Chapter 30: Finding Forever: Chapter 29

Even though Cade was expecting it this time, the rapid whoosh of the fetal heartbeat had the same dizzying impact that it’d had last time. And he sank into the provided “new dad catching” chair as Lee-Anne had dubbed it.

His feelings now were much less ambivalent though. He found the rapid, obviously strong, tattoo of that tiny heart reassuring, almost comforting. After all, a healthy baby meant a healthy Fern. Less chance of catastrophic complications that could endanger her life.

Dr. Khan pointed to the various features… but it was wholly unnecessary today. There was no mistaking what they were seeing. That was a baby.

With a big round head, a tip tilted little nose, a firm chin, and a tiny mouth.

Cade blindly reached for Fern’s hand and squeezed, completely shaken by the unmistakable image on the monitor.

He said the first thing that came to mind, “Looks like Casper the Friendly Ghost.”

He immediately winced and wanted to kick himself for ruining the moment with such an inane, irreverent observation but Dr. Khan chuckled.

“They all do at this stage, although I’ve got to say, I’m shocked someone your age would know that reference.”

“My dad loves those old comic books,” he informed absently, eyes still riveted on the monitor. “He collects them.”

The fetus moved, lifting an arm and Cade gasped, before wrenching his gaze down to Fern, who was staring at the image with wide, tear-filled eyes.

“Did you feel that, Fern?” he asked breathlessly and she dragged her eyes away from the screen to stare at him in confusion.

“Feel what?”

“That movement, the little arm jerk?”

“Not at all.”

“You won’t feel every little movement. Not at this stage,” Dr. Khan said. She was measuring the fetus and quietly conferring with Lee-Anne as they fed the data into Fern’s patient file.

She set aside her tablet and picked up the wand again.

“I think it’s time we see if we have a Casper or a Wendy here,” the doctor said, smiling at Cade. She watched the monitor as she moved the wand in increments. Her smile widened and she pointed at the image.

“Aah, here we go, see the upward angle of that nub? Congratulations, you have yourselves a little man here.”

A boy.

Cade’s grip tightened around Fern’s hand as he watched her expression run the gamut from disbelief, to wonder, to excitement and then joy. He knew he was grinning like an idiot. He wasn’t even sure why, when he was absolutely terrified.

“A boy,” Fern breathed in awe. Her eyes met Cade’s and she smiled, a dazed, beautiful smile. “A boy, Cade. Can you believe that?”

Cade, whose heart had lodged somewhere in his throat, making speaking a physical impossibility, simply lifted her hand and stroked the back of it down the side of his face before placing a reverent kiss on her soft skin.

A boy. Their son.

His son.

“He’s beautiful,” Cade said, eyes fixed on the image of that perfect little profile. Little Casper wasn’t wriggling anymore, but his rapid, strong heartbeat never faltered.

Cade diverted his attention to Fern, who was still smiling broadly, her eyes never leaving the screen. His eyes lingered on her lovely features in awe. This moment felt sacred and he was so fucking happy and grateful to share it with her.

“He’s absolutely perfect,” he whispered, his voice too low to be heard over the sound of their baby’s heartbeat. “Just like his mother.”

Fern kicked off her shoes the second they entered the apartment. She’d been doing things like that more and more over the last month or so. It was clear she was feeling more at home in this place. Seeing it as her space too. She no longer felt the need to keep her clutter confined to only her room.

And Cade loved it. He loved coming home from the office to find random hair clips lodged between the sofa cushions, or various pairs of shoes piled up beside the front door. He’d once found a lacy, lilac bra draped over the back of the sofa. His room, where she’d been sleeping since the evening they’d decorated the Christmas tree together, smelled like her, her toiletries and cosmetics dominated her side of the double basin vanity but also encroached into his more spartan side.

More and more of her clothes had found their way into his closet, and he got a possessive kick out of seeing her colorful dresses and jumpsuits mixed in with his austere suits and shirts.

She was still bubbling over with excitement after the ultrasound.

“Oh my God,” she suddenly said, eyes bright, as dragged out her phone. “I should tell Beth. And Iris, of course. And Kenny, I’m sure Kenny will want to know.”

She hesitated—suddenly awkward—and looked at him uncertainly, reminding him that they still had a lot to resolve.

“That is… if it’s okay with you?”

He shoved his hands into his trouser pockets to prevent himself from taking her into his arms and nodded.

“It’s fine with me. Only, I figured you’d want to do one of those gender reveal things?”

Her eyes widened and she laughed.

“Oh no, parents usually find out the baby’s sex at the actual reveal party and that ship has sailed.”

“And that wasn’t something you wanted to do?”

“Honestly? It never even occurred to me. I don’t think it’s my style to be honest. Is it… would you have enjoyed finding out that way?”

“No.” The way they’d received the news had been perfect. It had been their moment. Her moment really, and he was fortunate that she’d chosen to share it with him.

“Thank you for today,” he told her, hunching his shoulders uncomfortably. “For including me. It meant a lot.”

She nodded and padded to the kitchen on bare feet. So, fucking pretty in her baggy—in order to accommodate her tiny baby bump—teal jumpsuit. Cade had seen her in a variety of bold colors since she’d purged her closet of the nun couture—as she’d called it—but teal had to be his absolute favorite color on her. It complemented her hair and added even more depth to her already beautiful eyes.

She got out a couple of bottles of water from the fridge, handing him one on her way to the sofa, where she sat down with a tired sigh. She took a thirsty sip of water and then pulled her feet up onto the couch to sit cross-legged while she watched him closely.

“Cade…” she began, her voice heavy and he tensed, uncertain of what to expect. Knowing—from that tone of voice—that it couldn’t be good. He sat down on the edge of the easy chair across from her and watched her intently. “From the very beginning, back when you accused me of fabricating my pregnancy, I assumed—no I believed—that the prospect of fatherhood was unappealing to you. Especially with a stranger, a woman you’d met once and with whom you’d had—what I now know to be—terrible sex.”

He winced at the vehement emphasis on the word terrible. But he couldn’t exactly argue with it. It had been fucking awful.

“Subsequently,” she continued and he refocused, happy to relegate that particular memory back to the deepest, darkest recesses of his brain again. “I said what I had to in order to protect myself and my baby. I needed your help and I was terrified you’d refuse to help me—us—if you thought I had unrealistic expectations of our arrangement. I wanted to make it perfectly clear that I absolved you of any and all paternal responsibility. Because, I believed that that was what you wanted. Was I wrong in that belief?”

Cade swallowed, then took a thirsty drink from his water to ease his parched throat.

“No,” he admitted hoarsely, giving her the honesty she deserved even though he knew he was probably shooting himself in the foot here. “You weren’t wrong.”

She nodded as if satisfied with his answer and swiped her thumb through the condensation on the outside of her water bottle as she stared down at the floor for a long moment.

Cade waited, wanting to speak, but sensing she wasn’t done yet and needed a moment to formulate her thoughts.

“A lot has happened between then and now, Cade,” she finally said, lifting her gaze back to his. “So much has changed between us. And since you’re bloody terrible at communicating”—He winced again—“I was wondering if you wanted to renegotiate the terms of our agreement with regards to the baby?”

He fought back his smile oddly touched by the stilted formality of her words. By the way she seemed almost terrified to meet his eyes while generously offering him this second chance at fatherhood he hadn’t known how to ask for.

“In my defense,” he felt obligated to point out. “There were no terms when it came to the baby, there was only you saying that you weren’t asking me to be a father to your baby. You made it pretty clear that I was nothing more to that baby than a sperm donor and it was hard to get past that. We barely knew each other, and even if I’d wanted to, I didn’t feel like I had any right to ask for, or expect, more.”

“I’m asking you now, Cade… what do you want?”

His eyes dropped to her stomach. He couldn’t see her bump right now, because of the way the fabric of her jumpsuit pooched in that area but that didn’t really matter. Not when little Casper’s perfect profile was indelibly burned into his brain.

“I want you to understand that if I allow myself to love that baby, that’s it. We’re in this for keeps. We’ll be co-parents and stuck with each other for a lot longer than three years. Is that something you could handle? Because this is—and always has been—about you, Fern. And what you want matters more than what I want.”

“That’s simply not true, Cade. What you want matters too.”

Cade had never believed that. He’d always placed his family’s needs ahead of his own. Had always said and done what he believed would be best for them.

Yes, he’d taken his pleasures, fleeting moments of physical and material happiness. Beautiful women, cars, a yacht, property… acquisitions which—while momentarily satisfying—had left him feeling hollow and lonely. The women had never stayed—he’d never wanted them to, really—and the material acquisitions were not rewarding when he had no-one with whom to share them.

This apartment, which he’d had for the last several years, had been an impersonal, expensive property that he’d stayed at a handful of times. He’d never had any particularly strong feelings about it. It was more private than a hotel, but sterile and cold for the most part. But during these few months of sharing it with Fern, it had become something Cade hadn’t really had in years…

It was home.

He hated leaving in the morning but looked forward to returning home every evening after work. Knowing Fern would be there with her wide, welcoming smile, music playing in the background, and her shoes tripping him up at the door.

He tried to smile, while he inexplicably felt like he was on the verge of tears. A feeling he hadn’t had since his mother had died.

“Fern…” he began, after taking in a huge gulp of air, feeling like a man about to walk out onto a tightrope suspended between two high rise buildings. And no net in sight. “What if I told you that I wanted you? That I want this”—He waved his hand expansively indicating nothing in particular, but also fucking everything around them.—“I want us. You, me… our baby. Together. Trying to make this work.”

“Cade,” she whispered. “We talked about this. Just because you’re now intent on being a father to our baby, doesn’t invalidate anything I said last time we had this discussion. I still don’t want to stay married for the baby’s sake. Or because it’s convenient. And makes sense. We can co-parent even after we divorce. We’ll be equal partners in raising our child. But I still don’t want a loveless marriage. No matter how convenient.”

“This is still about that fucking phone call you overheard, isn’t it?” he asked bitterly and pressed her lips together.

“It’s hard to forget. You said that you didn’t want to be a husband or father,” she reminded him .

He swore shakily and he folded his hands in an obvious attempt to hide their shaking from her.

“And because of those words I spoke, months ago, before I even knew you, I’m to be forever punished?” He shook his head helplessly.

“I don’t mean to punish you, Cade. Far from it. I just hate knowing that you’re trapped in a marriage with an ugly, boring moth,” she said.

“Now just a minute,” he retorted hotly. “I never said you were ugly. Or boring. How could I have when those are two words I never once associated with you?”

“It doesn’t matter whether you said them or not, it was how I felt after overhearing what you’d said.”

“Fern, I’m so fucking sorry you heard that. And I’m sorry I hurt you. But everything I said in that conversation to my father was true…”

She gasped in pain and he held up a trembling hand.

“Let me finish, sweetheart. The words were true, that’s how I felt the night we met, that’s how I felt when we married. But also true? Everything I told Mike Holmes about that same night. I was drawn to your quiet shyness. I was the moth that night, Fern captivated by your quiet, silvery moonlight.

“You’re absolutely nothing like the woman I’d thought I would marry someday, Fern. You’re so much better. More than I deserve really. With your humor and intelligence and kindness. You’re so fucking sweet, it kills me. We get along. We have off the charts chemistry. And I feel like we’re beginning to understand each other quite well.”

She was silent for a while as she absorbed his words.

“I’m truly sorry, Fern.” His quiet voice brimmed with regret and sincerity. “The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you. Part of the reason I said those things to my father was because the night before had really left me shaken. I was feeling a little exposed, defenseless and I didn’t want my father to pick up on that. And at the time I was still wrestling with the idea of the baby. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to remain uninvolved with you right there, taking up so much space in my life, pregnant with a child I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to know. I was reinforcing my walls. But I’m so goddamned sorry I hurt you. It’s the last thing I meant to do.”

When he put it that way, it was hard to remain angry or hurt. Not when she understood that he’d been confused and—even though he’d never admit it—hurt as well.

She sighed and nodded.

“I understand, Cade. So maybe it’s best if we moved on from that conversation for now.” His face sagged at her words and she was astonished by the amount of emotion he revealed in that all-too brief, unguarded moment. Relief, fear, gratitude, and something else. Something soft and vulnerable. Something she couldn’t quite explain, because she didn’t recognize it as anything she’d ever seen on anyone else’s face before. She didn’t have much time to analyze it though, before the shutters came slamming down again.

She was still trying to puzzle through it, when he spoke again.

“Fuck, Fern…” His voice was choked with all the emotion he’d swiftly hidden from her again. “I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness but thank you for giving me the chance possibly to earn it.”

She nodded, feeling a little awkward and nervously picked at a button on one of her jumpsuit pockets.

“I’m not really sure where we go from here” she admitted tentatively and he nodded.

“You have a support system now, Fern. No matter what happens between us. You’ll always have me, Beth and Gideon. Kenny. You’re not alone.

“And you have options, okay? We can make a go of this marriage. Carry on as we have been doing. But if that’s not for you, that’s fine too. You haven’t experienced life yet. Not really. You’ve missed out on so much and I’d hate for you to feel like you were robbed because you went from being a virtual prisoner, straight into marriage and monogamy. I know you might want to go out there and meet uh… guys. Date.”

He spat the word out as if it tasted vile, before giving her a sickly, insincere smile before continuing. “I recognize that it’s positively draconian to expect you to settle down with the first arsehole you slept with just because he happened to get you pregnant. I’ll respect whatever decision you make, Fern. And I’ll be there for you. And for Casper. You don’t have to do this alone.”

She gasped, her arms folding around her midriff protectively as she gaped at him in absolute horror.

“You did not just call this baby Casper!”

He looked a little chagrined at her words, a dull flush staining his cheeks as he grimaced.

“Sorry… it’s kind of stuck in my head at the moment.”

The man had only decided to be a father to this baby like a minute ago and already he had a nickname for him?

Fern didn’t know if she thought that was cute or if she was a little jealous that she now had to share her baby with him.

Or was she jealous about sharing Cade with the baby?

“As long as you understand that that is not this baby’s name,” she said with a little scowl. It felt strange that he now had a say in what the baby’s name would be. Even though she knew he should never have been made to feel like he didn’t.

This new status quo was going to take some getting used to.

“So what do you think you’re going to do?” he asked, eyes boring into hers.

“I don’t know, Cade…” she said with a droll little shrug. “You make the whole meeting men and getting my dating groove on sound so appealing.”

He scowled at that.

“I just wanted you to know that I’d understand if that’s what you wanted.”

“What I want…” is for you to love me.

She cleared her throat and started again. “What I want, is some time to figure out what I want. Nothing has to change in the meantime. But Cade, if you’re serious about wanting to be part of this baby’s life, I think that would be wonderful. For both of you. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel differently. That was not my intention. I just didn’t want you to feel pressured.”

“I understand and, in the beginning, I was…” He coughed into his fist, seemingly uncomfortable as he shifted his shoulders restlessly. “I was happy that you didn’t want me involved. It was an unforeseen complication and I resented having to deal with it when there was so much else going on. And I’m not going to lie, Fern, it’s still a huge mental and emotional adjustment, but knowing exactly what my role in his life will be… it helps. It helps a lot. And it’s a relief.”

“Then maybe that’s enough for now, Cade. Baby steps. We’ll figure this out.”

He smiled, an unprompted, unreserved, genuine smile. It was equal parts relief and joy, and showcased those Hawthorne dimples to maximum affect.

He was quite simply stunning, and when he smiled, he took her breath away.

“That works for me, sweetheart.” He got up and held out a hand to her. He tugged her to her feet after she took his hand without hesitation. Barefoot, the top of her head didn’t even reach his shoulder, and she got a crick in her neck when she angled her head back to meet his eyes.

He linked his arms loosely around her waist.

“How about we seal our temporary deal with a kiss?” he asked her, his voice taking on a raspy note that she was very familiar with and she laughed.

“That’s not very lawyerly of you, Cade. What happened to pages long contracts that have to be initialed and signed in triplicate? And is there any fine print I have to be aware of?”

“Just this one little detail…” His voice dropped, and he lowered his head to whisper the rest directly into her ear. “I can give you forever, Fern, but only when you’re ready for it.”

She jerked her head back to meet his somber gaze.

Despite everything he’d said about trying to make the marriage work, it hadn’t truly sunk in that he was pitching forever.

With her.

And Fern knew that she definitely did not want to spend forever with a man who didn’t love her.

She found herself unable to say a word in response to his whisper and he smiled again—only this time it was tinged with sadness—and kissed her.