"You know what I've noticed?" Sam asks me as we're both sitting on our beds, watching Netflix on our small screen tv that's sitting right in between our two windows.
"What have you noticed?" I ask, crumpling up my crackers wrapper and tossing it into the trash bin next to my bed.
"You haven't been reading your bible as much as you used to," she says. "I mean, not that that's a bad thing or anything like that. It was just something I noticed because you took it with you everywhere you went."
I look over to my desk where my bible is sitting on top of it near the wall by my other textbooks.
I sigh. "Yeah, I don't know. I haven't been feeling like reading it as much anymore."
I don't know why but I have not felt the want to pick it up and read the scriptures that I already know by heart from having to memorize them when I was back home growing up. When my parents ask me if I'm still reading it everyday, I tell them I am, but I really haven't read in a few weeks now. I feel guilty about not telling my parents the truth, but I know they'll get angry with me if I tell them I haven't been reading. I don't want to see the disappointment on their faces and then hear them tell me that I need to do better.
"You can read something else," Sam tells me. "You don't have to read the Bible, if you want something else that's spiritual, you can read that instead."
I appreciate her wanting to support and helping me. I hadn't really noticed that I wasn't reading it, which is surprising because I read it all the time. I don't know how I didn't notice I stopped picking it up to read.
"I don't know how to explain it Sam, but I don't think I even want to read anything spiritual right now."
I'm trying to get my thoughts together but they're all jumbled and I can't pinpoint what I'm thinking or feeling about this right now.
"It's okay to not to want to read that stuff right now. You've read the Bible through and through how many times now?" She asks and then continues. "You've memorized probably every single line in that thing and can read it with your eyes closed. It's okay to put it down and take a step back from it. You don't need to read it when you already know everything in it."
I rub my forehead. I can feel a headache coming on and I sigh again and turn on my side to face her.
"I feel guilty for it and lying to my parents about it."
"You're feeling guilty about something that your parents forced you to read and shoved down your throat your entire life?" She asks, raising an eyebrow.
"You wouldn't understand," I weakly say. "It was all that I knew and did. And it was such a huge part of my life up until like three or four weeks ago when I didn't feel the same way about it anymore."
"Four weeks ago like when you happened to start being with Tre?"
I look directly at her. From the look on her face, she knows she just hit the nail on the head. Since I started to spend more time with Tre, I haven't felt the urge to pick up and read scripture.
"Since him, I haven't really thought about it," I admit.
"Because you're not alone anymore," Sam states. "You're doing and thinking about other things and you're with someone who doesn't make you feel lost or alone. Your Bible was your comfort zone, but now your comfort zone is Tre."
It all makes sense to me now.
"Honestly," I start. "I'd rather have Tre as a comfort zone."
She smiles and chuckles. "I know. I don't blame you. Trell is mine too."
I shake my head. "This is so crazy."
"It's not crazy, Eva. You have something else now that makes you happy and that's great. Your religion doesn't have to overrun your life. You can follow and believe whatever it is you want to because you're not under your parents anymore."
She looks at me and smiles again.
"It's your life. You're an adult on your own, you can do and feel whatever you want."
"I don't want to upset my parents."
"They'll get over it. They can't control you anymore. They're not here."
"I think I'm going to put my bible on my shelf for now and take it off my desk," I tell her after a few minutes of thinking to myself. "I don't need it right now."
She smirks. "Then do it instead of telling me."
I get up out of my bed and go to my desk. I pick up the heavy leather back book and run my fingers over the cover and engraved title letters. This went everywhere with me. Every day, every night, I brought this and read. It comforted me and gave me things to think about and learn, but I feel like being here, away from my parents, I'm learning new things every day that are more important. I don't want to completely stop reading it, but I think now I'll only read it when I feel like I need to. Right now I don't need it.
I put it on the shelf above my desk and fit it in with some other books I have up there. It'll always be there when I need it, but it's time for me to focus on something else. There is more to life than reading the Bible all of the time. And I want to find out and explore other things that can make me feel happy.
My phone buzzes from my bed and I go and check my notifications. I smile when I see Tre's name pop up in my messages.
Tre. The biggest thing that makes me happy.
~*~
"Hey are you guys almost ready?" Trell yells out from the kitchen.
"Yeah we're coming!" I yell back to him from Tre's room.
I slip on my coat and grab my purse while Tre sits on the bed and finishes putting on his shoes.
"You got everything?" He asks me when he stands back up and puts on his black coat.
"Yeah, do you you?" I say, shoving my hands in my coat pockets.
He grabs his wallet off of his dresser and shoved it into his back jeans pocket. "Yeah, let's go."
I follow him out of the room, turning off his overhead light and we meet Trell and Sam in the living room.
"Ready?" Sam asks, getting up from the couch.
"Yep," I answer.
The four of us make our way out of the apartment building and into the brisk evening. It's the beginning of October, so the evening's are starting to get colder. I zip my coat all the way up and grab Tre's arm as we walk down the street. He brings his hand up and grabs mine, our finger interlocking. I can't help but smile every time our fingers intertwine. I like having his hand against mine.
"So where are we going?" I ask Sam and Trell, who are a few steps ahead of us.
"Taqueria La Perlita," Sam turns her head quickly back to us and says in perfect Spanish.
"Your Spanish is getting better Sam," I note.
"Thank you," she giggles. "I've been starting to practice for when I travel to Spain this summer."
"Could I fit in your suitcase?" I ask jokingly and Trell turns to us when we stop at a crosswalk.
"Hey, the only person who's fitting in her suitcase is me," he says and wraps his arm around her shoulder and kisses her cheek.
"Well good thing you're already coming with me cause I don't think your big ass shoulders could fit in my suitcase anyways," she retorts and I laugh at Trell's hurtful expression he has on his face.
"Why you gotta hurt Trell's feelings like that?" He playfully cries, clutching his heart and gasping dramatically, which causes Sam to roll her eyes.
"Why you gotta talk about yourself in third person stupid?" She pokes his side and he flinches away.
Tre and I snicker and giggle at their playful arguing and watch as Trell smacks Sam's butt when we start walking across the street.
"Hey!" She squeals. "Not until later okay." She winks at him and we all laugh, continuing to walk down the street for another block until we stop at a small restaurant. The small sign Taqueria La Perlita is light up in neon yellow letters overhead and Trell opens the door, gesturing for Sam and I to walk in first and then him and Tre follow behind.
The atmosphere is warm and busy, with almost every table in the small restaurant filled. Sam speaks for us and gets us a table. We file into the last booth that's in the corner, me and Sam go sit in first and Tre and Trell sit on the outside. I notice Tre and Tell both scan the room briefly and once they overlooked the entire restaurant, they give each other a nod. I look to Sam to see if she noticed and she has her eyes already focused on the menu. I look at Tre and he looks at me and smiles, making me forget about what I just noticed.
We all order our food and when we get our drinks, Sam throws the paper from her straw at Trell and it hits him in the temple.
"Will you cut it out with your annoying ass?" He groans and throws his own straw paper back at her.
"You love me," she drawls our and kisses his cheek, with him mumbling under his breathe about how he loves her.
I chuckle at their exchange and Tre puts his hand on my thigh, rubbing his thumb in circles. I place my hand on top of his and take a small sip of my water, trying to hide my smile. I can't help it, every time I feel his touch I always want to smile. I think I'm just happy to feel any touch from him. It always makes me feel warm and safe.
Right when our food comes out and we all start eating, Tre looks to the bar that's across the room from where we're sitting and he gets Trell's attention. He slightly cocks his head towards the bar and Trell looks in the corner of his eyes and then nods. They give each other a look and then Tre turns to me.
"We'll be right back okay?" He says and I see Trell whisper something in Sam's ear.
"Okay," I shrug and watch them as they both get up and go towards the bar.
Me and Sam both watch as they walk up to a man in a black leather jacket who is sitting at the bar with his back turned to us. He turns towards Tre and Trell but they're standing in front of him, blocking the view. I see them do a type of handshake and they do it to the other two men who were also sitting at the bar next to the leather jacket man. Everyone's back is turned so I can't tell what's going on or what they're talking about.
"What did Trell say to you?" I ask Sam.
"He just said they were going over there for a minute and they'd be right back," she replies, sipping her soda.
"Do you know any of those guys they're talking to?" I ask her and she shakes her head.
"I haven't seen any of them before." She shrugs and I look away from them in case they eventually look back here.
"Hmm," I mumble and start to pick at my chicken taco.
Sam and I continue to eat without them and talk about the movie we just found a few days ago called Lights Out and when we want to start watching it.
"I think we should watch it tomorrow night so we all can watch it together."
"That's fine," I say and right after, Tre and Trell come back and sit down.
They don't say anything at first and act like they didn't just randomly get up and talk to some strangers in the middle of our dinner.
"Who was that you were talking to?" I ask Tre and he perks his head up.
"What?"
"Who were you talking to?" I repeat and he shrugs.
"No one worth talking about," he replies and then quickly kisses my cheek.
He goes back to eating and starts a conversation with Trell about the game last night. I give a puzzled look to Sam who just shrugs and I go back to finishing my taco, for now, letting go of the mysterious conversation with the man in the leather jacket.
~*~
"You wanna watch a movie?"
I gasp and look up at Tre, startled.
"Sorry," he apologizes and comes near me where I'm sitting on the edge of his bed. "Didn't mean to scare you."
"It's okay," I chuckle and run my hand through my hair. "I was just lost in my thoughts for a minute there."
I was thinking about before at dinner and what happened. Throughout the rest of the time there and on the walk back, I couldn't stop thinking about it and I don't know why. I don't know why it's bothering me so much, but it just seemed so strange to me. Tre and Trell were acting secretive and that's the first time I've seen them like that. They were acting like they had something to hide, like they couldn't let anyone else know about it.
"What are you thinking about?" He sits down next to me and rests his hand on my thigh.
I bite my lip, contemplating if I want to ask him again. If I ask, there's a good chance he probably won't answer and will deflect the question like earlier and act like it didn't happen.
He chuckles and gently pokes my temple. "Alright, what's going on in that head of yours?"
My thoughts are swirling around and I don't know what to ask him.
"Have you," I start and swallow hard. "Have you noticed I haven't been reading?"
I couldn't ask him the main question I wanted to ask. So I went with the second thing I was wanting to talk to him about.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, have you noticed that I haven't been reading my bible as much? Not like I how used to?"
His eyebrows furrow in thought. "Now that you bring it up, yeah you haven't been reading as much. I don't think I've seen you touch it for a while now."
"Sam said the same thing," I reply. "I didn't notice until she pointed it out."
"Do you want to read it still?" He asks me and I shrug, looking down at his hand rubbing small circles on my thigh.
"I don't know," I mumble and then look up at him. "Does that make me a bad person?"
He chuckles and shakes his head. "Eva, you could never be a bad person."
"But is it bad that I don't want to read it anymore?" I ask him, looking back to my lap. "Am I a bad person for not wanting to?"
"Babe, look at me."
I slowly look up at him and meet his serious eyes.
"You're not a bad person because you don't want to read your bible anymore. That doesn't make anyone a bad person. You know that book inside and out, you don't have to keep reading it if you don't want to."
"I feel like I'm disappointing," I trail off, unable to finish my sentence.
"Disappointing who?"
"I don't know." I shake my head. He wouldn't understand. I don't even understand what all I'm feeling.
He sighs and takes my hand. "You think you're gonna disappoint God?"
I close my eyes and eventually nod my head.
"Eva, you can't disappoint God. Doesn't it basically say in there that everyone is perfect in his eyes?"
"You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect," I softly recite Matthew 5:48. My parents made me memorize this one the most. They said God was perfect so I should always do everything I could to be perfect too.
"The Bible is a book that gives wisdom and guidance if you need it. It can be there for you, but it doesn't have to be your whole life," he explains. "You're not disappointing anyone if you don't read it. You're still a good person, no matter what."
"It's hard for me to not think that I'm disappointing someone," I admit to him. "I'm always so scared that I'm gonna end up a disappointment and a failure."
I finally look up at him, feeling very vulnerable in this moment. "My parents scared me into thinking that I was going to end up failing if I didn't be their perfect daughter and do everything they told me to.
They used to lock me in my room when I did something wrong like when I didn't finish doing all of my chores. I remember one time when I got a B on one of my tests and they grounded me and told me I couldn't come out of my room unless it was to eat and go to church. They said they were so disappointed in me, God was disappointed in me, and that I should've done better. According to them, I should've known better.
And then once when I asked if I could wear some clothes that was shorter than what I always wore, they took my phone away and told me that nobody would ever respect me or want to be with me if I wore what all the other girls wore."
The whole time I'm explaining to him, Tre keeps holding my hand. Gently squeezing sometimes and rubbing the top of my hand with his thumb. He just listens and doesn't say anything.
"So I stopped asking and questioning things because I was scared of them. I didn't want to be a disappointment so I always got straight A's and did whatever it was that they wanted from me. I didn't realize how much they ran my life until I came here." I look up at him. "And when I met you."
"I'm scared of what they'll say if they find out about all of this."
Tre's silent, thinking about everything I just told him.
"They can't hurt you anymore," he says.
"You haven't met them," I tell him and shake my head. "They always find some way to make you feel like complete crap."
"But if you don't let them, they can't have control over your life. No one has control over your life but you. You decide how your life is, Eva."
He turns me to face directly at him. "Listen to me, you will never be a disappointment or a failure. It's okay to be scared because life is fucking terrifying, but no matter what happens, you'll never be a failure. Even if you think you are, you'll never be one in my eyes."
He then smirks. "Evangeline Rose West and disappointment don't mix."
I softly chuckle at his statement and then sigh. "I put my bible back on my bookshelf. I'm not going to read it for a while and see what happens and how I feel."
The corners of his lips turn up. "And that's okay. Do what Eva wants to do and Eva only."
"Eva now wants to kiss her amazing and very thoughtful, considerate boyfriend," I tell him and smile at the smirk that comes to his face.
"Her thoughtful and amazing boyfriend can do that."
I laugh as he tackles me back onto the bed and starts attacking me with kisses all over my face. I wrap my legs around his waist and when his lips finally connect with mine, I forget about what I had confessed to him.
Everything he said was right. It's gonna take me a while to get over my fears, but knowing I have Tre with me makes me feel less anxious. I'm not going to tell my my parents about me not reading my bible anymore. I'm also not going to tell them that I have a boyfriend. That's another topic not up for discussion with them yet.
One step at a time for me. And I'm taking these steps by myself now, no one else but me.