Please don't hate me.
Songs:
Way Down We Go - KALEO
Deliver Us - August Alsina
Set Fire to the Rain - Adele
...
Behold, I, even I am bringing the flood of water upon the earth, to destroy all flesh in which is the breath of life, from under heaven; everything that is on the earth shall perish.
~Genesis 6:17
I never believed in Karma. I thought that things just happened the way they were supposed to and that it was God's will. Everything had a purpose and reason. I'd pray over my decisions and ask for clarity and peace. I'd pray for my future and that my life would turn out how it is meant to be. I was always excited about my future. I had my mind set and my dreams within reach. I could almost taste them, they were so close. I was ready to start a new journey and go towards my destiny, reaching my full potential. I thought I was ready for anything.
God, I was so naive.
It doesn't matter how good of a person you are, bad things will always happen. No matter how much you pray and treat people kindly, there will always be something that tries to tear you down. Life isn't perfect. It hasn't been perfect since Adam and Eve. Eating the forbidden fruit, we were all cursed to live among the darkness. We turned our backs from God and lived among so much evil and sin that he sent a flood to wash away all of the impurities that overran the world. To start anew, humanity has not learned from its past mistakes. It's in our human nature to be destructive. We can try being the light but some people don't want to see the light. Everybody has their own selfish intentions, and you'll lose yourself trying to find the good in them. You can't help everyone, it's not possible.
Little Evangeline had no idea what was going to come into her life, what would invade in her thoughts and soul, turning her whole world upside down. She didn't realize the mistakes she had made in the beginning, mistakes that she'll now have to pay the price for. Everything has consequences.
"I don't understand," I speak to Tre, surrounded by the uncomfortable feeling that I had felt all day. "Why would I hate you?"
"For what I've done." He turns away from the window and faces me, his facial expression is hard to read. It's almost blank of any emotions, but I can still see in his eyes that there's a lot swirling around in the dark depths.
"You're starting to scare me," I whisper, feeling nerves run through my whole body. I never wanted to be scared of Tre. He never gave me a reason to, but right now, I am afraid of what he is going to say. I am afraid that whatever he says will completely change everything I have known and believed.
"I can't hide this from you anymore." He shakes his head slowly and he frowns. "Not now."
"Are you in trouble?" I ask hesitantly. "You're not making any sense Tre."
I take some steps closer to him but he moves backwards towards the window. I stop in my place once I see him backing away from me.
"Trevante?" I mumble and slightly tilt my head in confusion.
"It's better if you keep your distance from me," he mutters.
"Now you're really scaring me," I remark. "Please tell me what the hell is going on?"
He turns back to the window and I stare at his form that is now tensed up. "When I was a child, I saw a lot of bad shit," he says, his voice muffled from the window. I step a little bit closer to him so I can hear his words better. "People died everyday. You couldn't go a day without hearing gunshots in the neighborhood. You grew afraid to even go out of the house because you might not come back to it. A lot of good, innocent people were killed, friends and neighbors. The people you'd see everyday going to work and school and then one day you'd never see them again. I witnessed some of them getting killed from stray bullets that were fired so carelessly and selfishly, just being at the wrong place in the wrong time." He shakes his head and scoffs. "It was like everyday something bad was happening."
I stand there and listen, a frown setting on my face and my heart hurting for him, for that little boy who had to witness so much destruction and violence. Who didn't have a way to escape that environment.
"Sometimes guys would walk down the sidewalk with guns in their hands. Just one wrong look could get you put six feet under. You always had to be on guard and mind your business. That's why I was so afraid for my mother. It was just her, me and my brother Daniel. My father wasn't in the picture for me. He left my mom when they found out she was pregnant with me." He scoffs and shakes his head. "He said he never wanted another child, that I was just a mistake. So he left us behind to fend for ourselves in that neighborhood. I never asked my mom about him because I was so angry that he had left us. I thought he was a coward, leaving my mother to raise two children on her own. I always wanted to protect her. I wanted to get her out of that neighborhood." He looks down and I can see in the window's reflection that his eyebrows are furrowed and his mouth is in a tight line. "But I couldn't even do that. I was afraid that she'd get shot outside but she ended up dying inside our house from an aneurysm. How fucked up is that?" He swipes a hand over his face and I stay silent, taking in everything he is revealing to me.
Tre had opened up more on his childhood and life in his violent neighborhood, but I never imagined that it was that bad. You don't ever truly know how other people live until you witness it or have some experience within it. I've become to understand that Tre doesn't like to talk about his past because that means reliving every horrible experience he had. He would much rather not speak about it, but he keeps going. There's so much to his story and he's not done yet.
"After her death, my brother and I got separated. I was taken in by Trell's mom. She already had four other kids to take care of by herself because their dad was in prison, so my brother was taken in by one of our neighbors. I didn't see my brother much after that day we were separated. He was three years older than me so we weren't ever that close. Nobody cared about us enough to try and get us out of there together. Our societal system was never meant to help us. It enabled us to keep living in our own demise. It eventually got to the point where the police didn't come around much anymore because things were so bad there. Nobody cared and nobody wanted to try to help fix the issues because they thought it was a lost cause.
"Trell's mom died when we were in high school. She had gotten really sick and passed away when we were 17. His siblings were older and moved out already so it was just me and him then. We were on our own because we were 17 and considered to be adults. At that time, I hadn't heard from my brother in years. Later, I was told that he was in prison for possession and theft. I never went and visited him because I didn't know what to say to him. I hadn't seen him in so long and so many things had changed, it didn't seem right for me to go and see him. I barely remember him now."
I am unable to totally comprehend everything Tre is telling me. There is so much pain and suffering that it is difficult to encompass all that he went through. His voice never falters, it doesn't have a lot emotion, like he's trying so hard to not feel and show how his life really affected him.
He turns around to face me again and I feel myself gravitating to the dark waves crashing in his eyes. The waves are big, harsh and full of anger. "I lost so much. I grew up being so angry because I felt abandoned. I was left behind to continue to live among the violence and that made me so irate. I lived with so much anger and hatred inside me. I wanted everyone to pay for what they had taken away from me."
He pauses and I feel a change in the room. It becomes darker and intense, like one wrong move can make the whole room shatter. I clasp my trembling hands together and inhale deeply, not ready or prepared for what could be coming right towards me.
"When Trell and I were in high school, we met some people. They were just like us, angry and vengeful. The more we hung out with them, the more we saw how our life could be likeâgetting exactly what we wanted," he explains. "But before we could consider going through with it, we got accepted into WSU, which we had applied for on a slim chance that we'd actually get in. We didn't believe we would get in, but Trell and I wanted to see what it was like to get out of that environment. So we went here and tried to make ourselves better. But it was hard, harder than we ever thought. After what we had experienced and witnessed throughout our lives, it's difficult to get out of the kind of mindset that you will never win at anything. That you'll never be able to truly get away from that suffering because you've been dealt the shit cards in life. It has felt like ever since we were born, we were always destined to lose. We were never meant to win."
Like his writing pieces that I had read, Tre always felt like he was being punished. He was locked inside this prison of despair for years and was not able to escape. Living in his own version of purgatory, he had to suffer alone and in silence.
"Last year, we saw those guys again. There were more of them this time, they were bigger and stronger. They had power, so much power that people in the neighborhoods feared them. They had friends in low and high places so they got whatever they wanted. They said we'd be set for life, if we joined them."
"What?" I ask, my eyes widening and my body stiffening. "You and Trell joined a gang?"
"Almost," he mumbles and looks down.
"What do you mean almost?" I say in a louder and harsher tone.
"You don't just say you want to join a gang and then you're automatically in it," he explains, looking up at me. "You have to do things to earn your place there."
"Oh okay, so you're just being recruited for a gang then. Huh, is that it?" I start pacing back and forth in place trying to process what he just revealed to me. I then stop abruptly and look at him completely dumbfounded. "Trevante, how you lost your fucking mind?" I scream at him, throwing my hands wildly up in the air. "What were you thinking?"
I turn my back to him, unable to look at him and the guilty expression covering his face. I put a hand on my forehead, feeling a headache coming and my mind starts to spin in circles.
"I had nothing to lose then, Eva." His voice sounds sad and almost defeated.
"What about me?" I quickly turn around to him, my eyes blazing with anger. "You have something to lose now! Or am I just not important to you that you'd even consider me and what I want in this?"
"Once you start, you can't stop," Tre tells me, shaking his head. "They won't let you."
"What have you done for them?" I ask pointedly, crossing my arms over my chest. "What have you had to do to earn your place?"
He's silent for a moment. "I can't tell you."
"Bullshit!" I yell. My eyes narrow at him and I feel my body start to shake in anger. I put my hand over my mouth and I shake my head, unable to believe what is happening. I look down, my mind going miles a minute until I come to the horrific realization. It hits me like a bullet, making me sick to my stomach.
"Oh my god," I whisper shakily, looking up at him and taking a step back. "It all makes sense now."
I look at him in disbelief, unable to believe the man I am looking at. "It was you." I swallow hard. "Who's been robbing those stores, burning and destroying places in the city. That was all you. That's why you've been so secretive and leaving at random times. There's investigators out looking for you right now."
I can see the guilt in his eyes and that's all I needed to see to know the truth.
"Eva." He goes to try and grab my hand and I quickly snatch my arm away.
"No!" I shout at him and back up towards the couch, needing more distance from him. "You don't get to touch me and try to make me think differently about this!" I don't even know how to act right now. I am so astounded and I can't wrap my head around what's happening. I don't know if I want to scream my lungs out or cry my heart out.
"I can't believe you would do this," I tell him and put a hand on my forehead, trying to ignore the lightheadedness I feel. "You hurt people Tre. Why would you think this is okay?"
"I didn't hurt anybody." He tries to say.
"No, you just stole from them and made them terrified of you," I interrupt with a bitter tone. "Held a gun in their face, made them afraid for their life so they'd give you whatever you wanted. You and Trell both. That's what you did."
I am unable to fathom the words I am saying. I can't believe I am actually saying this. I never thought I would be in this position. You never know until it happens, and then you're stuck wondering why and how you could've avoided this whole problem.
I try to think back to the times where I didn't notice the secrecy or the times that I did notice but didn't question. I try to think of different scenarios and outcomes for this moment and it just makes my mind even more jumbled and aching.
"I gave you everything," I whisper and bite my lip to keep me from shedding any tears. "I gave you everything of me and this is what happens?"
I feel my body become possessed with anger and I put my hand on top of my head. I want to rip my hair out. It's like something else is now taking over my body and I have no control. I feel betrayed, I feel played, and I feel disrespected. After all of my honesty and love for him, I feel disregarded, like I didn't matter to him.
"I'm so sorry," Tre says, trying to walk closer to me but I back away from him, not wanting to be anywhere near him because I don't know what I will do if he is close to me. I'm not a violent person or one to physically hurt someone, but right now, I don't trust myself to not do something that I will regret later.
"Oh you're sorry?" I question, glaring daggers at him. I then chuckle bitterly. "Sorry about which part? Joining a gang, stealing from people, or lying to me the entire time?"
"I didn't lie to you."
"No, you withheld information from me," I drawl out. "That's just as bad as lying to my face."
I look down for a minute to collect my raging thoughts and then look back up at him, shaking my head. I scoff and slowly take a few steps closer to him. "What I don't get is how you can continue to look right in my face every day and not tell me what you had gotten into. How you can just keep this from me. Did you not ever feel the need to tell me?"
His jaws clenches and he swallows hard. "I didn't know you would become as important to me as you are."
"You thought I was just going to be another girl that you can screw and then toss away when you were done with her?"
"No! Stop putting words in my mouth," he says defensively. "You know that's not what I meant."
"I don't know what you mean anymore," I scoff and shrug my shoulders. "It's like I don't even know who you are."
"You know me," he says in a softer tone. "You know me better than anyone."
"Obviously I don't if I didn't know about what you were doing!" I yell, tired of hearing him say the exact same things he always said to me.
"I couldn't tell you!" He yells back. "I wish I had never done it, but I am stuck in this now!"
Hearing him yell only makes me angrier because I should be the only one yelling at him. He doesn't have the right to yell at me when this is his fault. After everything I did for him, this is how it's going to be. This should have never of happened.
"I made a mistake and I'm paying for it."
"We all make mistakes," I tell him. "But not like this." I shake my head. "Not like this. What you've done, it's inhumaine Tre."
"I was alone. I didn't have anyone else to think about," he explains, the vein in his neck popping out. "It was just me and I didn't care what would eventually happened to me. I had nothing to live for. I felt like I had nothing left, so I made a decision."
I run my hand over my face, trying to get my emotions under control but it's really hard to. There's so much bubbling up inside me and this is the first time I have felt so much rage inside of me, I feel like I don't even recognize myself.
"I just don't understand how?" I think out loud. "How can you do these things when you know that they're wrong."
"You don't understand," he says in a frustrated tone. "I don't have a choice now."
"Yes you do! You always have a choice," I tell him. "You always have a choice and you made the wrong one."
I feel like my mind and body is going into overload. I don't know what to think or feel, there's so much running through me it's hard to keep up and process. The more I think about this and try to comprehend it, the sicker I feel. My stomach is churning and my body feels so warm, it's almost like I can already taste the bile that I want to spit out.
"I feel sick," I grumble and put a hand over my mouth. My stomach continues to churn. I shake my head, feeling tears start to come to my eyes.
"How can you say you love me after you spent this whole time lying to me?" I ask him, feeling a tear fall down my cheek. "Do you even love me or was that all a lie too?"
"Don't be like that," he demands, his eyes hard. "Don't question my love for you."
"I have to if I have to question everything else you've done and said to me?" I state. "What else did you lie about Tre? What else didn't you tell me?"
"I've told you everything," he says. "This was the only thing I kept from you. I didn't keep anything else from you."
I glare at him. "I guess now I have a hard time believing that."
I try to take a deep breath. My chest feels heavy, like I am drowning in the water I had jumped into to get to Tre. But now, I am sinking, reaching out for him but he's not within reach. He's on the shore watching me struggle, watching me drown in the harsh waves that pull me under into the darkness. There's such a weight on my chest, it's hard for me to catch my breath.
"I gave up everything for you," I mumble and then scoff. "I let my parents disown me for you."
"Oh now they're your parents again?" He quizzes. "Not just people who share your DNA?" He eyes get darker and I feel both of our angers battling in the room.
"Don't even try to pull that shit, Evangeline," he spits out. "You were better off without them. Your parents were nothing but racists and hypocritical idiots who did more damage to you than you want to admit."
"You don't get to keep throwing that in my face," I say. He knows how much my parents hurt me and how difficult that time was for me. He also knows how much it hurts me to not have loving, kind parents that want to be around and support me.
"What? I'm just speaking the truth. That is what we're supposed to be doing here right?" He asks mockingly with a smirk. "Being open and honest with each other?" Now he's being cruel, throwing what I value and asked of him right back in my face.
"Why don't you be honest with me about how your parents fucked you up so much that you can't do anything for yourself? Admit it, you are so terrified of being rejected and not good enough for anyone that you'll do anything to please someone. You are so naive that you can't see what's right in front of you."
His anger-fueled words pierce right through my skin like knives and go straight to my heart. Hearing things that are emotion driven and possibly have some truth to them, hurt a lot more than straight lies. It also hurts hearing them be spouted off from the person who you thought you loved so deeply. Now we're just saying things to hurt each other, no matter if they are really true or not.
"I really don't like you right now," I cry out, my feelings hurt and my confidence bruised from his venomous words. I hastily wipe away some of the tears that are falling onto my cheeks, but I don't say anything to answer his bitter questioning.
"I'm not a big fan of you right now either," he says with his teeth clenched. "You're not even considering my side of this."
"How can I when you've been lying to me since the very beginning?" The tears keep on falling and I can't stop them.
"I didn't lie to you!" He yells in frustration with both of his hands clenched at his side.
"Yes you did!" I yell back, tasting the saltiness of all of the tears that stream down my face. "How can I believe anything you say now?"
"How could I tell the love of my life of the crimes I had committed?" He snaps. "How can I tell her what I did when I knew that she would end up leaving me like everyone else in my life?"
His voice wavers with emotion and I stay silent, unable to come up with a response.
He turns around to the window to avoid my glaring eyes. "How can I look into your eyes and see that I crushed all of your dreams? I couldn't do that to you."
"That wasn't your decision to make," I tell him, sniffling. "You don't know what I would've done then."
"You would've left like everyone else."
"No, you- you don't know what I would've done Tre," I stammer. "You just assumed the worst in me. Is that what you really think of me? That I'd run away at the first chance I got?"
I am hurt by a lot of this. After everything that we've been through together since August, how could he think that I would give up on him? I tried so hard to show him that I was here for him and I wasn't going anywhere no matter how hard things got.
"You know how I feel about you," he softly responds.
"Then why couldn't you trust me!" I wail, feeling my whole heart shatter and splinter inside my body.
He turns around to face me and I see a single tear down his cheeks. "I don't know."
"You didn't want anyone to tell you what to do!" I point and walk closer to him. "You thought that you could do whatever you wanted and nobody else mattered. It's all about Tre. You only cared about yourself!"
"I had to be like that to survive!" He bellows. "You will never understand what it's like to be in my life. You will never understand any of it!" His loud voice rings in my ears and I am too worked up to back down from this.
Tre spreads his arms out wide. "Take a good look Evangeline, this how it is! This is what happens to people who grew up like me! We were born into destruction and that's what we always become. We always do something to destroy everything that we have! I can't help that I am the way I am. And I'm not apologizing for doing what I believed, at the time, was the best thing for me."
I look away from him. I can't see the expression on his face that shows guilt and regret because then I'll eventually cave. I am one to compromise and problem solve, but this time is different. Tre not only lied and withheld vital information from me, he also misjudged and disrespected me. And for that, I cannot yet forgive him for. By his own selfish actions and deceitful agenda, he hurt me more than I ever thought he could.
"I don't know how I can forgive you," I tell him honestly, my heart aching with each breath I take.
"I'm not asking for your forgiveness," he replies. "I know I don't deserve it. I am asking you to put yourself in my shoes and try to understand why I did what I did."
"I can't." I shake my head. "I can't do that."
"Yes you can." He walks so he only a few feet away from me now.
"No Tre, I can't!" I snap and he stops. "Because I would never do what you did."
When I think my tears are done and my cheeks are drying, more start coming, like my body has not yet gotten out of all it's emotions. "I would never even think of doing the things that you've done."
I look at Tre and he's looking at me. Whenever I cried before, he wouldn't look at me because he didn't ever like seeing me cry. He would always find ways to distract me and dry my tears. But now, he's staring right at me, watching me cry because of him.
"I don't know what else to say," he admits, his eyes are sad but he doesn't make any move to try and comfort me.
"That's a first," I scoff and wipe my tears on my sleeve. "You don't have anything else to say to me? You're not even going to go try and fix this?"
"What can I say that would change your mind?" He asks. "Anything I say won't make a difference."
Yes it would. I am so angry, I am furious at him, but I would be willing to keep trying with him if he wanted to. I have always shown him that I am here and willing, now it's his turn to show me.
"Do you just not care now about what happens to us?" I question, feeling my heart fall deeper into a black hole with each word I say. "After everything that we have been through together, you don't even want to try anymore?"
I can see him starting to shut down, pushing everything away and becoming cold, emotionless because he doesn't want to show any hint of weakness that is affecting him right now. I can see him reverting back to his old self and that scares me more than everything else he has said to me.
"Fuck you Trevante," I hiss at him, my body igniting again in total rage. I get closer to him to where I am standing right in front of him, only a few inches separating us. "Fuck you for lying to me. Fuck you for hiding this from me. Fuck you for making me fall for you. Fuck you for disrespecting me after everything I've done for you. Fuck you for being such an asshole that you will always end up alone because nobody else can stand to be around you. And fuck you for making me think that you really loved me back!"
"I do love you," he tells me and I sob into my hands.
"No you don't! Because if you really loved me you wouldn't have done this! This isn't love!"
The more I look at him, the angrier I get. I hiccup and become enraged as I look at him through my blurry tear-filled vision. I feel like I am about to pass out, my adrenaline is running high and I am so overwhelmed with emotions. My mind is jumbled and I can't distinguish where things went so wrong with us and why this is happening now.
"What did you do?" I put a hand on my forehead and whimper. My body is now on overload, barely keeping myself afloat. "What did you do!" I scream and push him hard away from me. I crouch down, clutching my hands over my head and releasing sobs from my throat. "You ruined everything!"
Sobs wrack through my body and I place a hand on my chest that feels like it's going to burst.
"I wish I could take it back," I hear Tre say but I ignore him. I can't listen to what else he says because it's not going to change anything. The damage has already been done.
I feel his hand on my shoulder and I abruptly stand up.
"Don't touch me!" I exclaim, smacking his hand away from me. "You have no right to touch me anymore."
I stare at him, the man who had completely changed my life, the man who now broke everything inside of me. Like God in Genesis, he destroyed the earth with one simple action. One decision and everything changed. The world perished and life was never the same.
"I hate you," I whisper, my bottom lip quivering and my body trembling. "I hate you."
"Evangeline-"
"Don't call me that!" I cry and move away from his advances towards me. He grabs my hands to pull me closer to him and I pound on his chest hard with my fists.
"Let me go! I hate you!" I wail and keep hitting his chest. "I wish I had never met you!"
He loosens his grip and I quickly move away from him. I breathe heavily and I let out a sob. I look at his now stoic facial expression, shaking my head, and then slowly start to walk backwards. I close my eyes and turn away, unable to look at him anymore. I swiftly walk away and grab my purse off of the kitchen counter. Tre doesn't make any moves or sounds as I leave. I feel his eyes beating into my back but I don't turn around again to look at him.
Once I get my purse and my coat, I go towards the door. I don't even hesitate, I open the door and walk out of the apartment, slamming the door shut behind me. I jog towards the elevator and rapidly push the down button. Once the doors open a few seconds later, I get in and place my back against the wall. I quiet my cries in the silent elevator and wipe the endless tears away. I check my phone and I see I have two missed calls from Sam and one from Reina. I put my phone back in my purse and I walk out of the elevator once I get on the main floor. The lobby is silent and when I walk outside, the night is pretty quiet. I start to walk back to the dorms, not caring that it's 10:30 at night and it's really cold out. I just want to get back to my dorm and forget about this terrible night.
I walk quickly towards campus and I feel some of my tears have stuck to my face from the cold. Each step I take away from Tre's apartment, I feel my heart breaking more and more until it's nothing but tiny pieces. I don't remember getting on campus or going inside the dorm hall and heading straight to the bathroom once I get on my floor. My mind is hazy and I feel like I am having an outer body experience.
I shakily put my hands on one of the sinks and I look in the mirror, staring at my tear-stained face and red swollen eyes. I close my eyes to try to get rid of my blurry vision. I lower my head and bite my lip to keep my cries in. I feel like my legs are about to give out. I quickly go into one of the showers and turn the water on hot. I get in the shower with all of my clothes on and collapse against the tile wall, sliding my back down the wall until I am sitting on the floor, soaked. I sit there for a moment, before putting my face in my hands and screaming. There's no one else in here to hear my muffled screams, so I cry amongst the hot steam and purge all of my pain out. I scream and sob into my hands, grieving for the loss of everything that I thought I knew. I don't even notice the hot temperature of the water that is almost almost too much for me to handle. I just want to feel something besides this ache that's sitting right in the middle of my chest, making it hard to breathe.
I pull my legs up to my chest, gripping my cross necklace sitting on my neck, and I look up at the ceiling. My tears mix with the hot water. I stare at the water raining down on me in the white fluorescent shower light and then I take my necklace off and clasp it in both of my hands together.
"Please God. I need you. I need your help." I shakily whisper. "Give me clarity and your grace."
I think back to everything that has happened these past few months and I sob. "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me." I clasp my hands together so tightly that the cross digs into my skin. The pain doesn't phase me. I bring my head down and rest my forehead against my hands.
I whisper prayers to myself and I ignore everything else around me. I don't feel the scorching water soaking my body and I don't feel the pain in my hands from clasping my cross so tight. I don't even feel the aching in my chest anymore. I take harsh inconsistent breaths and my whole body is heavy. It hurts my head to process the pain running throughout my body, so I stare at the wall, letting my mind go blank. The real world slips away from my peripheral vision.
Now I am numb. I am a blank canvas with no artist. A barren desert with no sun. A starless night. Crashing among the powerful waves of despair, I swallow salt water, filling my lungs with the burning pain of exhaustion and sorrow. It's like now I am at the bottom of the ocean, drowning into a peaceful darkness. I float, weightlessly, looking up at the light that is slipping away as I slowly become encompassed in the cold, dark trench. There's no escape. I am bound by the lies and pain. I am unable to swim towards salvation. So I stay in the darkness, surrendering my soul, and praying to God to help me see the light so I can breathe again.