I take in a shaky breath. "Devon, I haven't told Alexa yet."
He nods in understanding. "It's your decision on how long to wait. Just remember though, if she were in your shoes you'd want to know."
I sigh and look up at the ceiling, avoiding eye contact. "I know. The problem is, I don't know how to bring it up. I can't really just call her up and drop a bomb like that, can I? But then I'd have to do it in person, and I'm not really in any condition for that either."
"I hate to break it to you, but you're probably going to get worse before you get better, and you'll want her here for you during that. You can't keep it from her forever anyway," Devon says.
I sigh. "I should just call her, shouldn't I?"
He nods in response, and I pull out my phone nervously. She hasn't been the only one on my mind, either. I hate how my last interaction with Ben ended up, and even though it's stupid, I already miss him. That's the problem with all of this. It'd be easier to just let people drift out of my life, but somewhere in the back of my head, I have a connection to them I can't just sever. My hands shake but I dial my sister and anxiously wait for her to answer.
It rings several times, building my anxiety. What if she doesn't even pick up? Then I'll have to go through this entire process again later.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Lex."
"Jay," Lex says in a relieved tone. "I feel like I haven't heard from you in forever."
"Yeah, it's been a while. Sorry about that. Look, we should talk. I've... got some things I need to tell you." I say in a resigned tone.
"Is everything alright?" She asks worriedly. "Is this about you and Ben? Because if you're worried about that, then as I've said before, I support you. Plus Ben seems like a really sweet and supportive guy, and I-"
I cut her off. "Lex."
"Sorry."
I sigh. "It's not about that. I... I know that Ben is really great." My mind wanders back to our earlier fight. I don't want to die and leave him behind. The truth is that I HAVE fallen for him, despite everything I've done that's pushed him away. This way will hurt less for him than us growing closer and this beating me, because then I'll just end up abandoning him.
"Ben's done more than you know. Lex, I...."
I struggle to pull in a deep breath, and Devon nods encouragingly from across the room. My voice finally comes out in a broken whisper. "Lex, I- I have cancer."
A wave of emotions washes over me as the possibility of continuing to deny it floats away. This is real, and this is how my life is going to be from now on. And there's nothing I can do to control that fate, except to continue pushing to survive.
Silence echoes on the other end of the line, and I bite my lip and look at the ceiling, trying not to cry.
"Oh, Jay..."
I ramble on. "I'm so sorry. I know I should've told you earlier, but I just- I thought I could keep pretending it wasn't true, that if I didn't believe it, it would- would go away, or that I wouldn't have to deal with it, but- but-"
She cuts me off. "Jay, you don't have to apologize. I know a lot of people have disappointed you, and that this isn't something easy to accept either. I knew you hadn't been feeling well, but this..." I imagine her shaking her head as she speaks. "I should be the one apologizing, for acting in a way that you felt you couldn't come to me sooner. Does- Does Ben know?" She asks.
"Yeah, he was with me when they told me. I didn't think it'd be this either." I sigh. "Lex, I messed up."
"What do you mean?" She asks.
"I... I told him to leave. He said some things that he probably didn't mean. We've both just been so frustrated and stressed from everything, and I know that none of this is helping him any and that he's got stuff of his own to deal with. It's better if I let him go than hurt him worse when I- when I leave for good. I just... know that I hurt him this way too..."
I take in a shaky breath. "And... I miss him."
"Don't worry, we'll figure things out. Look, I want to be there for you. Is there anything I can do for you right now?"
"I mean, hospital food kinda sucks."
"Jay, are you seriously mentioning NOW that you're in the hospital? You little bitch ass. I'll be there in 20 minutes." She hangs up the phone and I laugh.
Devon smiles. "See? The best things about Lex are her loyalty and her drive to help people. And her calling out does some good too." He says with a sly grin.
I smack him. "You're just saying that because she called ME out. If it was you she was targeting, you wouldn't be so quick to defend her."
"Ah, that's where you're wrong. She targets me just as much when you're not around."
I look at him in suspicion. "You like her, don't you?"
"What?" He says, startled.
"You like Alexa. In a, you want to date her kind of way."
"No... no I don't. She's your sister." He says, crossing his arms across his chest as if he's proving his point.
"Devon, you might be smart, but you're also an oblivious dumbass. I can see right through you, even if you don't recognize it yourself."
"Jay, don't be ridiculous. We've all been close for a long time. That doesn't mean I have romantic feelings for her," he says.
"Right. It's not weird that the two of you regularly go out to dinner together either. Or that I hear about everything you guys do together from the other one. At this point, you and Lex hang out more than I do with either of you." I point out.
"But that doesn't mean I'm in love with her."
A silence stretches across the air as I watch him work these details out in his brain.
"...shit. Am I in love with her?"
"You're a lovesick dumbass is what you are," I say.
"You're one to talk." He says, crossing his arms.
"Just because Ben and I are close doesn't mean he's in love with me," I say, though I can tell from Devon's face that he's caught on to how I haven't said anything about my own feelings.
"Man, you're so oblivious it hurts," Devon says, shaking his head.
I look up, and Ben is standing in the doorway.
For a moment, I have to stop and wonder whether it's him or if I'm hallucinating. As much as I want him to be there, I also know that I pushed him away. At this point, my feelings don't matter. He's gone because I lashed out when a small part of me recognized the truth in his words.
There's nothing that I can do about my sickness because it's not dependent on how strong I am mentally. My body will fight as much as it can, but that doesn't mean it will win. Ben is right. As much as the doctors and anyone else say I'm strong and will make it through, the decision isn't up to me. Instead, it's in the hands of the universe.
It's not my choice on whether I'm meant to survive, and as much as Ben wants it to be his decision, it's not his either. Maybe that's what terrifies us both. Maybe that's why I pushed him away. And maybe that's why he won't return, even if I seem to think that he's standing in the doorway.
Devon's P.O.V.
Jay's eyes have been glossed over for hours and I can't tell if it's because he's overthinking or if the disease or the meds are affecting him. Either way, I can tell he isn't completely in touch with reality based on his expression.
I watch his gaze travel to the door and turn to see Ben standing there. I knew that he'd come back at some point even if Jay refused to believe he would. The fact is, as much as Jay doesn't want to admit it, or at least out loud, they're in love. I can see it in their eyes, the small touches, and the words they say. Jay can try to push Ben away all he wants, but Ben will always come back because he's in love with him.
"Jay," Ben says from the door. Jay's eyes are honed in on him, but still glossed over.
"Can we talk?"
Jay lets out a brokenhearted laugh. "Yeah, not that it will make much difference."
Ben glances at me and I wave him in. He cautiously crosses the room and sits at Jay's bedside.
"Look, I shouldn't have said that. I went too far and it doesn't help you at all. Just because I'm frustrated with life sometimes doesn't mean I should let it affect other people. I'm sorry." He says, playing with his fingers.
Jay makes a noise that resembles a dog having its tail stepped on. "It'd be great if you were real." He says in a choked-up tone, then suddenly he's falling backward onto the hospital bed, out cold.
I rush forward to where Ben's already leaning forward over him frantically pushing the help button on the wall, then running out into the hall when it doesn't seem to be fast enough.
"Dave!" I hear him shout, then he comes running back in with a nurse.
"What happened?" Dave asks, checking Jay's vitals and the endless amount of wires he's hooked up to. Ben seems frozen now, gripping the bar of the hospital bed, knuckles white as he stares down at Jay. I answer for him.
"I don't know. He's seemed kind of out of it for a while. He was talking with Ben and then the next moment he passed out." I say.
Ben stands unmoving in place as Dave rushes around Jay, trying to pinpoint the problem.
A second nurse runs in, and I gently take Ben's arm to guide him to the door. "Let's go wait in the hall so we're not in the way," I say.
Ben remains stationary. "I don't want to leave him again." He says, gazing down at Jay's lifeless form.
"I know. But we'll be of more help if we're out of the way so they can do their jobs." I mention.
Ben reluctantly lets me bring him out to the hall, but I can tell the only thing on his mind is concern for Jay. He paces outside the door, pausing longer in front of the open doorframe every time he passes it.
"Ben."
He continues pacing.
"Ben," I say again, but my words don't process. He continues moving with a blank expression that makes him seem like a walking zombie.
I stand and hold out an arm to stop him in his tracks. "Ben," I say, making direct eye contact.
He stares at me, not saying a word.
"He'll be okay. Just let them do their job. Our job is to wait." I say, my hand resting gently on his shoulder in an attempt to provide comfort.
A voice from behind me says, "What happened?" in a frantic tone, and I turn to find Lex running up. She goes to run into the room and I have to grab her by the arm to stop her.
"Hey, hey, hey. Hold on. Stop for a second." Lex stops struggling and meets my eyes. "He'll be alright. Come sit down." I say, though my own heart is pounding in my chest.
I guide her over to a seat in the hall as Ben continues pacing back and forth in front of us.
"What happened?" Lex asks again, panicked.
"It's alright, he's just passed out. They're taking care of him." I say, trying to restrain my own fear from seeping through into my words.
"I was just talking to him twenty minutes ago. Now he's unconscious?" Lex says, throwing her hands in the air.
I put a hand on her knee. "Hey, it'll be okay."
The second nurse leaves the room, and Dave follows after, walking over to us as we wait anxiously.
Ben stops pacing, immediately freezing in his tracks and staring at Dave. "What happened? Is he okay?"