"Yes! That's it! You see, at least you can understand that!" Hao says, face lighting up. I smile back, satisfied with myself. Math has never seemed so easy in my whole entire life
"I guess I'm not dumb then, right?" I say. Hao stops jumping around and looks at me
"I never said that"
"That I was dumb?"
"No, I never said that you weren't dumb. i'm just saying that at least you have a few brain cells left to understand some simple maths" he replies, face serious. I roll my eyes at him, but proceed to put my maths stuff to the side
"At least I'll pass the test" I mutter. Hao nods in agreement without saying anything, taking his chemistry notebooks out
"It's your turn to help me," he says. I nod, glad to be able to be any help at all, after all that the boy has done for me
"Yeah, just show me what you need help with," I say. Hao nods, opening his notebook and shoving it toward me
"Just that. Formulas are kinda mixing me up" he says. I look through the problems, seeing things that I am greatly familiar with
"Ok, this is pretty easy. First off, you should probably-" as I'm about to finish my sentence, my phone starts to vibrate, Cho's name popping up on the screen. I look at Hao, who's staring back at me, shrugging. I take my phone and put it to my ear, a feeling of unwanted guilt rising in my stomach
"H-hey Cho!" I say
"hey! I just finished studying. Do you wanna hang out at my house?" I hear her cheery voice from the other side. I look at Hao, who seems to be studying his notebook, unattentive of what I'm saying
"Uh- you're on your way to your house right now?" I ask. That's when Hao looks up from his book, eyes wide, stressed.
"Yeah, I'm a few minutes away. So? You wanna come or not?"
"I- wait, give me a sec" I say, and then put myself on mute, looking up at Hao "Cho's gonna be here in a few minutes. What do you want to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I still need to help you with Chemistry" I say. Hao seems scared, not knowing how near his sister probably is to the house
"I know, but we can't study at my house if she's going to be here," Hao says. I hesitate a bit before answering
"You could always come to my house...?" I reply. Hao freezes, but immediately recovers
"Sure, I guess" he answers. I nod and immediately unmute myself, putting my phone close to my right ear
"Sorry, I can't. I still have a lot to study"
"You're... studying? Where did that miracle come from?" Cho asks, surprised. I grimace, but stop myself from fully frowning
"Since today. I'm surprised as well. Anyways, gotta go!" I say
"Wait! What if I help you study? I can come over?" Cho asks. I shake my head, feeling bad and stressed
"No thanks, I'm good. Bye Cho, talk to you tomorrow" I say, and immediately hang up. Hao's already off of the ground, putting his books in a school bag. I place my computer and maths notebook into my bag as well, and we both head out of the front door. Hao looks outside first, checking if Cho is already here, but luckily she is taking her time to get home. We walk into the cool air in silence
"You're a shitty boyfriend," Hao says. I turn around to look at him, eyebrows raised
"Huh? I'm not dating anyone though"
"I know. But if you were Cho's boyfriend you would be a horrible one" he responds. I stayed silent after that. Not because I'm angry, or I'm sad, but because I know that he's right. I feel like I would be a great boyfriend to many people, but being with Cho is something that I can imagine that would not turn out very well. Neither of us seem to have an interest in knowing what both of us like. I get the whole opposites attract thing, but honestly, being too different just doesn't sit right with me.
"Do you even like her?" Hao asks. I turn around to look at him with surprise.
Do I? After all I've thought of her for the past weeks, do I like her? After all the time we hung out together, do I like her?
"I don't know"
"You lose feelings for someone pretty easily then," Hao says. I shake my head
"Not really. I used to like some girl for three years"
"Did you guys end up dating?" Hao asks. I grin at his curiosity
"Yeah, for two weeks. Turned out she only dated me because she thought I would do her homework for her."
"Damn, that sucks"
"Not really though, 'cause she was really bratty. I don't know what I saw in her" I reply. Hao nods, seeming slightly disconcentrated
"You said you never dated, right?" I ask in return, making Hao draw his attention back to the topic
"Yeah"
"You've liked people though, right?"
"Yeah, of course. Hanbin, I'm perfect, not an alien" he clarifies sarcastically. I laugh, entertained by his attitude
"Sorry, sorry" I say between laughs. I see the boy shake his head
"They all sucked"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Even before we dated, they treated me like shit"
"What did they do?"
"You know, the typical stuff. They were too egotistical, made me run errands for them, you know, the stuff that makes you want to hate them" He says. I nod, feeling sorry. To lighten up the mood, I grin and put my hand over his shoulder
"I can treat you better," I say. For a second, Hao freezes, but in a blink of an eye, he pushes me back
"What the hell?" I hear him whisper. I laugh and pat his back
"Take a joke, dude" I say, bumping my shoulder into his. It's all fun and jokes. It's all funny things that friends say to friends. It's completely normal, as long as it doesn't go too far. But deep down inside, a firework prays to let itself be released, but I reach out to grab it and put it back in its box.
Even from the lack of streetlights, and the darkness surrounding us, I know that Hao's smiling. I see the shine in his eyes. I see how his hair doesn't brush to the side when the wind hits us. It's almost as if he's untouchable. Out of reach.
It's almost as if, no matter what he goes through, and no matter what hurts him, he'll keep a shine somewhere in there to protect, and he will never abandon it. He will fight to protect it.
It's almost as if all the fight he has gone through to be perfect, to make everyone like him, didn't hurt him as much as I thought it did. Because right now, at this moment, what I see is not the perfect Hao. It's the youthful, childish boy that I was never able to meet before, but maybe I will be able to get to know in the future.
"Hao?"
"Hm?"
I'll protect the real you...
â¡â¡â¡
Guess who's insanely sick atm ð¤ð ð ð perfect timing for exams lmao. I skipped two classes today but went to the other ones cuz I had tests for all the rest.
When I tell you I think I failed..... I definitely failed.
Also, please don't mind the shitty chapter. I would like to use my sickness as an excuse.
(stream 'ssick' by stray kids) <-- idk if I already put this song before but tbh it's a very convenient song for me atm so i dont plant on changing it