Chapter 22: CHAPTER 21

This is the end

Hold your breath and count to ten

Feel the Earth move and then

Hear my heart burst again

- Skyfall, Adele

Quinn received Pasta's cremains a few hours later in a small urn made of dark wood. There was a silver dog tag glued to the front that simply read 'Pasta'. She cleared some space for it on one of the shelves in her room and decorated the little shrine with pictures of the small dog and his favorite toys.

Quinn also got a little better over time. On the day of Pasta's death, she did not leave her room and let nobody in. Her mother put some food and something to drink on the floor in front of her door but Quinn did not eat much. Wednesday, she appeared at the dining table for breakfast, pale and silent the whole time but present. She went out into the mountains alone that day and when she came back her eyes were red-rimmed but she seemed to be more at peace with herself. On Thursday, they had a quiet day alone at home and watched movies on Ellie's laptop in her room.

In addition to grieving Pasta, both girls also knew that the departure of Ellie and her family grew closer and closer. They were to leave on Saturday morning to catch their flight at the nearest airport and therefore, Friday was the last day the girls had to themselves.

Janet was working that day but the other three adults stayed home to pack their bags. Ellie had thrown most of the stuff she would not need anymore into her suitcase before breakfast already and the room was looking oddly empty now. In her three months of living in Frostfields, her personal belongings had found their way to most of the surfaces: her laptop on the desk, books in the bookshelf, clothes in the closet and a few cosmetics on the nightstand.

Now that the room was bare and clean once again, it did not feel like her room anymore. It had never been hers to begin with but the three months (especially the last two) had made it feel like a sort of home.

It was weird to think that tomorrow morning, she would leave this place, possibly forever.

In order not to see the empty room, Quinn and Ellie spent the majority of the day outside. They went skiing together one last time — this time not in the deep snow — and then took a long walk around town. They also visited both Jodie and Mister Saunders one last time so that Ellie could say goodbye to them. At the café, they got free cupcakes to take home with them which they ate on their way back.

And then the last evening in Frostfields came.

Neither of the adults wanted to cook so they ordered dinner from the restaurant and ate Sushi and roasted duck and chicken in the living room, talking about their time together. It was mostly their parents who talked, though. Ellie and Quinn went up to Quinn's room with their desert after dinner, put on a movie to drown out the noises of their conversation and sat on the bed to talk. Neither of them wanted to mention how they would not see each other for a long time after tonight.

It was sort of bittersweet. Sweet, because they now knew each other better than ever and enjoyed each other's company. Being together felt good and talking about all kinds of topics came naturally to them. But that also made it bitter since starting from tomorrow, they would not be able to do any of this anymore. Sure, they could text and talk on the phone but it would not be the same. And the physical aspects of their relationship would also not be possible anymore. Ellie hoped that this would not put a damper on their relationship, but she was well aware of the fact that once she was back home, her time at college would probably impact how frequently they would be able to talk. Not to mention that Quinn also had her own life here. She would be busy with work and spending time with her friends.

"You know what?" Quinn asked after a short sequence of silence, "We could carry your mattress over to my room and have a sleep over."

"Oh, that's a good idea!" Ellie agreed.

"Let's go do it!" Quinn was up in an instant and strut over to Ellie's room, "Mom's going to wash everything tomorrow anyway so it doesn't matter if we make a mess."

Together, they hauled the mattress from the bed and then carried it over to Quinn's room where it was placed on the floor in front of her bed. Ellie went back to get her blanket and pillows and let her gaze wander around the room another time. The desk and window where she had spent so many hours. The bed where she had sat with Quinn, talking about all kinds of things. In just a few hours, she would never be here again. The nightstand caught her eye. There were still a few things on top of it, a book and some cosmetic items she would need in the morning, as well as the little red clay dog. She had not packaged him yet because she was afraid he might break if she put him in her bag carelessly. Maybe she could... Ellie bit her lip while she thought about the idea that had just come into her head. Was it even a good idea?

Before she could overthink it, she snatched the dog from the nightstand and brought him over to Quinn's room. After letting her blankets fall onto the mattress, she held out the dog to Quinn.

"I, um... I would like for you to have this," she said. Quinn took the dog, looking a little confused.

"I got him from Mister Saunders back in January," Ellie explained, "it was a gift because he's missing his ear. He said that the dog deserves a loving forever-home and well... I think he already found it right here with you. As — you know — a little something to remember me by."

"Aww," Quinn looked at the little figurine while tearing up a little, "that's really cute."

She caressed the small clay dog, then stood up from the bed and gingerly placed him next to Pasta's urn.

"Thank you," she slowly walked over to Ellie and hugged her before pressing their lips together. They held onto each other tightly while their lips moved together. Ellie inhaled Quinn's scent and the feeling of her tender hands on her waist and cheek. Neither of them wanted to let go and so they tumbled towards the bed and laid down together, bodies pressed close. Even after their kiss ended they did not speak, only looked into each other's eyes.

"I don't want you to leave," Quinn finally said quietly.

"Me neither," Ellie agreed, "but I gotta. College life is waiting for me."

She tried to lighten up the mood but Quinn did not react to her subtle humor.

"I know," she only said, "it's just... it feels like in the past days, my life completely broke into pieces. You're the only bit of normality I have left. You're all that's keeping me from breaking down."

"No, I'm not," Ellie gently cupped Quinn's cheek and locked eyes with her, "Quinn, you're the strongest person I know. You're such a resilient, strong willed, beautiful girl — inside and out. You will be fine without me here, I know that."

"Thank you," Quinn smiled.

"And... I know the past week was a very hard one for you," Ellie carefully continued, "and I won't lie to you. Time doesn't heal all wounds, it doesn't do shit. You just get used to the pain. But you also get stronger. Whatever happens, at the end you will come out of it unscathed and stronger than before. Life can be unfair but it can also be absolutely beautiful. And those good times are worth the wait."

Quinn nodded and put her hand on top of Ellie's.

"I can see why you want to study English Literature," she said after a little while, "you're really good at pep talks."

"Thank you," Ellie chuckled, "you know, I'm kind of excited to try college for a second time, since my first time did not go well at all."

"I'm sure you'll love it this time," Quinn said.

They were quiet for a few moments until she spoke up again:

"Do you think that — under different circumstances — we could've worked out?"

"What do you mean?" Ellie replied, "I think we've worked out pretty great."

"I know, but..." Quinn sighed, "it could have been a lot more easier if the circumstances had been different. We could have saved ourselves a lot of unnecessary pain."

Ellie was well aware she was alluding to their first month together, when they still hated each other.

"Probably," she shrugged, "but it wouldn't have been the same. And we had a really great time together, don't you think?"

"Yes, that's true."

"Maybe I can visit you again in summer when my first semester of college is over," Ellie suggested, "are the summers nice here? We could go hiking or something."

"Summer here is great," Quinn said, "but... I won't be here anymore."

"I'm sorry, I forgot that for a second. Do you already know where you want to go?"

"Not really," Quinn admitted, "I'll just see where life takes me. I thought about exploring the US a little first and then see if I want to go to a different continent. So maybe I could be the one to visit you."

"Awesome idea," Ellie smiled at the thought, "I can show you Jacksonville and introduce you to my friends. I've got one that's cis and straight, the rest are all queer."

"That would be nice," a shy smile appeared on Quinn's face, "maybe we could go to a pride parade together, I've never been to one."

"Of course!" Ellie nodded but then lowered her voice, "Will you tell your parents?"

"Come out to them, you mean?"

"Yes."

"I guess so," said Quinn, "I thought I could do it on my last day here. If they'll react badly, I'll be gone the next morning. And then I don't have to see them ever again."

She said it lightly but Ellie's heart ached at the thought. She did have her problems with her own parents but she could not imagine cutting them off completely and breaking off any contact. It had to be incredibly painful for Quinn to think of that possibility. But if it really came to a situation where she had to make sure she was safe from her parents, it would probably be the best decision. It was a horrible one, one that no child should ever have to make nor be blamed to make.

"Dash texted me earlier this day," Quinn said after a little silence, playing with a strand of Ellie's hair, "he heard about Pasta and sent me his condolences. And then he invited me over to hang out for tomorrow. You know, after you leave."

"Are you going?" Ellie asked. There was no whatsoever negative implication in her voice, just curiosity.

"I don't know yet," Quinn replied, "I told him I'd let him know tomorrow if I'm up for it. He said that that was okay."

"He's a good guy."

"He really is. I hope we can fix our friendship. He's got such a big heart and always puts others first. He must still be really sad and mad at me but he still took the time to check in with me."

"I think his message shows that he still cares for you," Ellie said, "if you're honest with each other from now on, I think there's hope for your friendship. And maybe a little space will also be beneficial."

"Probably," Quinn agreed. Silence settled in.

It was comfortable, just lying side by side, eyes darting over each other's faces. Ellie tried to take in all of Quinn to remember her just as she was. Her big green eyes, framed by long blonde lashes. In the low light, they cast small shadows on her cheeks. Up close, Ellie could see the few little freckles on Quinn's cheeks and nose. The tip of her nose moved whenever she talked. Her pink lips looked a little swollen from their kiss and her lip darted out from between them to wet them.

Her smell, perfume and her own body, her soft skin against Ellie's. Her hands, longer fingers than Ellie's and gentle touches. Her silky blonde hair that fell into her face and tickled both of them. If Ellie's departure would not be looming over them this very second, this would be a perfect moment.

Finally, Ellie pulled Quinn into a soft kiss. She cherished every moment of it. Quinn's lips were a little chapped but still so soft, just like the skin of her face. Her hot mouth was like Ellie's personal heaven. When they pulled away reluctantly, Quinn looked like she was trying not to cry.

"So, this is the end, huh?" She asked in a choked voice, "Tomorrow, you'll get into that car and be gone, just like that?"

"I guess," Ellie could not hold her tears back anymore either and quickly wiped them away. However, Quinn had seen it and reached out to cup Ellie's face.

"I really don't want to leave," Ellie said quietly, "I don't want to leave you."

"I'll be fine, just like you said," Quinn smiled, "we'll both be."

Ellie nodded.

"We had a really good time together," she said, "I'm just sad this has to come to an end."

"Me too."

Quinn took a deep breath.

"You know that we won't be able to properly say goodbye with my parents watching us tomorrow morning?"

"Yeah... this is our goodbye, then."

"I think so."

Quinn pulled Ellie closer by her face and kissed her again. They were both silently crying now, their tears mixed into the kiss and made it taste salty and wet. Quinn did not move her hands from Ellie's cheeks and kept wiping the tears away as they came, all the while she was shaking from silent sobs in Ellie's arms. Their gentle kiss turned desperate and they clung to each other as they shared the mattress.

"You mean a lot to me, you know that?" Quinn whispered into Ellie's mouth and sniffled quietly.

Ellie hesitated for second but then she just went for it:

"Fuck, I love you."

Quinn made a weird sound that was between a sob and a laugh and clutched Ellie's face in her hands, her forehead pressed to Ellie's. Her skin was hot and Ellie could feel Quinn's tears coat her cheeks.

"I love you, too," she replied in a whisper, "and I wish you could stay."

"We'll see each other again," Ellie said in an attempt to make this situation better. But she knew that it would not be enough. It would not be the same. The uncertainty was nagging at her. When would she see Quinn again? What if she moved on until then? Ellie did not think she would be able to do that but what if Quinn met someone?

"I-i..." Quinn suddenly stuttered, then stopped herself.

"Hm?"

"Have you ever been long-distance?"

"Not really," Ellie confessed, "my ex and I kind of broke up because we didn't want to try."

"Oh."

"But there's a first for everything, isn't there?"

Quinn smiled shyly at Ellie.

"So you'd like to try?" She asked.

"I do," Ellie confirmed, "it's probably going to be tough sometimes, though."

"What did you say earlier? 'The good times in life are worth the wait'? I think we can make it work."

Ellie nodded and smiled at Quinn, her now girlfriend.

They stayed up quite late that night. After their parents went to bed, they just kept talking and sneaking kisses. Now that Ellie could place her finger on what exactly they were — girlfriends, that was — she also felt less anxious about leaving. Not being able to be physically close would be difficult for sure, not just for sex but also little gestures like holding hands or hugs from behind. At the same time, it would maybe help them to grow closer: if they were not able to rely on shared activities or physical intimacy, all their time had to be used getting to know each other better and talking. After all, communication was what most relationships lacked and now they had all the time in the world for it.

All the time in the world except for tonight. This night was for kisses and cuddles. They shared Quinn's bed for the whole night, tangled together with their arms and legs intertwined and heads pressed close together.

Scared of their parents finding them like this, Quinn set her alarm for ten minutes earlier than that of the adults. When it rang in the morning, Ellie slid down to her own, unused mattress and dozed off for the last few minutes until there was a knock on the door. Philip came into the room and opened the curtains to 'wake up' the girls. Breakfast was already on the table when they came downstairs and Ellie and Quinn ate in comfortable silence while their parents huddled around the house, collecting the last few belongings they had missed the previous day and loading their suitcases into the car.

Ellie's bags had grown considerably heavier due to all the books she bought. She was excited to take them to her new dorm with her and put them on her new shelves to read them again sometime.

After breakfast, the two girls got ready in Quinn's bathroom. They locked the door and made out one last time. Quinn also persuaded Ellie to take a few pictures together before they finally went downstairs.

"So, this is it!" Ellie's dad put down his last bag and looked around the living room, "I sure hope we didn't forget anything."

"If you did, we'll just send a package after you," Janet assured him, "it could take a while but it'll arrive at some point."

"Then it better not be anything important," Helen ran a hand through her curls and then looked over to where Ellie was standing next to Quinn, "ready to go, sweetie?"

Ellie nodded, even though her mind was screaming 'NO'. She subtly nudged Quinn's hand, then slowly walked to the entrance area to put on her boots and coat.

"It was a pleasure to have you visit us," Philip grinned at the family, "maybe we can come to you next time."

"I already wrote a book on our flora and fauna with a few colleagues," Dan chuckled, "but you could visit just for fun, of course."

While they exchanged their good-byes, Ellie already left the house and walked around the side to where the car was parked in front of the garage. Janet would drive them to the airport but Philip and Quinn would stay back. Quinn met her outside the garage, she had come through the basement. Hidden behind the car, they shared one quick, last kiss. Then the snow around the corner crunched under the feet of four adults and they quickly separated.

When their parents came around the corner, Ellie went to say goodbye to Philip. The taller man hugged her briefly.

"Have a nice trip!" He wished her.

"Thank you," Ellie smiled, "it was really nice out here."

"That's good to hear," he replied, "I think you ought to come back next winter and go skiing with Quinn again. Seems like you two got along quite well after all."

"We did," Ellie agreed as innocently as possible, "maybe she can teach me how to ski better next year."

She knew there would not be a next year, at least not here.

After Ellie's own parents were done saying their goodbyes to Quinn, it was Ellie's turn to do it — publicly, at least. The two girls hugged and Quinn wished them a safe trip home as well. Her voice sounded a little hollow and her eyes were sad but her mouth smiled. It was weird not kissing her now, only hugging and Ellie wanted nothing more than to take Quinn with her just so they could stay together for longer.

"I'll text you," she said, which was both the truth and something she could say in front of the adults without problems.

Then it was time to go. Ellie climbed into the backseat and fastened her seatbelt. Quinn closed the door behind her. Ellie did not dare to lower the window as to not raise any suspicion about how hard this departure was on her. Janet got into the driver's seat and when all four of them were seated, she started the engine. The SUV slowly rolled down the driveway.

Ellie looked out the window until she could not see Quinn anymore, then she watched as they left Frostfields behind.

There were two figures on the side of the road walking a dog, one adult and a young child. For them, life would go on as normal. For them, it had not even changed one bit. For Ellie, everything was different.

She had had the worst and yet best three months of her life. She had come with nothing but low expectations and left with a girlfriend she had to leave behind. Ellie felt her phone buzz in her pocket and pulled it out to look at the message she had just received.

Miss you already. xx