"I'm sorry."
I already feel like I let myself down because I can't think of any other words to say. I can never fully think and form words when I am around Tre. His presence alone makes my head spin.
I bit my lip and fiddle with my fingers, nervous to what he could say. He could say whatever is on his mind and he could very easily hurt my feelings, again, like usual.
But he doesn't say anything at first. He keeps staring at me intently like he's trying to figure out everything in my head. I wish he really could read my mind so I don't have to say anything and most likely embarrass myself, yet again.
He keeps looking at me and I finally break eye contact, moving around him and resting my elbows on the concrete ledge, looking out over the campus. The mist feels refreshing against my face that cools down my never-ending nerves. He always makes me nervous.
I wait to hear if he's going to walk away but it's silent. I haven't ever known him to be the guy who walks away, but anything can happen with him. He's so unpredictable and I can never figure out what he's thinking or what's he going to do next. He's been a mystery to me. A mystery I haven't even gotten close to figuring out.
I pick at a loose thread on my sweatshirt sleeve and suddenly I hear him turn around.
"You always turn away from me." His voice is mumbled and I could barely hear him when he said it.
I look over my shoulder and he walks to stand beside me.
"Every time you're near me, you turn away," he starts and brings his hands out of his jeans pockets, resting his arms also on the ledge. "Am I that repulsing to you?" A small smirk joins on his lips and I can't help but chuckle at him.
My cheeks warm from the thought that Tre is anything but repulsing. I clear my throat and run a strand of hair behind my ear, looking over at him. His eyes are now looking across the campus, squinted in a way like he was searching for something out on the horizon.
"I'm sorry for what I said."
He looks over at me and I swallow hard, trying to get my dry cotton mouth moist.
"I know you are." He simply says and goes back to looking at the scenery.
I struggle to find other words to say. I want to explain myself and tell him how terrible I feel, but I'm afraid he's going to be short with me and not listen. He doesn't seem like he wants to talk at all.
"Um, why are you up here on the roof?" My voice is quiet so I don't think he heard me. He's still staring across the campus so I go back to playing with that loose thread on my sweatshirt.
"I like to come up here to think." His voice is soft against the misty silence and he turns his head to look at me. "It's always quiet."
"That's why I'm always in the library because it's so quiet," I reply.
"You're always in the library though," He remarks and turns his body towards me. "Even when it's a nice day and the dorm isn't loud. You're always here."
I don't know if I should be flattered that he notices things about me or a little creeped out that he knows what I do.
"Am I that predictable?" I ask.
He lightly chuckles and bites his lip, his cold and serious demeanor starting to diminish. "Yeah, it's not that hard to figure you out."
"It's hard to figure you out." I point out. Tre's like a 10,000 piece puzzle that would take years to finish putting all of the pieces together. He never reveals anything about himself. I don't know if I would ever be able to figure him all out in my lifetime.
He shrugs. "A lot of people are hard to figure out."
"Are you ever going to answer definitively? Because you always avoid the question."
"You didn't really ask me a question." He smirks and I sigh. He chuckles, knowing that he can easily get under my skin.
I groan. "You are the most irritating person I have ever met in my life," I shamelessly admit.
"Sounds like a compliment to me, Evangeline." His smirk again pokes fun at me.
I stop. He called me Evangeline again. I smile.
"Why do you always call me Evangeline?" I question him. "Everyone else always calls me Eva."
"I don't know." His shoulders shrug up and down. "I think you have a beautiful name," he replies and I smile, looking down.
"Thank you." Before my cheeks can start blushing, I run my hand across my face and push a piece of hair back behind my ear.
"I like your name, Trevante. I've never heard that name before."
"My mom really liked the name." His arms tense up, like he didn't mean to reveal that information. His mouth tightens in a frown. That's the first time he's said anything about his family. Although, I haven't really said much about mine either. I don't have a lot to say about my parents. I'm starting to realize the more time I'm away from them, the happier I have been. I would never tell them that though.
"So what else do you like to do Mr. Rebel?" I ask teasingly, trying to steer the conversation to a lesser serious topic.
"You think I'm a rebel?" He turns his head and smirks.
I nod. "Am I wrong?"
He chuckles. "No, you're not."
"I didn't think so."
"Do you always have to be right?" He mockingly asks me, like I had questioned him before.
"Yes, I do actually." I agree, going along with his teasing this time. "I have to be right 98% of the time."
"What about the other two percent?"
"The other two percent is for you. Cause you're going to need an extra percent for how wrong you always are."
He actually laughs this time. His laugh is a mix of a deep chuckle and a gaping mouthed laugh.
"Damn, only two percent I get?" He says in between his laughs.
"I'm doing you a favor Tre," I point out, smiling as I hear his deep laugh.
"Thank you Evangeline," he jokingly bows with one hand behind his back. "Much appreciated."
"You're welcome, Trevante."
Our laughs eventually diminish, but the air between us was now without tension and awkwardness. The earlier fight today was left behind and Tre and I kept talking.
"What book were you reading down there?"
"A Walk to Remember."
Tre shakes his head. "Never heard of it."
"It's a romance novel."
Tre groans. "Of course it is."
"Hey it's actually a really sad love story."
"How?"
"You should read it yourself," I start. "But it's about a high school boy that's a rebel and he ends up falling in love with the shy, religious girl who's unpopular. But the twist is she's dying of leukemia and they only have a short amount of time left together."
"Sounds like the cliche love story." Tre shrugs nonchalantly. "Nothing special about it.
"It's sad because they fight through their adversity of being opposites and nobody wanting them to be together, but in the end they are because they won't ever find anybody else who loves and understands them they way they do for each other," I explain and Tre looks like he's thinking.
"It's very beautiful and tragic," I add.
"Much like life, huh," he says and I nod in agreement.
"Yeah, unfortunately."
It's kind of weird, but we never run out of things to talk about. Tre always has something to say. And when I grow quiet, unable to find something to contribute, he comes up with something else, never making it awkward. I feel like I am an extremely awkward person, but Tre never makes me feel like that. He used to make me feel that way, but the more time we spend together talking, the less of a jerk he is and the more he shows how nice of a person he is. It's a big turn from what I originally thought of him. I never thought that I would be able to have real conversations with Trevante Newman. But he has surprised me. I wonder if I ever surprised him at all?
The lights of the library eventually go out and Tre and I are left in the dark besides the light from the lamps around campus that give the roof a small glow. We eventually migrated to sitting on the ground and leaning our backs up against the ledge.
"If you could visit anywhere in the world, where you go?"
Tre rubs his jaw and then scratches his head. "I don't know. I'd probably go to a beach or some shit like that. What about you?" He looks over at me. "Where would you go?"
"I'd go back to Botswana." I answer without even thinking about it.
"Why?"
"Because it's a beautiful country. I loved traveling there and working with the people." I smile, thinking back on the memories I have of two summers ago. "It was an eye opening experience and it's what made me want to get into medicine. Giving help to those who really need it and seeing the benefits of it first hand, I don't know, it just made me want to be a doctor and continue to help anyone who needs it."
"That's amazing actually." Tre says.
"I want to travel everywhere I can in the world. Helping give medicine and not. I want to see as much of the beauty of the world that I possibly can. And I want to spend the rest of my life doing just that."
"That's an amazing dream to have."
I smile, looking at him. "It's always been my dream."
"You could actually change the world."
"That's the goal. Even if it's just one person, I'd want to make a real difference in their life in some way."
His eyes lock on mine. "You will."
His eye contact this time makes me feel different, like he's actually speaking right to me in my soul. I get goosebumps on my arms and I shiver. It's probably from the cool air that is getting colder with each minute we spend sitting out here.
"You getting cold?"
"Yeah." I rub my hands down my arms to circulate some warmth and to get rid of the goosebumps.
"You want my jacket?" He offers.
I shake my head. "No thank you. I think I should go back to the dorm." And leave before anything awkward or embarrassing happens. I've had enough of my nerves for tonight and need to rest my mind. Talking to Tre after, a while, does make me a little less nervous, but there's still always that nerve that is waiting for me to slip up and make a fool of myself in front of him.
"I'll walk you back." He gets up and reaches a hand out for me.
I stare at his hand for a few seconds, before placing my hand in his. It's surpassingly really soft and warm. I stand up and he lets go of my hand, much to my disapproval. As we walk down the stairs, I shouldn't be thinking about the way his hand felt against mine, but I can't help it. I can think about this right now, but once I have school work to do, I have to stop those thoughts and remain focused.
It's silent as we walk down the dark stairwells. I make sure to keep a hold of the hand rail, the entire time so I don't trip, and follow behind Tre as he seems to know how to navigate this place in the dark. It feels spooky being in the library after hours with no students and when it's mostly dark, besides a few of the red exit signs.
We walk out of the building and through the dimly lit campus. I haven't ever felt unsafe walking back to my dorm late at night, but having Tre walking next to me does make me feel more comfortable since it's almost a 10 minute walk to my dorm.
Tre and I don't talk a lot as we walk back. I have run out of things to say to him today and he seems to be off in his own world, thinking hard about whatever is in his mysterious mind. I look over and he's staring straight ahead, with his lips crinkled in a frown and his jaw tightened. I want to ask him what he's thinking about, but I don't know if I would want to know the answer. I don't think he'd give me any answers anyways.
We get to outside of my dorm and I turned to him. "Thanks for walking me back."
"Yeah, no problem." He puts his hands in the center pouch of his hoodie.
"I'll see you in class on Wednesday?"
He nods.
"Okay," I slightly smile. "Good night Tre." I turn to walk inside and I head him over my shoulder when I get to the front doors.
"Good night Evangeline."
Good thing my back is turned from him so he can't see my smile as I walk inside. I feel like I got to know Tre a little bit better tonight. I'm glad he was t mad at me anymore, even though we didn't talk about it. He never mentioned it and I didn't want to bring it up anymore, so I think we're going to be fine.
The more time I spend talking to him, the more feelings I start to get. Even he doesn't feel the same way I do, I would still want to be friends with him because he's a nice guy and I enjoy our conversations.
Sam was right from before when she said that Tre has a good heart. He's smart and is caring to those who are in his life. She said the more time I spent with him, the more I'd start to see those things about him. She was definitely right. It's always something new, but every time I talk to him, I learn something new about him. Maybe I'm just really observant and think a lot about things, but I hope he's learned some things about me too.
To Tre, I am an open book. Easy for him to read and figure out.
Him on the other hand, he's different. He's the most difficult book I've tried to read. I can't seem to get past the first page yet. He has a lot of pages and chapters, but if I could, I would spend his next two years here at school trying to read every single word on his pages. He seems like there's a lot to say. His pages are begging me to read them, so I can understand all of him, the real Trevante. The Trevante that nobody sees.
Right now he's hidden, like the moon during the sunlight. But maybe mixed and trusted with my own stars, his pages will finally be freed.