Songs
hate u love u -Â Olivia O' Brien
Never Let Me Go - Florence + The Machine
Words - Skylar Grey
Tre didn't show up to class on Friday. Prior to class, I was preparing myself to ignore his stares, but when class had started and the lecture discussions began, the seat that Tre had sat in before was empty. For fifteen minutes, I watched the doorway to see if he would come in late, but he never did. After the fifteen minutes I sat staring at the door, I finally started to relax in my seat and I actually took part in the class conversation. Professor Garrett smiled as I raised my hand to answer one of his questions.
During class, I started to feel like a sense of normalcy again. I didn't have anything distracting me and I could think clearly and openly about the topics we were discussing. I didn't have to look over at Tre to see if he was paying attention and I didn't have to feel this eyes on me, which always made my body heat up. Class felt like the beginning of the semester again and I really enjoyed that feeling of normalcy that hadn't been in my life in a while.
It is easy to get so caught up in distractions when they're right in front of you all of the time. It's easy to get lost in the things that you think are important, but they turn out to not be as important as they had appeared to be. I was always good at maintaining my own alignment and keeping focused, but being on my own away from the sheltered life I grew up in, I realized that it's hard to keep yourself focused when there are so many distractions constantly around you. It's okay to get distracted sometimes, but it's also important to make sure that you don't dwell on that distraction for too long. Because you can miss what's right for you when you are entertaining the distractions.
A lesson learned is to keep on my own path and focus on getting myself to the place I want to be, and then I can focus on the lesser things. It may sound selfish, but in the end, we all are just trying to build our lives the way we want to, even if it's not the right way for everyone else. You have to know what is right for you and what you deserve.
It's been a few days that I have been able to process more about what happened this past week, and I can say that while I do still feel anger towards Tre, I am more sad than anything else. I haven't been wanting to think about it, but I've forced myself to. I have been trying to keep my mind calm and go over everything that happened since I met Tre. I first think of the good things that happened. I got to experience what a real relationship was like. I finally got my first kiss and I understood why sex is regarded as such a normal, passionate thing. I got to feel what it was like to be in love and to feel love from someone else. I learned more about myself and what I need from my significant other. I also learned that things don't always turn out the way you planned to. Life is never easy and simple, and you cannot always get your way.
Then there are the bad experiences. I fought against and defied my parent's wishes so now I don't have any relationship or contact with them at all. I am on my own to handle most things in my life and I have to learn more on my own accord. Everything that I thought I knew about my childhood and growing up had been smoke and mirrors. And then there's the worst part. Finding out what I was so naive towards and feeling my heart be broken from the guy who I fell in love with. My whole world felt like it came crashing down right on top of me, suffocating me and making it hard for me to try and get up.
I try to think of the good more than the bad, but the bad always overpowers the good. It's like when I am thinking of something good that happened, my mind immediately reminds me of why I am sad in the first place. I feel so helpless because I don't fully why I am feeling this way. I have no idea what it is like to go through a breakup, so I don't know if I am going about this the right way or not. I guess everyone just deals with pain and heartache differently. You just try to do what you think is right to make your pain feel less.
While I think about everything that happened with Tre and I, I do feel some regret and guilt from some of the things I had said to him that night. During our fight, we both got so caught up in our angers that we said really terrible things because we knew it would hurt each other. We were caught up in our own emotions and I wish I hadn't said that I hated him. No matter how upset I am at him, I could never hate Tre. I love him. I broke my own heart by saying those words to him and I saw the devastating look in his eyes when I had said it. I think I broke things in him as well like he did to me.
We both had never truly been in love and we didn't have anything to go on about how a healthy relationship works. We could have handled things a lot better. I am starting to understand that now.
Did I overreact at the situation? Probably a little bit. I was just so angry and blindsided by the situation that I reacted the way I did. Adrenaline fueled and overpowering. I felt helpless and I felt like I was so overwhelmed that I didn't know how else to react besides anger and spitting hateful words towards him. I think I'm also overwhelmed by so many things happening in a short amount of time. I couldn't keep up and that got me to here, sitting cross-cross on my bed with a fuzzy blanket over me and watching Sam get ready for the big art exhibition tonight.
I have some regrets. I wish I could take back the things I said to Tre. I didn't mean most of what I said. I did mean the part where I said that I didn't know how I could forgive him. Everything else I said was from feeling hurt and shocked, they weren't how I really felt in the end. Initially, once I left Tre, I tried to hate him. I tried so hard to get myself to stay mad at him and hate him for what he did and said to me, but I couldn't do it. It'd be easier to hate him so I could completely push him out of my life and move on. But no matter what, I still love him and I can't stay angry with him, no matter how heartbroken I feel right now.
And I realized that not only was I angry at Tre, but I was angry at myself too. I was mad at myself for being so naive and not figuring things out sooner. I was mad for not piecing things together when everything was right in front of me. I was also mad because I chose to ignore the signs. I chose to ignore the time I saw him and Trell deal drugs and the times where I saw them be obviously mysterious. I think I ignored them because I didn't want them to actually be true. But it all makes sense now. It was right in front of me the whole time. The secrecy, the mysteriousness, the evasiveness, the things that I deliberately chose to ignore. It was all right there for me to figure out and I didn't. I should have figured it out and I chose not to. That's on me.
The anger in me has subsided, but the sadness still remains. I am sad that this was what the outcome of our relationship. I am sad that Tre didn't want to keep fighting for us as if our relationship had meant nothing to him. And I am sad for finally realizing what had been lost all along. It only took me losing the love of my life to see that there are things within myself that I need to come to terms with. Sometimes I feel like I lost myself by getting wrapped all up in Tre's dark spider web. I was acting like my usual self, but I didn't fully yet understand why I did the things that I did. Now that I have gotten a chance to think back and reflect, I understand more of myself and who Evangeline is. The Evangeline from before college is not the same person as Evangeline during college. She's grown up and taking a lot of hard lessons learned. I know I still have a tough time with letting go of things out of my control and that's something that I need to continue work on. I need to continue to work on a lot of things.
Maybe this end for me and Tre was a good thing after all? We both have things that we need to sort out ourselves and these are things that we can't solve when we're together. No matter how broken you are, you are the only one who can truly put yourself back together. Nobody else can fix you. Only you.
I think that is also why I feel sad about Tre. I really wanted to fix him and fix all of his brokenness. I thought that I could help change the issues within him, but I should have never of tried to fix him. It wasn't my place to. Just like he can't fix me. We can put some of each other's pieces back together, but we as individuals need to fix our own pieces.
We're all probably a little fucked up from something in our lives, but it's up to ourselves to decide on whether or not we let it consume us.
Right now, I feel like a collapsed building. I thought I was strong and had a solid foundation, but I underestimated the small storms that caused more unseen damage until my whole being broke down, collapsed. Now I have to pull myself together out of the rubble and build myself up again, this time, making sure that I take my time to not miss or ignore any seen or unseen issues.
Tre and I are an unfinished puzzle. We have some pieces together and then there are others that are still missing. We can't be complete until we find those pieces and then find the right way to place them together. It's not an easy process, healing yourself. Healing your deep wounds that stem all the way back to your childhood. Actually admitting that there are issues within you is hard enough, but to then try and fix those problems when you have no idea how to, that's even harder. I have no clue as to how to fix all of my problems, but I am just going to continue to reflect on my life and analyze the parts that need more work. I'm going to take my time, and maybe then, I'll be able to understand more of myself and Tre.
"I'm so nervous," Sam chuckles in front of her mirror and smoothes down the fabric of her mid-thigh navy silk dress.
She puts her silver dangle earrings in and I can see her hands slightly shaking from where I am sat on my bed.
"There's nothing to be nervous about," I tell her, taking a sip of my water bottle. "You're gonna be fantastic and they'll all love your paintings."
"I hope so."
She looks again in the mirror and pats down a stray hair. Last night, Sam had decided that she wanted a change, so she cut her hair. Her shoulder mid-length hair was now cut to a short blunt bob that went a few centimeters below her ears. For the exhibition, she has straightened the hair so her new bob looks sleek and shiny.
"You look beautiful."
She turns around, smiling at my words. Her red lipstick pops against her porcelain white teeth. "Thanks Eva."
She puts on her black heels and does a twirl in from fo the mirror.
"We all are going to look stunning tonight," she says, grabbing her black clutch purse that sat on her desk.
"Me and Reina are going to start getting ready around 5 and we'll be there by 7," I tell her and she nods.
"Okay, I have to leave now so I can go to the artist's dinner and then set up my work." She pauses and looks over at me with a big smile. "I'll see you beautiful ladies later."
"Bye Sam," I say as she walks out of the room, her heels clicking against the tile floor.
I grab my novel that I had laying beside me and read a few more pages until I need to start getting ready. Reina had told me earlier today that she'd come over and we could get ready together. Yesterday, her and I went to the shops in midtown to find our outfits. It took a few hours but we both finally found something that we really liked. We both just went with simple, but classy outfits so we wouldn't draw attention to ourselves.
That was the first time that I had been out and about since everything changed, and I have to say that it felt really nice to get off campus and spend time doing other things besides school, work, and wallowing in my own emotions. I think in recovery and overcoming hard times, you need to do normal things. Going outside and feeling the sun on your skin, feeling the wind blow through your hair, it's comforting and makes you realize that life is still moving, even if it doesn't feel that way for you. Time isn't stopping, life is still being lived.
After a few more minutes of reading, I eat my leftover pasta from when Sam and I got lunch. Reina knocks on the door and walks in a second later as I'm just finishing up eating.
"Are you ready for this?" She asks, carrying a bag and the long plastic bag that holds her outfit. She places them both on Sam's bed and then smiles at me.
"Yeah I think so," I reply, taking a drink of my water.
I throw my leftover box away and grab my toothbrush and toothpaste. As Reina takes over Sam's side of the room with her things, I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I get back, her Bluetooth speaker is playing music and she's starting to curl her hair.
I get out my dress with the hanger still on it and lay it on my bed. I pick up my brand new heels from the floor and also set them on the bed.
"I think I'm just gonna straighten my hair," I tell Reina.
"Your hair always looks good straightened," She says, her eyes focusing on the strand of hair she wraps around the curling iron.
I plug in the straightener and while it's heating up, I get out my small makeup bag that I have collected a few more items to and set it on my desk. I don't normally wear makeup unless it's for an occasion, so my makeup collection is still small compared to Sam and Reina. But I don't like wearing a lot of makeup anyways. I like just simple makeup that still makes my doe eyes pop.
As I straighten my hair, I start to think about how the night can go. There's a lot of different scenarios that could happen, but I try to only think of the one that ends with everyone having a good night. It's a big night for Sam and nothing should change that.
I then think of the possibility of Tre being there, which is still a large chance. I decide that I'm going to ignore him if I can, and if not, then I will be cordial. Regardless of how I feel, I don't want anything to ruin this night for Sam.
After lightly burning my index finger once on the scorching flat iron, my hair is now pin straight and falls down to the middle of my back. I look over at Reina, who know has her hair in soft curls that look like ginger silk ribbons.
Reina and I have been singing along to the music as we get ready, singing badly and off key, which makes it even funnier for us. We both don't have good voices so it's always funny when we sing songs together because we sound terrible. For one song, Reina grabbed her hairbrush and held it up to her mouth like a microphone and danced around the room, causing my stomach to hurt with laughter as I watched her be silly. It's times like these that I really enjoy the most. Everything is lighthearted and fun. It makes me forget about the problems in my life.
Once I turn off the flat iron and set it aside, I ruffle through my makeup bag, pulling out my mascara, eye liner, and two eye shadow pallets. I decide to also use my foundation powder that hasn't been touched in several weeks. Sam had shown me before on how to do a smokey eye and eyeliner, so I create a bluish grey smokey eye and eyeliner on my lower waterline. I put on mascara and some of my tinted lip balm, and then I feel like I am finished with everything besides my outfit.
I check the time on my phone and we still have roughly an hour before the showcase starts. As Reina finishes up her makeup, I go ahead and change into my dress. I had chosen a simple black long sleeve dress that goes to mid thigh. It's more tight fitting than what I am used to, but it shows off my figure without being too revealing, so I feel pretty comfortable in it. I turn around in front of the mirror to look at myself and I stand there for a moment, butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. I exhale deeply and then put in my silver dangle earrings. I grab my black, strappy heels from the bed and bend down to put them on. As I fasten them, I notice my hands are shaking.
I stand up to look in the mirror again and sigh deeply, running my hands down my dress.
"You look amazing," Reina comments from behind me.
I turn around and she is putting her gold hoop earrings in.
"Thanks. You look great too," I reply, looking at her white jumpsuit that makes her legs look long and her red curls pop even more. She has nude heels on and red lipstick that pulls the whole look together in sophistication and elegance.
She smiles and then grabs her makeup bags and walks across the hall to her room to put her stuff away.
I turn and search for the black clutch I had also got during our shopping trip. When I find it, I put my phone, keys, and lip balm inside. I don't think I'll be needing anything else besides the basic necessities.
"Can we take a few pictures before we go?" Reina asks, once she comes back in the room.
"Sure."
We both cram in front of the wall mirror and do a few poses while she takes the pictures on her phone.
"We look hot!" She says, looking at the images on her phone and I chuckle.
Once we both put on our coats, we walk out of the room. I lock the door and then we're off towards the elevators, our heels clicking and echoing down the hallway. We pass by a few students who tell us we look nice and when we get down to the main entrance, a few more people compliment us.
"Are you excited?" I ask Reina as we walk outside.
The evening air is cold against my exposed legs and I start to regret not wearing tights or another outfit that would've covered my legs more.
"Yeah I am," she replies, crossing her arms. "Are you?"
I nod. "I'm excited for Sam." I pause. "I'm also a little nervous."
"Nervous because you might possibly see Tre?"
We stop at the cross walk and wait for the pedestrian walking signal.
"Yeah, I don't know what I'd even say to him if he was there."
"You don't have to talk to him at all, Eva."
The light changes and the walking signal turns so we walk across the street and towards Main Street.
"You're right. I'd like to ignore him, but if I'm not able to then I'll be cordial. But I honestly don't have anything really to say to him right now." I explain as we continue down the street that's coming alive with the night life.
"Stay by me all night and I'll make sure you won't have the possibility to even see him," she says and I chuckle.
"That's going to be kind of impossible, but thanks anyways. I'm going to have to face him sooner or later."
"I'd choose later." Reina says and I have to laugh at her bluntness and straightforwardness.
As we walk closer to the gallery where the exhibition is, I can feel my anxiety increase with each step I take.
Be strong Eva. I tell myself and take a deep breath.
Reina and I walk for another few minutes before we get to the art gallery. A young man in a suit jacket and tie opens the door for us.
"Welcome to the Fall Contemporary Artist Exhibition," he greets us with a smile.
"Thank you," Reina and I both say and walk through the open door.
My skin immediately warms from the room temperature. There's a small lobby-like set up where people are standing around talking and a woman in a pantsuit standing in the middle hands each of us a program.
"Enjoy the exhibition," she smiles.
"Thank you," I say, taking the program in my clammy hand.
I follow Reina as we pass through the congregation of people and into where the gallery set up is. I immediately look around at the large gallery with tall ceilings, multiple rooms, and bright white lights. Canvases line the pale white walls and sculptures are placed around the middle of the room.
"Wow," I mumble at the large and impressive exhibit.
"I know," Reina says from beside me. "It's so cool Sam's here with all these professional artists."
"Where is Sam?" I ask, looking around at the people who are observing the art.
"There she is." She holds out her arm and points towards the back of the room.
I bend slightly to see where she's pointing to and I see Sam talking to a few people. Reina and I walk over there and I can see how big Sam's smile is from here. She nods at something that was said and then looks over at us.
Her eyes lights up and she smiles wide. "Hey there you guys are!"
I smile at her and give her a hug. "Congratulations Sam."
"Thank you so much for coming," she says, pulling away and then hugging Reina.
Once she pulls away she turns back to the three people she was talking to. "Eva and Reina, this is Matthew, Joel, and Marilyn. They're showcasing their work tonight too. They're also on the board for the Detroit Institute of Arts. Matthew, Joel, and Marilyn, this my roommate Eva and my friend Reina".
"Hello nice to meet you," I say, with a small smile and shake each of their hands. Reina follows suit.
"Your roommate is very talented," Joel says, his hands on pants pockets, and I nod in agreement.
"She is extremely talented. I'm very proud of her."
Sam smiles widely at my words.
"You're the one she painted." Marilyn states and I look at her kind of confused.
She points to the wall in front of us and I turn to where she is pointing. I intake a breath as I observe the large canvas where I am front and center. Sam has three other canvases, but they're not as big as the one I am in.
As I look at the painting, I don't know whether to feel shocked or happy that my portrait is the biggest canvas on this wall that everyone will surely notice. It's the most intricate, interesting piece of artwork that I have seen. It's me, but so different.
It's a close up of my face and the canvas stops at just above my chest. My head is slightly tilted with some stray hairs framing my face and my mouth is turned up in a slight smile. The background is a rainbow of colors and different brushstrokes. Red, blue, and orange shades run across my face and down to my shoulders. It's like I am a living rainbow, my blood oozing out in bright colors and dripping down my face, neck, and shoulders.
I look so happy. Which is what makes me sad when I look at this. My eyes are large and bright, like they're sparkling. It looks like there is so much life and happiness inside of me. Looking at that girl who was so happy and now knowing that I'm not that same girl again yet, it makes me sad.
I remember exactly in explicit detail what I was thinking about on the days I posed for Sam. That's what also makes me sad. I was thinking of things that aren't here anymore, they've left and been destroyed. I don't know if I'll ever have those things again.
I don't hear what anyone else is saying because I am so focused on the painting. If I could, I would've already burnt a hole in the canvas and the wall because of how hard I am staring at it.
"What do you think? Do you like it?" I turn my burning gaze away from the canvas and look at Sam, who looks nervous for my reaction.
I notice the other three had left and it's just me, Sam, and Reina now.
"I love it Sam," I tell her softly and smile at her.
"I made yours the biggest one because you're the biggest thing in my life. I want everyone to know how special of a person you are," she explains and I blink back tears.
"That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me," I admit. "Thank you."
I give her another hug, a genuine smile on my face. "I'm so proud and happy for you."
"You guys should check out the other displays," she says, her eyes darting around the room. "There's some really awesome work here. I'm gonna stay around here in case anyone wants to talk to me."
I look at Reina and then back at Sam. "Okay, we'll be around. We'll come back lot see you later."
I pat her shoulder and smile at her as Reina and I go to look at the other artwork.
"There's actually a lot more people here than I expected," Reina states, glancing around at all of the people that fill the gallery.
"Yeah, I didn't know there would be so many here. It's really cool though to see Sam be a part of something like this."
We slowly walk to another section of the gallery, looking at each canvas and sculpture we pass. The exhibition is contemporary art, but some of the pieces look more like modern pop art than contemporary. I take my time looking at each art piece. Art has always fascinated me because there so much you can do with it. The creativity and possibilities are endless. You put your emotions into your work, whatever you're feeling, you can put that into your art and make it become something so beautiful. Art transcends time. It never grows old. It's always there. It's always inspiring someone else.
As I look at the different artwork, I understand more about how provoking art is for whoever views it. It evokes thoughts and emotions inside you that you might not have ever thought about. I stand and stare at a smaller canvas in front of me. It's a facial portrait of a woman, but half of her face is blurred out. The paint is monotone black and white, which adds even more depravity to the piece. The woman's eyes look glossy, like she's holding back tears. Her stare is intense, it's like she's staring at something that is breaking her heart. She looks so lost, like she doesn't know where to go from here or how to cope with how her life turned out to be. She's lost some of herself, blurriness trying to take over, but she still looks like she has some strength in her, she just doesn't know how to use it yet.
I feel like I am the woman in this portrait. She's scared of the unknown and doesn't know how to deal with the pain in her heart. She's lost and has to figure out how to get back to how she used to be.
I don't know how long I stared at that paining but it must have been a while because when I finally look away, Reina's in another room talking to some man. I glance at the sad woman in the portrait one more time and then continue on looking at the other artwork. I spend less time looking at the pieces so I can get back over to where Reina is.
"Eva, there you are," Reina says as I finally get over to her. "This is Johnathan Walsh," she gestures to the young man next to her. "He went WSU when he was an undergrad two years ago."
I look at the young man, who appears a few years older than Reina and I, and smile at him. "Hello, nice to meet you." I shake his hand.
"It's a pleasure to meet you," he smiles. "Reina told me your roommate is one of the artists here tonight."
I nod. "Yes, Samira Wilson. She has a few pieces here. Are you also one of the artists tonight?"
He turns sideways and gestures to the canvases behind him. "I do a lot of work for the Institute and for other galleries around Michigan."
I glance up at his work. It's a monotone series of canvases that show different environments in Detroit. The biggest one of his canvases is a landscape of the Detroit skyline at night. Another canvas is of a couple walking in the rain with an umbrella next to the shore of Lake Michigan. The other canvas is a portrait of a young boy. He has a serious expression on his face like he's angry but also sad. In the background, there's abstract lines that resemble a rundown neighborhood. As I look at the portrait, the boy reminds me a lot of Tre. That look of sadness but anger at the situation he is living in. There's also a look of helplessness in his eyes that hits me right in my heart. I have to turn my eyes away to not get completely overwhelmed.
"Your paintings are beautiful," I tell Johnathan.
"Thank you," he replies, glancing at his work for a quick second. "I grew up around here so I wanted to portray different places that show what Detroit is really like."
"Well they're really beautiful and intriguing." The corners of my mouth turn up slightly and I turn my back so I'm not facing the canvases.
"Reina told me that you're one of the pieces that Samira did?" He asks.
My cheeks warm in shyness and awkwardness. "Yeah, she painted a portrait of me."
It's weird to have my portrait displayed where everyone can see me. I've never been one to love attention and have everyone looking at me.
"I'd love to see her work and speak with her."
"We'll tell her that when we go back to see her," Reina replies with a smile.
"It was lovely to meet you," I tell him and he smiles at us both.
"You ladies enjoy the rest of your evening." He says and moves to speak to someone else who was coming up to him.
Reina and I move along the room and weave through people standing around talking to the other artists.
"What do you think?" Reina asks me as we get the end of the room.
"It's really cool," I tell her. "I'm actually enjoying myself."
"Me too."
It's been nice to spend an evening someone outside of school and with people you don't go to school with. It's a nice change of scenery. Everyone is here for the artists and there is no pressure. Nobody cares about your personal life or what you've been going through. They're just here to have a good time and emerge themselves in the world of art and creativity. It's like an escape from the real world. I can see why people always want to turn to art for their safe haven and getaways.
We go back to where Sam is and see her finishing up a conversation with an older woman.
"Hey guys, how's it going?" She smiles as the woman leaves.
"Great," I say, also smiling. "This has been amazing so far. Have you been having a good time?"
"Yeah, it's been awesome." Her voice trials off. Her smiles falters and her eyes widen, staring intensely behind me.
"Sam?" I question, my eyebrows furrowed in confusion and concern. "What's wrong?"
"Oh fuck," I hear Reina mumble from beside me. I look at her and she's also staring behind me.
My body gets warm and I feel my nerves rumbling in my stomach. I intake a breath and slowly turn my head. My eyes land on the two individuals who just walked into the gallery. I forget how to breath as I watch them glance around the room, talking softly to each other. I turn back around and Sam has a nervous expression covering her face. She looks like how I probably look right now, like a deer caught in headlights.
"I didn't know if they'd show up or not," she says softly, giving a quick glance to them again.
"We knew there was a big possibility," Reina points out, frowning at Tre and Trell walking more into the gallery. "You did invite them."
"Sam," I mumble, looking at her concerned.
"It'll be okay, Eva," she mumbles back, also frowning. "We'll be alright. Everything will be okay."
I turn my head and see that Tre and Trell have realized where we are. They look at us as we look at them. I look at Tre in his fitting suit jacket and white shirt tucked into fitted black dress pants. His mouth is set in a line and he's looking right at me. I turn my gaze to the floor and then to the wall next to us. I brush my hair back behind my ears and I can tell that my hands are shaking. The temperature in the gallery feels like it's been turned up ten degrees and my mouth is getting dry.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see them walking towards us and I feel like I'm going to pass out from how hard my heart is palpitating inside my chest. I feel like I want the ground to swallow me up so I don't have to face him.
Reina clears her throat. "Latrell and Trevante, so glad you guys could make our acquaintance," she fake smiles as they come near us. "Didn't think you would actually show up with all things considering."
"Reina," I mumble but I don't think she hears me. Her sharp words don't seem to make any residue with them because Tre smiles at her. I can tell the smile is one of his fake smiles though.
"Reina, you've always such had a way with words," he tells her, mimicking her condescending tone. "It's very sweet."
She chuckles bitterly and rolls her eyes. "Kiss my ass."
"Maybe I will," he replies quickly, making her jaw tighten and eyes narrow. "How would Cooper feel about that?" Their intense stare against each other is like a fire catching and pretty soon the inferno would burn this whole building down.
"You listen here you motherfucker," she starts to say, taking a step closer to him, but Sam and I cut her off.
"Reina."
"Please not right now," Sam says, putting a hand on her arm to make her step back towards her.
I look at Tre who's gaze is still burning holes into Reina, but Trell is saying "Come on man, chill out" to him.
Reina simmers down, but is still glaring back at him. This huge room just got even more awkward and uncomfortable, so much so that I can't handle it. I feel like I'm being suffocated.
"I'm going to get some water," I mumble, feeling lightheaded.
I quickly turn and go towards the front of the gallery where they are serving water glasses.
I grasp the glass in my shaky, sweaty hands and take a couple of sips. The cold water relives my dry mouth and constricting throat. I look back over to them and Reina has walked off and Sam and Trell look like they're talking. Tre isn't there anymore so he must have walked off as well.
I take a couple of deep breaths and internally tell myself to calm down. I don't want to ruin this night for Sam and I don't want anyone else to ruin it either.
Once I feel like I'm not going to throw up or pass out, I make my way through the gallery again. Sam and Trell look like they're in very serious conversation so I steer clear of them and walk to a different part of the gallery to try and find Reina.
The gallery is filled with light chatter and soft conversations. I walk through one room and don't find Reina so I keep walking. I go into the room with the portrait I was staring at earlier and I find myself gravitating towards the painting again. I look at her sad face again, wanting to see something else in her eyes. Like how to deal with uncertainty and what to do when you're so overwhelmed on how to move forward.
I stare at her in desperation.
Give me something, dammit.
"If you stare any harder at it you'll burn a hole in it."
My pulse quickens and I intake a sharp breath at the words spoken right behind me. I grip my glass tighter and turn my head at Tre, who's now standing next to me.
I look back at the paining and swallow hard. "It was really rude what you said to Reina," I tell him the first thing that came to my mind.
"She's the one that was rude first," he says, turning his body more towards me.
"And that makes it okay to stoop to her level and be rude back?" I ask, glancing at his face that doesn't hold an ounce of any regret.
"It's always an eye for an eye with you," I mumble and look down to my glass that is half empty.
"So are you more mad about that than what happened between us?" He asks and I take a drink of my glass.
I tap my nail on the glass and bite my lip. "I'm not that mad anymore."
I'm not sure if what I had thought earlier was the truth or not, because I feel an irritation inside me that can very well still be a simmering anger towards our situation.
"Can you please look at me?" His voice has a hint of desperation.
I look at him and his eyes bore into mine.
"I don't believe that for one second," he tells me, knowing when I'm bullshitting him.
"I don't know what you want me to say Tre," I say softly and shrug my shoulders.
"I feel like I can't do any right by you," He scoffs and shakes his head.
"You broke my heart Tre. I don't know what else you want from me," I tell him pointedly.
"You think that you're the only one that's heartbroken here?" He asks, his eyes narrowing. "You left me, remember?"
"Yeah, but I didn't hear any objections from you when I walked out that door," I fumed. I take a sharp breath, my heart beating faster and my body temperature rising. "I didn't see you running out after to come and find me."
I am clenching the water glass so hard as if it will shatter in my hands. I shake my head and I am growing mad at myself for the tears that are coming to my eyes.
"You didn't even try," I tell him, my voice cracking because of how much it hurts me to know that he didn't try to make me stay and work this out. "So no, you don't get to imply that this is all my fault."
"You ignored me when I tried to call and text you," he says. "What else what I was supposed to do? You wouldn't talk to me."
"Because I had nothing to say to you. The damage had already been done."
"I could've tried harder, but you could have to," he points out. "I know I fucked everything up, but you completely shut me out."
"And that was exactly what you did when you decided to lie to me." I mumble and try to step away from him but he grabs my arm, not roughly but enough to make me stop in place.
"Evangeline."
"Let go of my arm, Trevante," I glare at him and he quickly lets go.
Hearing him call me Evangeline always stirs something up inside me. That's why I wish he wouldn't call me that anymore. I don't want him to touch me either cause his touch always feels so good.
"Then don't run away from me," he says in a softer tone. "I don't like it when you do that."
"Yeah, well we all don't like a lot of things," I tell him and sigh. There's so much tension in my body that my back is starting to ache.
I am trying to not be angry anymore, but it's so hard looking at him and knowing how much things have changed. Knowing that we both made mistakes and did so much damage that seems unfixable. I thought I wouldn't be mad anymore once I saw him again, but it keeps simmering inside of me. I don't know what I'm still mad at, but it hasn't gone away yet. I think I'm still so hurt that it's making me feel angry and bitter.
"Are we ever going to be able to move forward from this?" Tre asks and I shake my head.
"I don't know. I don't even know what else to say to you."
He looks down and bites his lip in thought.
"I'm sorry," he says, almost in a mumble.
I freeze up, my attention on him and the words that just came out of his mouth.
"Evangeline, I'm sorry for what happened. I'm so sorry for fucking everything up."
His mouth is tight, like he's nervous, but his words sound sincere. Tre doesn't apologize often, so I know it took a lot for him to say that.
I look into his eyes and see how sad they are. Both of us can tell in each other's eyes just how broken we both are. It makes my stomach clench and I feel nauseous seeing the pain in his brown depths. We have done so much to each other. If we really loved each other, how could we have broken each other so easily? How can you break and hurt someone that you love?
"I'm sorry for what I had said to you that night," I tell him, feeling a little relief from off my shoulders.
"I know I deserved most of it," he remarks.
"That doesn't make it okay though," I mumble, feeling bad for the vile words I had spat at him.
There's a moment of silence between us. I shuffle my feet nervously and stare at anything but him. The awkwardness is suffocating.
"Will things ever be okay between us?" He asks and I look up at him. "Will we ever go back to how we were before?"
The unknown is a scary place. We don't know what will happen tomorrow, let alone ten seconds from now. We will never know how our future is supposed to go and what things will happen to us. The not knowing has always made me nervous. That's why I always asked questions and was curious, because I hated not knowing what can happen. And that notion still terrifies me now.
"I don't know," I tell him honestly.
I don't know a lot of things. It's becoming a new thing for me.
"Do you still love me?"
"It's never been about not loving you, Tre," I inform him and shake my head. "It's so much more than that." I swallow hard and my heart aches as I say these words. "But sometimes love just isn't enough."
He nods slowly and looks down. "But do you still love me?"
"Does it really matter now?" I ask him.
"It matters to me."
"I'll always love you Trevante," I tell him and then pause. "But I can't be with you. I can't go back to how things were before."
It kills me to say this him and see his mouth fall into a frown. My heart is being broken all over again, but I know that this is the right thing to do. We could never go back to how we were before.
"You'll always have a part of my heart," I say softly. "But there's so much wreckage. And love isn't enough to fix it."
Relationships are more than just love. There's trust, honesty, communication, and understanding. But if you don't have all of those together, the relationship will not work. You need to have a stable foundation that's built from trusting and supporting each other. You need to properly communicate and understand your partner. If you don't have those things, love will never be enough to mend or stabilize your failing relationship.
Tre's jaw tightens and his glaces at the canvas on the wall before looking back at me. "I'll always love you."
Now it's my turn to say it, like he always did to me.
"I know."
This feels like the end, but then again it doesn't. There are still things that feel unfinished, but I don't think that we'll be able to continue on to try and finish them. We both have already put each other through so much, I don't know how much more we can take. I don't know how much more my heart can handle.
"I guess that's it then," Tre mumbles, staring holes into me.
"I guess so." My mind is all jumbled with thoughts and emotions, I can't think straight.
I turn to walk away from him and this time he lets me.
"Evangeline," he says when I get a few steps away from him.
I turn around to look back at him and his intense stare that still heats up my body in more ways than one.
"You look beautiful tonight." The corners of mouth turn up in a small smirk.
His words resonate throughout my body and my muscles clench. I forget how to breathe for a moment. His smirks grows more as I stand silent, trying to get my swirling mind together. He knows exactly the effect his words still have on me.
I bite my lip and then look up at the man that I'll always love.
"Goodbye Tre."
I turn my back to him and walk away, feeling his eyes bore into my back as I walk through the crowd of mumbled conversations. I focus on the loud clicking my heels make against the floor. A single tear rolls down my cheek and I don't make a move to wipe it.
It feels like the first time when I left him standing alone in his apartment. Walking away with him watching me walk out of his life. Except this time, it feels even worse.
I now know that there's nothing else left to say. The damage has been done. The pieces of our hearts have been shattered and our walls have been put back up. Just like a broken plate on the floor, even if you try to put it back together, you won't be able to put it back the same way.
Nothing will ever be the same again.