"Your house?" One hand was one the steering wheel, and with the other pressed up on the armrest, he rested his head on it, looking blankly at me.
I clicked my seatbelt in as Eros turned over the engine and shifted his gear into reverse, backing out of the parking space, "My house?" It was a question not a statement.
He glanced at me briefly, "Yeah, didn't I say I was going to hang out with you today?"
I remained silent at this, He did. But in no shape or form did I actually expect him to follow through with his words, "I thought you said that to avoid hanging out with Claire."
To my surprise, he chuckled, a light little laugh that made me relax in the car. "I did," he admitted, "what do you think of her?"
I thought about this briefly, I had interacted with her many times, that was a given, but I never really took time to consider her as a person, "Well, she's really pretty and she often lets her emotions dictate her life, which can be both a good and bad thing," I realized I was droning on a rapidly ended it, "but she's really kind!"
Almost immediately he responded with a shaking of his head, "You're the kindest girl on the block Alice."
He wasn't like normal boys- the compliments he gave were always unexpected and quick, and quite frankly I got flustered whenever those compliments were directed at me.
He spoke again before I could respond, "She's the easiest girl to screw."
My mouth opened and closed again- how the heck was I supposed to respond to that? "That's not nice Eros," I finally decided on.
He laughed, a short and sarcastic sound that rumbled from his throat, almost chokingly-like, "There you go again proving you're so fucking nice."
I grimaced at his vulgarity- I wouldn't say it bothered me so much usually, but in the context he was using it in, felt more like an attack than a compliment.
There was a pause in the car, and for a moment, I forgot that it was Angelica's birthday and I had planned on going to the cemetery after school, it was just as, as almost friends.
And then reality came crashing in.
"You can drop me off here," I gestured to the bus stop that I had passed so many times before riding that line to the cemetery, back before I knew how to drive, back before: when our father stopped taking Angelica and I.
I didn't turn to him, but I felt his penetrating stare as he passed the bus stop I referred to. "Why would I have done that Alice?"
I didn't like the way he said my name there, not one bit.
"Please Eros," There was a waver in my voice, it was small and almost nonexistent, but I knew he noticed it.
"I'm not dropping you off at a fucking bus stop Alice, if you need to go somewhere else than home, that's fine, but there's no way in hell I was leaving you there."
I swallowed. I didn't want him to come to the cemetery, nor did I want to go to the cemetery later, but I had to go, and it had to be now.
"Can you take a left here then," I shakily pointed to the nearing stop light, and without any complaints, he merged into the left lane and took the left.
"Where are we going Alice?" He asked, in a much kinder voice.
"I have to take care of some business."
***
We got there much more quickly than I anticipated, and he parked, without a question, got out of the car, without a question, because he understood.
We understood each other so much more than we wanted to admit.
I stooped by the gate that led to the cemetery, by the bushes of flowers that I had planted a few years back. I was sick of seeing such a menacing sight of the funeral, sick of buying flowers myself, and specifically planted three bushes: poppies, forget-me-nots, and hydrangeas.
I picked the forget-me-nots every year, my favorite flower, to place on my mothers grave. My fathers favorite were the poppies.
I can recall, on much happier days, before my father drowned himself in alcohol, before my sister was a splitting image of our mother and my father was just an awkward man that distanced himself from his daughters that, he'd take us to the store to buy flowers for mom. I'd always want to get the soft petals that came from the forget-me-nots, but he, he got the poppies, because they were, my mothers favorite.
Angelica preferred the beauty of hydrangeas, their pungent scent that encapsulated the air always.
And so, I planted all three, so we wouldn't have to go through the trouble of buying them every year.
We stopped visiting together five years ago. When Angelica turned 9 and I was 11. We were children, unable to visit our dead mother.
The first time I visited alone when I was 11, I took the bus for the first time, for the first time by myself, and until I was able to drive, this was my routine.
And after that came a routine for us, though who would come first always varied. It was a routine we never broke, a routine I knew well.
My nimble fingers harvested my Forget-Me-Nots, there were no stems, just short brilliantly blue flowers on a brilliantly large bush, my mind just pondering the steps I knew would overcome me as I visited my mother, the steps to which I would endure.
First, there was ease and serenity.
Soft noises, like the rushing of the fountain nearby, my light steps on the slippery grass, narrowing avoiding stepping on the dead, and the sound of my even breathing was a source of calamity. This was a calm I could only achieve when visiting her.
And there it was, white marble, the name reading:
Here lies Belle Black, a daughter, sister, wife, mother, and child of God.
I swallowed, not sure of how long the ease and serenity would last, but sure it wasn't going to last much longer.
The white marble was lightly spotted with orange hydrangeas, as if someone picked them from their stems and attempted to surround my mother in the flowers. I noted the absence of the poppies, he'll come after dinner I supposed, we never dared break this tradition. I did the exact same with my flowers, circling them around her name, delicate and fresh.
While doing this, I softly hummed, not focused on the tune, but it served as a distraction. I always cried when I came here.
Secondly, there were tears.
I wished the flower arranging would take longer, but it only took a matter of two minutes, and I was forced to stare dead on at the grave-stone. I ran a finger across the stone, my fingers tracing the word mother.
The first tear fell down.
Was it appropriate to call her a mother? We got so little time with her, I could only remember her face because of photographs, not because I knew her well enough.
Tears turned into light sobbing.
She was so young, we were so young, Angelica and I needed a mother. I needed a mother. I needed someone to praise my hard work because dammit, I did it for her.
Despite her being dead, every action, every good act I tried to do, was for her, to make her proud of me. She wasn't here and yet she was present in everything I am.
She is everything I am.
The sobs controlled me, my legs were pulled in tight to my chest, I was barely rocking back and forth, nails digging into my skin, I needed to feel some control in this pain that was inflicted upon me, all internal, but the nails, that was me, that was external, that was my control.
I took care of my sister, I was the mother she never had. I was the mother I never had. If someone asked me what my mother looked like, I'd come up short, because yes, I carried her photo with me at all times, and yes, I studied that picture more than I had did for the SAT, but those were all impersonal. From my own memory, I couldn't recall my mothers face, her scent.
"Alice," he spoke softly, and approached me with apprehension, as if I was a wild dog that needed to be tamed, "I think it's time to go."
I turned my head, to his hand that was extended out to me. I ignored it, reiterating the question I posed last week, "When Eros."
I twisted one of the blue flowers in my hand, crumpling it, and letting the petals fall across the marble.
He sat next to me, twisting the rings that hid the name on his fingers. "I was fifteen," he admitted, in that same, cold, empty voice that I despised. If anything were to rouse feelings and emotions in Eros' voice, I had expected it to be this.
"And you?" A hand came to hold mine, and I held onto it for dear life.
"15 years ago, today."
"Oh Alice," he pulled me into his side and my head dropped onto his shoulder as I continued to cry, our fingers holding us together as beings. "I'm so sorry."
And finally, there was acceptance.
"Let's go," I told Eros, standing quickly and facing away from the stone, this was in a way, me turning my back on my mother. I walked without waiting for him, reaching the car before he even had the chance to unlock it.
He didn't question me, and I liked that about him, even as he came to the car and unlocked the door for me. He understood me, why I wouldn't want to talk about it, and I understood why I couldn't pry in his life now.
I was wrong to say the least- he wasn't respecting my privacy, he was awe-struck by the picture of the sky, slightly obscured by the trees that lines the road.
As I'd start to learn, Eros loved the sky, especially when it was dark and mysterious like this.
The sky had started to reflect how I was feeling, dark and cloudy, and dark and cloudy was just something I had the connotation with bad feelings, but for Eros, it was something extraordinary. He looked up to the sky with just as much glee as I saw on my sister's face on her tenth birthday when I successfully made her a cake and bought her a gift.
He saw this sky as something beyond beautiful, for him it was enthralling, it was all-encompassing, it was everything for him.
This moment, was everything for me. Eros was a complicated person, and I barely got to see him happy, but this- that freaking smile, I decided there and then I'd do anything to keep that gleeful grin on his face.
***
hello babies! i hope your evening (or morning, afternoon, twilight, whatever suits your life) has been wonderful and filled with happiness!
thank you for reading this story so far and going on this journey with alice, it truly means the world to me whenever someone votes or comments, and my happiness grows as the reads slowly rack up! you guys mean the absolute most to me, and i cherish you all so.
i'm digitally giving you all chocolate cake :)
hEY! if you can, tell me your favorite character so far heheh, mine is 100% ryder, i mean, who doesn't luv my little baby <3
all my love