Fear sank in my stomach. Everything was white. And it wasn't just like a white room. I mean it was bright white. Like everything was glowing steadily. I had once read that if you saw all white there was a chance you could go blind. I sure hoped that didn't happen right then.
I could feel someone standing next to me. She looked like Richelle, but something told me she wasn't.
"Hi, Sadie." Her voice was Eva's. It was Eva.
"Eva?" My voice broke.
Eva looked down at me, her soft smile filling the room with sunlight. "Hello, little sister. I've missed you."
"I've missed you too-"
"Help!"
I whipped my head around to see who had cried out. Richelle. Her green eyes were frantic. "Help me!" She cried, clawing at the side of what I assumed was some sort of ledge. Leading down to what, I had no idea. I wasn't even sure I wanted to know.
I rushed to her aid, not sure what to do. "What do I do?"
"Anything!" Richelle said, her voice panicked. "Please!" Her fingertips slipped and I grasped her wrist with everything I had. I couldn't let go of her.
I frantically tried to grab hold of something behind me, but Eva was standing several feet behind me. "Eva!" I screamed. "Help me! She's slipping!"
Eva didn't do anything. She just stood there, watching us.
"Eva!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, my throat raw. "Eva, help me! Please! You can't do this! She's your sister!"
Eva just stood there.
"Eva!" I screamed again, desperation filling my chest. "Please! Help me! Her- She's slipping!"
"Sadie, stop," Richelle said quietly.
I turned back to her. "No! No, I'm not letting go-I can't... I can't lose you."
"No," Richelle said. "You can't hold me up. Let me go. Please."
"No," my voice broke. "I love you. Please don't make me. I don't want to let go."
"You can't hold me," Richelle smiled at me. Then she swung her feet against the side of the cliff.
"No, please," I begged. "Don't."
"I love you, Sadie," Richelle gave me one last smile. And pushed off.
"No!" I screamed as she fell into the abyss.
Tears streamed off my cheeks as I sobbed, banging my fist on the ground. It hurt, but I didn't care. She was gone. My sister was gone.
"Oh Sadie," I could feel Eva's hand rubbing my back.
"Why didn't you save her?" I whispered over and over.
"Oh Sadie," Eva said. I could feel her bending down and slipping her arms around me. I wanted to pull away, out of anger, but I couldn't force myself. "God won't keep your heart from breaking. But I promise you he'll be there when it does."
I woke up, gasping for air, sweat plaguing my entire body. I took gasping breaths, trying not to wake Jazmine or Sierra, but also trying to get the adrenaline rush to my head cleared out. God, my brain was racing so fast. And my head. My head was pounding. I clutched my head, trying in desperation to get the pounding under control. As my head calmed down slowly, Jazmine began to stir.
"Sadie?" she whispered into the darkness. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," I said quickly. Apparently too quickly for her taste, because she sat up. I could feel her watching me intently.
"You don't look okay," Jazmine told me, her voice soft.
I shrugged. "I'm fine."
"Come on," Jazmine took my hand and gently led me over Sierra to the bathroom, where she turned on the lights and stood in front of me. "What happened?"
Jaz was one person I knew I could trust. So I spilled everything. About Richelle's diagnosis, about the dream. Everything. And I'm not going to lie, it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
That's what I loved about Jaz. She just got it.
As it turns out, it was eight in the morning. I couldn't believe I had slept that late. I never sleep that late!
When Sierra woke up, we had breakfast and spent about an hour with each other, then Jazmine's mom picked both Jaz and me up to take us home.
I walked in the door and breathed in the peachy scent of the candle Mom always has lit in our living room. There's this one candle Mom is practically in love with called "Georgia Peach". She has stockpiled thirteen of them. It's a bit disturbing.
Richelle sat on the couch, her leg resting on the coffee table, crutches on her left side, and numerous bottles of pills on her right.
"What the heck..." I whispered. "Are these all yours?"
Richelle looked at me sheepishly. "Yeah. Most are for nausea, but I have two bottles of steroids and a couple of others I don't care to name."
"Oh my gosh." I blinked twice quickly. I picked up a bottle, examining it closely. "Benz... Ben... Benzo... nope. Not going to try." I set down the pill bottle, looking at my sister.
She looked sick. Her face was a little whitish and she looked like she could've thrown up at any time.
"Where's Mom?"
Richelle shrugged. "Kitchen, maybe."
"Oh," I nodded. "Thanks."
I found Mom sitting at the kitchen table, her head bent over a piece of paper. I had a question. An important one, if Richelle knew what she was talking about. Mom looked tired. Her eyes sagged, and her body posture looked fatigued. If I was going to guess, I would say she had spent all day with Richelle during chemo.
I knew what I wanted to ask her. I wanted to ask her about God but I didn't know how to. Richelle had once told me her faith was the thing that gave her peace amid chaos. I did want it, that peace, but I didn't know how to get it and I wasn't sure how to get past all my doubts I had about this whole God thing.
I didn't know where to begin to ask so instead I just asked her what was wrong and why she looked so stressed.
Mom looked up at me, her eyes reverting back to 'mom mode', but I had already seen the fear and fatigue. Seeing my mom scared frightened me. Not much scared Mom.
"We just finished paying off Eva's medical bills for her cancer treatments and everything else and now we have Richelle's medical problems to worry about," Mom explained. "The bills are... piling up. It's not too bad yet, but Richelle's chemotherapy treatments are thousands of dollars. And who knows how much her surgery"
"How long do you think she'll need treatment?" I asked.
"At least a year," Mom said. "But if hers is as aggressive as Eva's was, then she could be facing anywhere from one year to three, maybe more. They found hers earlier than Eva's so hopefully she won't need it for longer." Mom sighed. "She shouldn't have to suffer... I'm sorry honey, did you need something?"
"Yeah," I muttered. "But what surgery?"
"We're looking at amputation right now," Mom explained. "The tumor is imbedded in her nerves and blood vessels, which means limb salvage surgery, as we did with Eva at first, is out of the question."
"Amputation?" I asked incredulously. "Like... losing her leg?"
"Below-the-knee amputation, yes," Mom said. "Hopefully it'll be more successful than Eva's was. So what did you want to ask me?"
"Um," I pursed my lips. I was a little more hesitant now that I knew everything Mom was dealing with. But I took a deep breath and just got it out there. "What is faith?" I asked. I pulled out a chair and sat down.
Mom put the paper, what I assumed was one of Richelle's medical bills, and gave me her full attention.
I sat down and Mom put her hand on mine. "Faith is believing in the unseen. Believing that it's there even when we can't see it. Why are you asking?"
I shrugged as if I had no reason for asking. "I don't know."
"You know what faith is," A voice said behind me.
I turned around and stared at my sister.
"Sadie, I know you know what faith is," Richelle said. I was surprised she was even up. "So what's the question underneath that?" She leaned against the wall, looking at me.
"I wanna know how God is... a just God if He lets innocent people like Eva die or suffer like you," I said.
"Well, when Adam and Eve sinned they brought sin and death," Mom explained gently.
"Why are innocent people paying for their mistakes then?" I asked, cutting my eyes to Richelle. I quickly looked away, but I knew she had seen it.
"We're not," Richelle said firmly. "We do the same thing every day, don't we?"
"But didn't they invoke a sin nature in us, so technically isn't it their fault more than ours?" I asked.
Richelle shook her head. "Doesn't matter. We still make mistakes. We're still human."
"I guess. It's just- I want to believe, but I have no idea how," I said. "I have so many doubts."
"Sometimes doubt is necessary," Mom said. " If you never had doubt you'd never ask questions and if we never asked questions where do you think you would be?"
"Nowhere," Richelle said.
"But I wouldn't even know where to start with this whole God thing," I said.
"I might have an idea," Richelle said, an idea glinting behind her green eyes.
I followed her to her room and she dug around in her closet for something. She came out with a Book.
She handed it to me.
"This will help," she said.
"Richelle, I already have a Bible," I said, taking it confusedly.
Richelle pointed to the corner of the blue leather-bound Book without saying anything.
And there it was. The name Eva Ann was printed there. Next to her name, it said, One half of a whole.
"For me?" I asked incredulously.
Richelle nodded silently.
I shook my head violently and pushed it back into her arms. "I can't take this, Richelle. It's not mine. If anything it's yours."
"Yes, you can," Richelle said calmly. "Eva wanted you to have it once you got to this point." She shoved it back to me. "It'll do you more good than it will just be sitting in the closet."
I took it. "Are you sure?" I asked, looking at her, a little skeptically.
"She asked me to give it to you," Richelle said.
"If she wanted me to, I will," I said quietly. I looked up at my sister, whose green eyes were studying me intently with a calmness and a serenity I hadn't seen in days.
"Thanks, Richelle." I threw my arms around her shoulders. "I love you, Sis."
"I love you too," Richelle said, squeezing me back.
I brought it to my room but all I did was stare at the pages. I knew this was Eva's but I couldn't understand even what this was.
To me, it was just a bunch of paper and words. To Richelle, it was so much more, but I would never know most of the things she did. I could barely understand what the words said, much less what they meant on a philosophical level.
I've grown since that moment. A lot. Can I tell you the difference between what I knew then and what I know now? The difference between what I knew then and what I know now is that I now know that this Book would make me cry, laugh, and love like never before. It would open my eyes to the angels I had never seen before and the little bits of heaven on earth. I also know now that this Book would get me through some really hard times and lift me so high I felt like I could touch Heaven. It made me feel God all around me. I just didn't know it.
But I would.