Chapter 31-
" Forever and Evermore. "
Rochelle Quinn's POV:
- Warning: Severe Manic Episode included with psychotic aspects-
He wants to kill Kade.
He wants to fucking kill Kade.
This isn't Ivan.
This isn't Ivan.
"Ivan, it's me." His eyes flickered between me and Kade, but his arms didn't move. "Talk to me. Look at me, Ivi, not him. Me."
"I can't." His voice cracked as his eyes became entirely focused on Kade's stiff figure. "Every time I look at you, I see him. I see Bulldog. He's going to come for me, Rocky."
I knew he didn't mean what he was saying, of course I knew that. But it didn't stop my heart from burning at the cold words.
Don't take any comments personally. During periods of high energy, a person often says and does things that he or she would not usually say or do, including focusing on negative aspects of others.
I noticed Kace moving himself towards Ivan slowly, as if waiting for the perfect time to attack him.
"Why is the gun on Kade then, Ivi? Why not me if I'm the problem?" I kept my tone quiet and submissive, so he wouldn't feel threatened by me.
"I can't hurt you, Rocky. I can't fucking hurt you." Ivan's hands started shaking as he spoke, I could see the clear vulnerability in his eyes. "If it wasn't for Kade, then we could just leave you here. We wouldn't have to stay. If I get rid of him then I can get as far away from you and Bulldog as possible."
Bulldog?
"Bulldog isn't here, remember, Ivi? He's gone, forever." This isn't Ivan. This isn't Ivan.
"No he's not! He's in you. I can see him in your heart! Why can't you see that?!"
Some people may experience hallucinations or delusions during manic phases.
"He's fucking crazy." I heard Kace mutter under his breath. It seemed that Ivan heard him too as he moved around rapidly until the gun was focused on Kace. I could hear Ivi's breathing accelerating as the mania and psychosis kicked in.
"I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. He's here. Get rid of him, Rocky, I need to get rid of him." Ivan repeated the sentences over and over again, as if he was trying to tattoo them permanently into his mind. His hands were moving so the gun moved from Kace to Kade.
The crazed glint entered his eyes again, yet I wasn't scared.
And I had to do something.
"I don't think you want to do this, Ivan." I moved forward, shielding Kade from the gun. Ivan looked at me as if I was insane.
"You need to move, Rocky, I'll shoot you. I swear to God, I'll shoot you." He tried to make his voice threatening, in a bid to warn me off, but I could hear was the panic etched into his tone.
This isn't Ivan.
"No you won't." I shook my head and took another step forward. "Memento Vivere, quia Memento Mori."
The rage in his eyes flickers as the phrase rolls off my tongue. He knew what it meant to me. He knew what it meant to us.
"You won't stop me from shooting him, Rocky. I need to get rid of him so I can leave, instead of killing the monster inside of you. He needs to go. He needs to go. He needs to go..."
I reached out and took the barrel in my hand, with Ivan still gripping the trigger.
"She's fucking crazy too."
"It's you or him, Rocky, you or him."
"I always thought I'd die a martyr." I shrugged my shoulders, "You already know that I won't let him die, not even to save myself. So if you need to kill one of us, then it'll be me."
Taking another step towards him, I lined the barrel up to my heart. I still wasn't scared, deep down I knew he wouldn't shoot me.
But I also knew a part of me still wanted him to.
"Pull the trigger, Ivan." I searched his eyes for the one thing I knew I'd find- fear. I spoke again, "I don't think you're going to shoot me, Ivan. I don't think you want to shoot either of us. I can see the fear in your eyes."
"Fear is the devil's greatest illusion." He whispered automatically, "Rocky, I need to get rid of him. I need to kill Bulldog. I need to get rid of the demon."
"I know, Ivi. I've got my demons too, remember? It's always been us against the world, forever and evermore right?"
"Rocky, I need to get rid of him. He'll kill me, he's going to hurt me again." As his lip shook and his eyes watered, an overwhelming sense of sympathy clutched my throat.
He was in pain.
Maybe not physically, but mentally he was broken.
Bulldog had torn us all apart.
"Pull the trigger, Ivan." I whispered again, taking a deep breath and feeling the barrel lined up to my chest.
"I can't." He whispered back, his voice breaking.
"And why not?"
"Because....because we're family." His eyes stayed on mine as I held my other hand over his. Now we were both holding the gun.
"And you're my family. What do we say about family, Ivi?" My voice was still quiet, so much that I'd be surprised if any of the others could hear me.
He spoke the mantra we had formed when we were just children as though it was something we had just created. "We always stick together- Forever and evermore."
"Exactly." I guided his fingers off the gun, taking it in my own and pulling it away from him.
I held it out behind me, releasing it when I felt someone tug it out of my hand. I pulled the broken boy into my arms and held my hand over his neck protectively, letting him sob into my shoulder.
"We've got this, Ivan. You're safe, I promise."
He cried, wetting my hoodie. His fingers wrapped themselves into fists in the black fabric as he cried for his sanity.
I shushed him, stroking his hair idly. "You're okay, Ivi. It's okay, just take a deep breath. We're okay."
"I'm so sorry, Rock. I'm so sorry." His cries made my heart ache with sorrow- He had nothing to be sorry for.
"I'm sorry too, Ivi, I'm sorry."
-&-
I sipped my coffee as the Jensen's sat down near me, looking at me accusingly.
I took another swig, narrowing my eyes. "What?"
Kace spoke first, his jaw hardening. "Why's the psycho upstairs sleeping? What are you gonna do if he goes on another rampage and kills us all in our sleep?!"
I dismissed the statement, scoffing."Ivi wouldn't do that. He hasn't got it in him."
"Hasn't got what in him?" Keegan asked curiously.
"He hasn't got the heart of a killer, he's soft." I countered easily.
"What and you do?" I ignored Kace's snide statement.
Kane looked conflicted as he studied my expression, "I can't believe I'm saying this Rocky but I don't think Ivan's stable. Out there he just..he looked shattered, broken. I think he needs serious help, like medical help."
"He's not unstable. You don't understand i-"
"What the fuck was that then? He's a psychopath."
I took a deep breath, trying not to snap at Kace. "He's manic, he can't control when he gets like that."
"Manic?" Kade questioned, eyebrows furrowing at the statement. His brothers looked just as interested. "Rocky, he could've killed me."
He sounded betrayed, it was obvious that his brothers reaction to him was hurting him.
"He wouldn't have killed you, Kade. Why do you think I let him put the gun to my heart? I knew he wouldn't shoot. He's not like that." I shook my head at his words. "He suffers with Bipolar disorder. He's had it since we were kids. Sometimes he'd get really happy and energetic for no reason, we couldn't control him and he just wouldn't sleep or listen to anybody. But then he'd get sad, he wouldn't move out of bed for days, he wouldn't sleep or eat. He was just empty."
I caught Kade's stare, keeping eye contact with him as I spoke. I let him see the pain in my eyes too. "When he was manic, he started suffering with psychotic episodes, delusions, hallucinations. Shit like that. What you guys saw was a delusion of...of a person we knew. It messes with his head. Growing up where we did, it would be hard to not get some sort of mental issue. But his bipolar just makes his feelings intensify."
"Is that why he's gay? Because he went around screwing people during a manic episode? I heard that's a thing?" Kace kept a neutral expression as he spoke, but I still caught the flicker of emotion at the glare I gave him.
"Watch what you say. Bipolar disease doesn't make you gay, nor does it change your sexual orientation." I scowled at him, "Hyper-sexuality is symptom, yes. But try to know a bit about it before you start talking about it. It's just an increase in a persons sex drive, it's not a big deal. People want to have sex, so what?"
"So he's a man-whore?" Kace grinned as he saw my increasing irritability.
"No, he's a person with a disease. He can have sex as much as he wants as long as it's protected. Being bipolar doesn't make him different, having a problem doesn't make him unnatural. He's human, just like you and me, but he's a damn lot stronger to have to deal with something like that everyday. He's strong, and I refuse to have a jerk like you ridicule him because of that."
*^*
This chapter was based off a suggestion I received a while ago! ð
Not the entire suggestion was used so I apologize but I did try to include it as much as possible so thank you!
QOTC: What would you like me to include next? ð
Thank you all for reading this chapter!
Until next time,
Laska ð