Everything would have been simpler if I actually died.
It was a destructive thought, but it was one that thrashed inside Miren's brain. Constantly. She thought about it so much that it was beginning to interfere with her studies. Her marks were still nothing short of perfect, but studyingâsomething that usually came naturally to her, something that even eased herâhad now become a chore to her disgruntled imagination.
She wrote her new name on her completed homework before sighing at how normal the act was beginning to feel.
It was like she no longer existed.
Her hand instinctively went to her neck. But there was no chain. Then her mind was at it again, trying to consider the ridiculously coincidental odds that her mother's necklace was found in the same building the body was. It was as simple as a homeless person finding the broken band on the bus or on the street. Then that same homeless person burning to deathâher burning to death.
Miren sucked in a breath, refusing to think of the next thing that naturally came to mind: Penelope. The girl that was responsible for all of this. So she turned up the music in her headphones, blocking out her thoughts.
"Fall Out Boy, huh?" Miren's head snapped up as Axel plopped down next to her. He pulled off her headphones. She wanted to say his presence annoyed her, but this was the library. And he wasn't Jeno.
"You struck me as one of those classical music listeners," he said, reading her music playlist. Miren frowned at the senior.
"You struck me as one of those non-studiers." She brought out her AP Calc book. "I have a test this week. Can we chat later?"
"Well, I was just finishing a tutoring session with one of the lovely ladies of Rosemunde," the boy began, smirking, "and I saw you and wanted to check up."
She pressed her lips her lips together. His words were practically synonymous with "I wanted to give you the deets on my latest virgin conquest".
"Have you been eating?" She had never heard Axel sound serious, but even his hazel eyes narrowed against hers. She wove her hand.
"Get to the point."
"You know, irritation is a symptom of hunger."
"Thank-you for your diagnosis, Dr. Windsor."
"Come on, I'm busting you out of here," he announced, rising to his feet. "You're the only one who's here."
Miren blinked as she looked around, realizing that everything around her sphere of soundproof solitude was in fact vacant. It wasn't even up to seven. A small sigh escaped her lips. She could have been in her room, but that would risk having Jeno ask her if she were okay, or look at her like he both longed for her and was displeased by her. And it wasn't that she didn't care that he cared, butâ
She shook her head; she honestly just didn't know anymore.
Miren looked up him innocently. "Only if you have weed."
Axel scoffed, but he looked impressed. "Unfortunately, I just sold my last batch. Have to pay for college somehow, right?" He laughed as they crossed through some bookshelves through the main space of the elaborate building. "The rents won't pay for me to major in music. Even if it were at Julliard."
"That's unfortunate," Miren replied plainly as they walked outside. The November evening air was brisk, but she relished in it. She heard some echoes of laughter in the distance and tried to relax. This was home. This was what she wanted.
Right?
As they made it to the mess hall, she felt Axel pat her shoulder. "I can tell you're dealing with something you don't want to talk about," he began, brushing a hand through his hair. "But I'm sure it'll blow over. Drugs aren't the answer." The serious look was back. "Not for you."
"Thanks for the public service announcement." Although her response was laced with sarcasm, she was grateful for his presence as they stepped into the cafeteria building. She had never had this beforeâsomeone genuinely caring. So many people genuinely cared for her here.
So why am I mad at Jeno for encouraging me to stay? She shook her head as they crossed the dim hallway when the realization dawned on her. It was because of what Axel had just said; this wouldn't blow over.
Not even if she were dead.
"I brought a victim," Axel announced and he took a seat at the table with one of the boys. "Now give me my extra credit, Dr. Sheng."
The middle-aged Asian man rolled his eyes at the boy. "That's not how multi-cultural club works," was his reply as he turned to Miren. "Ah, you're one of the newer students. Pleasure to meet you."
She smiled, even if it was forced. "The same." Never mind what she said earlier about people actually caring about her. "I should have known Axel would have used me as a ploy for extra credit."
"Hey, at least you're getting a free meal out of this." Axel motioned to the boys cooking various international rice dishes with the French teacher. "Like I said, you look sick."
"Here, try some Darjeeling oolong tea." Miren turned to Levi, accepting the cup of milk tea from him. The student administration vice president's brown eyes lit up. "Welcome to multi-cultural club. Have you considered joining? Because you're like the only other non-white person who goes here."
"I heard that," Wallace replied from the table. The biracial boy joined them, before matching Miren's frown. "Why the glum look?"
It was nice to count on Wallace to mock her. She shrugged. "Sometimes I remember how awesome my life is and I get depressed that more people can't have what I have."
Levi laughed, motioning to the buffet table. "You're half-African, right? We have jollof rice..."
Miren wrinkled her nose. Her Nigerian roots were stunted when her dad left, but that was another story for another day. "I'm not hungry. I just showed up to humor Axel. I'm leaving now."
"Well, as a senior mentor, I have to demand that you stay and eat something." He handed her a plate. "Otherwise, I'll have to report you to the principal."
"Why don't you check on the idli?" Wallace told Levi. But his eyes didn't leave Miren's. "I think I added too much sambar."
Levi's eyes widened slightly before moving toward the kitchen. "Jesus Christ, Wal. You had one job."
"You've lost weight," Wallace continued as he examined the damsel in drag. "I know that none of this is ideal, but it shouldn't stop you from being happy here."
"Why is that?" Her gaze fell against the students eating cheerfully, and Dr. Zheng going about a recent trip to Nepal. It would have been so easy to indulge in their positive energy, to have fun. But somehow it felt wrong. "Besides, the thinner I get, the less gauze I have to use."
Wallace's face spoiled. "You're sounding like Chara. Remind me why you've been ignoring her texts?"
She folded her arms. "What exactly am I supposed to say to herâto any of you guys? That I'm sorry my dumb little charade blew up in tragically epic proportions? Now everything I do makes me feel guilty?"
"What do you have to feel guilty about?" His voice was hushed, and she wanted to pretend that she couldn't hear his question over the Bollywood tune playing over them. But what he asked was precisely the problemâshe was as guilty as she wasn't.
She slumped her shoulders, feeling tears she couldn't afford to cry swell in her eyes. "I can't even look at your brother in class. Artemis hates herself so much that she's probably falling behind in school, being miserable when there is no reason to." She sighed. "And then I dragged all of you guys into it."
"When are you going to realize that you can't control everything?" he replied. "Parker and Artemis made their decisions. They could have helped you before the situation got this far. But they didn't. So are you going to be miserable just because they're sad? We're a bunch of rich kids in prep school. You can't kill yourself just because something didn't work out in their favorânot with everything you've gone through.
"I read your file you, know," Wallace continued. Miren would have felt mortified, but there was a certain passiveness in his expression, like he wasn't judging her. "Your life wasn't a cake-walk. And I can tell you're actually happy here. Don't overthink it and just allow yourself to enjoy something for once."
"Easier said than done." In all fairness, she was tryingâshe really was. But she was a logical person. Logical people made plans with an endgame in sight. And she couldn't see how this could all end well. She inhaled. Exhaled. Everything still seemed impossible with the additional oxygen flow, but she knew he had a point. And she was getting a little sick of sulking. "But you're right."
"I'm always right." He took a sip from his cup. "So why don't you make up with Jeno so we can start drafting a new plan?"
Miren's eyes retreated to the window. The life of the room reflect off of it. She almost forgot they were at a club meeting. "I don't want to," she said flatly.
The boy raised an eyebrow. "You don't want to talk to Jeno or draft a plan?"
She pursed her lips. "Both-ish?"
"Jeno's not one to complain about things, but I can see how you two have been acting. Something else happened. Was he mad that you wanted to leave even before the death thing?"
Miren rolled her eyes. The death thing. How the hell was he being so casual about all of this? With a few sideways glances to make sure they were out of earshot, she sighed. "Jeno and I almost kissed."
A dumb smile spread across Wallace's lips. "What?"
"You can't tell Chara," she said, feeling her cheeks warm up with humiliation. Or in astonishment from that moment. She shook her head.
"No wonder its been weird." He was still smirking like an idiot, like joy could be found at her expense. She elbowed him in the gut, but the smirk remained. "I'm guessing this happened when I walked in to let you in on the grandeur news."
"Yeah." She closed her eyes. It was fun to convince herself that if the death thing hadn't happened that she would have been happier. Or at least less conflicted. But she didn't know how she felt about Jeno, or if her feelings were strong enough to let go of what she'd probably never have with Parker. And her stupid teen-girl brain didn't want to let go of anything, especially him.
"I don't know if it was wise for him to make a move so fast," Wallace considered, somehow aware that Jeno had shared his feelings first. "But he is right about staying put. What happened is a both a blessing and a curse," he reasoned. "Think of before as a test run. A tutorial. Now this is the real deal. You have the element of surpriseâthe license to basically do anything. And if I were you, I wouldn't give it up so easily." He started for the buffet area. "But ultimately it's your choice." Miren nodded as she followed.
My choice?
She had always known this. But her track record with decisions was pathetic. So she pushed away her verdict for now. Not knowing that one would be made whether or not she consented.