I'm making my way over to the front of the building when I hear "Ms. Moore". I turn my body around to find Professor Withers peering out of her office right after I pass the room. "Can I have a word, please?"
She goes back into the room as I stand in the hallway worriedly, unsure what this could be about.
I slowly make my way into her office and she gestures to the chair across from her desk. "Have a seat."
I drop my backpack to the floor and follow her order as she also takes a seat.
She slides a piece of paper across her desk and then gestures to it, indicating that I should pick it up. "It's your exam from last week."
My eyes glance to the corner of the paper, where I notice 'C minus' circled in red. As much as I want to say that I'm surprised by the poor grade, I'm not. If I'm being honest, I wasn't prepared for this test at all. I was at Jack's house the night before and forgot to study.
"For a second, I thought I had graded the wrong exam," she says, looking at me as my eyes continue to scan the paper. "I don't know what happened, and while I'd love to offer you extra credit, if I do that, I have to extend the opportunity to the rest of your classmates, and I already did that a few weeks ago."
"I understand," I tell her, and she gets up from her desk, rounding the corner and leaning against it.
"You understand?" she repeats.
"Yes," I nod. "Don't get me wrong, Professor, I'm not happy about a C minus either, but I already submitted my application to Dartmouth."
"Just because you submitted your application, Ms. Moore, doesn't mean that Dartmouth won't be tracking your grades for the rest of the year." She scratches her neck as she watches me stay silent. "Is everything okay, Anastasia?"
"Yeah. This was just a careless mistake on my part. It happened once. It won't happen again."
She nods as she crosses her arms together. "I don't want to put any more pressure on you that I'm sure you're already putting on yourself, but exams in my class are 30 percent of your grade. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want once to be a recurrence. Not with Dartmouth in the picture."
I slowly nod as her words hit me. I don't want this to be a recurrence, either. Dartmouth is and was always the goal. I can't forget that.
"Thank you, Professor," I say, and she hesitantly smirks at me.
I leave Professor Withers' office and make sure to fold up my graded exam before sliding it into my backpack.
I meet Molly outside, at the front of school, where she's sitting on the top step.
"I was starting to think you left me hanging. What took you so long?" she asks, coming up to a stand.
"Sorry. Withers wanted to talk to me about something."
"Everything okay?"
"Yup. Fine," I lie and she looks at me skeptically.
"Okay...Henry texted us in a group chat and asked if we wanted to stop by Ground Central. He's offering free brownies."
"You know I'm never one to say no to free brownies."
***
It's hard for me to sit at Ground Central with a smile on my face. All I can think about is my grade on Withers' exam. I'm mad at myself for acting so irresponsibly. I guess I figured I was set with Dartmouth once I submitted my application, but Professor Withers is right...just because I applied, doesn't mean that I'm in. And it's definitely not a good look if I fail to maintain my 4.0 GPA.
"You good, Stassie? You're pretty quiet," Henry remarks.
"Mhm. Just tired. I actually think I'm going to head home in a little."
"Really?" Molly asks.
"Yeah. But you guys stay."
Molly looks at Henry, who's looking at me with a disappointed look on his face. "Before you leave...," he says, standing up and walking over to the bakery display case. He walks back with a chocolate croissant. "I know these are your favorite."
I quickly glance at Molly, who seems bothered by the gesture, and hesitatingly take it from Henry's grip. "Thanks," I softly smile at him.
When I get home, I immediately remove my exam from my backpack. Staring at the grade isn't helping me feel any better, but I can't help it. I've never scored below a B+ on anything before, and even that was hard for me to accept.
I don't blame this on Jack at all. I love being with him. But it's safe to say that when I'm with him, he's the only thing that I'm thinking about. I take full responsibility for the C minus. But maybe this was a little bit of a wake-up call that I didn't know I needed.
There's a knock on the door, so I slip my exam back in my bag, and go to open it.
"Jack, wh-what are you doing here?"
He steps closer to me and goes to kiss me on the lips, but I turn my face to the side so that he's forced to peck my cheek instead. "Just came over to see my girlfriend." I keep my hand on the door to block him from entering, and he laughs. "That is, if she lets me in..."
"Actually...I have a lot of homework to do."
"I'll be on my best behavior," he says, but I skew my lips.
"I think I just need to be alone tonight," I tell him and he looks at me confusingly.
"Alright..." He pauses, squinting his eyes. "Is everything okay?"
I chew on my lip and decide to give in. "Not exactly," I say. I pull the door open and move to the side so that Jack can walk in.
Jack follows me into the kitchen and I reach for the exam, handing it to him. His eyes land on the top corner of the page.
"It's a C minus," I tell him, even though I know that he sees it.
"Okay," he finally says, picking his head up to look at me.
"A C minus, Jack," I repeat when he appears unfazed. "Might as well be an F."
"Stas, you're overreacting. A C minus is like...average." I pout at him and he moves closer to me with his hands out. "Okay, so this wasn't your best work. But it was one time."
"Jack, one time is too many. Like you said, Dartmouth wants great. A C minus is not great. It's not even okay."
He reaches for my hand, and I let his skin touch mine. "Stas, you're being way too hard on yourself right now."
"No, that's the thing. I'm not being hard enough. And I definitely wasn't being hard on myself the night before the exam."
"What night was that?" he asks, but it hits him when I don't respond. "Oh. The night we were together. Shit, Stas, I'm so sorry."
"It's not your fault, Jack. It's mine. I should've been more responsible. But when I'm with you, I can't help it. You're all I think about."
He smiles modestly. "You're all I think about, too."
"Jack..."
"Why are you making it like it's a bad thing?"
"Because when I'm getting C minuses on my exams, it is, Jack."
"It was one C minus, Stas, and knowing you, it won't happen again."
"You're right. It won't." I pause, hating myself for saying what I know I have to say next. "I think we should cool it for a little. You and me."
"What? No," he asserts, and I force myself to close my eyes because seeing him hurting hurts me.
"I'm seeing myself start to lose focus, and I hate it. It's not who I am. It's not who I want to be."
He squints his eyes at me like he's trying to process everything, and then hoarsely says, "What are you saying? That we should break up?"
"I think we need a break. I need to get back on track with school and you have to keep yourself focused. You have lacrosse and..."
"I don't care about lacrosse."
"Jack."
"I know what you're doing, Stas."
"What are you talking about?"
"You're scared."
"What? Scared of what?"
"Of falling in love."
"I'm not scared of falling in love with you, Jack."
He glides towards me and covers my hands with his. "I know you're not scared of falling in love with me. You're scared of me falling in love with you."
I pull my hands out of his hold and scoff. "That's...that's not true."
"It is, Stas. It is. Because me loving you â me wanting you â makes this all real. It means that you can no longer hide behind your thoughts. You have to actually face what's in your heart. Right here. Right now. And that terrifies you. You rather live your life through your fantasies because that's easier. Because in fantasy land, heartbreak doesn't exist. Pain doesn't exist. Sadness doesn't exist. In fantasy land, you can write the story however you want it to be written. But in the real world, it's not like that at all. In the real world, heartbreak exists, pain exists, sadness exists. And I hate to break it to you, Stas, but you will experience every single one of those emotions at one point or another. In some form of another. But you know what else exists? You know what else you'll experience? Happiness. Joy. Knowing what it feels like to be loved and cared for by someone who will make you their entire world. And that's what I promise to do for you if you let me. I'll make you my entire world." He pauses, his eyes glistening when he looks at me. "You already are."
I don't know what to say. I'm speechless. All I can do is look at Jack with shock. With gratitude. With admiration. I am falling in love with him. Heck, I've already fallen. But he's right. Him loving me back makes this all the more real. And I don't know how much I believe in 'real' when it comes to love. Look at my parents. Look at how that ended. I'm scared that Jack will give his heart to me and then take it away, and I don't know if I can handle that. I don't know if risking everything I've worked so hard for is worth it.
Jack's right, fantasy is easier, and part of me prefers that route. That's why I stick with my choice.
"We need this time apart," I tell him.
I know he wants me to take it back, to change my mind, to acknowledge what he said and agree with it, but I'm not going to. Not right now, at least.
He starts to slowly nod his head, and even though it looks like he believes the words that I speak, the pain in his blue eyes tells me that he doesn't.
"Okay," he whispers. "If that's what you want."
He gives me one more look and I keep my gaze on him, remembering what him looking at me feels like. How it makes me feel excited. Wanted. Seen.
He turns around to walk away as I step back inside my house and shut the door.
Yes, that's right. I'll keep my love for him in my fantasies. It's safe there, where the real world can't touch it.