On Tuesday, Halloween, Lafayette was late for work. The idea of him sleeping in seemed silly to me, since he was more likely to stay awake all through the night. When it was almost ten, I got a little worried. What if something had happened to him? I texted him Saturday night when I got into my apartment, like he had asked, but he never actually texted me back. I mean, this was fine because we agreed not to bother each other over the weekends as much. Monday he seemed not as talkative either, but I figured he was just tired from a long weekend. Surely he would've texted me if he was running late.
I decided to go and ask Michael or Emilio if they had heard from him. As I was walking into their reception area, I heard laughter coming from Emilio's office. His door was open, so when I popped my head in I was surprised to see Lafayette in there. It looked like he had just arrived because he was still wearing his jacket and sunglasses, a hot coffee in his hand even though I had brought him a coffee when I first arrived. Michael and Emilio were in the room as well. Then, an incredibly handsome man I recognized as Marcus from Lafayette's photo album was also in the room. My heart sank into my stomach.
"Good morning, Emerson," Lafayette said. I couldn't remember the last time he said Emerson. It was always Em or Emmy.
"Good morning," I said, holding my hands behind my back.
"Marcus, this is my assistant, Emerson. Em, this is Marcus," he said.
"Hello," I said.
"Oh, that's so cute, you have a new little assistant," Marcus said. "Does he fetch you your little coffees and take your calls?"
Lafayette elbowed him. "Sorry I'm late, Em. What's on the schedule today again?"
"The trick-or-treat bash is later today," I said. We were holding an event for children from some of the schools we supported to stop by to trick-or-treat through the building.
"Ew, will children be here?" Marcus asked.
"Yeah, a handful," Lafayette said.
"They're disadvantaged children from some of the underfunded schools we support," I said. "They trick-or-treat through the building." I loved the trick-or-treat bash. I loved kids. They were just so sweet and innocent. Sure, they could be loud and messy, but they were kids. They were supposed to be that way. These kids came from troubled homes, parents who couldn't always take them trick-or-treating. It was a great event.
"That explains why everyone is dressed in their little costumes," Marcus said. Everything must have been little to him and his big ego.
I forgot I probably looked ridiculous in my pumpkin poncho. It was just draped over me like any other poncho, but with a big jack-o-lantern face on it. I thought I looked nice with my black, tight pants and black boots. No one else in the office was dressed up. Sasha had dressed up like a simple witch. Carla was dressed up like a cat while Marion was a burglar. Emilio and Michael weren't in costume. Lafayette said he was going to put on a candy corn poncho like mine for the kids, but he wasn't wearing one.
They continued chatting. I felt out of place, so I went back to my office. The kids weren't coming until later, around two o'clock, so I sat at my desk and worked. It was almost an hour later when Lafayette walked through, without Marcus.
"I'll be helping with a campaign for the rest of the day probably," he said.
Lafayette used to be more hands on when the company started, with some of the photoshoots and campaigns. He wasn't as involved these days, so I was surprised. "Okay, are you thinking you'll be done around one or one-thirty?" I asked.
"Probably not until the end of the day," he said. He went into his office but kept the door open so I followed him.
"But we have the kids coming at two," I said.
"I know, I might pop out for a little bit, but I'll be booked up otherwise. Cancel anything else I have going on," he said, hanging his jacket.
"Okay," I said. "So what compelled you to be involved with this shoot?"
"I'm always involved," he said. "But this time I'll be helping Marion a lot more with the creative direction and what not."
I nodded. "Okay," is all I said. I went back to my desk and focused on my work. I put on my headphones and listened to music. I was actually so annoyed, but I couldn't let it show. It wasn't my place to tell Lafayette how to do his job. When he walked through the reception area, I acted like I didn't notice him. He glanced at me once before walking out.
I knew I shouldn't have been jealous of Marcus, but I was. He was way more attractive than me for one thing, but everything he said sounded condescending. I barely saw Lafayette for the next couple of hours. When I went to get lunch with Sasha, I saw Marcus and Lafayette sitting in the conference room with Marion, papers and photos spread across the table. I tried to ignore it. I tried to brush everything off. I think Sasha could tell something was up with me, but she didn't pry, luckily.
At two o'clock, the kids started to come through the building. I went downstairs with my heaps of candy bags, ready to make the kids' days. They were so adorable in the costumes, and they all said thank you. I forgot about Lafayette for the time being, focusing instead on making the kids smile and laugh with my stupid jokes. It wasn't until I saw him standing in the doorway with his hands in his pockets that I remembered he was supposed to "pop out." He smiled at me and came next to me.
"Did you get all of this for me?" he asked the little girl dressed like Elsa.
"No," she giggled.
He crouched down, looking in her bag. "Are you sure? It looks very yummy."
"It's mine!" she exclaimed, smiling.
"Oh, well that's okay, I have plenty to spare." He grabbed candy from my bag and put it in hers. "There you go, sweetie."
She giggled again, skipping away to the next candy giver.
I was relieved to see Lafayette stay longer than he made it sound. Kids liked him. I guess when they found out he was the CEO they wanted to talk to him because they thought CEO was just the coolest thing even if they didn't know what it meant. After the trick-or-treating, the kids would stay to play some games. I suggested we play Simon Says and that Lafayette would have to play.
I led the game, trying to make it easier for the kids but also to get Lafayette out. At one point, he definitely did something when Simon did not say. He pretended like it didn't happen. "I think Mr. CEO moved, didn't he?" I asked the kids.
"Yes! He moved!" they exclaimed.
"Sorry boss, but you are out," I said, putting my hands on my hips.
He sighed, throwing his hands up. Then he tapped me on the arm, saying "Tag, you're it," and bolted away from me.
All of the kids started running, laughing and screaming. I ran after them, but ended up tagging Marion who seemed eager to play. The game of tag went on until Lafayette was it. He chased all of the kids, not catching them, and then asked, "Who should I get?"
To my surprise, most of the kids pointed at me. "The pumpkin!"
"You want me to tag the pumpkin?" he asked, making them all yell in agreement. "Alright, Emmy, looks like you're next."
I ran across the room, knowing he was definitely going to catch me, but the kids were following behind him. Suddenly, the rules of the game reversed, and instead of one person getting someone, everyone had to get one person. That person was me. I couldn't help it. Kids liked me. So it didn't take long until Lafayette grabbed my arm, and then a swarm of children jumped on the both of us, making us fall and laugh.
Lafayette looked over at me, a smile on his face bigger than any smile I had seen on him before. He truly looked happy, not an ounce of worry hidden behind his eyes. He looked so beautiful in the moment, with kids adoring him and fighting for his attention. I was surprised he was so good with kids. He didn't seem like the type.
Eventually, it was time for the kids to go. It was almost four when they had all cleared out. I went back up to my desk with Lafayette following. "That was fun," I said.
"It was. I didn't know you were so good with kids," he said.
I shrugged. "I babysat some of the neighborhood kids when I was in high school. It was an easy way to make money and I was a loser with no social life, so something to do," I said.
He nodded, putting his hands on the armchair across from my desk. "I'm sorry I forgot to wear my costume," he said.
"It's fine. You don't seem like the costume type."
"You'd be right. I'm not a big costume guy. I feel like you're the opposite, though. I figured you'd be all dolled up in a costume."
"Maybe not at work," I said. "Tonight I can put on a more fun one, though, when we pass out candy."
Before he said anything, I could read on his face that we were not going to pass out candy like we had agreed. It was a Tuesday, after all. We had dinners on Tuesdays. "Em, I'm sorry, I kind of forgot about tonight. I have to-"
"It's fine," I said. "Alicia passes out candy at her place, too. I'll just join her."
He nodded, appropriately looking regretful. "Well, you have fun with that. Be sure to enjoy some of the candy for yourself," he said, walking to his door.
"I will. Do you mind if I head out early actually?" I asked, something I've never asked.
"What for?" he asked, stopping.
I shrugged. "I just never ask to leave early, and you're the one always saying I can."
"Right. Sure, go ahead. Enjoy your evening," he said.
"Thanks, you too."
I quickly packed up my things and practically ran out of the building. What was wrong with Lafayette? It's like another wall had been up, ever since the weekend, except for the one moment when we were tackled by the children. Why was he with Marcus? I mean, I think I had an idea, but he literally just told me he hadn't seen him in years. Why was he here? Why was he acting like he worked here? I felt pathetic for missing him, but I couldn't help it. It felt like he was shoving me away.
On Saturday, we had so much fun. Did I over step? He was the one who gave me his jacket. He was the one who put his arm around me. I know I told him I would sit on his lap, but I was only doing that to show much I trusted him, not because I was flirting or wanting to give him a freaking lap dance. I hated how much I cared. I texted Owen, asking if he wanted to grab a late coffee. Luckily for me, he agreed. So I met up with him at a coffee shop close to where Alicia lived.
I sat at a table by the window. I waved at Owen when he walked by. I smiled at him when he walked in and sat at the table. "Hi, how are you?" I asked.
"I'm copacetic," he said, his go-to response. "How are you?"
"I'm good. Just got off work early. Are you doing anything for Halloween?"
"Yeah, I'm volunteering with the Boys & Girl Club to pass out candy," he said.
"Oh, that's so sweet. I didn't know you volunteered there," I said.
"Well, I used to not, but this guy I'm kind of seeing always volunteers there."
Of course. Of course he was seeing someone. He was way too hot to be single. It's not like I wanted to get back into a relationship. I just needed a distraction. "Oh, that's so sweet. Volunteering together, that's cool," I said. "How long have you been seeing each other?"
"Not long at all, not even three weeks. It's actually Liam," he said.
"Liam who?" I asked. I took a sip of my iced coffee.
"Liam, from Mr. Jett's house," he said, like I should know. When he saw my confusion, he said, "The night I took you to your boss's place, Liam was there. He was, you know, with Mr. Jett that night. We left at the same time and got a ride together. I got his number and we went on a date the next day."
"Oh, I don't remember that. I don't remember him at all," I said.
"Yeah, I guess he's an ex of Mr. Jett's but they were, you know, hanging out. Which is cool with me. I mean, we hung out one time after we broke up." He drank his coffee. "Is that what you're trying to do today?"
"Maybe," I said. "I just need a distraction. Or maybe I just wanted someone to talk to."
"Well, I can't sleep with you, but you can talk to me," he said. "What's going on?"
I sighed. "I don't know. I'm just confused."
"About what?"
I cupped my chin in my hand. "I guess...about my job. I love my work and I love my job. I love my coworkers, but sometimes I wonder if it's right for me." This wasn't really true, but I was too afraid to admit what I was thinking.
Owen sucked on his lips, then pursed them. "Em, what's going on with you and your boss?" he asked.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"You had me drop you off at his place. I mean, you know where he lives. I know you're his assistant, but he seemed totally relaxed to see you at his house in the middle of the night. Are you guys...seeing each other?" he asked.
Redness clouded my face. "No, of course not," I said.
"But you want to," he said.
I took too long of a pause. "No, he's just..."
"Em, it's alright," he said. "I'm good at telling these things, as you know. I kind of was able to tell the scenario that night, but I thought you guys were together. I mean, given the circumstances of being at his house."
"We're not together. I just..."
"Love him?"
My jaw dropped as I looked at him. I took too long to reply again. "No," I said. "No. I can't love him. He's my boss."
"We can't help our feelings," he said.
"I'm not in love with my boss," I said, adamant, but my voice shook. I couldn't convince myself. "Oh my god," I said. "Oh god."
"Em, it's okay," Owen said, leaning forward. "It's okay."
"No, no, I can't be in love with him." The realization was coming over me. My eyes were welling with tears. "I can't be in love with him."
"Hey," he said, grabbing my hand. "Hey, I get it. Love is terrifying."
"No, this isn't just any situation. This is my boss. I've been working at this company for years, trying to establish a solid career. I just got a promotion and a raise. I finally moved into my own apartment. I can't start over. I can't leave my job. I mean, if I left then I think he'd have a hard time. He seems so happy recently and like he's doing better. I can't leave him. He'd go back to shutting everyone out." I put my head in my hands. "What do I do? I can't work with someone I'm in love with. I can't love my boss. But I can't quit."
Owen looked at me sympathetically. "I don't have the best advice, but have you ever thought that he might have feelings for you too? He was very concerned that night."
"No," I shook my head, still in my hands. "No, he's with his ex again. He-he is so out of my league. He also could never. He cares so much about ethics and power dynamics. He'd never date an employee. He'd never date me."
"Why do you think that?" Owen asked. "I dated you. I always thought you were out of my league."
I lifted my head out of my hands and stared at him flatly. "Don't lie to me. You're a top with abs. You're not out of anyone's league," I said.
"Well, I still dated you. You're funny. You're charming. You're so cute," he said.
"I don't think he likes cute. His ex is like a statue carved by Greek gods, it's kind of ridiculous how hot he is, but he's such a little bitch. He was so backhanded on everything he said today," I said.
"Em, you shouldn't be so down on yourself. You are in fact in a predicament, but it's something only you can figure out. Weigh your pros and cons. What happens if you quit? What happens if you stay? What happens if you confess your feelings?"
I shook my head. "No. I can't do that," he said.
"Well, you can figure it out. And I hate to do this right now when you're kind of going through it, but I have to start heading to the Boys and Girls Club," he said. "But, totally let me know if you need to chat again, ok?"
I nodded. "Yeah, of course, have fun," I said. "And thank you."
"You're welcome. Take care."
After he left, I sat in the shop by myself, thinking about what I had just revealed to myself. I hadn't been in love in a long time, not truly in love. When I had been with Jeremy, I tried to convince myself I was in love the way people that age do, but I didn't love him. With Owen, a part of me did love him, but I always knew it wouldn't work out. I hadn't been in love since I had loved Kenneth.
I was in love with Lafayette, but love was terrifying. I couldn't quit because I loved my job. I couldn't quit because I didn't want Lafayette to think he was a bad boss. I couldn't quit because it's not like Lafayette would even have an interest in me. I couldn't confess my feelings to Lafayette because he didn't have the same feelings. Work would be unbearable if I did. And I couldn't confess my feelings because there was a chance my heart could break, just like it broke so long ago. I couldn't handle the pain again.
So, I made my decision. I would go to work. I would hide my feelings. I would put on a smile. That's all that I could do.