âKaylaâ
â This chapter touches on mature emotional themes as Kayla struggles with her mental health. and reference to suicide.
Long Chapter
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I couldn't sleep. My thoughts were racing a hundred miles an hour, leaving me feeling both stupid and guilty...mostly for how I treated Laurent. I just hoped my immature behavior hadn't upset him.
I didn't fully understand why I was acting like this. I knew I couldn't keep it up, but I needed time...time to process my emotions, to figure out what was going on inside me, and to push through this crushing loneliness.
The feeling hit as soon as I arrived here a few days ago. When I explained it to my therapist, Dr. Clark, she said it made sense; now that I was truly alone, without my siblings to lean on, my heart was sinking into solitude. She warned that this isolation could lead to depression.
Dr. Clark has been my therapist since I was 16, supporting me through the years, especially when my dad left. Now, I'm once again leaning on her guidance as I try to understand and navigate all this.
As I lay in bed, restless thoughts pulled me further from sleep.   The next day came too quickly. I dragged myself out of bed, the sheets clinging to my tired limbs as if they were trying to keep me locked in a dream I couldn't escape. My mind was still clouded, like the fog that lingered outside the window. I stood in front of the mirror for too long, staring at my reflection. Was this really me? Was I always this tired, this disconnected?
I didn't feel like eating, though my stomach growled faintly. Breakfast had become an afterthought. The thought of food, even something simple like toast, made me feel nauseous. I forced myself to get dressed, slipping into something that didn't require much thought. The jeans felt too tight around my waist, and the shirt seemed to cling to my skin in all the wrong places, but I didn't have the energy to care.
I grabbed my bag, feeling the weight of it as I slung it over my shoulder. Even something as simple as walking down the hallway felt like an enormous task. My feet were heavy, each step a reminder that my mind and body were no longer in sync.
The day went on, but I barely noticed. I went through the motionsâattending classes, sitting through meetings, answering questions that felt like they came from someone else. The conversations with others were muffled in my ears, my mind wandering back to the same questions: What had I done? Why had I treated Laurent like that?
When I sat down to lunch, I noticed my food untouched. I hadn't even realized I'd been staring at it for minutes, the fork hovering in the air without purpose. Every bite felt like an effort, and my appetite seemed as distant as my emotions. The loneliness I'd tried to push aside kept creeping back, whispering that this wasn't just about Laurent. This was bigger than that, and the more I tried to ignore it, the louder it became.
But I didn't have time to dwell. I couldn't afford to.
I was slowly eating my lunch, or at least trying to, when a notification popped up, catching my attention.
Laurent: Are you okay?
I froze, surprised. My head shot up, and I glanced around the café, searching frantically. When I finally spotted him, our eyes met briefly before I looked away, unable to hold his gaze. I couldn't face him right now, not after what I'd done.
I packed up my things and left the café, unable to keep eating. This entire situation was exhausting, both mentally and physically. I couldn't just sit there, pretending to be fine, knowing he was watching and that he could tell I wasn't okay.
Luckily, I didn't have any more lectures or work, so I was free to leave whenever I wanted. That gave me some time to relax before my therapy session with Dr. Clark. I wandered around campus for a while, hoping the fresh air might help clear my mind. But the guilt and anxiety weighed on me, and I could feel my appetite fading even more. By the time I got home, I felt drained, but there was a sense of relief knowing I'd soon have a space to talk things through.
Dr. Clark's office was quiet, the usual comfort of the warm light and the soft hum of the air conditioning pressing in around me. I shifted in my chair, looking at my hands instead of her face.
"How's it been going, Kayla?" she asked softly, her tone steady and familiar. I hesitated, unsure of how much I wanted to reveal.
"Things have been...a little hard," I managed, still avoiding her gaze.
"Hard in what way?" she encouraged, her words gentle. "What's weighing on you?"
I sat across from Dr. Clark, twisting my fingers together. I'd been quiet for a while, trying to find the right words. She didn't rush me, just waited, as she always did. I took a deep breath, my heart pounding.
"You can talk about anything here, Kayla. What's been going on?" she asked softly, the concern in her voice too much for me to ignore.
I didn't want to say it. I wanted to push the thoughts down, but they kept resurfacing. I stared at my hands, feeling the weight of the silence between us.
"Sometimes," I started, my voice barely above a whisper, "I feel like I'm... just so alone. Like... like it would be easier if I wasn't here anymore."
Dr. Clark didn't flinch, didn't look away. She stayed calm, and that made it worse. "It's okay to feel like this, Kayla," she said. "But we need to talk about what you're thinking and how we can help."
I hesitated, the words sticking in my throat. "I just... I feel like no one really understands me. I can't even make sense of my own feelings."
She leaned forward, her tone gentle but firm. "I know it's hard, and I know it feels like everything is too much. But you don't have to go through this alone. When those thoughts start to creep in, I want you to reach out to someone. Anyone you trust. Call them. Let them know what you're feeling."
My chest tightened at the thought of reaching out. I didn't want to burden anyone.
Dr. Clark gave me a reassuring look. "It's not about burdening them, Kayla. It's about having someone there for you when things get overwhelming. You're not weak for needing help. In fact, it's one of the strongest things you can do."
I nodded slowly, trying to take in her words. It felt like a lifeline, but I wasn't sure I could grab it. I didn't want to admit I couldn't handle this on my own.
"Promise me," Dr. Clark urged, "when those moments hit, you'll pick up the phone? Or go to someone who can help you through it?"
I hesitated for a moment, but finally nodded. "I promise."
Dr. Clark smiled at me, standing up and moving to sit beside me. She gently rubbed my back, offering exactly the comfort I needed in that moment. I felt so grateful that she'd relocated her office to New York; I couldn't imagine having this conversation over a screen. What I needed was someone who could be there physically and emotionally, and knowing she was here, really here, made it a little easier to open up.
A few days after my session with Dr. Clark, I decided to follow her advice and made plans with my cousin Stephanie. She also lived in New York, though about three hours away, so I offered to meet her there instead.
Stephanie suggested meeting at a café we used to visit often when I first moved here the "Blossom Brew". As I approached, I spotted her waiting outside. A pang of guilt hit me; I hated that she had to wait alone. But when she noticed me, her face lit up, and she jogged over, pulling me into a warm hug.
"Oh, hey, how are you doing?" I asked as we finally pulled back.
"I missed you so much! How are you?" she replied, smiling as brightly as ever.
"I missed you too," I said with a wide smile. "Let's head inside."
We went in, and a server led us to a table. We ordered right away, eager to catch up.
"I'm sorry we couldn't be at your mom's funeral. Honestly, we didn't know until a few days ago when Dad called Mom. When we tried to reach Henry, he said you'd already left," she said, her voice laced with regret.
"Hey, don't apologize. We should've been the ones to let you know, but it was all so sudden. None of us knew how to handle it," I replied, my voice wavering.
Stephanie's expression softened with sympathy. She reached across the table, taking my hand. "How are you holding up?"
I took a deep breath, trying to keep the tears at bay. "I'm... managing. It's hard, though. She's gone so suddenly. I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye."
"Oh, Kayla..." She got up and hugged me again. Though she was smaller, her embrace felt so comforting.
When our food arrived, we started eating, falling into lighter conversation about new happenings and memories we shared.
"So, how are your studies going?" I asked. Stephanie was in her last year of college, finishing up an MBA, so I knew she had a lot on her plate.
Stephanie sighed, "It's going okay, I guess. But I'll manage. I just hope this year will be a little easier on me."
I smiled sympathetically and squeezed her hand. "I know you will. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, Steph. And hey, if it ever gets too much, you know I'm just a call away."
"Thanks, but I think it's time I accomplish something on my own," she said with a determined smile.
I grinned, seeing that proud look in her eyes. "That's amazing, Steph. You deserve to feel that accomplishment."
She leaned in, her expression thoughtful. "Speaking of accomplishing things, I was thinking about searching for a job...something that pays more than the diner gig I've been doing."
I nodded encouragingly. "That sounds like a good move. You'd be great at something that challenges you more. What kind of job are you thinking about?".
"Not sure yet," she replied, tapping her fingers thoughtfully. "I want something that challenges me, but I also need flexible hours, so I can still keep up with my studies."
I nodded, taking a sip of my coffee. "You're smart to think about balance. Maybe something in an office or even tutoring? It'd pay better, and you'd have a steadier schedule."
Her eyes brightened. "That's actually a good idea! And I could build some experience for my resume too."
"Exactly! Plus, you'll still have time to breathe," I said with a smile.
I was genuinely impressed by how mature she'd become, despite all she'd been through. Her parents divorced when she was only eight, and not long after, her father remarried, bringing an Evil stepmother into her life. I could see she was still working on her anxiety...she'd looked so tense waiting outside earlier.
"Oh my gosh, I can't believe I forgot to ask! How are Lara and Haze doing? And Aunt Millie?" I asked. Haze and Lara were Stephanie's older siblings, and Aunt Millie was my father's younger sister...Stephanie's mother.
Stephanie's face softened as she replied, "They're all doing well. Haze just got promoted, and Lara's been busy with her new art projects...she's even thinking about a solo exhibit! And Mom...you know her, always involved in her community events. They all miss you."
I smiled, feeling comforted by her words, but the weight of my own emotions still hung heavy. As I stood to head to the bathroom, I was grateful for the distraction of the moment.
Just as I got up to head to the bathroom, Stephanie was caught off guard by a waiter placing an extra drink in front of her. She looked at him, puzzled, but he simply said, "From someone who wanted to brighten your day." She smiled, glancing around but unable to tell who'd sent it.
When I returned, she grinned, showing me the drink. "Apparently, I have a secret admirer." Just then, the waiter approached again, letting us know that our bill had been covered by the same mystery person. We exchanged surprised looks before shrugging it off with a laugh, deciding to enjoy the small, unexpected kindness.
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AN: Hello lovely readers,
I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
I wrote a longer chapter this time because I'm ready to take the story to the next level. The upcoming chapter will focus on Kayla and Laurent's relationship.
Don't forget to vote and comment, I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Also, the part where Stephanie gets a drink from a secret admirer will play a role in her own story!my next book, Stay tuned to find out more.
Follow me on Instagram for more: @eliseariel_writes17
Until next time!