After Emerson left my office, I sat down in my chair only to just stand back up and pace. I couldn't sit still. There were too many emotions coming over me at once. I was so mad at Emerson. I was embarrassed. I was devastated. I was ashamed. No one was ever supposed to know about the phone calls between Richard and I. But why? It was my dirty secret. No one was supposed to know that I let him talk to me the way he did. So I was embarrassed that Emerson heard this, and ashamed that he knew I let Richard do this. But also, Emerson intentionally listened to my phone call. How could he do that? He knew trust was such an important thing to me. He knew I was private. But he knew that the phone calls ruined my day. He shouldn't have cared, though. I'm his boss. Nothing more...
After pacing around my office I went into the flat. I scarfed down a bag of potato chips and chugged a can of beer. I went into the gym and worked out, sprinting on the treadmill. I punched the punching bag as well, but I wasn't picturing Emerson. I couldn't picture him. I pictured Richard, then myself. I punched the bag so hard that the cover tore. After working out for a few hours, I felt sick. I took a shower which helped me. I didn't know what to do, but I had to distract myself. I got in my car and drove to the townhouse.
I stopped on the fifth floor and looked in Emerson's room. Ever since he moved in, I barely entered that bedroom. His stuff was mostly packed back up, but there were a handful of things across the room, like a notebook, a stuffed horse, and his favorite rainbow water bottle. I hated that I was going to miss him. I shouldn't be missing him. I shouldn't be missing him right now, but I did. I didn't want to fire him. None of this should have happened. I never should have let him stay with me. He was my employee. I shouldn't know about him as much as I do. I shouldn't care about him as much as I do. But he was so nice, and when he looked at me I could tell that he wanted to listen to me, to make me smile, that he cared about me. He was nice. He was kind. He was genuine. His eyes couldn't hide a thing. His smile lit up a room. He was so...
I had to distract myself. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my contact. Who to text? I landed on Liam's name. I texted him quickly, seeing if he could come over. He messaged me a few minutes later, saying he could. I freshened up in another quick shower and then put on sweatpants and a t-shirt. A few minutes later, Liam arrived.
"Hey there," he said, stepping inside.
"Hi," I said, shutting the door behind him. "I just want to be clear, I need you to distract me from my thoughts. Is that okay with you?"
Liam nodded. "That's fine. I figured this was going to be a no strings attached thing. I was supposed to go out with some friends tonight but they decided to be shady assholes, so I also need a distraction."
"I never met your friends, but I also never liked them based on what you said," I said.
He shrugged. "These are even new friends I've made. I guess I'm just bad at picking the right friends. But it's ok." He walked upstairs to the second floor.
When Liam had come over while we were kind of dating, we used the bedroom on the second floor. I didn't want him to come to my bedroom. In the second floor bedroom, I started with kissing him and taking his shirt off. Liam knew what I liked and he was easy to please. He was a very easy going guy in general. Sometimes he was too easy going to the point I questioned if he cared about me, back when we were together.
"Get on the bed," I said.
I turned off the light and crawled onto the bed over him. Liam was thin but still somewhat muscular. He was lean. He wasn't as soft as Emerson. Emerson had been so warm and his skin was like silk. I couldn't help but think about Emerson in my arms as Liam was in my arms. I clenched my eyes shut and tried to think of something else. I fucked Liam harder, the distraction not working.
When we finished, Liam sat next to me in bed. We scrolled on our phones in silence until I grew hungry. I went to the kitchen and snacked on whatever I could find. I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill for twenty minutes. When I was done, I went back to the bedroom where Liam was and kissed him. We fooled around for the next hour, finding different ways to get each other off. By midnight, we were both done with each other. I went into the bathroom to take one more shower. When I was done with my shower, I headed back downstairs to see if Liam wanted to stay the night or see if he wanted a ride home. On the way down, I heard voices.
"Do we have the wrong place, Em?"
"No, no," I heard Em say.
"Are you looking for someone?" Liam asked.
I raced down the stairs and into the foyer where I saw Liam staring at Emerson leaning against a rather incredibly attractive man. "Em," I said.
"Jesus Christ, why did you bring me to your CEO's place?" the man asked.
"I'm sorry," Emerson said, clearly drunk and emotional.
"It's okay," I said. "I can take him."
"Are you sure? I can take him to his place or his sister's," he said.
"No, but thank you. I think he just needs to sleep," I said. "Liam, I'm sorry. Do you mind if I take care of him?"
"No, not at all. I'm just going to grab my stuff," he said, confused, but went upstairs.
"Em, are you good? Your boss is going to take you now," said the man.
"That's okay. I want to sleep here," Em said, almost whining.
"Thank you," I said, putting my arm around Em and taking him.
Liam came back down the stairs. "Well, I'll just get out of here," he said. He looked at the man Emerson came with. "Wanna share a cab?"
"Sure. Em, text me you're ok in the morning, alright?" He looked at me. "Thanks."
I nodded and shut the door after the two, locking it. I grabbed Em and scooped him in my arms. I went to the elevator and we went up to the fifth floor. I took Em into his bedroom and set him onto the bed, but he immediately got up. He ran into his bathroom and threw up in the toilet. I followed and sat next to him on my knees. I brushed his hair out of his face. When he was done throwing up, I grabbed a hand towel and got it wet, wiping his face.
"I'm sorry," Emerson said, resting his head on the toilet seat.
"It's okay," I said, rubbing his back. "Come on. Let's get you to bed." I pulled him up and brought him into the bedroom.
He sat down on the bed while I took off his shoes. I grabbed a pair of pajamas from the clothing he left on a chair. Em was already unbuttoning his shirt when I turned around. "I'm going to get you water while you change," I said. I handed him the clothing and went to fill up his rainbow water bottle. When I came back he had successfully put on his pajama shorts and his shirt inside out, which was good enough.
"Drink some water," I said, holding the straw close to his mouth.
He sipped on the water, chugging it, but I took it away in case he got sick from drinking too fast. "Faye," Em said, leaning his head against the pillow. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I'm glad you came back here," I said.
Em wiped his wet cheeks. "I'm so sorry."
"Hey, it's alright, we can talk in the morning," I said. "Let's just get some sleep."
He shook his head, frowning. "I'm so stupid."
"No, Emmy, it's okay," I said. "Please, just get some sleep, alright? We can talk more in the morning." I knew he needed more reassurance. "I'm sorry for yelling at you. And I don't want you to be fired. I take that back."
Em covered his face with his hands. "I messed up," he cried.
"Sh, it's okay." I pulled the blanket over him and sat on the edge of the bed. I put my hand on his shoulder, rubbing my thumb against him. "Come on. Go to sleep."
Em was still crying, but also turned onto his side to get more comfortable.
I was nervous about leaving him alone, so I moved to the chair across the room, moving it close to the end of the bed so I could prop my feet up. Eventually, Em fell asleep. I nodded on and off over the course of the next few hours, until it was almost seven in the morning and Em got out of bed. He went into the bathroom and threw up again, but not as much. He came back out before I fully woke up.
"You should get some more sleep," I said, standing.
He crawled back into bed and held his forehead. "I have a migraine," he said.
"Let me get you an ice pack and some medicine."
After getting him some pain reliever and an ice pack, I decided to stay up. I went upstairs and worked out for about an hour. I showered, went to the bodega for a breakfast sandwich, ate it at my desk, fell asleep for an hour, and by the time I woke up it was almost ten. I heard Emerson downstairs moving about as I sat on the patio, playing Tetris. It was only a few minutes later that he came upstairs. He stood in the doorway, a series of sad emotions on his face, his hands clasped behind his back.
I put my phone down and sat up. "Good morning," I said. "Are you hungry?"
He shook his head. "Faye," he said. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have to do this," I said.
He walked over and sat down next to me. "I do, though. I don't want to pretend like everything is okay. Yesterday was so bad and I'm so sorry. I never should have listened in on your phone call, I just..."
"You shouldn't care about me," I said.
"It's not my fault," he said, his eyes welling up. "I just want you to be happy."
"Happiness has never come easy to me."
Em looked at me with his glistening eyes. "I think you are...a really great person, Lafayette. You go numb a lot but you also care for the greater good. You're a great listener and when you're nice you are so nice. I wish you liked yourself more and I wish you thought you deserved to be liked," he said.
No one had ever been so forward with me like that. Richard of course said hurtful things, but the intent was to hurt me and control me. Em saying this...he meant it. He wanted to make me feel better but he also meant it. I didn't understand how he could be so genuine sometimes. "Thank you, Em," I said quietly. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."
"No, you don't have to be sorry. I'm the sorry one."
"Well, too bad, I'm sorry, too. I just felt so embarrassed and ashamed."
He turned towards me more, saying, "Don't. That's exactly how that man wants you to feel. He is a horrible, disgusting man who is so undeserving of your time and energy. He doesn't have any power over you because you are a strong, capable man and he is a pathetic little worm that has to hide behind a phone. Could you take him in a fight?"
I chuckled, caught off guard. "Yeah, I could beat him up," I said.
"And I bet you're smarter than him and more talented than him. He is nothing compared to you. I saw a photo of him online so he's also ugly. You are way smarter, more amazing, more talented, creative, handsome, strong, incredible. He can burn in hell."
I laughed. "Em, now you're just being too kind," I said.
"But I'm not!" He moved closer again, his lack of personal space growing by the minute. His knee was on top of my thigh.
"Em, it's alright," I said. "But, I don't want to fire you. Will you still work for me?"
"Of course! God, I don't want to be jobless. That sucks," he said. "But Faye, please know that I'm genuinely sorry for betraying your trust. I only listened to the phone call because I realized he was the one who...you know. It was such a gut reaction. I mean, the way I was talking to you and telling you that you could fire me, that was insane."
"It was really impressive," I said. "I didn't know you had it in you to be so assertive."
"Me either," he said, smiling.
"Well, I understand why you listened in on my phone call, just please never do it again. You won't have to because you're right. I shouldn't take his phone calls," I said.
"Good. I'll make sure he never calls you again," he said, his face serious.
"Thank you. I actually really loved it when you talked to him like that. If he calls again just cuss him out for me," I said smiling.
"Will do."
"And also...I am sorry for yelling at you." I put up a hand to stop him. "And I have to apologize. I feel like I've let this work relationship between boss and assistant get out of hand. I should've paid for you to have a hotel instead or something. I shouldn't let you stay late with me. You deserve to have a normal work-life balance."
"Oh," he said. "I just..."
"Don't get me wrong, though. I really enjoy having you as a roommate. I can't say I regret it, and I know what you're going to say. You like being a hired friend, but at the end of the day the power dynamics between us are greatly skewed. I can't let the fact that I, you know, also care about you and feel a sense of...comfort, with you, get in the way of our positions."
"So...you do care about me?" he asked.
I shook my head, chuckling. "Em, come on. Yes, I think you would make a great friend and I think-"
"Would make a great friend? Am I not a friend?" he asked, pouting.
"Em, I am your boss. We live in a capitalistic society. Employees should never be friends with their bosses," I said, leaning against the back of the couch. "I don't want to burden you with my-my traumas or my stress, my depression, my anxiety. It's not fair."
"Well it is fair because I burden you with mine."
I laughed loudly. "Emmy," I said. "Look, let's just drop it. Tomorrow you will be in your own apartment and we will be better off. You'll have your space and I'll have mine. And besides, today will be a fun one. Sound good?"
Em sighed, but smiled. "Fine. That sounds good, Faye."