Hope was exhausted. Empty. Drained. There were many words she could try to use to describe how she felt, but none could accurately capture all that was going on inside her. It was much like she'd feared and even worse. She'd wanted answers and now that she had them, she wanted nothing more to go back to the time she was oblivious and clueless.
Over the course of a few hours, everything she'd thought to be the truth about her life had completely come shattering down. It was as if she'd been living another's life the whole time and now that the bubble had burst, she had no idea how to deal with her new reality.
Finding out after twenty two years that she had two siblings she knew nothing about, and worse, ones that resented her enough to torture her for years and that her parents were not who she'd thought them to be . . .The whole thing was just too much to handle and she couldn't deal with it so Hope did what she did best when she was under pressure; she detached herself. She curled back into that safe space where it'd seemed like she was watching her life through a screen and it wasn't really her; her go-to coping mechanism.
Hope had pleaded with Alex and Raymond that she wasn't in the right mind to face her family just yet. She was grateful her discharge had been processed before she left the hospital. She just couldn't face her mum or Sophie in the state of mind she was in. She couldn't guarantee that she wouldn't breakdown or worse, say something she wouldn't say in her normal state of mind. It was bad enough she was still trying to shut the whole ordeal out of her mind but to actually face her mum? To watch her mum fawn and cry over her after knowing she'd selfishly had a part in ruining a woman's life would just be too impossible for her. She just couldn't.
She'd been more than grateful when Alex had immediately understood and asked her to go home with Raymond instead. He'd deal with Sophie and her mum. Hope was certain she could never have asked for a better brother in-law.
"Hope!"
Hope jumped, her heart racing for reasons unclear to her. "What?"
"I didn't mean to scare you like that, sorry," Alex apologized. "I said we're here."
"What?" She repeated dumbly before her consciousness returned and she really took in her surrounding. "Oh. Okay."
Hope hadn't realized she'd zoned out throughout the entire ride.
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" Alex asked, concerned.
Both Alex and Raymond were staring intensely at her and although Raymond hadn't said anything, his gaze unquestionably mirrored Alex's question.
"I'm fine. I just need to take time out to rest and process everything," she lied. She was nowhere near being fine.
They kept staring at her and when couldn't bear it anymore, she turned her gaze away from them and stared out the window.
Alex sighed, resigned. Turning to his brother, he said, "Take care of her."
Raymond nodded, his eyes still fixed on Hope who was determinedly staring out the window. To say he was worried was an understatement. After her breakdown at the police station, she'd gone quiet. Too quiet. Almost as if she'd locked herself somewhere far away from the world . . . If that was even possible, that is.
"Everything's going to be fine, Hope. Really."
She nodded, sparing Alex a tired smile before opening the door and stepping out of the car, a cue for Alex to leave already. There was nothing she wanted more than to be alone. She needed to be alone.
Raymond followed suit, alighting from the car. He waved a brief goodbye to his brother which Alex returned. Alex's gaze lingered on Hope for a bit more before he finally drove away from them.
"Come on, let's go in," he said, taking her by the hand and leading her inside. Thankfully, she didn't resist as she followed him quietly.
On getting inside, it was like the house was attuned to the emotions of the people that'd entered because the house seemed quieter than usual, or maybe it was just the events of the past few days getting to Raymond and messing up his head.
Regarding the girl standing just barely into the house staring at nothing, he grew even more worried.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He prompted.
She shook her head.
"Do you want to eat then? What would you like--"
"I'm not hungry."
"Hope . . . "
"I just want to rest."
"Hop--"
"Please."
Maybe it was the word, or the brokenness behind them that tugged at his heart, he relented.
"Okay." Huffing out a frustrated breath, he nodded and started making his way to his room. The minute they stepped in, she walked over to the bed and lied down, turning her back to him.
Confused and at a loss of what to do, Raymond stood there helplessly, wishing he knew the right thing to do or the right words to say to ease her pain.
"Please, do try to get actual sleep. Everything would be fine, okay?"
There was no response. She obviously wasn't asleep yet so Raymond knew that was his cue to leave. He did exactly that, slumping against the door immediately it closed after him.
For the second time in his life, someone he cared about was suffering and again he was unable to do anything about it.
â¢Â  ~  â¢
Raymond wasn't aware of how much time had passed, but it was dark when his eyes suddenly popped open. He wasn't even sure when exactly he'd fallen asleep.
His back protested as he stood from the uncomfortable position he'd been perched in against the door for God knows how long.
Hope.
Would she still be asleep? He debated checking in on her or leaving her for the rest of the night before his desire to at the very least see her won and he found himself opening the door, trying as much as possible to be stealthy so he didn't wake her up.
The room was blanketed in utter darkness and he assumed she was still asleep. He didn't want to turn on the lights in fear of waking her so he turned around, ready to tiptoe out the same way he'd gone in.
"Raymond?"
Raymond jolted at the quiet voice that'd called out his name. He instantly reached for the light switch and flipped it to reveal Hope still curled up on the bed, her head resting on both of her hands in almost the same position that he'd left her in. Only this time, she was facing his direction and staring right at him.
"I'm sorry. Did I wake you?"
She shook her head. "I couldn't sleep."
"At all?" He asked incredulously and she nodded. He instantly felt guilty that he'd fallen asleep when she'd probably been hurting all by herself. He moved closer to her to examine her face and it didn't look like she'd been crying. He wasn't sure if he should be relieved or worried at that realization.
"I'm sorry. I didn't . . . " What exactly was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to comfort someone who'd received the kind of shock that she had? "Do you still want to be alone?"
She sat up, her head falling back against the headrest. She shook her head and released a silent sigh. "No. There's no point."
"Would you like to eat something then?"
"No. Just--" She patted the space next to her. "Just stay with me."
Not missing a heartbeat, he climbed in next to her and pulled her close to him. A sense of comfort washed over him when she rested her head on his shoulders. He immediately chided himself. Why was he the one feeling comforted when she was obviously the one that needed it? He took her hand in his and they were quiet for the longest time.
Her voice was still soft and small when she finally spoke, a contrast to how bubbly she usually sounded, "I don't recall my father much, but I remember I used to adore him. I remember that much, and Sophie . . . She had all of these tales about him and it was so obvious he was a good father to her."
She went quiet and again Raymond was at a loss of what to say. He was almost relieved when she continued.
"How am I supposed to reconcile this loving father with what I discovered about him today? From someone that claims to be my brother, no least. My very own blood."
"Hope--"
"And my mum . . . " She chuckled humorlessly. "No matter how I think about it, I just can't imagine her kicking a pregnant woman out on the streets just like that. It doesn't make sense, you know? She's my mother for God's sake and I know her. She's not capable of that. She's just not."
"Hope."
"She really isn't," She insisted fervently.
Raymond felt more than saw the tears falling over his shirt, getting drenched in it. At least she was finally letting it out rather than bottling it up the way she had.
He tilted her head up and his heart ached at the anguish very clear in her beautiful eyes. He hated seeing her like this. She didn't deserve any of it. He wiped at the tears still streaming silently down her cheeks. "Hope, I might not have known your dad but your mum is one of the very best women I've ever met. She's kind hearted, loving and compassionate. Even if she did what he claimed she did, it doesn't change who she is. So what if she made a mistake years back? We're humans and we're all prone to mistakes, aren't we?"
"Her mistake ruined a whole family, Raymond. If it's really true . . . " Hope's throat clogged up at the thought and she could barely get the words out. "She ruined a family."
"I still maintain that you don't judge until you hear what she has to say first," Raymond insisted. "And regardless of it being true or not, I don't want you to see her any differently than you did before. Your mum's great, Hope but she's not an angel."
"I know, but if she'd just made better choices . . . He tormented me for years. Years."
"I know," he agreed. "But that wasn't your mum's fault. We're all allowed our choices, Hope and he made his. It's neither your fault or your family's. Look at Alex. He went through much worse as a child but look at him now. He's doing okay. It wasn't easy for him, but he chose to get over it."
"Not everyone's like Alex."
"I know. All I'm just trying to say is he could have chosen differently as well and there's no point blaming yourself or your mum for how things turned out. It's not going to do anything but tear you apart."
"But--"
"It's not your fault, Hope. It's not your fault. Okay?"
She knew that but . . . "Okay."
"And I want you to know that whichever way this goes, we'll figure it out together and deal with it together. The worst of it is over. It'll only get better from here and I need you to know that I'm here with you every step of the way. I'm not going anywhere, I promise."
A genuine smile curved her lips, eliciting a relieved sigh from him. He must have said something right, thank God. Her hands went around him and she burrowed her face thoroughly into his shirt. "You're amazing, you know that, right?"
"No, you're amazing. I don't think you realize how strong you are, Hope. I guess it runs in the family. You're built strong in there."
She chuckled, finding it hard to comprehend that her heavy heart had already lightened the few minutes she'd spent with him. She never should have doubted his ability to make her feel better. "Why do you say that?"
"Nothing. Just . . . I mean . . . After you went missing and I had to tell everyone about what you'd been going through," He chuckled, reminiscing what seemed like a distant memory in light of all that'd happened afterwards. "I don't know how it happened but your sister ended up being the one comforting me when it should have been the other way around, despite what I'd kept from them."
Hope's expression turned grim, recognizing the sullen tone his voice had taken. "You didn't mean any harm."
He continued as if he hadn't heard her. "I was so scared, Hope. I've only ever felt like that that one time Alex was sick and I was so afraid I was going to lose him. He was all I had at that time and the thought of losing the person that mattered the most in my life . . . I wouldn't have been able to handle it."
"I don't know what to say . . . "
He smiled at her, a tender smile that had her heart leaping in her chest. "I don't need you to comfort me, Hope. I'm trying to tell you something here. I wouldn't have been able to handle it just as I wouldn't have been able to handle it if anything had happened to you. I'm not as strong as you are, Hope. I'd have lost my mind."
"Well, we better be grateful I'm fine then," She joked, at a loss for something better to say.
His gaze was intense on hers and steadfast when he spoke next, his next words robbing her entirely of her breath. "I'd have lost my mind, Hope . . . because I love you."
Her breath hitched. The world seemed to stop and there was no space for any other thought in her head except Because I love you. Because I love you.
Raymond groaned, regretting his words the moment they were out. It wasn't because he was nervous or unsure about it. If he was being honest, he'd known it for a while and had only confirmed it after everything that had happened the last few days. It was the timing he'd chosen to voice it out. She was already going through so much and it was selfish of him to overwhelm her or worse, burden her even more.
"I know this is probably the most insensitive and worst possible timing I could have picked to make a confession, and I promise it wasn't planned or anything. You don't have to feel overwhelmed or pressured to say anything back. You don't even have to dwell on it even the slightest bit and--"
He was babbling and Hope would have found it extremely cute if she weren't feeling so winded and hardly able to gather her thoughts. "No."
"No?"
"No, I want to dwell on it and revel in it. And no, your timing isn't the worst. Look, the only thing that kept me calm when I was kidnapped was the thought of seeing you and my family again, but mostly you, no offense to my mum and Sophie. You have this calming effect on me, I don't know . . ."
He chuckled, surprised that he actually did feel a little bit nervous.
"I guess what I am trying to say is that I love you too," She stated, using the words he'd used earlier. "I think I've been in love with you for years. I'd only been hiding and deceiving myself that it was just a teeny crush."
"Hmmm," he hummed thoughtfully. "You did have a huge crush on me back then."
Hope snorted. "Oh, please. Are you ever going to get over that?"
He laughed, the sound beautiful against her ears. "Well, considering that it's now much more than a crush and you're madly in love with me, I might just consider dropping it."
"I think you're the one madly in love with me. Mr I-don't-know-what-I'd-have-done-without-you."
"Unlike you, I won't deny that I'm very much crazy about you," he said as he planted a soft kiss on her head. "You'll be fine, Hope."
For the first time that day, she honestly believed she would be.