answer is no," I said, moaning halfway through as his lips began to press against my throat, hands lost under the hoodie.
He laughed, and it vibrated against my skin, causing me to giggle as well. My hoodie was lifted, and now he sat up, looking down at me with a soft smile. "We're not fucking," he kissed the recently exposed goose-bumped skin. "So what are we doing?"
"Stop ruining this with your questions, when I say stop you'll know to stop," I grumbled, pulling him back up to my lips.
Well, I certainly got fucked up then.
If not, in the way I initially expected.
â¦
ngl i contemplated having them having sex but then i was like dam alice ur still drunk calm urself, so my kids just had some fun that ended in the big O hehe (for both of them im sick of girls never orgasming)
i love myself dam.
aLSO the song: 3005 by Childish Gambino was the song played during their first kiss, and to this day still reminds me of Eros and Alice's kiss.
all my love