Chapter 197: Chapter 199

Chapter 14 – Shame

“We can endure all kinds of pain. It’s shame that eats men whole.”-Leigh Bardugo

Kiya

Shame was a soul-eating emotion I’ve carried for a long time. Unintentional at best, intentional at worse. In my darkest days, shame was my companion, swaddling me in both comfort and pain. Releasing that shame shined light on the rest of my days. It didn’t control me anymore. Life was too short and prosperous for it to s**h my light away.

Unfortunately, shame has entered my life again. Not for what I’ve done in the past or the words I’ve said, but for becoming this impenetrable wall for the being I love more than life itself. When Artemis told me about her encounter with Onyx, joy burned in my chest like a heat rub over sore muscle. But shame burned like a freshly made bruise. I wanted to be happy for my wolf, but I couldn’t be because we both knew there was one thing standing in her way of getting Onyx.

Me.

Artemis loves Onyx. She wants to be with him. Her devotion to me was stronger than the bond she held with her mate, and I hated it. Once again, I’m reminded of how devastating cruel two distinct desires can pull at a person-one of love and one of loyalty. Artemis sacrificed her own desires and comfort to ensure mine. Wherever I go, she followed. Whenever I fight, she fought at my side. My wolf wouldn’t hesitate to throw her life down for me.

Who am I to hold her back? Who am I to stop her from pursuing what she wants? If she wants Onyx, she should have him without my approval.

Nuria dragged me by the arm inside a bustling shopping mall. Washington Square, one of the most populous malls in Portland. She rambled on about how I needed a dress for the banquet portion of the Alpha Gathering and how I needed to make the alphas and lunas ‘writhe in jealousy’, but my mind was in another world. The scent of fresh, clean clothing couldn’t pull me back to reality.

I’m a coward. A f**g coward. If I could spend the rest of my life avoiding relationships, I would. But I couldn’t ignore the ache inside my heart-the longing for someone to cradle it as I had for my entire life. To wrap it up in a security blanket in love’s embrace. Exposing that part of my heart was as perilous as walking into a war zone. All it takes is for a stray bullet to threaten its entire livelihood.

I’banked on that. I watched my friends and family get into long-lasting, loving relationships that tickled me green. From sweet kisses to proposals to enormous marriages, I’ve seen it all. Sapphire and Isaiah are about to welcome their first-born son. Jackie and Abigail married two years ago, now bearing the responsibility of raising Aisha, Galen and Mikhail are amid planning their own wedding. Darien and Mara’s bond was so powerful that marriage and adoption were in the future. Phoebe and Nuria are sure to become an item.

My day was coming. My time was coming. But I’m too d**n scared to take the first step.

My options were open; I could mate with anyone I wanted to, but none of them were who or what I wanted. Both humans and werewolves pursued me, but I nipped that s*t in the bud before it blossomed. There was no one I trusted enough to protect my heart.

No one… Except one.

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Chapter 14 – Shame

How much longer will Neron wait for me? He’s clarified that he only has eyes for me. His desire rests in my hands. Through all the s**t we’ve been through, through all the ** I put him through, his love refused to waver. Neron looks at me like I’m a walking goddess and his smile was enough to knock the panties off of a gal.

Could I love him? Do I love him?

I think

“Youch!” I yelped, slapping Nuria’s hand away. “Did you have to pinch me that hard?”

“Um, yeah?” She shrugged her shoulders. “I called your name three times, but you didn’t answer. And it was I either pinch you on the arm or on the a**.”

I rubbed the ache on my arm. “Something tells me you would’ve preferred the latter.”

Nuria responded with a wink and a finger gun before turning to a rack of colorful dresses. She hummed a nameless tune as she pushed through her options, sparing me occasional glances and head shakes. “These won’t do. We need a dress that can accentuate your curves.”

My face scrunched into a grimace. “Why?”

“To show everyone that they can’t have what you have.” Her high-pitched giggle drowned out the screeching of the sliding coat hangers.

“And what would that be?”

“A body blessed with the touch of Selene.” Nuria’s eyebrows rose skyward. “All those single Alphas are going to drool

all over you.”

“I’d like to avoid that,” I replied, rubbing the back of my neck.

“True. Neron might kill them all, anyway.” Before I could protest, she called on one of the store’s workers, Caroline, to show us a better array of dresses. The brunette led deeper us into the store where rows and rows of c**l dresses lined the walls and circular racks. Nuria’s eyes lit up like Christmas lights as she hunted for the perfect dress for me. I idled behind her, shaking my head at every option she picked out.

“You’re so picky.” My friend grumbled, crossing her arms. “I thought the dress with the deep neckline was an excellent -fit!”

“…I like to keep my breasts contained. And I can’t wear a bra with that!”

“Okay, what types of necklines do you prefer?”

“Halter, off shoulder, sweetheart…” Anything to prevent maximum spillage.

“Hmm. We can work with that.” Nuria suddenly grinned, reaching out and grasping my shoulders. “You know, I’m glad you’re going with Neron this year. He’s not fond of the Alpba-Gatherings.”

It sparked my curiosity like a match. “Really? Couldn’t he just opt out of going this year?”

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Chapter 14 – Shame

“There is a weird rule that you have to rule as Alplun for five years or more to opt-out of attending. Neron has been

Alpha for three years, not counting his time with Zircon Moon.” Nuria turned back to the dress racks, fingering with a maroon dress. “The gatherings are prime time for gaining and solidifying new and old alliances. There is always something new each meeting, whether it be a recent marriage or conflicts spilling onto the banquet floor.”

“Hmm.” I curled a finger under my chin. “Is he treated well?”

“Not by all.” Nuria exhaled a heavy sigh. “Veteran Alphins love to pick on the ‘newer’ ones, no matter how old they are. I’ve seen it. Neron keeps calm when faced with disrespect, but sometimes I want to rip the balls off of those old men. My brother is doing his best.”

A flash of anger rocketed through me. If I was in Neron’s shoes, I wouldn’t want to go if I was expecting disrespect. Unfortunately, not every Alpha is like him and Anthony. “Well, that’s a crock of b**t. They’re hazing new alphas for

what reason?”

My best friend blinked, surprise flashing on her youthful face. “I wish I knew, but men are d**k*s. Figuratively and literally. I would tell you more, but it’s not my place. The only thing I can say is that having you there would do him some good, maybe boost his confidence a little.”

“You think so?”

“I know so.”

Now, I don’t regret agreeing to accompany Neron to the gathering, because I would throw down my honor to ensure he’s respected. Alphas are to help each other up, not put each other down. Power is a temptress and having such a title equated to being king. It can go straight to someone’s head if they aren’t careful. Experienced or not, I’m kicking the a** of anyone who tries to disrespect him in my presence.

The need to defend Neron is strong. Whether it is coming from my own feelings or the mate bond, I don’t know, but I’m grateful that it’s here.

A fl a shed in my peripheral. I turned my head to see a stunning off-shoulder dress hanging two rows above other dress racks. Nuria followed my line of sight and grinned. We asked Caroline to fetch us the dress, and I went to try it on. When Nuria came into my dressing room, her eyes scanned me up and down, a cartoonish wolf-whistle leaving her lips.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner!” She leaned against the wall by the shoulder. “That color looks so good against your complexion. If I wasn’t Phoebe’s, I’d s*h y*ou up as mine.”

I shook my head, unable to hide my grin. “And you’d have to fight your brother.”

“I can kick his a**.” Nuria scoffed, rolling her eyes.

“Phoebe, too.”

“She can kick my

I laughed, admiring the dress through my reflection. It accentuated my every curve from my chest down to my legs. The fabric exposed enough skin to leave the rest to the imagination, even with the seductive slip on my left leg. Fake diamonds sprinkled my waistline and the lateral curvature of my breasts.

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I feel like I was plucked fresh from the tanzanite mines.

“You look like a gem.”

“I feel like a gem.”

Neron

“The shipment of weaponry will arrive here no later than tomorrow afternoon. My best men will make the delivery.”

“Excellent. Your point of contact will be Beta Valerian. He sure to check in with him in order to be granted entrance.”

“And when will you deploy your carpenters?”

“Tomorrow morning.” I arched an eyebrow, looking up from my mass array of documents. “I assume their room and

board are in order?”

“Ah, yes. Nothing less from our partnership.” Bitterness aligned with Wystan’s tone as he bit the inside of his cheek. I felt a headache coming through. My allyship with the Iron Stone Pack has proven beneficial to the lives of my wolves. Thanks to Ezekiel, Wystan’s father, their help was partly responsible for the rapid settling of Onyx Moon. Now, three years later, he and my mother are in a long-term relationship.

And that was where Wystan’s disdain for me comes from.

His scruffy, almost boyish dark hair gave way to his youth, along with his sharp hazel eyes that failed to hide his disdain. His white tee underscored his hazelnut complexion, harking back to his Native American ancestry. While his acrimony was understandable, it wasn’t enough to break our allyship.

But it doesn’t make it any less irritating to deal with.

“So.” He spoke, folding one leg over the other. “Who are you taking to the Alpha Gathering this year? Your sister, again?”

I clenched my jaw. I still remember his incessant pursuit of Nuria until she came out as a lesbian. Part of me was ecstatic that he left her alone after that or else I would’ve done something I’d regret. “Not this year, much to your

chagrin.”

“There is no shame in attending alone, Neron.” He smirked. I rolled my eyes heavenward.

“Much like yourself? Still haven’t found a woman to call your own?”

Wystan’s eyes sharpened, his spine going erect. Ah, I’ve hit a sort spot. “Not… yet. She is out there, and I won’t stop until I find her.“

“May Selene bless her with the patience to deal with you.”

“Are you insinuating that I’m hard to work with?”

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Yes. “No. But m

I remind you that flirting your way through the women of my pack is unbecoming? You’re lucky I haven’t banned you off my property.”

“It’s not like you’re any better. I’ve yet to see a woman on your arm, given your age.”

I bit my lip to stifle my response. Alphas typically are mated and have one or two children by the time they’re my age.

At twenty-nine years old, it is seen as… strange. A rarity. Wystan is a year and a half my junior, so he wasn’t fairing any better. Unlike him, I have someone to call my own.

If she allows me to, that is.

“What’s your story?” My fellow Alpha asked. He folded his hands on my desk, leaning in with interest. “Lost your game? Punished by our Moon Goddess? Of all the times I’ve seen you, the only women hanging off your arm are your

mother and sister.”

“My personal life is none of your business, Wystan.”

“Someone’s a little touchy.”

“Someone’s going to end with his head off his shoulders.” Onyx snarled in my head, but I ignore him. My saving grace came with a knock on the office door. It wasn’t one of my men, that’s for sure. When one works as Alpha for so long, you learn which knocks belong to who.

Kiya’s head popped in with a grin and my heart grew wings. “Am I interrupting anything?”||

“No, of course e not. Come in.”

Kiya approached my desk with a manilla folder at hand and shopping bags in another. Wystan stared up at her like a child seeing the moon for the first time, eyes t**g and jaw agape. Onyx growled low, I bristled in my seat. “Kwame asked me to take this up to you. Something about Naomi going missing?”

Poor Kwame. I chuckled, taking the folder from her hands. “Don’t worry, Kiya. Naomi disappears twice a week. She’s probably hiding in the playroom.” I gestured my chin to her bags. “Nuria spared no expense, it seems.”

“Yep. She used your platinum credit card to make it happen.”

Iswear to Selene that little **t is going to drive me to an early grave.

Shaking my head, I pinched the bridge of my nose. Nuria must’ve swiped my card from my wallet when I wasn’t looking. “Tis alright. Did you have fun?”

“Yeah. I brought a dress for the banquet part of the gathering and…” She bit her lip, darting her eyes away from mine.

“L… think you’ll like it.”

Kiya could dress in a brown paper bag, and I’d love it. But I didn’t miss Wystan’s eyes brightening with purpose. S**t. He knows now that Kiya is accompanying me, and I didn’t like that. Not one bit. When she turned to leave, Wystan stopped her by grabbing her wrist, I almost leaped out of my seat when his thumb ghosted over her pulse.

“I’ll kill him! Get his hands off my mate!” Onyx bellowed. Ever since his canoodling with Artemis, he’s become more and more… possessive. And it’s slowly bleeding into me.

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“I don’t believe we’ve met.” Wystan shined his award-winning smile. Kiya wasn’t moved.

“How unfortunate that has come to an end.” She replied flatly. “And it’s impolite to touch a woman you aren’t acquainted with.”

“My apologies, dear.” He still hasn’t let her go, only moving his hand to hold hers. “I’ve never seen you here before. And believe me, I would’ve noticed.”

“I’m from Garnet Moon, not this pack.” She arched an eyebrow. “And do you use that tired one-liner on every woman

you meet?”

“Wow.” He blinked. “I never expected such fire from a beautiful woman.”

“And I’ll burn you to crisp if you don’t let me go in five seconds.”

G**n, I f**g love her.

Wystan giggled to himself, releasing Kiya before the allotted time was up. “Well, I know now you’ll be at the Gathering.” He shot her a wink. “We’ll meet again, Miss Kiya.”

“Lovely.” She muttered under her breath. “I’ll see you around, Neron.” And with that, she left my office. Wystan grinned from ear to ear, turning to me with astonishment.

“What’s a gorgeous lass like her walking around unclaimed?” He asked. I could feel my veins throbbing with anger and Onyx revving up for an attack. “If I was her mate, I would never let her walk around without my mark.”

“Well, you aren’t,” I replied, coming off harsher than expected. “Kiya is my friend.” S**, that hurt to say. “She’s a guest on my lands and Alpha Anthony entrusted me with her safety. I expect you to treat her with respect.”

Wystan c**d his head to the side. “No need to be so harsh, Neron. I won’t hurt the lovely lady, but she’s a catch:1, most definitely, will be the lure.”

Bold m**r.

My nails dug into the armrests of my chair, lengthening with the purpose of teaching Wystan his place. Onyx was more than ready to burst out and attack, but I held him back. If he knew the truth of Kiya and I’s relationship, he’ll never let me live it down and it’ll give him more incentive to claim her.

I can’t do this. I’m not a f**g testosterone-filled caveman. Kiya can handle and protect herself fine. A beauty like her has many admirers, and that number will skyrocket at the Gathering. Yet, the green-eyed monster in me refused to

settle.

Our meeting ended not a moment after, and I entrusted two guards to escort the Alpha off my lands. Leaning back in my chair, I groaned, covering my face as unbridled shame settled in my stomach.

How will I survive the Gathering without decapitating everyone who looks at Kiya the wrong way?

“Oh, it’s simple! All you have to do is-

I’ve never slammed down a m n t a l block so fast.