Chapter 13: Doppelbanger: Chapter 13

“WELL, IF IT ain’t Miss Pissypants herself,” Coop says, grabbing Kyle’s luggage from my hands and kissing my cheek.

“You told him!” I accuse, glaring at my best friend over his shoulder.

“She tells me everything.” His face crinkles up, and he shrugs his shoulders.

“Not ,” Spence counters, walking up with her arms open wide for her little demon spawn. “My babies! I missed you so much. Did you have fun? Did Gina behave?”

“Um, aren’t you supposed to ask me if they behaved?”

“One would think,” Mrs. Elaine chimes, entering the room with one of the girls in her arms.

“Now don’t you start in on me too, old woman,” I warn my best friend’s mom, who is more of a mother to me than my own, as I walk over and kiss her cheek. Then I snatch the pretty little bundle from her arms. “Which one is this?” I ask, kissing her little forehead. My Lord, she smells good enough to eat. My insides turn all warm and gooey.

“Stop sniffing her,” Coop’s mom Nelly orders. “You might’ve picked up some germs on that ship.”

“Damn, you’re here too? What is this? A party? Is there booze?” I ask, trying to rile Cooper’s mother. “I could go for a margarita!”

“No drunk baby holding.” Nelly walks over and tries to pry my goddaughter from my arms, but I spin around like a ninja because I’ll be damned if she’s gonna stop me from finally getting the chance to love up on these babies.

“You sound like Jeffrey. I wasn’t going to drink anything. Let me get my baby fix.” I walk away from the baby hog, hiding behind Spencer for protection.

“That’s Abigail,” my bestie says. “We’ve been dressing her in pink and Emmaline in yellow, ’til everyone can tell them apart.”

“That’s really smart.”

She nods. “Oh, and don’t think I didn’t catch that Jeffrey comment. Just fucking, my ass.”

“Wait!” Coop says, rising from where he’s crouched on the floor with Savage. “Is that…Can we? I hadn’t even thought of the back door.”

Spencer’s head whips around. “And you can just unthink it right now, mister.”

“Hasn’t anyone ever told you that marriage is about sacrifice?”

“It’s really not that bad, Spence,” I encourage, not even trying to hide my laughter. “You’ll only bleed the first few times.”

“Y’all need Jesus,” Nelly says, ushering the boys out of the room and away from our entirely inappropriate conversation. I hear her muttering about what a bad influence I am, and how these children would likely be better off raised by wolves than the lot of us. But I don’t think we’re doing so bad. They’re the coolest little assholes I know.

“Yeah, I’m bleeding enough, thankyouverymuch,” my best friend says, heading for the living room.

“How’re your diaper changing skills now, Daddy-oh?” I ask Cooper as we trail behind Spencer to the living room. “You a pro yet?”

“Well, I haven’t sprayed either of them down with the hose, so that’s progress, right?”

A few years ago, he decided to break Savage out of daycare, and during his foray into babysitting, he experienced his first shit explosion diaper. It ended with the bed of his truck covered in poop, and Kyle soaked head to toe.

“Baby steps.”

“I’ve only puked twice,” he adds, all proud of himself.

§

“And there was this dolphin that had a snake swimming out of its butt. It almost ate Willow’s daddy!” Kyle gushes between bites of spaghetti.

“It wasn’t a snake,” Lake clarifies to all of the stupefied faces around the table. “It was his penis, and he was trying to mount Mr. Jeffrey.”

Mrs. Elaine crosses herself, mumbling a string of curses beneath her breath. The sign of the cross and a string of profanities… that about sums this woman up perfectly, God love her.

“Nuh-unh,” Kyle argues, slamming his little fist down on the table. “Willow said it was a snake, right, Auntie?” His little puppy dog eyes look to me for confirmation. Heat floods my cheeks as I debate the safest way to answer this.

“That is exactly what Willow said.”