It had been two weeks, and Kirin had yet to return. The thought of him hanging somewhere by a noose around his neck came to her daily. Well, that and, of course, whether or not he had broken his engagement.
She sat behind the inn, her back pressing against the wall, and played with her fire by letting it pass through her fingers in a small ball. No one could see her from here unless they were searching.
They were not to leave the cover of the protection, not after she dragged an intruder to their doorstep, that is. So she found another place to get away from the hordes of people. Aurelie could barely step outside without a warning of caution from those who assumed leadership in Kirin's absence. She was mainly talking about Orken. So, she used her window to sneak outside.
She made the fire expand. Goosebumps rose on her flesh with the pleasure of using her magic. As much as she wanted to enjoy it fully, Sasha's words kept crawling around her mind. She calmed the flames and let the fire flow only through her fingernails.
Footsteps approached, soft and gentle sounding. Before she could get up and extinguish her fire, Daerious peeked from around the corner.
"Don't bother," he said and sat down beside her. "I'd ask why you were so difficult, but I don't think I can blame you. I hope that you know what you are doing."
"Do any of us?" she said and shrugged.
Daerious smirked. Shifting into a different position, he turned to her and stared for much longer than necessary. "We all worry, you know," he said.
Aurelie sighed. This was a conversation she would rather avoid, especially with Daerious. There was nothing he could say that would change her worry or her guilt. Kirin was gone â dead or alive â they had to wait and see.
"I know," she said, his eyes burned through her. She turned her head away, her fingers digging into the dirt. Please leave.
"You can do it, you know, I won't judge," he said, finally looking away.
"Do what?" she asked, confused.
"Your fire," he answered, stretching out his legs and crossing them. "It makes you forget. About everything, that's why you do it? It's not consuming your thoughts or anything like they're saying, right?"
Sasha was involved in his sudden arrival. Aurelie was sure of it. She did, after all, say that she would no longer lecture her.
Aurelie sighed. "No, it isn't."
Daerious nodded as if her answer had been a gamble, and he was holding the winning hand. "That's what I told them, but they wouldn't believe me. They think you're on some fire high," he said and chuckled.
Aurelie bit her tongue. A tantrum and confrontation would take up energy that she no longer had. "You don't have to worry about me. I'm not getting high on fire," she said and forced herself to unwind. "You're right, though. It makes me forget. It takes up all my focus without me even noticing. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy it and use it to forget everything that's happened, but I don't always want to think about it, you know?"
Daerious dragged his hand through his curly hair. "I wish I had that."
She did not know how to respond. He never seemed sad before. While she knew about his family, his actions never quite showed that their deaths still tormented him. She had seen him angry, goofy, and worried, but never sad. They stayed silent and watched the woods. Daerious looked at her a couple of times, ready to say something, but stopped each time.
"What is it?" she asked, tired of his back and forth.
"Are you in love with him?" he asked.
Aurelie opened her mouth to speak but found herself gaping like a fish above water. She blushed, her skin feeling hotter than the day that it had burnt in the fire. "I don't know," she said after a long pause.
She was madly in love with Kirin, but no one else had to know that. It was better that way. And she was not sure whether Kirin would want anyone to know. Not even Daerious. They were good friends, and if he wanted him to know, he would have told him himself.
"I wish you wouldn't lie to me," he said and crossed his feet the other way.
Aurelie searched his face for a clue as to why he would ask her. Had he developed feelings for her? She never thought of him that way. Could he have?
"It's not that simple," she answered. Her words came out too quickly and sounded much too defensive. She was only making it worse.
"It's a simple question. Yes or no?"
"It isn't, Daerious."
What was she supposed to say? She felt him every waking day. Yet, there was a void there where happiness ought to have been. He tugged at her chest. Violently. Making her feel him in her bones. In the tips of her fingers. In her breath. She was terrified that it would come to nothing and agonised over the thought of him ever being with anyone but her.
"Why not?"
Aurelie shrugged. "Because he hasn't told you himself, has he? Because this is neither the time nor the place for me to love anyone."
"So something's going on already."
His eyes dropped down to his feet as he said it. There was something hidden behind his lipsâa truth he refused to set free.
"Daeriousâdo you..."
Daerious clasped a hand over his stomach and rocked back in a fit of laughter. things. "You're the type of girl a man marries. I'm not ready for you. I quite like the delicacies the inn has to offer."
She shook her head, trying to hide her frustration. The conversation made her angrier than she would have liked to admit. "Well, what the hell do you want to know for, then?"
Daerious cocked his head and rubbed his fingers down her wrist. "I want you to be smart. I want him to be smart."
"What does being smart have to do with being in love?"
"Everything." His grip on her wrist tightened. "Are you kidding me, Aurelie? If you don't know, then you're in for a great big disappointment."
Aurelie tried to pull her hand away. "I'm all out of disappointments, Daerious."
He paused and nodded. Something changed in the way she looked at her. It was the way he looked at the drunks and guards in the town. "He's already in love with you. It'll make you happy to hear now. You'll go back to your bedroom and daydream about him. Perhaps, he has even told you about it, and you've done all those things already."
She felt her cheeks flush.
"But when the day comes for us to fight, his love for you will kill him."
Her face creased, and her chest swelled as if she had swallowed her weight in the air. "I'll never let anything happen to him," she answered and pushed past him toward the inn.
His footsteps followed. "You're careless again. Look how well it's worked out for you in the past," he called after her. "When and if something happens to him, you won't have a choice in the matter, princess."
That word. That bloody word. She wished they'd stop using it as if it meant that she was clueless and spoiled. She had not been a princess a day in her life.
She angled her head to look at him but kept walking. "You bring that up now? Nice. So you're in on it with the rest of them then, thinking I'm mad, dangerous, and a waste of time," she said this loudly so that whoever was around the corner that she was approaching would hear.
Daerious laughed. "None of us think that. Everyone knows that you are doing what you can. Not everyone agrees with your decisions, but we all try to make it work," he said and stood too.
Aurelie lifted a hand to stop him. "Oh, spare me all that, Daerious. Do you think that I am deaf to the whispers and blind to the stares?" He wasn't the person she was angry with. Before he had come outside, she had not been angry with anyone. She was just worried. So, maybe it was his fault after all.
"What do you want me to do? Make them all stand in a row and tell you that they love you?" he raised his voice.
Aurelie winced. She did not expect praise, their respect she had not earned either, but asking to walk about without fifty people following her with the judgmental eyes was not too much to ask for. "When did I say that?"
"Why are you angry about it then?"
"You brought it up!" she shouted. "Kirin, the witches, that was all you, not me."
"I asked you a question, and you went mad," he said, walking closer to her.
Aurelie kicked the ground, her chest bulging with anger. "You think I don't deserve him. That's the problem," she said, feeling the heat of tears stinging her eyes. "You think he's better off because I'm careless and selfish."
"No, Aurelie," he answered, and his expression turned into something that came close to resembling sympathy, but not quite. "I want you both to be happy, but most of all, I want you alive."
She felt as if she was sucking all the joy out of the air. "Daerious, there is no happiness here; there is only death, fear and hiding. Leila was right about that. I don't know the point of living if it is not feeling giddy and happy and in love? What else do I have to offer up to the King? I won't do, I won't. I love him. He makes me want to be stupid and careless and protective and wild. I love him. I love him. I love him." She flung her arms out and shrugged, feeling liberated by getting it off her chest. "And I'll tell you another thing, Daerious. I'm going to marry him."
"We're here because of love, Aurelie." He lowered his gaze and his voice, looking even more upset now than before. She didn't care. Even if he made all the sense in the world, Kirin made more sense; their love made more sense.! "We've lost, yes, but people die every single day. War comes from the loss of love or the fear of losing it. It makes people do stupid things. And we won't survive losing him. He's the backbone, always has been."
"But you'll never lose him." Aurelie took Daerious' shoulder. He didn't say it, but it was evident that he was worried about losing his friend.
"To be quite honest, Aurelie," Daerious dragged his eyes away from her, "we already have. The second he admitted his feelings, he knew that his priorities switched. If he were to choose between you and us, it would always be you. I don't think you that from him, I don't. And caring about one thing above all others is what gets men killed."
Aurelie shook her head. "He'll put the cause first. Of course, he will. It's Kirin."
"He'll put you first, and if something happens to you, he'll risk us to avenge you. That's love, darling."
"What am I supposed to do?"
Daerious sighed, shaking his head. "I don't even know, Aurelie. I just thought you should know, is all. . . be careful with him, okay?"