When we returned back to work after the holiday, Lafayette and I acted like nothing had happened between us. I had blamed myself and apologized for kissing him. What was there left to talk about? Besides, he seemed to be content with where he was. His mood had improved drastically since the first time I ever stepped into his office. He was more patient, less irritable, and kinder to himself. He smiled more. He laughed more. He was glowing. Still, occasionally, the cloud would cross his face as he looked away to someplace distant and in the past. It was my job to bring him out of the storm and back into the sunlight.
In the meantime of my unrequited and forbidden love, I decided to follow in Lafayette's footsteps and focus on myself. There were so many things I wanted to do in my life. I loved my job. I loved the company. Either way, I wanted more. I wanted to start writing again, because it had been so long since I wrote anything. I wanted to create new drag show routines and do drag story time at the library. I wanted to go back to therapy.
Luckily for me, Lafayette was still supportive of me and wanted to listen. "Like I said," he said one day. "You can always write something up for the blog or magazine and Carla can review it. I can review it, too."
"Well, I guess there is something I've always considered writing," I said.
"Yeah? Tell me about it." He sat on the corner of his desk and crossed his arms. He was just wearing polo tucked into his dress pants. His arms looked stronger. He was so...
"Well, I was thinking it would be fun to do a feature piece on the mysterious face behind the company. The man behind the curtain, if you will."
Lafayette smirked at me, raising an eyebrow, but was silent.
"Don't look at me like that," I said, smiling. "I think it would be a fun article that everyone would want to read. No one knows anything about you."
"That is intentional, you know?" he said.
"I know, I mean I wouldn't write about your deepest darkest secrets or anything like that, but I think people would love to know more about you."
He moved off of his desk, hands in his pockets, to stand in front of me. "What would they want to know about me? Better yet, what do you want to tell them about me?"
I leaned back against the pillow. "Well, I think they should know that you are actually a super sensitive, shy, self-deprecating little man," I said.
"That really reaffirms my masculinity," he said, still smirking.
I rolled my eyes. "Who cares about masculinity? You're a wittle soft boy."
"I'm a man, thank you very much. I'm not soft. I'm mean, cruel, hateful."
I rolled my eyes again. "Yeah, to yourself," I said. "It's all internalized. You're always just so down on yourself, mean to yourself. You have this hard look on your face but it's because of you being hard on yourself."
He furrowed his brow, frowning, but was doing it intentionally. "Like this?"
I sat up. "Yes, like that, but worse," I said.
He put his hands on his hips and leaned down towards me. "You'll have to make me angrier if you want me to look worse," he said.
"I don't want you to look worse." I put my hands on his head. "I want these hard edges and lines and worries all over your face to soften and relax.
He laughed, and then we looked at each other. I wanted to kiss him again. Our eyes flashed between each other's lips. I wasn't sure what to do, so I rubbed my thumbs into his temples. He closed his eyes, sighing. In a moment, we were both on the couch with him leaning his back against me as I massaged his scalp. At least we were still okay being too cuddly.
"You can write about me," Lafayette said, mumbling in drowsiness.
"Are you sure? I promise it won't be weird," I said quietly.
"I know. I trust you."
I wondered if he could hear my heart beat faster beneath him. "Can I take a few photos of you for the feature as well?"
He opened his eyes and then sat up. There was a look on his face I couldn't read. "I don't really like posing for photos of just myself," he said quietly.
"That's fine," I said. It made me realize that I was not sure if I had ever seen a photo of just him, all alone.
"I mean..." He glanced at me. "I suppose you can take a few."
"If you don't want me to it's fine. I promise."
"No, I-I want you to." He nodded, more to himself than me. "Yeah, let's do it."
I smiled. "Okay! Cool. Can we go to the studio?" I asked.
"Yeah, it should be free soon. Is what I'm wearing fine?" he asked.
"Yes, it looks great. I'm so excited!"
He smiled, much to my relief.
We went to the studio with one of Lafayette's cameras and a recorder. I was going to interview him as I photographed him, so I needed the recorder to type up the interview later. I had him sit in one of the armchairs while I sat criss-cross on a table.
I started the recorder. "Hello, Mr. Jett," I said.
Lafayette chuckled. "Hello, Mr. Lane," he said.
"Thank you for joining me today. I just have some questions for you. The first question is - what is your most embarrassing story?" I smiled.
Lafayette leaned his head back against the chair, trying not to smile. "I thought you said this wasn't going to be weird," he said.
I snapped a photo. Lafayette flinched at the sound of the shutter. "It's not weird," I said, but was distracted by his flinch. Maybe it wasn't anything.
"I don't have any embarrassing stories because I don't get embarrassed," he said.
"That is such a bogus answer."
When he turned his head to look at me, I took another photo, keeping the camera in my lap to stay casual. "Ask me another question," he said.
"Fine. If you were a drag queen what would your drag name be?" I asked.
Lafayette sat up straighter in the chair, propping his leg up on his knee. I took another photo, and it seemed like he wasn't paying attention to the camera. "That's a good question. Maybe Ethereal Teal. When I was younger I think I once said my drag name could be Cherry Coke."
"Why Cherry Coke?" I asked.
"Cherries are my favorite. Love everything cherry flavored. Then, at the time I chose that name, I may have taken a few bumps," he said.
My jaw dropped. "Are you serious?" I asked. "I can leave that out."
"No, it's fine, it was a very short time when I was out in California, just a few times. Terrible time in my life. I'm surprised I didn't abuse drugs more. Don't do drugs kids. I mean, marijuana is fine, but don't do anything that will fuck up your life."
I scream-laughed, like a bird. "Did you just tell kids it is okay to smoke marijuana?"
"No, I just said to not do drugs, but like hard drugs. Everyone glamorizes that shit. If you're rich, it's cool to do drugs. If you're poor, it's trashy to do drugs. Just, keep it on the record that drugs are bad, but marijuana should be legal for people whose frontal lobes are fully developed."
I laughed again, covering my mouth. "I will find a nice way to plug that in, or maybe just leave it completely out," I said.
It was his turn to laugh, and I took another picture.
Lafayette and I went on, having a casual interview. It was conversational, but I did lead the conversations with questions I figured he would find appropriate and be comfortable answering. I would snap a few photos of him here and there, candids. I was excited to see the photos because I knew they would be so beautiful - not because of my photography skills, but because of the subject matter.
After an hour, it was getting a little darker outside. Snow was falling against a gray city. I decided to turn on the flash on the camera. I asked Lafayette a question about his upcoming spring collection, needing a way to tie the interview back to the business. He answered like a CEO, with a serious but kind tone and hand gestures. I took a picture, the flash lighting up the darkening room.
Lafayette jerked his head back at the flash. It was a flinch. Why was he flinching? He paused, stumbling over his words. "I'm sorry," he said. "Can you just give me a moment?"
"Of course. Do you need anything? Are you okay?" I asked.
The light was dimming from his face. "I'm fine. I guess I'm just getting a headache or something. I'm sorry," he said.
"You don't have to be sorry. How about we wrap this up and you rest?" I got off the table and approached Lafayette. "Come on, let's go make you feel better."
Usually, I found a way to make him relax. This time, it wasn't working. That distant look was on his face again. "If you don't mind, I think I will go to my flat. I just need to sleep and take some time alone, if that's okay."
"Of course it's okay," I said, but I was a little sad he didn't want me with him. "I'll just grab my things and leave a little early for the day."
Lafayette nodded, still staring off.
"Let me know if you need anything, okay?"
"Okay, thank you," he said.
I grabbed the recorder and stopped it. I left the studio, taking the camera with me as well to upload the photos and edit them. Why was Lafayette upset all of a sudden? He completely shut down. I hadn't seen him shut down like that since that Richard guy used to call. I had to respect his boundaries, though. Still, I was getting a headache myself from worrying. He knew he could come to me if he needed me. I would always be there for him.