Compass - Zella Day
Stranger - Katie Costello
Muddy Waters - LP
Let Me Go - Avril Lavigne
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Large time elapses with these final three chapters.
March 2018
Sophomore Year
"Eva, can you check on room 246 and see if Gena Campbell is ready for pre-op?" Shana, one of the RN's, asks me as I sit behind the floor desk sorting patient files.
I look up from where I'm leaning over the file cabinet and smile. "Sure, Shana."
Shana has been one of the most welcoming since I started working as an intern here two months ago. Henry Ford General Hospital is one of the biggest hospitals in the Detroit area and it's only a couple of minutes from where I live near downtown. I thought it would be a good idea to start getting early experience working in a hospital, so last semester I applied to be an intern. It's an unpaid internship as of right now, but if they want to extend my internship to next year then I'll get paid and could also possibly work in the emergency clinic. I don't really mind that my work is unpaid. I'm doing this for the experience, not the money. I want to learn as much as I possibly can before I go off to medical school in a year and a half.
Being an intern has been a busy, but amazing experience so far. I started it this January before classes had began and I work here three days out of the week. I managed to get my class schedule to work out in a way that I'm able to have all my classes in the morning and then my internship in the afternoon. I start class at 8am and then typically go to the hospital around 12:30 and work there until 5pm. It's a schedule that I appreciate having. I have been thriving on this organized system.
I really love working at the hospital. I do a lot of paper work and file sorting, but I also get to help check up on patients for basic pre-op and post-op procedures. I have been shadowing some of the attending doctors and nurses while they interact with the patients. Mainly my job consists of standing back and observing, so I absorb everything I can. In the hospital, everyday is something different, so I am always finding another thing to learn and take notes on. I've learned so much already just in these past two months. Time feels like it's flown by.
I set down the patient files I had in my hands on top of the desk . I adjust my purple scrubs pants and floral top as I stand up from the desk. I tuck a loose piece of hair that fell out of my bun behind my ear and walk around the desk towards room 246.
Overall, things have been going really great for me.
I've managed to get straight A's each semester so far and I still work at the university library on the days I don't have my internship. I decided to keep my job at the library because I needed to keep making some money to pay my bills and groceries. I also just really enjoy being surrounded by books, so there was no way that I could give up that job. It's so easygoing and I'm still able to get my schoolwork done during my shifts. It's all worked out.
Even though I'm busy most days of the week, I don't feel that overwhelmed or stressed out. I still get my school assignments done early so I don't feel rushed, that's never going to change. It makes me feel so much better knowing that I don't have assignments waiting to get done. I'm just able to focus on my internship without the nagging thought of schoolwork procrastination.
While I've still got myself on some schedules and daily organization, I am learning and practicing how to be more in the present moment and not plan every single detail of my life out. It's been a work in progress for me this past year.
I walk into room 246, located at the end of the hallway, and smile at the 40 year old woman laying in the bed.
"How are you feeling, Gena? Where's your daughter at?" I ask the blonde haired woman who had come in this morning complaining of pain in her abdomen, which ended up being an inflamed appendix that needed to be surgically removed before it burst.
She softly smiles at me and sits up a little bit more against the bed pillows. "I'm feeling good. Ready to get this show on the road. My daughter went to get a snack at the vending machine before my surgery."
I grin and nod, go over to check her monitors to make sure her vitals and blood pressure are at stable numbers. "That's good. Are you feeling any more pain or discomfort in your abdomen?"
Gena shakes her head and rests her hands in her lap. "Not much, only a little ache now. It's not as bad as it was this morning when I was first admitted."
"Okay great," I reply, stepping away from the monitors and grabbing her patient file. After writing down her vital numbers, I take one last glance at the monitor to double check that there's no abnormalities. I shut the file and then give one last smile to the woman.
"Your vitals and BP are stable so in a couple minutes you'll be taken into pre-op for your appendectomy. Then I or Shana will come back in later to check on you once you're in recovery."
"Sounds good. Thank you."
Gena's teenage daughter walks in right after and is holding a bag of chips and soda bottle in her hands. She whispers a "Hi," as she sits down in the chair next to the bed and I smile to acknowledge her.
"No problem, Gena. See you after surgery, okay." I smile at both of them one last time and then walk out of the room, heading back to the nurses desk.
"Gena is ready for pre-op," I tell Shana once I get back to the desk she's standing beside.
"Great. Thank you, Eva."
I sit back down in the chair and pick up where I left off with my file sorting. Somehow the files had gotten out of order earlier today before I had gotten here so I'm having to sort them and put them back in alphabetical order by last name. It's not a hard task by any means, it's just tedious and kind of boring. But as an intern, that's what's we have to do for now so I'm not complaining. At least I'm getting experience with observing vitals and talking to patients.
My biggest lesson learned so far was on the first day of my internship. I learned that in the medical field the personable communication with patients is just as, if not more, important than the physical science. You have to know how to properly communicate with the patient so they feel comfortable and aware of what's going on. I have broke out of my shell more because of this. Shy, awkward Eva is not as prominent as she used to be because I have to talk to strangers every day. The more I do it, the easier it gets.
And as of right now, my internship is in the general division of the hospital, so I get to witness medical attention on all spectrums. I decided to go with general because I have not figured out what specialty field I want to go into. I'm only a sophomore, so I have years to decide what field I want to be in. If I really like working in the general field, I will go that route, but if I end up gravitating towards another field more, then I will go there. I'm not going to stress about my decision yet because I know that eventually I'll find where exactly I am meant to be.
That also applies to my life as well. Even though my class and work schedule is extremely organized, I am not putting as much pressure on myself like I used to. I'm not setting as high of expectations that I'm not able to reach yet. And I am learning how to not be so hard on myself. It's challenging to stop being that way after I lived like that for most of my life. It's hard to change something that you grew so accustomed to like it was your normality. It's extremely difficult to break that habit.
My therapist, Rachel, has helped me a lot with letting go of the things I can and cannot control.
Last year, I thought I would be able to figure myself out and sort through my problems on my own. But after a month of trying by myself, I realized that there was too deep of trauma inside me to deal with it all on my own.
I needed help.
At first, I was embarrassed and felt ashamed in asking for help since I've always been so independent. I only had me. So I trained myself to expect to do everything on my own since Johnathan and Sylvia never lifted a finger to help me out. All they did was push me into solely relying on myself and forcing me to feel like I have to always be strong and never ask for help.
I didn't want to admit that I needed help. Initially my pride was bruised, but after talking with Sam and Reina about it for a few days and then booking myself an appointment with Rachel, I started to understand that it was okay to ask for help. It was okay to go see a therapist and I shouldn't feel ashamed for needing therapy.
Nobody should ever feel embarrassed or ashamed to go to therapy. I think it makes us stronger peopleâgetting ourselves the help we need. It's brave and we should be proud of it because we are strong enough to ask for help.
I still write in my journal, especially after a session when my thoughts and emotions are running wild. It's become a place to keep my thoughts away from prying eyes. Sometimes I'll tell Rachel something I wrote, but most of the time I keep it to myself because it's my way of sorting through what I have been learning and realizing in our sessions. It's like my way of piecing everything together. I write it down and then if it's really important to me, I'll say it out loud.
I always say things out loud to make them more real. So I say this one script multiple times to make sure I always remember that it's okay for this journey to be apart of my normalcy for now. These were things that we said in our sessions. I wrote them on a piece of paper and taped it to the bathroom mirror where I can see it every day. I recite it before I leave the house in the morning:
I go to therapy.
I see my therapist for an hour once a week.
Some sessions are hard and drain me, but I am making progress.
I am getting the help I need and want.
I am a strong and powerful force. I do not feel ashamed for my trauma.
It's okay to ask for help.
I will be okay.
It's become my mantra. I'll often find myself throughout the day saying some of the sentences, especially when I start to feel stressed or overwhelmed. Repeating it in my head helps calm me down.
Rachel said that I was always hard on myself because I was yearning for other people's approvals and validities. Even though I was shy and awkward, deep down all I wanted was to feel validated. I wanted to please everyone because I was so terrified of being a disappointment. I was afraid to fail because I thought that failing made me weak. I relied so much on other people to make me feel secure because I never felt that security from my childhood. That's why I love so hard and put others before myself because I don't want others to feel the way that I did. I was scared of having someone be upset with me. I didn't want them to hurt me, so I did whatever I could to avoid that happening.
In the therapy sessions, it was tough for me to let go of all of that negative shit. I had to rewire my mind away from the toxicity that I was born into. Rachel told me that I can be selfish in this situation. In the recovery and re-discovery of ourselves, we can be selfish. I don't have to feel bad about putting myself before everyone else. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be the best version of myself that I can be. I should be able to live my life without fear.
I've been in therapy for a year now and I feel like I have made so much progress. The results of therapy are not instantaneous. It takes a lot of time, effort, and energy, but eventually you will start to see changes. My changes were little at first. It was smiling more throughout the day, it was taking more deep breaths, and it was taking breaks when I would start to put pressure on myself. Then it eventually turned to bigger changes, creating less stress on myself and not freaking out if something doesn't go as planned. It was saying to myself that it's okay to make mistakes and things will still be alright if I have to do something differently.
I had to let go of the constant need for control. Being in control allowed me to not get hurt from others and it permitted me to keep going on the toxic path I was on. I kept myself on a tight leash because that's what I thought I needed. I was accustomed to it. I grew up being bound by the leash that was held by the only two people who share my DNA. That's why I always felt like I was choking or couldn't breath when something was out of my control. I couldn't handle the feeling slip away, it made me lightheaded and dizzy. The idea of not being in control of my entire life scared me shitless. I was terrified of loosing the leash. It was all that I had known.
But I had to let the leash go. I had to free myself from the 18 years I spent with it tied tightly around my neck.
Five months into my therapy, there was a breakthrough during one of our sessions. Rachel had encouraged and kept reminding me that I was in a safe space where nobody could hurt me, but she didn't unclasp the leash for me. My own trembling hands did.
It fucking hurt taking it off. I cried as I undid the leash that had melted into my heart. I felt like I was being torn open. When I finally ripped it off, I saw just how many bruises and scars it had left behind inside me. I cried harder as the initial fear washed over me, but then I kept crying once I felt the fear replaced by something else.
Free.
For the first time in my life, I finally felt free.
As I cried into my hands that held a wad tissues, I took deep breaths to calm myself down as Rachel softly spoke comforting words to me. It was almost like I could feel the air freely flowing through my heart. There were holes everywhere, jagged wounds that never healed. Some were a lot deeper than others and bandaids couldn't fix these holes. They had to be stitched up but they would never fully be the way they were before all the pain. They were too damaged, but I was going to try my best to stitch them as strong as I could. To stitch them up, I had to come to terms with everything I had lost and experienced in my life.
The stitching took months after the unleashing.
In order for me to stitch up my wounds, I had to come face to face with them. I stood in front, spoke aloud about what happened and how much pain it caused me, and then I forgave. As I drew the needle into the wound, I said that I am no longer allowing it to have power over me. I wasn't afraid anymore and I was strong enough to move on. Once the wound was closed up tightly, I felt peace.
One by one, each of my wounds healed as I found peace and solace.
I'm still stitching some of the holes today. Most of the deep wounds have already been doneâthe manipulation and abuse from my upbringing, the constant ridicule and belittlement that tore up my self-worth, and the constant need for control. But there's still more to be done. As I'm healing myself, I'm also figuring out who I really am. I felt like such a stranger inside my body, so I'm finding out who Eva is.
I know that when I find her, I'll fall in love with her.
As I've been doing my soul searching, I have taken up some more hobbies recently. I thought I needed a different hobby besides reading. I'll always love reading and getting lost in a good book, but I wanted a change. I wanted to get out into the present moment, so I bought a Canon 800D. The camera was a big investment and the learning curve for photography was steep, but I am slowly getting the hang of it.
I love learning new things, so I have enjoyed learning all about photography and cameras. In my free time, I'll go out and take photos around downtown. Since I'm a beginner, I only take photos of still images and landscapes. I'll also take photos inside the apartment so I can get more practice. Sometimes I'll take photos of the bowl of fruit that sits on the island counter or of Reina and Sam when they sit on the couch in our living room.
The three of us got an apartment together after freshman year ended. We had applied to live outside of the campus radius and were accepted. We wanted to live away from campus because we all felt like we needed to get away. For our mental and emotional health, we needed to live in a more stress-free environment. And honestly, it was still too painful to live right on campus. There were too many memories for us to continue to live in the sad energy we felt while staying in the dorms. It was better for us to be close enough to campus for class, but far enough away that we can feel safe and comfortable in our own home.
We found a three bedroom apartment for a relatively cheap price considering that it sits right near downtown. The 8 story apartment building has old red brick and the lone elevator doesn't work half of the time. Sometimes our water doesn't get very hot and when it rains, our ceiling leaks a little bit in the living room. But flaws and all, our apartment is quaint and perfect for us. It's big enough for the three of us, but still small enough to feel homey and intimate. There are a lot of windows and almost of the walls are white, except for the accent wall in the living room that's a multicolored brick. The living room takes up the most space because our apartment is an open floor, with the exception of the bedrooms and bathroom that are down a single hallway.
The summer after freshman year we all stayed in the apartment. Sometimes Reina and Sam would go back to their hometowns and occasionally, I would join them. Since it was the summer and campus was closed, I had gotten a Sumer job working at an animal shelter that was a few blocks from the apartment. It was within walking distance so I got my daily exercise and I got to spend most of my day with the animals. Most of them were strays, so it was my job to spend time playing with them, giving them food and water, and making sure they got a lot of much needed cuddles and rubbings. It was just the job I needed. I got to spend my day giving love to the animals and receiving so much love back from them. I think that also helped a lot in my recovery journey.
That summer, there were so many changesâall for the better. The three of us were healing and becoming close like sisters. I was an only child and I grew up wishing I had another sibling so I wouldn't have felt as lonely and isolated. I was always jealous of the kids at school who had multiple siblings.
But now I have two sisters for the rest of my life. To celebrate that, we each got a matching tattoo. We wanted a permanent reminder that we'll always be there for each other. We got a compass tattooed in the middle of our upper back right underneath our neck. A compass meant that no matter where we were in the world, we'd always be able to find our way back to each other. No matter what happens, we'll never truly be lost.
I was nervous about getting the tattoo since it was my first one, but it was an exciting rush that I needed. It was painful and I clenched my teeth the entire time, but once the ink was etched into my skin, I felt more connected to the two girls who completely changed my life.
Tattoos had always fascinated me and I loved the idea of them. They were permanent reminders of what we loved or what we lost. They allowed for us to remember and carry on the memories forever. Tattoos looked beautiful, so I couldn't stop looking at mine once I got it. After that first one, I ended up getting two more.
I never thought I would get tattoos, but I wanted more once I started my therapy. I wanted to have reminders that I could look at everyday. I wanted them to be true to myself and be apart of my personal journey. So it was an easy decision to get my favorite line of my favorite poem tattooed on my shoulder.
I see it everyday and I love that I have something so meaningful and powerful with me always. Three months ago, I got my third tattoo. I found this quote on the side of a building painted in graffiti. It was spray painted in black and had a drawing of angel wings next to the words. It was a beautiful, simple work of art and it resonated with me after I first saw it. The phrase was encouraging and it reminded me that even with my past pain and trauma, I am still strong and beautiful.
I got it along my ribs, which hurt like a bitch, but I wanted it there because while it was painful, it was still beautiful and worth the pain. Two years ago if someone would've told me that I'd get tattoos, I never would have believed them, but I wouldn't take my ink back. They're like my healed scars and they are the wings I desperately needed when I didn't believe in myself. It feels like they're tattooed right onto my scarred heart. They are apart of my healing, reminding me everyday of how far I have come in my recovery.
My recovery is not yet finished. There's still a large wound that I haven't stitched up. I haven't been ignoring it, but I've been nearly avoiding it. I focused on the other wounds that I was ready to face. But now that those holes were stitched and healed over, I had to finally face my deepest painful wound.
I hadn't thought about him in months. I hadn't talked about him since Sam last told me one of the conversations they had. She told me in March last year that she was still speaking to Tre occasionally, but she hadn't seen him since Trell's funeral. She and Reina both knew that Tre was a sore spot for me and so they never brought him up, just like we didn't bring Trell up for Sam. They were too painful to talk about. It was in October when I finally asked Sam. It was the first and only time I asked her about him. She said that he was doing really good. He was busy a lot, but he was staying focused and figuring his life out. She said he was making progress with himself and was on the right track.
I didn't want to yet, but I had to ask her about him because he was the largest, deepest, most excruciating wound I was trying to stitch up. It was time to face what I had been avoiding for months since I started therapy. My sessions finally had gotten to my failed relationship and I was hesitant at first to tell Rachel about Tre. I hadn't spoken his name in so long, it felt bitter tasting his name on my tongue again. It felt foreign to speak about him and our relationship.
He was a tough wound to stitch. He was the wound that kept bleeding. When I finally touched the gaping hole he had carved into my heart, I could feel the shreds he made. Because I had been avoiding it, it was starting to get infected. Tre was the laceration that would make me hemorrhage and go into cardiac arrest. I wasn't fully ready, but I had to revive this part of my heart that had turned black.
I started at the beginning when we first met and then how I eventually fell in love with him. I didn't tell Rachel everything that happened. I couldn't reveal all of the secrets that him and I will keep between us for the rest of our lives. I left out the parts about the gang. Instead, I told her in very broad words about what had caused our relationship to plummet. Tre wasn't the man I thought he was and he was very deceitful and evasive towards me. He had unintentionally ruined our relationship and let me slip away. He caused me so much pain and heartache. The things he said, the things he did. My heart was still bruised.
"Do you hate him?" Rachel asked me, making me look at her in shock and wide eyes.
"I love him," I told her.
"I didn't ask if you loved him, I asked if you hated him."
I shook my head and shrugged. "I don't understand what you're meaning. I could never hate Tre."
"Let me rephrase what I was meaning to say. Is there a part of you that's still angry about what happened?" She asked, tilting her head slightly and giving me a comforting look. "Look deep inside yourself and tell me how you really feel."
I bit my lip and clenched my fingers into my palm. "I feel everything."
"Can you describe what you're feeling right now as we talk about Tre?"
"I'm sad," I said quietly at first. "Every time I talk or think about him it feels like my heart's being stabbed with a knife. I don't want to keep thinking about him, but he's always there. And I think he always will be because I know that I'll always love him, even if he doesn't want me anymore."
There. I said it. I felt my throat become tight as I swallowed back the threatening tears.
"I would've died for him and he told me he couldn't be with me," I croaked and looked down at my hands. "I think that hurts more than anything else we went through. He made me so happy and all I wanted was just him. I know that he said he wanted to fix himself and that's why we couldn't be together, but it didn't make it hurt any less."
I couldn't be mad at Tre, not when I understood why he did what he did. I could never be mad at him for wanting to make himself better. It just sucked that the universe was not allowing us to be together, not matter how much we wanted to.
"I guess there is a part of me that is bitter about him. I hate how things had to end," I sighed and shook my head. "I wish I could hate Tre because that'd make this so much easier, but I can't. I can't hate him when I love him with everything in me."
"Did you really love him or did you love the idea of him?"
Fuck. I was rendered speechless and I couldn't form any response at first. I knew that after this session was over, my brain would be mush and nonfunctional for the rest of the day.
"I thought I could fix him," I quietly revealed, trying to form coherent thoughts. "I thought I could help him become the person that I saw, but I don't know if that was really who he was or who I wanted him to be."
"It wasn't your responsibility to fix him, Eva," she told me. "You cannot fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. You can try as much as you want, but there will be no resolution. You'll only end up hurting yourself."
She made a really good point that I know I had learned the hard way. It was true. You can't fix someone who's doesn't want to be fixed. It's like talking to a brick wall. It's leading a horse to water but you can make it drink. It's useless and unnecessary.
"I know it's my fault too that our relationship ended. I could've been more understanding towards him and I should've listened more instead of pointing fingers and getting caught up in my emotions. I hurt him just as much as he hurt me."
We both were to blame. There's no one else to blame but ourselves. We made mistakes and were too stubborn to try and fix them maturely.
"People make mistakes, its what makes us human. What's matters is how we get back up once we fall down. It's up to us to learn from our own actions and make the conscious choice to not repeat them again. You need to forgive yourself for how you reacted to the situation. You may have forgiven Tre, but you need to forgive yourself too."
Rachel sat up and leaned over, putting her elbows on top of her knees. She smiled and her eyes were bright, like how they are when we have a breakthrough.
"Eva, you spent your entire life trying to survive, but now you need to start living."
Live for you. She had told me right before our session ended.
Once I left her office and went home, I immediately laid down in my bed. My head was throbbing and my emotions were all over the place. My body was tired and my energy felt like it had been drained out of me. I laid there for hours, unable to sleep so I looked out the window and watched the sun set to night. Once my head didn't throb as much, I started to piece together what all was said in the session.
I had finally admitted what had been stinging me. Even though I knew that it was right to not be with Tre, that didn't take away how much it stung when he said he couldn't be with me. But I also knew that he let me go because he needed to fix himself. I couldn't be mad or blame him for wanting to get better, even though he wouldn't be with me. If I needed to be angry at anyone, it would be at life because it allowed me to have a small taste of what I had always wanted, but then took it away before I could devour it.
For the sessions after that one, Rachel and I discussed more about the lessons I learned during my time with Tre. We didn't focus on the mistakes, we focused on the remedies and solutions to the flaws. She let me come to my own conclusions and made a few suggestions, but she mostly let me figure it out on my own. In December, I finally walked out of the session smiling, a first for me since I started therapy. I was smiling because the Tre wound was almost closed and healing.
I had come to a lot of realizations and epiphanies.
Me and Tre's relationship was flawed from the very beginning. We did some things right and then we did some things very wrong. But what I learned from him, I will carry with me forever.
Relationships are not easy. They take a lot of work, but it should never be one sided. In a relationship, you are partners and equals. You support each other through the storms and you always hold each other up. When one partner falls down and is only giving 30% that day, you pick up the 70% to support them until they are able to get back on their feet. You never let each other drown. You tread water together until you both can make it to shore. It's you both against the world, not against each other.
That's where Tre and I went wrong. It wasn't us against the world, we were against each other. Eva versus Tre versus the problem. We didn't understand that we were in the wrong. We were ignorant because we didn't have any example of how a stable, healthy relationship works. We were trying our best, but it wasn't enough.
When there are two broken individuals who get into a relationship, there is bound to be trouble, especially when they both don't realize how toxic they really are. How can you begin to fall in love with someone when you can't even take care of yourself? How can you love someone when you don't love yourself?
I should have never of thought that I could fix Tre and he could fix me. I was naive and wrong to think that if I fell in love then it'd solve all of my problems. Tre and I had to fix ourselves, it wasn't anyone else's responsibility to.
I also shouldn't have relied on him for my own happiness. I thought that all I needed was Tre to make me feel happy. He was my safe space and solace place. But it was unfair for me to rely on him for my happiness. I thought that he needed to make me happy, but I was so wrong. I should've made myself happy.
We should be able to make ourselves happy and then our partners should make us happier.
That's the difference between what we want and what we need. I wanted Tre to make me happy, but that wasn't what I needed. Tre should have added onto my happiness, not solely providing it.
Once I realized this, I started to find out how to make myself happy. And that's what I've been focusing on the last few monthsâfinding my own happiness.
I'm pleased to say that I feel like I am genuinely happy with my life now. Things have been going great and I wake up every morning, thankful and happy to be alive. I am thriving on my own and I feel like I am steps away from meeting the woman that I truly am. She's so close, I can almost touch her.
I don't feel sorry for myself anymore and I've stopped apologizing when I don't need to. I have also forgiven myself for the mistakes I made. I've been putting myself first and I haven't been focusing on anything beside my own happiness. My confidence has risen and my shyness has decreased immensely. I am becoming a strong, independent woman, and I fucking love it.
I am falling in love with myself, like I should have all along. It took a while and the journey has been hard, but the near finish line is very sweet.
I haven't been with anyone since Tre. It wasn't even a thought in my mind. I was focusing on myself and my healing, so dating was out of the question. I didn't feel comfortable nor ready to date anyone else. Tre still had my heart, and I think it might be a while before I get to have my happily ever after. I'm not in a rush though, I'm only almost 20. Right now, I'm enjoying being in this moment where I am happy and growing for myself. I'm not in any hurry. I'm just going with the flow and this time, I have a life jacket on. I'm no longer drowning. I've learned how to swim and how to stay afloat.
I saved myself. I am the savior of my own conflict. I'm not the damsel in distress who's locked away in a tower. I'm Joan of Arc, ready to stay determined and battle whatever life throws at me along the way.
This whole time, I didn't need anyone else to save me. All I had to do was look in the mirror.
I smile and wave goodbye to Shana as I walk out of the hospital, done with my shift for the day. The air is surprisingly warm today, considering this past week has been cold. Spring is right around the corner and I cannot wait. Spring my is my favorite season because it's when everything grows. It's the season of rebirth, where the dead become alive once again. I also love springtime because I'm able to go buy more plants and flowers. The apartment has a couple of potted plants throughout and my bedroom has multiple small plants that sit right on the windowsill. The plants are my babies. I take good care of them and they're are still very green and lush, despite the lack of sunshine most days in the winter.
As I walk across the hospital parking lot, I don't go directly to the car that Sam and I have been sharing this school year. Sam had bought a car at the end of freshman year, with some help from her parents, and she lets me borrow it when she's not working at the art studio. Reina doesn't have her own car yet either, but she and Cooper are together most of the time so she never needs one. So I am still saving up to buy my own. I have been recently looking around at some used car dealerships to get an idea of the kind of price ranges I'll be in. What doesn't go towards bills and groceries, I put in my savings account. I'm still shy about two thousand dollars from the price range I want, but I am hoping to have it all saved up by the end of the semester so I can finally have a car to call my own.
I walk down the street next to the hospital and pass through multiple blocks. I walk for fifteen minutes until I get to my destination. I don't mind the long walk. It goes by quickly because I look around at all the hustle and bustle of the city. It's fascinating to walk down the street and see all walks of life, everyone in a different place in their lives.
I get to the entrance and walk up the little paved road. I walk under the black iron archway and head to the normal spot. The grass is very green and maintained, looking like it was just done today. I don't come here everyday, but I do come once a week to see him.
The cemetery is quiet, but not eerie. It's peaceful and calm. I'm able to think so clearly when I'm here. I walk through the little gravel pathway and then weave around the gravestones until I stop in my tracks.
There's already a person sitting where I normally sit in front of the gravestone.
"Tre," I say breathlessly and I don't think he hears me for how quiet I just spoke.
He takes his eyes off the gravestone and turns his head, our eyes locking for the first time in 15 months. I don't say anything, unable to figure out any words to speak because I'm so surprised and caught off guard. He was the last person I was expecting to see here.
The corners of his lips turn up and his eyes soften, full of curiosity. "Evangeline."
Goosebumps form on my bare arms. It's been a long time since I last heard him say my name. His voice has always sent an electric bolt throughout my body. He could start a wildfire inside me with one single word.
I blink rapidly, making sure that I'm actually seeing him and not a hallucination. My eyes drift over his face and down his sat form, taking in the differences of his appearance since I last saw him. His hair is longer, the longest I've ever seen it. It's taller on the top and then shaved on the sides. There's a light stubble underneath his chin and a thin mustache above his lips. It's a new sight for me to see him with some facial hair. I've only ever seen him with a little stubble, but nothing like what he has now. He looks beautiful. He's always looked like an Adonis carved by the Greek gods, but he looks better now, like his entire aura has changed.
His eyes roam over me too, moving up and down my body, noticing everything that's changed. Under his gaze, I still feel the butterflies he always gave me. They've never left, just settled until he could free them again.
"Why are you here?" I ask and clear my throat, breaking our wandering stares and taking a few steps closer to him.
"I should be asking you that." His tone is playful and he smiles. He then gestures to the gravestone. "I come here almost everyday to talk with him."
I sit down right next to him on the grass, criss-crossing my legs and putting my hands in my lap. I look at the gravestone and sigh at the words etched into the stone.
Latrell Adam Farris
Beloved son, brother, & friend.
APR. 24. 1995 - DEC. 15. 2016
The flowers I brought last week are still sitting against the stone. "Hi Trell," I say softly, poking the two white lilies I had bought.
I guess all of us make time to come and see him. Sometimes us girls will go together, but most of the time we all go separately so we can have our privacy with him. So even though he isn't physically here anymore, he's still apart of our lives.
"I visit him too," I tell Tre, turning my head towards him. "Every Wednesday I come to see him."
"Why Wednesday?" He questions and I smile.
"Because it's almost the weekend. It's the day I look forward to each week. Wednesdays brings me so much joy," I explain. "They're the day that is middle ground, comforting us and letting us know that good things are approaching." I tear my gaze from Tre and look back to the grave. "I thought this day fit well with who Trell was."
Trell was the median for Tre and I. He was always there for us both, even when we weren't there for each other. He knew us in different ways, but he always supported us and told us exactly what we needed to hear. His wisdom and kindness helped me understand Tre more. I still remember the words he told me the last day I saw him alive. I carry them with me and I smile when I think about just how much he did for us. If I had never met Trell, I never would have met Tre and fell in love with him like I did. I say it every time I come here to see him. Thank you, Trell.
"I miss him," Tre mumbles, frowning. "It's weird living everyday without him."
"He'll always be with us," I tell him. "Forever he'll be in our hearts."
Tre nods, rubbing the back of his neck like he always does when he's apprehensive. Some things haven't changed with him.
"How have you been?" He asks a few seconds later.
"I've been good. Really good actually," I chuckle and smile.
"It's been a long time," he notes and I nod in agreement.
"It has."
Surprisingly the air between us doesn't feel that awakened like I how I thought it would. I can't really describe it. We're both just here, sitting in this moment together.
"You look beautiful."
I smile wider and let out a small laugh, my cheeks warming at his sweet words. "Thank you." I pause and then let my smile drop from my mouth as I think about how natural this feels and how much I miss it. "A lot has changed this past year."
"Yeah it has," he replies, looking down at my hands that I have been unconsciously fiddling in my lap.
"I've started to work at the general hospital," I say, wanting to keep the natural flow of the conversation. "I'm an intern right now."
"I had already figured that out from your scrubs," he points out. I smile once I see the smirk come to his mouth. I've honestly missed seeing his usual Tre smirk.
"Okay, smart ass." I roll my eyes and poke him on his shoulder, making him chuckle. "Tell me what's been happening with you."
"Well I'm about to graduate," he starts, smiling and leaning back on his hands. "And I just found out yesterday that I got accepted to be a civil engineer for an international transportation company."
"Oh my god Tre, that's fantastic," I smile widely at him and he returns it.
"Yeah, I get to travel around the world working at different building sites for large transportation projects."
"That sounds amazing. I'm so happy for you, Tre."
"Thank you. I'm really excited about it." He looks so happy and proud of himself. It makes me smile more, seeing what he has made of his life. I knew that he was capable of achieving big things. "I wanted to have a job where I could travel internationally and witness what the world has to offer."
I want that dream too. That's why I want to be a doctor. I want to see the world and experience all of the different people and cultures encompassed in it.
"And now you have it," I remark.
"I hope I can have something else too." There's a gleam in his eyes that is a combination mix between curiosity and determination.
I stare at him. "What's that?"
"You."
"Trevante," I exhale and close my eyes. He always knows how to render me absolutely speechless. It's one of his many talents.
"Can you answer this question for me?"
I nod and look at him again, my heart starting to beat faster in my chest.
"Do you still love me?"
I answer immediately, without a doubt in my mind. "I've never stopped."
He looks happy with my answer. "I told you before that I'd always love you."
"Always," I finish and smile slightly. I said the exact same word to him the day we danced in the rain.
"I finally know what I want for my life," he says, keeping his eyes locked on mine. "I want you there with me. I can't picture my life without you in it."
"We're not the same people we used to be," I whisper, biting my lip. This time, I don't feel sad. I don't feel the wound that always throbbed in Tre's absence. I now feel peace and I feel like a new beginning.
"We're better than them," he tells me, reaching over to grab my hand.
It's like electricity as our fingers intertwine together, meeting again after a long time. Our hands always felt like they were meant to hold each other. Tre and I were puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together.
"Our lives have changed," I say, squeezing his hand and feeling a relief at the way his skin feels against mine. "But I can't imagine living my life with anyone else but you."
The past 15 months have taught us both so much and that time completely changed our lives. But the one thing that hasn't changed, is how much we love each other. We both made our lives better and we found out who we really are and what we want. We found happiness on our own and we have been healing from the past that we were afraid to face.
Seeing Tre now hasn't opened back up the wound he had left behind, he's not making a new wound either. He's kissing the healed scar, determined to not ever leave a painful mark again on my heart.
"I want to try with you," he says, kissing the top of my hand. His words and action make me laugh, reminding me of the good memory of our first date. Some things in life do repeat and time spins like a carousel. Whatever is meant to be, will eventually be.
I can feel the fire starting up between us again. Only this time, we're both ready for the burning flames.
I smirk and throw his words back him. Now we can blaze forever and always in each other's hearts.
"Here's to trying then."
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Guys, this book ranked up to #19 in the romance category! That's so insane! I literally cannot believe we got up that high in such a massive category. It also ranked #8 in teen romance and this book now has 70k reads. This past week and a half has been surreal. Thank you so much for all that you do for me. Thanks for all of the love and support for this book. I love and appreciate you all greatly. You're the absolute best.
Lastly, after the final epilogue chapter, would you guys want to do a Q+A with me? I'd love to answer any questions you might have about me or this book. Let me know in the comments if you'd like to do something like that. I think it could be a fun way to end this out, but please let me know if you want to.
-Bekah