Slippery commentary in a horribly awkward situation coming in!!!
"Oh, no!" Ian shouted, both hands on his face, making the best impression of Munch's "The Scream" or "Kevin at home alone" you could picture. "There is broken glass on the floor, nobody moves!"
You could here the fireman in charge right there.
"Get the dustpan and the bin!"
"Well, my dustpan is meant for the table an made from sterling silver," Danielle gasped, completely out of it. "Marry comes twice a week and nothing like that ever happens!"
Well, now it did.
"Such a coincidence!" Ian exclaimed, smiling wide. "Cedric told me about the lack of cleaning supplies in the house and we just had to get some for you!"
He tore into the heap of presents, all neatly labeled "Danielle" in Cedric's even handwriting, that took up a whole corner beside the Christmas tree.
He heard a snicker escape Cedric, too low to catch for anybody who wasn't aware that sound actually was a sign of mirth.
"Somewhere in here is the dustpan with hand broom, bristles made from rubber, binding the dust with static so the air isn't polluted while you clean!"
He handed a dustpan shaped parcel to Danielle who still stood frozen in place. It was Cedric's wrapping masterpiece, in Ian's eyes.
Danielle took the parcel out of reflex and stared at him as if he lost the last of his marbles.
Maybe he had.
But he had fun.
"And here is the bucket!"
Toxic green with a frilly bow on the handle. It had been the part of the present that had turned Danielle's smile waxy and ugly when they brought in their heavy load of presents.
"Dear, you have to open it to use the broom," Grandma Cunning's said in a kind voice. Ian guessed that the old lady killed her grand-daughter-in-law with never being hateful and thus never providing any target for personal attacks or a reason for animosities. Clever old witch.
Not knowing what else to do, everyone 'uuuh'ed and 'aaaah'ed about the also toxic green set of dustpan and broom.
Danielle looked like she wanted to strangle something while she prepared herself to squad down.
"Love, let me handle that," Brandon said, taking the cleaning set from her.
"Thank you, darling," Danielle said, but she didn't sound all that grateful with the poorly contained rage in her voice.
"And here is a hand-held vacuum cleaner for exactly that purpose. Cleaning of crumbs, shards and other local mishaps," Ian went on as if he was live on a telemarketing program. "Sucks extra strong and can be used on the table or below," he added with a wink.
From the corner of his eyes he saw Cedric shaking with silent laughter.
Some people scoffed, some snickered, some laughed and Max nearly keeled over, howling like a hyena.
"That certainly is a very handy feature, dear," Grandma Cunnings said dryly.
Forced to open the gift again in front of God and everyone, Danielle gave her best at pretending she wasn't livid by now.
Ian was sure that his aunt and uncle were having the time of their lives.
His dad seemed a bit oblivious to it all, but he never had been the brightest candle on the Christmas tree.
"Did you get her some of these fancy dusters where you can bend the top to a ninety degree angle? I love those. Now I can clean my book cases without getting out of my wheelchair," Grandma Cunnings asked.
"Oh, yes, we did. And we bought the ones recommended for allergy suffering people," Ian said proudly, searching for the right box.
"Cedric, honey, did we wrap them in green or red paper?"
There was a slight pause before Cedric burst out with, "red!" like it was the punchline to an epic joke.
Judging by Max reaction, it could have been.
"Oh, no!" Ian sighed when Danielle ripped the paper from a box of latex-free disposable gloves. "Not the duster. But the gloves are great! We didn't know if you could handle latex, so we bought these," he said with an earnest face.
Max hugged the door post at this point to keep from going to his knees.
Cedric was helplessly gasping for air between his signature more or less soundless bouts of mirth.
Grandma Cunnings had a knobbly hand over her mouth and shook just like her great-grandson.
Pastor Gilbert looked flustered and utterly uncomfortable, Lydia and Milly gasped for air like guppies on dry land, Greta and her friend let the front door of the house close with a bang and Ian saw his uncle whip tears of suppressed laughter from his cheeks.
In the middle of it all, Brandon did his best to get all the shards into the bucket with the big bow.
Ian was happy.
Great sex, they had supported a friend, and now they were writing history with one of the most awkward family gatherings in the history of family gatherings.
"Shall we see if the window cleaning rags from organic bamboo fibre are next?"
Max and Cedric cheering made his night. And month.
Actually, seeing them in such good spirits made his whole year.
He only missed Fuzzy at the moment.
The pup would have added to the chaos in the best way possible.
Of that, Ian was sure.
Hey there! Only three days till Christmas Eve and four till Christmas Day! Are you excited?
I am :-D
I hope that loosened the mood up a little!
Can't wait what will happen tomorrow! (Because I have no idea myself at this point :-D)
Cheers, and thank you for all your support in all forms imaginable!!!
Lulu