I did not ever think that my first night of college would end with me going to a party surrounded by strangers. I also did not realize how many people went to parties. I guess I should have known because it is the first night on campus. Everyone is so excited about being away from their home and families. Everybody wants to celebrate their newfound freedom of being independent and parent-free. I don't blame them. It does feel nice to finally be on my own without my parents watching my every single move and inserting their "godly honest" opinions. I've always liked being alone, just me, myself, and I.
There are probably at least thirty students walking with us towards the University Towers apartment building, only about a 10-minute walk from the dorms. This is turning out to be a very interesting walk because some people are talking very loudly and laughing, while others are taking sips from their drinks they're trying to hide. Samira and Reina don't have any drinks with them. She said before we left the dorm that Latrell will have drinks for us if we want them. I haven't said anything about it yet, but I am not partaking in any underage drinking. I'm not judging other people for doing it, but this is not something I feel comfortable doing. I don't even know what to expect from this party. I've never been to anything like this before.
"This is going to be great!" Sam exclaims, her curls bouncing along with her excitement.
She smiles wide at me. I return a toothless smile, not feeling any excitement at all for this. Nervous and queasy is more like it.
The crowd turns down the street, and we follow. It reminds me of playing follow the leader, except a majority of the people are either drunk or feeling buzzed. The University Towers complex stands tall off the corner of the street, the farthest building from campus, but still a close enough walk to get to everything. The building is tall. I count 11 floors in total. There are lines of windows spanning across the entire building, and I can see the lights on in the apartments.
Our large group walks around the building to the backside entrance, where some students are standing outside, talking and drinking. Again, like follow the leader, we each go through the backdoor and down a dimly lit hallway. Before we even get to the narrow stairwell that leads down into what I assume is the basement, I can already feel the heat radiating from the party. There's a muffled beat thumping and lightly vibrating against the walls, and as we go down the stairs, the music gets louder.
"Is this legal?" I quietly Samira before we get to the bottom of the stairs, Reina trailing closely behind me.
She shrugs. "I don't know, probably not. This room in the basement has been empty for years, so some students a few years ago started throwing parties down here. The building managers don't give a shit. They hardly care about what students do in this building."
She gives me a sly smile as we get to the bottom of the stair where the lights are so dim I can hardly see her smiling. "As long as nothing gets broken in the lobby, everywhere else is fair game."
I grab onto the back of Samira's shirt and Reina holds onto mine as we get into the large room filled with people. The only light comes from some black lights placed in the ceiling overheads. There are multiple strands of neon pink lights strung up along the rafters. The neon lights give the room a pink, hazy glow like we're inside a burning sunset.
As we get further into the room, there's a foul smell that engulfs my senses. I cough heavily and feel my eyes water.
"What's that smell?" I loudly ask near Samira's ear since the music is so loud.
She laughs at my question and shakes her head. "You've never smelled weed before Eva?"
I shake my head in disgust. I've never smelled weed before. I knew some people in my high school did it after school when there was no one around, but I didn't know it smelled so bad like a skunk died.
"Well, babe, you're gonna have to get used to it cause everyone around here does it," Samira says close to my ear as her eyes search around the glowing room.
"What are you looking for?" I loudly ask her, but I feel like I'm yelling right in her face.
"Latrell!" she replies. Her eyes scan the room until they stop at the back of the room. She smiles and grabs my hand. "Hey, let's go over here!"
I look beside me and grab Reina's hand to make sure we don't get lost or separated in the crowd.
Reina and I follow Samira, weaving through the crowd of bodies that are already hot and sweaty. Some are dancing on each other in ways I haven't seen before and others have their shirts nearly off. I feel dirty like I need a shower already from getting other people's sweat on me as we pass through. It's more difficult than I thought to shove your way through a crowd of sweaty, drunk bodies. There is no personal space at all here. No one else seems to care who they're pressing their body up against.
As we go to the back of the room, the music gets louder to the point where I want to plug my ears. How can anybody listen to this loud music and still enjoy themselves? My eardrums feel like they're about to burst.
I hear Samira squeal and let go of my hand as soon as we get through all the people. I see her launch herself into Latrell's arms, who's standing near the wall with a beer bottle in one hand. He lifts her and kisses her so deeply that it makes me feel like I'm intruding on a private moment.
"Damn man, why can't I find a man like that?" Reina says near my ear as she moves beside me.
I shrug. "Because God hasn't put the right man in front of you yet?"
Reina shrugs too and looks at the couple who is still heavily making out in front of us. "I don't know. It's making me miss my ex though."
Samira finally stops kissing Latrell and then gestures to us as she wraps her arms around his waist.
"Baby, you remember Eva from this afternoon."
I wave and blush when he smiles at me and winks. "I remember you, Evangeline."
I feel like my knees are about to buckle when he says my name. I'm glad there's not much lighting down here so he can't see how red my cheeks are. I'm not used to getting any kind of male attention besides a grimace when they realize how shy and awkward I am.
"And this is Reina. She lives right across the hall from us."
"Hey, what's up? It's nice to meet you." Reina waves and returns his welcoming smile.
Samira takes his beer bottle from his hand and sips on it as Latrell introduces his other friends standing beside him.
"This is Mikey, DJ, Rashaun, Jamal, Adam." Each guy nods their head to us as he says their names and then takes puffs of what I think are cigarettes.
It's a little hard to see their faces from the lack of definitive light, but from what I can make out, they look pretty intimidating to me. I get a nervous pit in my stomach, but I'm writing it off as just me not having a lot of experiences with men, especially in a party setting way outside of my comfortability.
"And this is Tre."
The last guy on the right puts his cigarette down from his mouth and blows smoke out through his nose. He nods at Reina first and then locks eyes with me.
In the pink neon glow, his eyes look like dark chocolate pools I want to dive into. The lights reflect off his face and I notice a small scar in the middle of his forehead. I wonder how it got there? His jaw is tightened and his eyes hold mine, leaving my mouth dry and my heartbeat quickening. I have to look away from his intense stare because I can't handle it. It feels like he's staring right into my soul, trying to figure out everything I am. I look down at my feet to try to hide my already warm cheeks and I fiddle with my hands so I don't keep staring at Tre, who is still staring at me. Gosh, now it is really getting hot and stuffy here.
"You guys wanna take a hit?" Samira asks and holds out a cigarette to us.
I shake my head in disgust, but Reina takes it from her outstretched fingers and inhales the smoke.
"I didn't think you would smoke cigarettes, Reina." I express my opinion to her. Once she's done exhaling the smoke from her mouth, she and Samira laugh.
"What?!" Reina laughs again and takes another hit. "You think this is a cigarette?"
I shrug and Samira says through her laugh, "It's a blunt, Eva, not a cigarette."
Latrell and his other friends chuckle at my ignorance and embarrassment. I frown when I see Tre smirking, trying not to laugh at my naive mistake.
Glad I can amuse everyone. Way to go Eva! Way to make yourself look more like an idiot than you normally do. My high school health class information just failed me.
Samira sees the disappointment and embarrassment covering my face. She pats my shoulder comfortingly. "We're not laughing at you, babe. It's okay that you don't know what weed is."
"No, I'm laughing at her." Rashaun deadpans. He and his friends laugh again and fist bumps each other. "Like how fucking stupid can you be?"
"Rashaun, you're such an asshole! Fuck off!" Samira snaps to him and flips up her middle finger. She uses some other colorful language towards him, words I have never said but heard at school before, but Latrell pulls her back into his chest.
"Relax, baby."
"I don't want nobody messing with Eva, she's fine." She crosses her and glares at Rashaun, who is too busy staring at another girl's butt to realize her death glare.
"Nobody will." Latrell gives me a look to say not to worry about his group of friends.
I nod slightly in acknowledgment.
"Well, I wanna dance now," Reina says and grabs my hand to bring me with her towards the horde of sweaty people dancing in the middle of the room.
"I don't know how to dance Reina!" I yell over the music, looking at the other girls who are shaking their butts and rolling their hips while some guys are behind them, moving along with the beat.
"You just move your hips, Eva." She demonstrates rolling her hips to the heavy beat of a hip-hop song I've never heard before. Back at home, I was never allowed to listen to music with profanity. After hearing a few songs here, I'm not a big fan.
"Don't overthink this, okay! Just do what I do!" She yells over the music and whips her hair around as she gyrates her hips.
I stand still and watch her for a moment. I then slowly roll my waist to match up with hers. She goes further down, then smoothly back up, and keeps turning around in circles so I can't keep up. I try to mimic what she's doing and how she's rolling her waist to the beat of the music, but I'm struggling. It feels very awkward and I'm definitely out of sync.
"Come on Eva!" She yells.
I stand up straight as she keeps on dancing. I shake my head and cross my arms across my chest. "I can't do it. This is so awkward."
I look over to where Samira is and my gaze locks again with the dark eyes and tensed jaw. Now I feel even more embarrassed that Tre saw me try to dance. I probably looked like a freak who has two left feet and can only dance offbeat. I look away from him again and turn my back to avoid his intense stare.
I look at Reina having a good time dancing and I sigh, feeling my shirt sticking to my skin and sweat dripping down the back of my neck. Some drunk people bump into me, almost spilling their drinks on my shirt, and I internally groan.
I wish I had stayed at the dorm.
*~*
I hate parties.
What's so fun about being drunk, crammed into a stuffy room with sweaty people and the music is so loud you can't even hear your thoughts?
After Reina tried to get me to dance a few more times with no success, I stood by the wall next to Samira, who was draped around Latrell most of the time. She looked at him with such adoration and love. It made me want to smile through my trepidation and awkwardness. Seeing them be sweet together was the only highlight of my night. I watched everyone else seemingly have a good time partying, but I never found anything enjoyable. This just isn't my type of scene.
I've never been one to be very social. I like to be by myself in a quiet environment where I can read and enjoy my own company. When I'm in large social gatherings, I tend to isolate myself to the back corner and keep my head down so I don't draw any attention to myself. If someone does try to talk to me, it usually ends after I answer how I'm doing because I have nothing else to say to them and they start to feel awkward at my lack of saying something interesting. I don't think I'm a very interesting person. I'm just me, basic me. Not interesting at all.
I thanked God when we finally left the party around 1:30. I had told Samira I was getting tired and wanted to go back to the dorm. Everything was just too much for me and I couldn't take it any longer. She was very understanding and Reina also agreed that she was getting tired too. She had danced so much her shirt was drenched because the room had gotten so hot it was almost hard to breathe.
The three of us left with Latrell in tow behind us. His other friends had moved around the party and thankfully did not stay near us for very long because I didn't want to do anything else to cause them to make fun of me again. Tre lingered for a split second as the other guys walked away from us and our eyes met again. This time he was the one who broke the contact first and turned his back, but not without turning his lips up in a slight smirk. I wanted to melt. I didn't know if that was because of him or because of the rising temperature in the room that made everyone sweat.
It was a relief walking out of the basement and into the fresh air again. I have had enough loud music and weed-smelling to last me a lifetime already. My body still felt like it was vibrating, even when we got back outside. The fresh air on my warm skin felt exquisite.
I keep yawning as we continue to make our way down the street towards the dorms. I want to take a shower and wash off all of the sweat and who knows what else I could have gotten on me from rubbing up against people. A shower sounds nice and then I am going to sleep. It's way past my usual bedtime. I've only stayed up past midnight a few times, but it's been a while since I last did it.
I'm typically an early riser who's used to getting their day started at 6:30 am. This was also from my parents, who got up at the crack of dawn and spent the first half-hour of the morning doing prayers and devotionals before breakfast. When I was a child, they'd have me do the same prayer routine in the living room. But when I was in high school, they allowed me to do my prayers alone in my bedroom. I'd spend that time first saying a few prayers and thanks, but then I'd spend the rest of it either reading a chapter of the Bible or of a novel I was currently invested in. I hope I can keep some of that same routine once classes start on Monday.
Latrell walks with us back to our dorm, his arm wrapped around Samira's shoulders and her hand clutching his. A few other people are walking back to the dorms as well, but it is now a quieter walk than before. It's actually pretty peaceful. The streets are quiet, minus a few cars that drive past, and the campus is lit up brightly with street lamps placed every 40 feet.
The four of us make sure we're quiet as we walk up to our dorm floor, trying not to disturb anyone who may be sleeping. After saying a quiet goodbye to Latrell, Reina and I head to our rooms to let him and Samira have some privacy.
"Goodnight Eva," Reina whispers as we both unlock our doors at the same time.
I half-wave and whisper back, "Goodnight Reina."
Before I step inside the room, I glance down the hallway to the couple who are now wrapped around each other making out.
I wonder what it's like to be kissed like that?
I quickly head into the room and shut the door so I don't look like a creep for staring too long. I bask in the silence of the room for a few seconds and then start to take off these hot, sweaty clothes. I almost tear the shirt as I pull it over my head and I think I add a bigger hole to the jeans after my foot gets caught in it. I inwardly scold myself for being careless and I grumble to myself as I throw the outfit in my laundry basket to wash. I'll wash them before I give them back to Samira.
I think I'll just take a shower when I wake up in the morning because it's already late. I'm tired and I'm going to be waking up in 5 hours anyways. So I just use a towel to wipe any place that still feels sweaty and then put on some more deodorant. I change into my sleeping shorts and a t-shirt that has my parent's church logo on it. I adjust my cross necklace so it faces the right way and then I sit on my bed, waiting for Samira. I need to ask her if she has any wipes to take off my makeup.
She walks in a few minutes later and hands me a makeup wipe. "You can take one whenever you need it, Eva. You don't have to ask."
"Thank you," I mumble and go to the mirror on the wall.
It takes me a few minutes to wipe all of the heavy makeup off and now my face is back to its old self. I head into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. Once I get back to the room, I brush out my tangled hair and then crawl into bed.
As Samira gets ready for bed and I get settled into my blankets, I curiously look over some of the posters on her walls of men I've never seen before.
"Hey, Samira?"
"Sam, Eva. Just call me Sam," She corrects me with a chuckle and slight smile.
"Sam, sorry," I correct myself and point at her posters. "Who are those guys on your posters?"
They don't have shirts on and their jeans are low on their hips to where their six-pack and v-lines show. I've only ever seen these types of posters from a few of the girls in school who had them in their lockers.
"That's Chris Brown, Trey Songz, and August Alsina." She goes down the line to each man who is exposing his hordes of tattoos.
"They're beautiful."
Samira laughs at my statement. "You don't call guys beautiful Eva. You call them hot, fine, sexy." She giggles and grabs a bottle of water from the mini-fridge by her bed.
"They're nice-looking." I try again and she nods in approval.
"Yes, they are. They're some fine men who I would marry any day, any time. Don't tell Trell I said that," She softly laughs and then turns the room overhead light off.
I chuckle at her enthusiasm. "Must be nice."
I've never had much exposure to men before besides the guys at church and school. Even then, I wasn't allowed to have a lot of interaction with them outside of those perimeters. My parents didn't want me to be tempted and become impure from the "sins of attraction" in their words. In high school, I wasn't interested in dating and doing what every other teenager was doing. I didn't mind that nobody paid me the time of day, because I was always studying and reading. I never felt like I was missing out on something, but seeing Samira with Latrell, a small part of me wonders what that is actually like.
Our short conversation ends so I turn on my side and close my eyes, waiting to succumb to sleep. But Samira speaks again, this time in a softer volume.
"So, have you ever had a boyfriend before?"
I sigh, opening my eyes to the pitch-black room, and turn back to face her even though she's not able to see me. "No, I've never had a boyfriend before."
"Have you ever been kissed yet?"
I shake my head and realize that she can't see me do that. "No, I haven't done that either yet."
"Wow. So you're an innocent one then?" She softly says to herself.
"It's kind of embarrassing though," I confess.
"There's nothing to be embarrassed about," she assures. "Your time will eventually happen. College is all about experiencing new things and finding out what you like and who you are. You'll get there. You'll find someone you want to share those things with."
I know that she's right. I've always been told that the right one will come along when it's meant to happen.
"I mean unless you wanna have hookups with random, different guys. Then go for it Boo," she adds.
I chuckle at that insane thought. "No thanks. I think I'll gladly pass on that."
We share another soft laugh and my eyes now start to feel heavy.
"Goodnight Samira."
I don't hear her reply until I'm almost fully asleep.
"Goodnight Eva. You're never gonna call me Sam, are you?"