Chapter 58
" Love?"
Rochelle Quinn's POV:
- Warning: Mentions of Suicide, Abuse and Self Injury-
The hardest funerals I've ever been to were for those who are very much still alive.
I learnt early on that life fucks us all up, some more than others. People have different reactions to the damage life gives us.
Some crave addictions, a thrill to stop the mental pain even if it is just for a second.
Numbness consumed my entire body, attempting and faking to fill the empty void.
I felt like my heart had stopped the moment Kenzie's had been threatened.
My void stare didn't move from Kenzie's body.
The last few hours had happened so quickly that my brain couldn't register everything.
Kenzie tried to kill himself.
The Rossi's has shown up, with Jesse and Lana in tow. Some doctors had tried arguing with us about the amount of visitors we had but one flash of Kace's credit card had changed that. Kane was sat with Lana in one of the corners, his eyes never leaving his younger brother. Kade, Keegan and Sky sat leaning on one of the walls, exhaustion decorating their faces like the grandest of diamonds.
Ivan sat with Jesse, closer yet not too close to the bed. Alec was sat on the opposite side of Kenzie, with Kace next to him.
Kace Jensen always had a broken shard in his eyes.
Now the shard had multiplied.
The entire window was shattered into pieces.
I held Kenzie's hand in mine, finding comfort in the mild warmth.
He can't die.
He can't leave me.
"What if he doesn't survive this?" Alec quietly asked the question that we were all thinking. My heart clenched at the very thought.
Kace's jaw clenched and his gaze didn't wander off his brother, not even for a second.
"He's done it before." I tightened my hold on Kenzie's hand as Kace spoke. "He was 15; I found him. He never told us why, he swallowed a bunch of pills with vodka and wouldn't wake up. They told us he was going to die but he didn't." Kace looked up then, meeting Alec's awaiting stare. "Do not underestimate my little brother."
I shot up from my seat, rushing into the open corridor. My fists met the grey walls before I had a chance to stop myself, punching and hitting until all feeling in my hand was gone.
"Rocky, calm down." Alec stood behind me, watching me circumspectly. He tried to reason with me, but all I could see was the blood pouring from Kenzie's broken wrists.
The blood was on my hands just as much as his.
I should've done something.
I screamed, punching a random vending machine until the glass started to crack. I spun around, hissing my words at him. "He could've died! He's as good as dead!"
"You can't do anything about that." He shook his head, looking at me with dark tracks of sympathy in his eyes.
I hate sympathy.
"Yes I can." I punched it again, feeding off the sting on my knuckles. "I'm gonna go for all the monsters that ever went near him. I'm coming for all the people who twisted his light into darkness. I'm coming for all the people who made him think hurting himself is a way to solve his issues. His dad turned his life into a nightmare, so I'm gonna be his." I swore, taking a deep breath to try and steady my breathing.
"Why, Rocky?" I didn't respond to Alec's question, only furthering his suspicion. "Do you love him?"
You're not capable of love.
"No..I...I don't know." I stuttered, not being able to clear my head. "I just... I have this overwhelming urge to show him that he hasn't been loved before and I want him to feel that I can love him. I want to show him that he's worth the love he craves. He deserves happiness."
"You love him, Rocky." Alec said simply, his voice quiet and understanding.
"I can't love him, I'm not capable of love. I live to destroy. I feed off people's fears. I can't...I... Alec I don't know what to do." I shook my head, holding it in my bloody hands. I'm not capable of loving someone. "Please, you need to tell me what to do, I can't cope with this. I don't know what to do."
I signed, running my fingers through my hair. "God I need a drink, I can't do this."
"You won't be able to drink him away this time, Rock." I stared into my brothers eyes, suddenly wishing the entire world would swallow me up.
"You don't understand, Alec, I should've protected him. I should've protected Rowan. How can I ever forgive myself for this?"
"You know you can't protect everyone, Rock. This isn't your fault."
"But I should've tried. I should've done something. Fought harder, stayed with him more." I cried, my voice breaking. "I should've tried."
One more name echoed throughout my mind, and I chose to tell my brother something that could possibly ruin my life with the Jensen's forever.
"Alec, I....I need to tell you something. No one but Zach knows, and no one can find out. Okay?"
*-*-*
Kenzie Jensen's heart beated loudly throughout the room, the only sign of life his body showed.
Dark hair lay across his forehead, a neutral expression decorating his face.
Isn't it ironic that Kenzie looked most at peace when he was hanging between life and death.
"What the fuck happened, Kenzie?!" I clutched my head as I looked at his lifeless body.
"Suicide, seriously?" I scoffed at the idea that he could even attempt that. He asked me not to leave him, but then he tried to leave me. "Suicide doesn't do anything, Kenzie, in fact it fucks shit up. Kade is heartbroken, he hasn't stopped crying since I found you. Keegan can't get his head around the fact you wanted to leave them. Kane and Kace...well I'm just gonna say that I've never seen two people look so broken and empty at the same time. Kace thinks it's his fault! He thinks he should've protected you more, been a better brother. They fucking love you, Kenzie; They need you."
I paced around the room, sparing glances at the bed. "They said you might be able to hear me, but I'm not too sure. I don't care though because you need to know this."
I moved closer to the bed, skimming my eyes over the bandages on his wrists. "There's always going to be days when you don't want to be here anymore. You just stay, You fucking stay. Somewhere in this fucked up world, someone needs to hear your voice. I promise, I swear to God, your smile is someone's heaven. People need you in their lives. You might think that nobody needs you but all of this, your brothers breaking down in your room at the very thought of a life without you, Alec and the others coming to make sure you're okay. It proves that you are loved, and they need you to wake up. Just hold on, Kenzie. You want to die? Fuck death. You have a family. Death doesn't fucking get a say. "
Silent tears tickled my face while I looked at the helpless body. "And what about me? What would happen to me if you died, Kenzie?" My voice broke as the severity of the situation hit me full force. "You know that I...I feel something towards you, Kenzie. And I've never felt this way about anybody before. I feel like I could lose fucking everything, but not you. Oh god, not you. I can't lose you, Kenzie, you need to wake up."
But his heart monitor just continued beating.
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Really difficult chapter to write. Thank you all for reading.
If you need any support or help, please don't be afraid to message me or find a helpline. No one should ever have to go through depression alone.
Every single one of you are loved and needed, remember that.
All my love,
Alaska Johnson xx