I am me because God made me that way. God makes everyone the way they are supposed to be. If you ask me why I believe in God in the first place, I would say that I believe in God because I have no reason not to believe. I have witnessed miracles and impossible things in my life that have made me believe in a higher power. My brain will not think of another way that we are here on this earth. My rationality is everything has to come from somewhere and has to be created. But in order for things to be created, there has to be a creator or maker. That's why I believe.
I also believe because I was raised to believe. I grew up in my church and my family was very strict on religion, so I didn't know anything else besides religion. I believe in most things that my parents believe, but there are things that are different that I believe in that they don't.
As I have come to college, I have noticed myself questioning things more. Being away from home and what I have known for so long, I am constantly questioning if what I think and believe is what I should really be believing. I understand life outside of my religious bubble. I have already gained new experiences that I never thought I would and I am eager to see what will be coming up next in my life.
As I walk around campus, I ask myself why I am so shy and independent. Other people have a lot of friends and social lives while I only have two and don't have much of a social life, if you call doing homework on the weekends and reading my bible a social life. I sometimes wish that I was different. I wish that I wasn't me and was someone who was more outgoing and prettier. I wasn't allowed to speak about my looks at home and I was always told to look presentable and professional, even when at home. Now, I feel more insecure than I have ever felt in my life. I feel lonely and homesick. I am doubting myself and not thinking clearly. I am trying to keep my focus, but when I se run mind on something, I can't get rid of it, even when it gives me all the reasons to not think about it anymore.
Maybe I'm not doing this assignment right or maybe I'm thinking too much into this. I always overthink. It's hard not too when you've been surrounded by one constant thing your entire life.
I want to learn more and I want to be more than I am. I am Evangeline Rose West and I want to be someone who makes her name proud. When I look back on my life, I don't want to have any regrets. I want to look back on my life and be proud and happy for the things I accomplished and the memories that I made. Have I gotten there yet? No. Will I eventually get there? Hopefully.
"Alright everyone, please turn in your assignments." Professor Garrett says as students send their papers to the first row.
I grab the stack of papers in my hand and then nervously place my paper on top. I don't know if I did the assignment right. I hope I did. Maybe I got too vulnerable. I just wrote what was on my mind and so much came out I couldn't stop it from flowing onto the paper.
"I look forward to reading all of these." Garrett takes the stack from me and sets it in his desk.
"Okay so now we're going to get into the more scientific approaches to philosophy-"
The door to the lecture opens and everyone, including me, looks behind and sees Tre walk in. He's five minutes late. He hasn't been late in a few weeks.
Tre walks to the front row where he has started sitting and sits few seats down from me. I look down to my notebook as he sits and don't look over at him as class continues. I can't look at him and stare anymore. I can't even think about him. Not after this weekend.
I felt like I could feel his eyes on me during class, but I didn't look over to see if it was true. I kept my eyes to my notebook or to the board where Garrett was writing down the notes. I don't know if could focus more when I was taking looks at Tre or if I was trying to not look at him because feeling his eyes on me made me more nervous and lose my concentration. I had rewrite some of my bullet points a few times because I kept losing focus on what was being said.
When Garrett dismisses class, I hope that Tre doesn't walk up to me. He shouldn't want to talk to me when he can talk to other pretty girls. He can get any girl he wants, why would he waste time trying to talk to me?
I finish writing down my last note and I hear someone sit in the seat next to mine. I slowly look up and see the brown pools.
"Hey."
I bite on my bottom lip before saying "Hey" back. I don't know what else to say to him.
"How was your weekend? Did you go to the party? I didn't see you there."
I spent the rest of the weekend moping in my bed and trying to not shed tears over the image of Tre and that girl at the party. Reina and I left the party early. After she was done dancing with the guy who asked her, she could see that I wasn't having fun and so we left. I decided to tell her on the way back what happened and I ended up almost crying about it. She hugged me when we got back to the dorm and sat on my bed with me as I vented my feelings. I didn't cry, but I really wanted to.
"But I saw you." I look up at him and then back down to put my notebook in my backpack.
"When?"
I stand up from my seat and put on my backpack. "I don't know, just when I got there. I saw you but you didn't see me." I put my hands in the pockets on my sundress and then make eye contact with him. Maybe he can see the hurt in my eyes but I can't tell. "And I ended up leaving a little bit after I got there."
"Oh," Tre pauses. "Why didn't you stay longer? I was trying to look for you there?"
"Because I didn't want to be there anymore Tre."
I didn't want to keep seeing him with that girl. Every time I looked over at them I was just torturing myself. How could I stay longer and watch him keep being with someone else. I don't even want to know what happened at the end of the party with them.
Tre looks down like he's sad and thinking. Students are now starting to come into the room for the next class.
"Goodbye Tre," I say and start to walk out of the room. Though I feel like I'm walking out of having him in my life.
"Wait! Evangeline!" He calls from behind and I try to walk faster to avoid him but he catches up to me.
"Hey," he grabs my arm to stop me from walking any more and moves in front of me. "What did you see?"
His brown pools are concerned but I think I can also see some guilt.
"It doesn't matter what I saw," I say defensively. Why would he even care?
"Yes it does," he says softly.
"Why?" I say loudly and shrug. Why would he care if I saw him with that girl? He can do whatever he wants and he doesn't need me to care.
He's silent for a moment and rubs his head like he's trying to figure out what to say.
"I'm sorry," He finally says and his eyes send the apology right to mine. It sounded painful for him to say that because he probably doesn't ever apologize to someone.
"You didn't do anything wrong Tre." I can feel my eyes starting to well up but I force the tears back down. I can't let Tre see me cry over him.
"I can tell I did something. You can't even look at me."
"It doesn't matter anyways." I brush off what I'm feeling and put my shaky hands on the straps of my backpack.
"It does matter Evangeline. You matter to me." He steps closer to me and I take a step back.
"I matter to you?" I quiz him. "You don't even know me Tre. You can do whatever you want. I don't know why you're trying to keep talking to me when you can talk to anyone else here?"
He frowns. "I guess I'll stop then."
I regret what I just said and wish I hadn't said it. Seeing the defeated look on his face made me feel like a horrible person.
"Have a nice day Eva." His tone is bitter and he walks past me, brushing his shoulder to mine.
I stand there frozen and in shock of what just happened. What have I done? I'm a horrible person. I shouldn't have been so mean, he was just trying to be nice. He looked like he was actually hurt from what I said to him. That's what kills me right now knowing that I hurt him. I didn't mean to, I just don't understand why he's want to talk to me. I'm the last person who he'd talk to.
I walk back to my dorm room sad and defeated. I feel so bad for blowing up at Tre. I shouldn't have let my feelings get in the way. I shouldn't even have feelings for him to begin with. This was l just a little silly crush that shouldn't have happened. My parents told me to not get distracted and I did without a doubt in my mind. He's just a distraction. I have to get over him. I'll apologize to him, but I won't be thinking about him other than is finishing our project together. Once the project's done, I won't ever have to see him again. That sounds like a good plan to me.
Sam isn't in our room when I get back and I'm thankful so I don't have to talk about any of this with her. I don't think she'd understand or she would probably take Tre's side and think I was being rude. She's normally pretty understanding, but when it comes to people she's friends with, she's loyal and takes their sides. Maybe I can just avoid telling her altogether. If I don't show anything's wrong then she won't ever ask.
I pull myself together and open my backpack to start on my homework. I always have homework in all of my classes. Everyday the professors always give more things to work on at home, even when we already have other assignments to do too. I decide to start with my organic chemistry since that's my most challenging class and takes me the longest to do. I always do my homework from most challenging to the easiest. It's better to get the hard stuff out of the way and do the easy ones later.
I work on my homework while listening to 89.5 on the radio, but as I'm attempting to solve through these equations, I keep thinking back to Tre and what I said to him. I don't like being mean to anyone so me saying what I did to him makes me feel terrible.
He didn't even call me Evangeline like he always does. He called me Eva. I don't like hearing Eva come from his mouth. I like Evangeline. My name sounds special in his mouth and I don't like hearing anything different. That's how I know he was really upset because he didn't say Evangeline. Hearing him call me Eva was like a slap to my face. I actually hurt him. The guy who I didn't think had much feelings, was actually hurt by what I said. But why would he care about what I said if he didn't believe it was true?
I cracked one of the stones Tre always has up around him. I could tell there was a stone wall that he keeps up high when I first met him and he didn't talk about anything personally to him. He never reveals anything about his personal life. He's always focused on me and how I am and never talks about him. We all have walls that we have built up around us to protect ourselves from the outside forces that try to hurt us, but I think I just made a small crack in Tre's wall. I could see the crack in his eyes that showed the true effect my words had on him. I was just like how he said. I was just like everyone else who never gives him a chance.
It takes me two hours longer than normal to finish my homework because every time I try to work on a problem I go back to thinking about earlier today. I keep replaying the words inside my head and each time I replay them, they sound worse. I really wish I could take them back. I just got so irritated, I couldn't help it. I had to say what's been on my mind. He deserve it though. Yeah, he hurt my feelings when he danced with that girl at the party, but that's my fault for having a crush on him. I shouldn't have even got a crush. It's done nothing but distract me from my studies. I can't disappoint my parents more than I already have by this, so this needs to stop. My crush needs to be done and forgotten about. It's for the best.
I put my textbooks and notebooks away on my shelf and decide to go the library. I have three hours until the library closes so I'll spend the rest of my evening there reading. I'll probably finish my novel I've been reading from a few days ago. And I'll make sure to send Tre a text apologizing to him when I get there. I'd like to apologize to him in person but I don't think he'll want to talk to me if I approach him.
I put my WSU jacket on that I bought my second week here and sling my bag over my shoulder before walking out of the dorm. It's not very cold tonight like it's been the last few days, but I can tell it's about to get colder as the weeks turn to into fall. Some leaves are starting to fall from the trees and the crunch of the leaves under my feet bring me back to when I was younger. I always loved jumping on leaves and hearing the satisfying crackling sound every time. I loved seeing the ground littered with the colors of the sunset. The colors would ripple like a reflection on the water when the wind carried the leaves away and into the bright blue sky filled with white puffy clouds that looked like marshmallows.
There weren't any marshmallow clouds today. It rained earlier so everything was cloudy and damp today, much like my mood right now. My feelings are like the rain clouds who drop tears down from the sky. Knowing I hurt Tre. The last thing I wanted was to hurt anybody's feelings. This is why I don't talk to a lot of people. I'd rather be silent than to say something that hurts feelings.
I absorb some of the cloud tears as I walk to the library and I make it inside just before a downpour starts. There's only a few students scattered about here and there. Everyone probably stayed inside to avoid the rain.
My converse squeak as I walk to my favorite place. It's the only place in the library that is the most quiet. It's away from everyone else and has a nice view of campus from the window that I always look out of and daydream. No one is sitting in the set of chairs that seem more comfortable than my dorm bed, which isn't a surprise. Nobody is ever up on the third floor of the library because all there is is old encyclopedias and almanacs that seem like they never get used. I sit in the left chair I always sit in right next to the window and grab my novel from my bag. I curl my legs up towards my chest and open my novel, getting lost in the words.
After a few pages of reading, I set down my novel and grab my phone from my pocket. I slowly unlock my phone and go to my messages to Tre's name. I hold my thumb over his name for a moment before getting the courage to press down and go to our messages. I delete and redo my message six times before I am feeling alright about my message.
Tre, I would like to sincerely apologize for what I said earlier. I didn't mean what I said and I shouldn't have said it at all. I don't know what I was thinking but it wasn't right and I hope you can forgive me. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm so sorry.
-Evangeline
I read it over multiple times before forcing myself to press send. He might not even look at it but at least I have given him an apology. I wish I could tell him that in person. My nerves are at an all time high and I set my phone on the chair arm. I go back to my book but every few seconds I'm looking at the dark blank phone screen, waiting for it to light up with Tre's name.
It never does.
~*~
I am on the last four pages of my book and the library is now deserted besides the one worker at the front desk. I'm always one of the last ones in here. I don't mind it. I like the silence and the quietness. The dorm can get loud a lot so I'm able to concentrate and get my mind focused here in the silence.
The pitter patter of the rain against the windows is calming and puts me at ease. I love listening to the sounds of rain. Hearing the little raindrops dropping from the sky and falling onto the ground is soothing and I like to watch the raindrops run down the windows like they're having a race to see who can get it the very end first.
I finish the last page and I want to cry after reading the heartbreaking words of a romance that didn't get to flourish. I sigh and put my book on my lap and stretch my arms up after being crumpled in this chair for a few hours. I didn't even realize how late it had gotten. 11:15. Almost time for the library to close. Three hours since I messaged Tre and no response.
I lay back against the chair and my eyes start to feel heavy. I'm about to shut my eyes when my phone screen lights up. I quickly grab my phone and my stomach drops when I see Tre's name.
Come to the roof
What? I look around the deserted library and am confused. How did he know I was even in here at this time? I would have seen him if he was here.
I pack up my stuff and walk towards the stairs at the back of the place. I've never been to the roof before but when I get in the stairwell I can see the stairs go all the way up. I trudge up the stairs, wondering why Tre's on the roof, and as I get closer to the door to the roof, I get nervous.
I take a deep breath before grabbing the handle and turning it, opening the door and feeling the cool night air blowing against my skin. I walk out into the night sky that's hazy from the rain and don't see Tre at first. I walk more onto the roof and then see Tre standing by the side with his black hood up, looking over the ledge. His back is to me but he turns when he hears my footsteps walk towards him. His face is blank of emotions but his eyes seem serious. I continue to walk closer but my nerves make me want to go back down the stairwell.
His hand goes up to bring his hood down, revealing his dark eyes that never leave me, watching me walk to him. I stop a few feet in front of him. I open my mouth to say something but my mouth is dry and I struggle to find any words to speak.
We stand there in silence, looking at each other amongst the mist in the air. I feel like Tre can see right into my soul, knowing and feeling every emotion I am right now. I go to open my mouth again, this time, hoping I can say everything to him that I want to.