I skipped work on Friday.
In my entire career lifetime, I never once called in sick. I had been sick often. I overworked myself all the time. I needed many mental health days. Yet, I still never called in. It was kind of ironic. When I was at my most depressed and my mental health was at its worst, I did not call in. Now, when things were starting to get better, I took the day off. My heartbreak was painful. It wasn't the same as depression. It was just sadness. I never realized there was a difference between the two.
In English class, they always wanted us to use colorful language. Melancholy. Despondent. Sorrowful. None of those were right in this situation, though. This was just sadness. I was sad. What was I supposed to do? Em set his boundaries loud and clear. Yesterday, I couldn't stand being in the same room as him. He was beautiful. He was brilliant. He was perfect. There was nothing I could do, but being in the same room as him I wanted to do everything. I wanted to tell him I loved him. I wanted to call him ridiculous for suggesting we not be together. Of course we had to be together. I needed him, but I guess he didn't need me. I thought he shared the same feelings, though.
There were times when we had sex that I was certain we were making love. The way he would look into my eyes - I felt loved. He knew me better than anyone. There was no way anyone could know me as well as he did. He was trustworthy. I could open myself up to him. I did open myself up to him. I don't think there was anything he didn't know about me (other than my feelings for him). No one else could ever know me as well because I could never open myself up to anyone else as much as I did with him.
I suppose I was going to be alone the rest of my life.
Even though I had my friends and I had reconciled with my family, I did want a partner. Emerson made me believe I could be loved. I wanted Em as a husband. I wanted to start a family with him. I wanted to retire with him. I wanted to spend my last days alive with him. I never tired of him. I longed for him anytime he was away, even just in another room. His laugh, his smile, his eyes, his wispy hair, his delicate hands, smooth skin - there was so much to love about him, and now I wasn't able to give him my love.
I stayed in bed for the most part on Friday. I played Tetris a lot, beating my high score twice. I watched The Princess Diaries because Em loved that movie but I had never seen it. All of his favorite movies either starred Whitney Houston or had her as a producer, or both. We were supposed to watch most of them together because the only one I had seen was The Bodyguard. I couldn't watch another movie after finishing The Princess Diaries. I wanted to nap but couldn't. I only ever seemed to nap with Em.
I took a shower and then played around on my guitar. I strummed a few tunes, which helped me relax. I played more Tetris. I trimmed my nails. I vacuumed my bedroom. By late afternoon, I couldn't find anything else to do. Or maybe I just wasn't motivated. So I lounged around in bed, not doing a thing, trying to take a nap. Rain was gently pouring outside. Why was napping so hard? I wanted to turn off my mind, turn the pain away. Alcohol, drugs, sex could all distract my mind, but I didn't want to go back to that. I worked too hard to be healthier.
Footsteps were sounding on the steps to my bedroom. I sat up quickly. Who the hell could that be? A knock on the door came. Don cracked the door open and poked his head in. "Are you decent, Lafayette?" he asked.
"Yes, come in," I said. "What are you doing here?"
"Well, I heard you called in sick," he said, waltzing into the room. He took a seat in my armchair. "I thought I would check in on you."
"I'm fine," I said, sitting on the edge of the bed. "I just wanted a day to myself."
He nodded. "So you needed time yesterday as well, when you left early?"
"Yes," I said, but I knew he knew something was up.
"I saw Emerson yesterday, leaving the office quite early," he said. "What happened?"
I sighed. "I don't want to talk about it," I said.
"Okay. Michael and I chatted yesterday," he said.
I rolled my eyes. Michael told him.
"He said that you have feelings for Mr. Lane."
"Yeah," I said, looking down. It was embarrassing to share that I was rejected.
"Did you tell him your feelings?" he asked.
"No, but he told me that we couldn't...be close as much anymore, because he wanted a serious relationship," I said.
"So...he didn't reject you?" Don asked, tilting his head.
"I mean, he didn't exactly say he didn't have feelings for me, but I think it was implied that I was not the one he was looking for," I said.
"But you didn't tell him how you feel."
I stood up to pace. "No. Before I could, he let me know that he was going to start dating to find the love of his life, his life partner, his soulmate, whatever you want to call it."
Don sat up straight. "Lafayette, did I ever tell you about Arthur?" he asked.
"I don't think so," I said. I stopped pacing and put my hands on my hips, looking at him.
"Well, Arthur was my best friend in college," he said. "We were roommates freshman year and became absolute best friends. We were roommates every year. We had many of the same classes, played football together, went to parties together. His girlfriend was best friends with my girlfriend, but they always joked about how we were more of a couple than with them. We laughed it off, but during my senior year, we were talking about the future. He wanted to go to California. I wanted to stay in New York. We said we would visit each other, but one day, he came to me, his eyes watery, and asked me to give him a reason to stay in New York. He and his girlfriend had broken up while I was still with mine. I knew what he was asking. He was asking me if I had feelings for him. I was severely in the closet, but I was also terrified of being in love. I did love him, though,but I didn't give him a reason to stay."
Don twisted the ring on his pinky finger before looking up at me with a softness in his face that had brought me comfort for many years. "We graduated. He moved to California. I stayed in New York and got married. Arthur did visit occasionally, usually around the holidays. He met Timothy. Every time he came back, he asked me the same thing - to give him a reason to stay. Truthfully, I was beginning to accept that I couldn't sustain a heterosexual marriage. I felt guilty for letting my wife believe I was a heterosexual fully attracted to her. Things were getting strained in the marriage. Every year, Arthur asked me. I never gave him a reason to stay, even though I did love him. I was very in love with him.
One day, only a few weeks after the last time I had seen Arthur, and he asked me to give him a reason to stay, I received a phone call from California. It was one of Arthur's friends calling to inform me that Arthur had died in an accident. I remember feeling so guilty. If I had only been honest and gave him a reason to stay, then maybe he would have lived." Don stood up and approached me. "You must always be honest, my boy," he said. "Life is too short not to be honest. You don't want to spend your life dwelling on the what-ifs. I know you've already spent a lot of time doing that, so you don't want to have another reason to dwell on the past." He put his hand on my shoulder, patting it a few times. "Well, I must be going."
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"I am going to return home to Jerry. He is making baked ziti tonight." Don sighed peacefully. "I was never one much for faith, but sometimes I do think there are certain paths set in place. While I loved Arthur and spent many years thinking of what could have been, all of the events in my life led to me meeting Jerry. What have all of the events in your life led you to?"
With that, Don gave me one last smile before leaving.
Many of the events in my life were painful. Sexual assault, poverty, verbal and physical abuse at the hands of people I was supposed to respect, depression, suicidal thoughts, binge-eating, drug usage, numbing the pain with alcohol, death of my sister - what did they lead to? No, why were they leading to now? The pain was plateauing, going downhill. Downhill is always seen as a bad thing, but at the bottom of this hill there was a valley of joy. A valley worth living for. A valley full of love. Did I deserve it?
I sat on my bed, pondering the things Don said. He had regrets but he accepted them. Would I be able to accept my regrets? I regretted not telling someone about Father Jamison, but I had accepted the fact that I was an exploited and abused child too scared to do so. I was a full grown adult now. The only thing holding me back was myself.
I did not want to live with regret.
It was thirty minutes after Don left when I finally made a decision. I changed out of my pajamas and into jeans and a t-shirt. I brushed my teeth and styled my hair. I put on deodorant. I took a deep breath while looking in the mirror. I could do this. I had to tell Em.
I left the bathroom quickly, exiting my bedroom, running down the stairs to the terrace. I was going to run down the stairs to leave the townhouse and go to Em's apartment, but just as I reached the middle of the terrace, there he was. Em stood in the doorway of the terrace, drenched from the rain.
"Em," I said. "What are you doing here?"
He took a step closer to me. "I...I wanted to come and...check on you," he said. "Were you just about to leave? I can go. I-"
"No," I said, moving closer to him. "I was coming to see you."
He tilted his head in that way I loved. "You were?" he asked.
"Yes." I bridged the gap between us, standing in front of him. "I..." I couldn't talk.
"Faye," he whispered. Our eyes were locked on each other. Em gulped, and then said, "I know what we did while traveling didn't mean anything to you. I know the kissing and the sex and all the was supposed to be meaningless, but-"
"It wasn't meaningless," I said. What was he saying to me?
"It-it wasn't?" He searched my face. "I overheard you fighting with Michael when you told him it didn't mean anything."
I grabbed his arms, getting closer. "I did say that," I said. "But as soon as he left my office I followed him and I asked him, 'what if it did mean something?' Because...it did."
The deep blue of his sapphire eyes washed over me. "Really?" he asked.
"Yes. Em, I know you said you are ready to move on and that we shouldn't kiss or-"
"No," he said, putting his fingers on my lips. "I only said that because, well...because of what I overheard. Faye, I-I came back early because I wanted to-" His lips were trembling, his eyes welling with tears. He tried blinking them away.
"Emmy," I whispered, pulling his fingers from my lips, only to bring them back and kiss them tenderly. I wiped a tear from his cheek. "Emmy," I whispered again, putting my forehead against his. "I'm glad you came back early and that you came here. I don't think I could live another day without telling you." I barely leaned away to look into his eyes. "Em...I love you. I am madly, deeply in love with you." My voice shook on the last word.
"Oh Faye," he said, more tears falling. Happy tears. "I love you, too. I don't want you to think you don't deserve my love because you deserve all of it and I want to give it all to you forever, for the rest of our lives."
I kissed him. Our arms wrapped around each other. We kissed, so lovingly. A tear even managed to fall from my eye. A happy tear. Kissing would never be enough. Making love would never be enough. I wanted all of him in every way - physically, emotionally, spiritually, whatever way was possible. I needed him.
"I love you," he whispered between kisses.
I wrapped my arm under him, scooping him up. I brought him to the large terrace chair. It was as wide as a full size bed. It was perfect because I couldn't even wait the ten seconds it would take to go upstairs to my bedroom. I put him down and climbed over him. We kissed and kissed, tearing off our clothing.
We made love, the rain pouring down on the glass roof over us. I couldn't let him go. Between moans we kept saying I love you. My head was spinning like I was drunk, but it was just unbelievable love. We made love for as long as we could, well into the evening, moving to the bedroom, the bathroom, the office, until we climbed into my bed under the covers.
"Wow," he said, spooning me. I liked being the small spoon for once. "Is this real?"
"It is," I said, eyes closed. I was ready to fall asleep.
"What are we going to do now?" he asked and kissed my back.
"Sleep," I said.
He laughed. I never wanted to miss hearing that laugh again for the rest of my life. "I mean, when we go back to work," he said.
"We will figure it out," I said. I turned to face him. We cuddled up to each other. I grazed my finger along his cheek. "We have the rest of our lives together to figure everything out, Emmy."
Em smiled and kissed me. "I can't wait," he said, sealing it with one more kiss before we fell asleep into the best night of my life.