Warning: This chapter contains a lot of foul and perverse language.
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Tre
Fucking hell.
I didn't want to do this tonight. Usually, I like going to parties and getting completely shit-faced and high off my ass until I am completely numb. I always enjoy the buzz and rush of endorphins throughout my body, it's a comforting feeling for me.
Alcohol and smoking are some of my coping mechanisms, they've been for a while now. I started drinking in high school and tried smoking one night when other guys in the neighborhood were fucking around. They handed me a blunt and told me to try it. I did and was hooked ever since. I can't go a day without having some form of a drink and smoke. They help me forget about the shit that's constantly shooting through my brain. Some may call it an addiction, I just call it a needed lifestyle.
Fucking some random girl also helps too. There's always someone else who's looking for a distraction.
The same scenario usually always happens when I go to parties. In high school, it was parties on the East Side. Like your typical adolescent shitheads who have no idea what the fuck they're actually doing, nor do they give two shits about getting caught. We would get blackout drunk and not remember all the shit we did and who we did it with. In college, it's nearly the same scenario, just as older shitheads and idiots. But it usually happens the same way.
I'll first lock eyes with another girl and then it's the same shit that happens every single time. It'll start with a few glances. She'll look at me with her flirtatious eyes and I'll have a smirk plastered on my face to let her know I'm attracted and interested in her. A few minutes later I'll either approach her first or she'll approach me if she's confident. Everything happens pretty quickly after that. A short conversation that's nothing more than an ice breaker to see if there is a good vibe between us. Then we might "dance," grinding for a few songs to sober up.
I never approach girls if I am too drunk or high to remember my name. If they appear the same way, I won't approach them at all. I learned this the hard way.
I was so irresponsible and stupid as a teenager, not caring about protecting myself or the girl. After they gave consent, I'd fuck them and then only think about getting myself off. I didn't care about anything else. I only thought with my dick and he was selfish. But not anymore. After a scare late into my senior year of high school, a girl I barely remember hooking up with told me she had missed a period, only to have it come a few weeks later. It made me grow some balls and realize how much of a prick I was being. I also was forced to realize just how dangerous all of my previous sexual experiences could have turned out to be. I had acted so wrong and careless. I was a fucking bastard. I wish I could take those times back and forget about them all. I was so fucking reckless.
I told myself that I would not make those immature mistakes again. Sex is not only for me but for her too. And clarity is very important during sex. I will only fuck when we're both sober, or a little tipsy at the most. We both need to have coherent thoughts and decisions.
Going to college was, in a sense, a fresh start for me and my antics. Sort of. The same type of scenario followed me with different girls, but now I'm smarter and more safe and considerate. I can still think with my dick, but I also have my common sense too.
Sex is fun, meaningless fun. That's all it is for me. Nothing more, nothing less.
If I meet a girl I'm attracted to and we decide to fuck, I never bring her back to my place. I always go to hers. When she asks to go to mine, I immediately kiss her and then ask where she lives, trying to make her forget what she originally asked.
I'm very good at being evasive and avoiding questions. It's like my own superpower. Over the years I've gotten very good at it. It helps me get out of most situations.
I have an unspoken rule for myself. I'll never let anybody see my home. That's off-limits for everyone besides Trell and Sam. Nobody else will ever get the privilege of seeing my personal space. I don't want my home tainted in any way. Whatever happens outside of my home, I leave it there on the doorstep before I step inside. My home is one of the only places I feel safe. I want to keep it that way.
Over the years since I was a stupid adolescent, I gained a lot of experience dealing with girls. I know exactly what to do and say to make them feel desired. They'll drape all over me on the walk back to their place, trying to get me to converse with them but I don't say much. I'm a guy of few spoken words.
I've already shut off most of my emotions at this point in the night. The only thing I'm focused on is the pleasure coming and the euphoria of forgetting.
Before any clothes come off, I ask multiple times if this is what she wants. I look at her eyes and make sure I can see she is making clear thoughts. Her eyes are always dark with lust and attraction, but they're also sober. She wants this just as much as I do. I then ask if I can touch her and her answer is yes.
That's when I completely shut off. Every emotion and thought gets pushed away to the dark corners of my mind. My body acts like clockwork, doing the same shit every time.
Usually fucking fast and hard, it's easy to get caught up in my own selfishness, but I still try to make sure I'm attentive to what her body likes. Sex is all about listening, noticing, and experimenting. I listen to her sounds and notice how she reacts to what I do. I'm gentle at first when I grip her waist and gather her hair in my hands, but once I see she wants more, I become rougher. With my hand wrapped around her throat and pressing my fingers to the underside of her jaw, she usually tells me to go harder.
I always prefer being rougher. I don't fuck slow and gently. I fuck to feel something other than the pain inside my heart.
I barely look her in the eyes at all.
Eye contact is one of the most intimate things you can share. It means a lot, especially when you're balls deep inside someone.
You know the saying, "Eyes are the window to the soul." So I don't look at her eyes as we fuck. It's too intimate and too personal. I don't need her eyes staring holes into my damaged soul.
Isn't it fucking ironic that I can be buried deep in someone, but not want them to get any glimpse inside my soul?
Can't get more intimate than that shit.
I think the best part about sex is the power that comes along with it. It makes you feel superior, like a fucking god. I like being in control, I get off on it. I always have to be in control while fucking. It's one of the only things in my life that I know I can completely control.
So the girl always comes before I do. I make sure it happens in that order. The pleasure makes my head feel high and my body relaxed for a few minutes. Pleasure is only temporary though. Lasts a few minutes and then it's gone.
She'll try to get me to stay the night with her, but I refuse. I don't do sleepovers. I won't cuddle you and fall asleep next to you until we wake up in the morning together. We already have an unspoken agreement when we decided to fuck. You use me and I use you. Most of them usually understand that concept.
I leave once the euphoria fades and my thoughts start to comes back. I get the hell out of her place and go back to my home, wanting to get another drink and smoke to become numb again.
My favorite part of this whole scenario is the continued numbness I experience most weeks. I'd rather not feel anything at all times, but the little bits I can get of numb are more than enough for now.
I'm not satisfied with my life, not even close, but I'm not doing anything to try and stop my downfall. There's no point in even trying.
My life has been going downhill for my entire existence. I guess I was doomed from the womb. Ever since conception, I have experienced nothing but pain and anger. I was born into shit and shit became my life.
I don't have a way out of this either. Nobody ever really leaves the neighborhoods that forced them to grow up into monsters. You don't leave the streets. The streets stay with you, always holding your mind and emotions hostage. We have to be tough. We can't show emotions. We have to be strong and give no fucks about anything. We don't tolerate shit and we stop at nothing to get what we want. We stay relentless, hungry, and motivated. That's what they teach you. They make sure it's engrained in your mind so you never forget it, even if you tried to.
That's the way shit is.
My life is already fucked up, so might as well fuck it up some more while I'm already downward spiraling.
I don't want to party tonight though. I'm so fucking exhausted. I didn't sleep well last night. I kept having nightmares and waking up in a cold sweat. I laid in my drenched sheets for hours staring up at the ceiling, until I finally couldn't take the silence anymore. At 3:30 am, I got up, changed my clothes, and grabbed my backpack from my desk. I walked out of the apartment building and towards campus. The 10-minute walk in silence did nothing for my heart that was still racing and my mind still swirling with the bad memories.
I went to the library. The only place I know that I can be truly alone. I don't know why the library feels like a safe space for me, but it does. I think I just like the feeling of being inside a building where there are thousands of books. A library appreciates books and the meaning of words. I've never been in another space that has that same appreciation. Nor have I ever met someone else who respects and loves books as much as I do. Books are one of the few things I actually care about.
Since my freshman year at this school, I learned that this library has a sweet spot. The midnight cleaning crew leaves some of the doors unlocked while they clean and there's always one door they forget to close. It's the back door by the loading dock behind the building. It's usually open because some idiot worker always forgets to lock it up. On the rare occasion that it is locked, I know how to pick the lock and get it open without being detected. I learned how to pick a lock when I was 12, so it finally came to use multiple times.
Inside the library, there are blind spots with the building cameras. There's none on the stairwell, just on the main floors. Since the back door opens right up to a stairwell, you can get into the building easily without being seen. Which is shitty work on their end, but perfect for me. I take the stairs right up to the roof. That's my favorite place to go around here.
It's peaceful and quiet without any disturbances. It's shielded by shadows and minimal light, so you can see the stars perfectly up there. Looking out you can see most of the campus and streetlights. It's a beautiful, calm site against my screaming mind.
I'll sit up on the roof for hours. Reading or writing with the only light coming from my flashlight I keep stashed in my backpack. Sometimes I'll just lay on my back and watch the stars. Occasionally, I'll fall into a short doze, but I usually stay up watching the sky and the millions of shining lights in it.
The night sky is the only thing that gives me a tiny shred of hope. Despite darkness, there is still some light flickering, never burning out.
When the sun starts to rise, that's my time to leave. I get glimpses of the sun rising over the city skyline and I leave quietly and inconspicuously as campus turns yellow-orange.
I wanted to try and sleep some this afternoon, but I couldn't. Trell and I had to meet with the guys. Today it was just talking about more shit we have to do next week. Our work has to be planned out in advance otherwise we'll easily get cops sniffing around our areas. We have to do shit on the down-low. No one else can know or there will be consequences to pay. D doesn't play any games with that shit. If you're out of line or make an ass of yourself while you work, you're already gone.
I feel indifferent about the decision I made last year. A part of me is starving for vengeance and power, but there's a small part of me that tells me I made a huge mistake. I think that's my subconscious mind telling me I majorly fucked up here, but I usually tell it to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. I don't need any reprimands. I know I've majorly fucked up my life. My life has been fucked up since I can remember.
There's no saving me.
The only thing I can do is try to survive in this world. There's nothing else I can do. My grave has already been dug.
The only reason I let the guys convince me into going to this party was that I knew I could smoke and forget everything that's happened. So now here I am slightly drunk and standing against the wall with the other guys and a blunt held between my fingers. I drown out the blaring music and focus on inhaling the smoke in my lungs, enjoying the burning feeling that courses through my throat. I look around at the crowd of bodies swaying and see if I can spot any girl I'd want to fuck later. Even though I'm tired, I still wouldn't mind another beautiful distraction.
I take some more hits of my blunt and look around the party, taking notice of the drunk environment. I focus my attention on a blonde-haired girl who keeps stealing glances at me from across the room.
The same shit every time.
I'm about to smirk at her and begin the usual scenario, but a loud squeal comes from a few feet away from me. I take my eyes off the blondie and watch as Sam launches herself at Trell. He picks her up and kisses her deeply. I turn my eyes away from the love birds that sometimes make me feel sick and lonely with their public displays of affection. I lock eyes again with blondie and this time I show my interested smirk. She smiles confidently and flirtatiously at me.
I hear bits and pieces of Sam talking to Trell and then an unfamiliar voice talking after Sam.
"This is Mikey, DJ, Rashaun, Jamal, Adam," I overhear and look at Sam introducing the guys to two girls standing in front of her and Trell. Those are probably her roommates or friends she just made. Sam has never had trouble making friends. She's one of the most friendly, down-to-earth people I have ever met. I can't relate.
"And this is Tre," she says, pointing at me right as I take another hit.
I exhale the smoke through my nose and look at the redhead first, giving a slight nod in acknowledgment, and then I turn my gaze to the brunette.
I almost drop the blunt and sober up as I lock eyes with hers. In the pink light, her eyes look dark as the night sky. The neon party lights reflect off her eyes and make it look like they have stars in them. I almost choke on my saliva as her eyes penetrate mine. Her brown eyes look familiar. Too familiar.
I clench my jaw tightly as I realize that she has the same kind eyes as my mother did. Her face also holds that same kind, gentle look that makes me want to bury myself in this wall in total shame. My heart rate speeds up and I almost panic at the sheer power her curious, doe-eyed gaze holds. I feel like I want to fall to the floor and never get back up.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I continue to look at her, intrigued but also shaken by her. She finally breaks the contact and shyly looks down at her shoes, like she's embarrassed for staring so long at me. I keep staring at her even when she looks elsewhere. I can't help but keep looking. I feel like I can't stop.
When she looked at me, it felt like she was staring deep into my soul. Like she knew everything in my heart and mind. Felt like she could see all of my secrets, my darkest demons that I tried to hide deep inside to keep them at bay.
Who the fuck is she and how is she doing this to me?
I have never had anyone's gaze penetrate me this deeply before. It almost knocked me off my feet. It was like I could see everything in her and she could see everything in me. Like two souls connecting without physically meeting.
My semi-inebriated mind is now jumbled with thoughts I never had before and I am trying to keep myself cool as I stand there looking at her, trying to find a reason as to why she feels different.
I don't have any explanation. I am at a loss for words and feel completely dumbfounded as their group conversation continues.
I look over her facial features and down her body, noticing how she looks at her feet a lot and fiddles with her hands like she's nervous and afraid to speak up.
She's very beautiful. The most gorgeous person I have ever seen. I feel like I already know her and we haven't even spoken yet.
I don't remember hearing what her name was.
Sam grabs the blunt out of Trell's fingers and takes a hit. "You guys wanna take a hit?" She asks them and holds out the blunt between her index and middle finger.
Brown eyes shakes her head with a grimaced look as the redhead takes the blunt from Sam's fingers.
"I didn't think you would smoke cigarettes, Reina," Brown eyes says bluntly and my lips turn up at the sound of her voice. Her voice is sweet and soft like velvet.
"What?!" Reina laughs and ends up coughing the smoke out of her mouth. Sam smiles and her shoulders shake as she laughs as well, putting her hand in front of her mouth.
Reina takes another hit, this time not coughing. "You think this is a cigarette?"
Brown eyes shrugs, a naive look on her face.
Sam smiles and chuckles. "It's a blunt, Eva, not a cigarette."
Eva.
That's her name.
I wonder if she's like me and uses a shortened variation of her name. I don't allow people to call me by my real name. That's off-limits for most. The only ones who have ever called me by my real name besides my mom, are Trell and Sam, but it was only a couple of times. I prefer Tre, probably just like she prefers Eva.
Eva's lips turn into a frown as Trell softly chuckles and the guys loudly laugh at her ignorance. Her shoulders drop and her gaze turns back to her feet. I can tell she's feeling embarrassed but trying not to let it be seen. I'm sure if the pink lights weren't on in here, her cheeks would be very red.
It's a simple mistake for her to make. To most people, it's a very obvious difference between a blunt and a cigarette, but for her, she seems like she doesn't get out much. From her slouched posture and her arms crossed in front of her chest, she looks like she's never been to a party before. Or maybe even been in a room full of drunk people who are too wasted to even care about what's happening around them.
She frowns as she looks up at everyone laughing or trying not to laugh at her. Her eyes turn to me and I try to give her a half-smirk half-smile so she can see that I'm not laughing at her.
Her frown deepens and I open my mouth to tell her it's okay, but Sam beats me to it.
She pats her shoulder trying to comfort her. "We're not laughing at you, babe. It's okay that you don't know what weed is."
"No, I'm laughing at her." Rashaun deadpans as he and the guys again laugh. "Like how fucking stupid can you be?"
I clench my jaw and shake my head, glaring at him. Rashaun has always been an asshole. I know that I'm an asshole too, but he's even worse than me. He never knows when to keep his mouth fucking shut. He's always gotta be saying some shit that's inappropriate and irrelevant.
"Rashaun, you're such an asshole! Fuck off!" Sam snaps at him and flips up her middle finger. "Stop laughing at her you ass." She takes steps closer to him as he looks at her with that stupid, careless expression he normally has plastered on his face that says he doesn't give a shit. "Show some fucking human decency and leave her alone! Eva doesn't deserve this. Why don't you go find your dick and then fuck yourself with it?"
I have to smile a bit. Now, this was a long time coming. Sam has never liked Rashaun since she first met him. Her outburst is stemming from 3 years of annoyance and dislike towards him. I don't blame her.
Trell pulls Sam back into his chest before she could step any closer to Rashaun.
"Relax, baby," he tells her as she settles down.
"I don't want nobody messing with Eva, she's fine." She crosses her arms and glares at Rashaun, who is already focused on staring at some other girl's ass and not even fazed by Sam's death glare.
I shake my head.
Fucking idiot.
"Nobody will," Trell says, looking right at Eva so she knows he means what he says.
I nod slightly, even though she can't see me.
It's true. Our friend group would never mess with her. We can all be assholes, but we also know how to put each other in place.
I'm not as close with the other guys as I am with Trell and Sam. I tolerate the others, but they test my patience most days. I make a mental note in my head to stay close if Eva is ever near Rashaun again. Just in case since he's an unpredictable son of a bitch.
"Well, I wanna dance now," Reina states, cutting some of the awkward tension, and grabs Eva's hand, dragging her into the crowd of sweaty, drunk bodies dancing in the middle of the room.
I look over at Rashaun, who's already shamelessly lighting another blunt. "You're a fucking asshole you know that?"
He shrugs off my insult and blows smoke in my direction. "If I'm an asshole then what the fuck are you bro? You're not any different than me."
"Watch yourself," I tell him and take a step closer to him. I don't know why but the ways he talks about Eva makes me angry and defensive.
"What's the fucking big deal? This shit was funny. Who doesn't know what fucking weed is?" He takes another hit and then blows it directly in my face on purpose. "Why are you so defensive of that naive virgin who probably doesn't know her pussy from her ass?"
I push his shoulders back into the wall and bring my angry face close to his. "Shut your fucking mouth right now," I glare at him and he recoils slightly at my tone. "If I hear you talk about her like that again, you're fucked."
When push comes to shove, Rashaun is nothing more than a weak bitch who only knows how to run his mouth. He won't ever get shit done. He's a puppy surrounded by big dogs, submissive with his ears down and tail tucked.
"Know your fucking place, bro." I release my tight grip from his shoulders and he scoffs as I back away from him.
This isn't the first time we've had this type of shit happen and it won't be the last. I've knocked him out a few times before for the shit that comes out of his mouth. He has no respect for women or pretty much anybody for that matter.
I share a glance with Trell and he nods slightly at my previous actions. I return the nod and then look at the dancing crowd. I spot Eva and Reina in the very middle of the mix. Reina is moving her hips along to the music but Eva is standing still like a statue. Her eyes are wide as she watches Reina move.
Eventually, she starts slowly moving her body, like she's trying to copy Reina dancing. She's awkward as she tries to keep up, but she's completely offbeat and out of synch. She keeps looking around the room, curiously looking at the other people and how they dance. I have to smirk at how she's trying her damn hardest to figure out how to dance. Her eyebrows are furrowed and she's biting her lip like she's very concentrated and focused.
She tries to roll her hips to the beat of the music but she's still off. She stands up straight and shakes her head. She crosses her arms and says something to Reina before looking in my direction.
I unconsciously tense my jaw as our eyes meet again. She quickly looks away like she's embarrassed. Or creeped out by my staring.
She turns her back to me and I get the hint. She thinks I'm a fucking creep.
Fuck.
I tear my eyes off of her awkwardly standing while everyone else dances and meets Trell's gaze. He tilts his head, looking at me and then at Eva. His eyes narrow and I know now that I'm caught staring. His eyes question me and I shake my head, not wanting to answer questions that I don't even know the answers to yet.
I rub the back of my neck, avoiding Sam's curious gaze too.
I need more alcohol and another blunt if I'm going to make it through this night.
I don't have a lot of tolerance for idiotic drunk people when I'm not completely inebriated myself. I also need to keep my mind and eyes off Eva. They keep gravitating towards her like she's a magnet and I'm hypnotized by her force.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I don't know why I feel this pull towards her.
Why is she so different than the others?
When she walks back over to us after trying and failing to dance with Reina, I turn my attention elsewhere, trying to not look at her even though I badly want to.
I could look at her for hours, learning about her unspoken thoughts and unnoticed traits. I doubt she'd appreciate any of that though.
She seems shy, extremely shy. I've never seen a shyer and awkward person than her.
She doesn't say a lot as she stands next to Sam and Trell, who are wrapped around each other and off in their own world. From looking at the two of them, even if you didn't know them personally, you can see how blissfully in love they are. I guess that's what happens when you are so enamored with someone who carries your heart in their hands.
I've never been in love before. The only love I've ever felt was from my mom. I knew she loved me because she told me every day. Sometimes multiple times a day she'd tell me. But that's the only kind of love I know. I don't know that blissful, rare love that most people search their whole life for. I've seen it from afar, but never experienced it myself. I don't know if I want to either.
I don't think I'm made to love.
The idea of loving someone only for them to be taken away from me is one of my worst nightmares. I can't do it. I can't handle that kind of pain, not again. Being in love takes your control away. I'd rather be alone and cold than be loved and eventually heartbroken. I don't love easily. I don't think I'm lovable at all for how much of a conniving asshole I usually am.
Who could ever love someone like that? Who can love someone who is terrified of his own emotions and doesn't want to face reality?
I force myself to snap out of my thoughts as the other guys leave to go find more weed. My blunt is burned out to the end, so I place it on the ground and step on it. I silently give Trell a gesture to tell him I'm going outside and he nods in acknowledgment. I linger for a split second, needing to see Eva's eyes one more time.
She stands still like a statue. Her eyes are penetrative and make me feel the same intensity as before. I wish I could stare into them for hours.
I'm the one who breaks the contact first this time. As I turn to walk away, I can't help but smirk at her.
She is hypnotizing and I have no fucking idea why.
I walk out of that hot ass room and feel like I can finally breathe steady again. I go outside to the back of the building where other people are still standing around smoking and drinking. Once I get more weed, I'm going straight to the apartment. I can already feel the exhaustion settling in now that my mind has been completely fucked by Eva.
She's a mystery that I need to figure out.
It's almost insulting from how much she has affected me and I have never even spoken to her. Usually, it's the other way around for me.
As I get more weed from the guys and roll another blunt, I realize something that punches me right in the face and knocks me clean on my ass.
Eva didn't just make me feel different.
She made me feel powerless and out of control.
Every time I look at her, she holds me captive without mercy. I am powerless against her.
Anger and frustration start bubbling up inside of me because I cannot allow anyone to affect me in this way. Nobody gets to make me feel powerless again.
Fuck that.
My selfish ego tells me to stay away and forget all about her. That she'll bring nothing but trouble to my already fucked up life.
So with my mind fucked and my mood ruined, I forgo smoking the blunt I just rolled because I notice the blondie that I had seen earlier. She smiles and starts to walk up to me.
Despite my physical and mental exhaustion, I smirk back and decide to allow for the same shit to happen once again.
I just need a fucking distraction.
The same shit every time.
Nothing more, nothing less.
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SURPRISE!
Here's the first Tre POV from chapter 3. Now you can see more of Tre's thought process and how much of an asshole he really was at the beginning of this book. These POVs do contain some additional things that I will be putting in the re-written chapters so everything can finally feel cohesive.
I have a few more important POVs that will be eventually coming after the re-writes.
ALSO: I am currently starting to write another book! It's called Cherry Valley and I already posted a couple chapters. If you like a mystery with some crime, horror, and a lot of twists and turns, then this is the book for you! It should be a lot of fun and I'm so excited to write it. I'd appreciate it if you checked it out.
Thanks for everything.
-Bekah