Not my dumb self accepting too many drawing orders for Christmas and having no time or energy to update for 7 weeks but anyways I'm back- again. Can I just say you guys are the bee's knees, the milk to my tea, the socks for my cold feet, loud laughter after my jokes . . . and some of the most supportive fans ever like damn, you're so patient and I love you all so much!
Also, if you're 14+ please join my Discord server for the latest updates on chapters! (there's a link in my bio) I hope everyone has a safe and fun New Years!
- Sian
Sage sat up and straightened out his jumper. He wanted to sink into on the bench and stare up at the leaves until his neck hurt, but he didn't dare slouch in his mother's presence. She glided across the field as if the wind carried her. Sage linked his fidgeting hands when she got close enough to say her greetings.
"Hi," Sage muttered, still frustrated, but not enough to be impolite.
The Queen sat next to him, settling herself onto the bench with a content sigh. "It still looks grand even from a distance," she said, staring at the Palace.
"Especially at a distance," Sage grumbled. The Palace was so huge, you could barely take in even a fraction of its beauty up close.
His mother's eyes then turned to face him. He felt her glare as if the sun had parted through the clouds and shone hotly onto his dark skin. His mother didn't say anything for a long while, and Sage felt more and more exposed in her presence.
"You didn't mean what you said at breakfast, did you?" she finally asked in a voice as soft as the swaying of the leaves above them.
Sage wanted to make her feel better by saying no, he didn't mean it. But he couldn't lie, so he shrugged and tightly linked his fingers to stop him from pulling out the threads in his jumper. He didn't have to look at his mother to know she had pursed her lips, always hating silent replies.
"Talk to me." The Queen touched his shoulder. "What's going on?"
"You know what's going on," Sage replied bluntly. "You know I have a hard time being out in the public. You know the whole country scrutinises everything I do. You know I'd be hated as a king. I can't live the rest of my life like that, even if it's my duty, I just can't."
"If you abdicate, they won't just hate you, they'll loathe you."
"Yes," Sage agreed bitterly. "They'll loathe me either way."
"Son, you have to be stronger than this. We all have doubts, and you'll one day understand-"
"I've never been stronger. Admitting to you how I really feel is one of the hardest things I'll ever do. I've been such a coward in the past, but I can't go on this way." A voice in the back of Sage's head was screaming at him to tell her that he was gay. "It has taken so much of my courage to tell you this. Please don't sweep it under the rug by telling me I'll be fine tomorrow, or the week after, and that it's just normal to doubt this. You didn't have this hatred from the public, you don't understand how much I dread going out, having to hear them yelling horrible things and asking horrible things just to make me frown or get upset for their own amusement."
"You're Prince Sagerian Greenthenor," was all his mother offered as a reply. "You can get through this."
Sage shook his head, wounded for pouring out his heart. "And what if I can't? Because I don't feel like I want to even bother trying. The public love Oxley, he'd make such a modern Monarch."
"Don't even think about putting this pressure onto your brother. When you left the dining hall, he panicked badly at the thought of being King. He might have been stubborn in the past and wished to have an equal role in this family, but he never once thought you'd ever say anything like that and mean it."
Sage's insides churned with guilt. Maybe one day you'll tell Oxley that he has no choice but to be King, because an uneducated one is better than a gay one. Sage looked ahead of him, chewing the inside of his lip to keep a stern face.
"You're young, and technically, so am I. I'll be around for years yet." His mother squeezed his shoulder. "You're freaking out on a role that won't be yours until you're most likely halfway through your life." She paused for a moment, and Sage stole a glance in her direction. Her brown eyes were full of wisdom yet drooped with concern. Her beautiful smile was poisoned with pity as she tried to understand. "There's no pressure for you to marry. Your father likes to hurry things along, but Lady Liniana wasn't right for you, and there's no need to find someone else so soon."
I have found someone, Sage thought, glancing in Taro's direction. There was most certainly a pressure to marry, if not from his immediate family, then from his distant family and the entire nation. "I want to go away for a while," he said with eyes still on Taro, wearing his custom guard uniform in his favourite shade of purple, hiding his green fingernails under golden gloves. "I don't feel safe here right now."
"Where do you want to go?"
Sage pondered the many buildings they had all over the country, trying to think which one was remote enough for him to feel separated from his family, one where he could romanticise about being somebody else. "Blue-sow thistle cottage." The cottage was on top of a hill, far enough away from a small local town that Sage could be there for days without seeing another person. Nobody would flock to the village because the cottage was so remote; there was hardly any point. Royals visited when they really had to get away, and if he was lucky enough, he could even wander the village with a hat and a thick scarf.
His mother pursed her lips again. "How long do you want to go for?"
"Until I want to come back." Sage relaxed at the thought of getting away indefinitely. Having duties meant nothing to the public when they already hated everything he did. They wouldn't trust him to be the face of their country, and right now, he wouldn't trust himself either. "And Mister Vinea will choose the security that comes with us," he included. "Since nobody bothered to tell my personal guard about the break in, he can choose those who he trusts."
"Sage-"
"Please don't deny me this, I'm not asking for much."
"Running from this won't make your problems go away, you'll still have to deal with this when you return."
"I'm not running. I'd just prefer to watch my life crumble from afar . . . and preferably for a couple of months."
"You cannot go for that long."
Sage's knuckles whitened. He might be a part of the richest family in the country and be one of the most famous men in the world, with everything he could ever want- apart from his freedom. "I can, and I will." He got up, and his wrist was grabbed by the hand that had fallen from his shoulder.
"Sagerian, this isn't like you. I'd expect a rebellion from Oxley, but this..." her gaze wandered to Taro Vinea. "This sounds very much like someone else's words."
Sage followed her gaze and yanked his arm away. "I'm not so weak that I can't even form my own thoughts and feelings," he hissed, looking her up and down. "You don't know me at all." He left her to stand alone.
When he got to his room, he felt as though he didn't have enough space to breathe. He wanted to go back outside, but his mother could still be lingering by the bench. If he went anywhere else in the Palace, he would be watched by guards or maids or servants or his mother's private secretary.
"Everything just turns into an argument," he muttered, undressing angrily enough for Taro to drop some of his clothes as they were thrown his way. "I'm just a pathetic boy in their eyes. How could I have let this go on for so long?" He locked himself in his bathroom before Taro could respond and seethed in the bathtub for almost an hour.
I'm sick of this routine, running back to my room to sulk until morning. Sage rubbed his temples, sitting forwards to watch the water drip from his dark curls and into soapy water. I'm an adult with choices. I need to take control of my life. He knew for certain that he had to get away, and he had to go as soon as possible.
"Taro!" he yelled, climbing from the bath, and wrapping himself in a robe. Taro was sitting on the end of his bed with one leg crossed over the other, and a deep thoughtful expression clouding his face. "You need to help me pack, we're going to Blue-sow Thistle Cottage tonight." He strode across the room, but soon stopped when he couldn't find luggage. He turned back to Taro for help, who hadn't spoken a word. "What?" Sage questioned.
"Come here," Taro said, gently patting the bed beside him. Sage, a little hesitant and anxious of Taro's weary expression, did as he was told. "You need to just take a breath here. You've just had a big argument with your family, which I doubt happens a lot. You've said stuff you probably weren't ready to say. I know you just spent a lifetime in the bath, and I don't know how you're not a wrinkly prune but take another moment to calm down."
Sage was still acting on his emotions. "What do you think I should do then? The thought of staying here with all this tension is making me feel so ill."
"I think it'll do you good to get away from this place, but don't think of it as a place to escape to, think of it as a place where you can think more clearly. You have a lot going on here, but don't be so quick to throw everything away because you're scared of the way people will treat you."
"Easy for you to say."
"Yes, that's why I said it." Taro smirked. He took off his golden gloves and pressed a hand to Sage's forehead, humming lowly. "Hot to the touch, I knew you were ill."
Sage laid down on his bed and stared blankly at the dark wood above. "Do you want to see your mother before I drag you away for a few months?"
"No, she's currently away with my step-dad, I'll just phone her later."
"Then you're happy to come with me for that long?"
Taro leaned over him with grin so big, skin crinkled at the sides of his green eyes. "What do you think?" He lowered himself until their lips touched. He offered a cheeky peck on the mouth before getting up and rolling his sleeves to his elbows. "Right then," he said, clasping his hands together and looking around. "I doubt I'm getting paid to kiss you, unfortunately."