3 8
Is This Really It?
The car ride is extremely silent.
I take the one moment of silence I've been given in the last three hours to think back on everything.
Malia's nudes, fighting with Cortney, Headmaster Perry's reprimanding, Rachel's words, Jalen's... well, just Jalen in general.
My right eye twitches for the fifth time in the last hour. A nervous and angry tick of mine that I haven't had the displeasure of dealing with since I was kicked off the swim team. Before that, it was when Mom and Dad took their first official break. And before that, it was when Dad had left for two whole days and Mom was an absolute wreck.
I glance toward the radio, thinking maybe some background noise will be good, but I know I need the silence.
It's about a ten or fifteen minute drive from Arlin Preparatory to my house. Today, it felt like an hour, but as the car pulls up in front of my house, it feels like it took one minute to get here.
Neither of us move. I don't unbuckle my seatbelt or get out of the car, and he doesn't ask me to.
I can't even bring myself to look at him. The tension between us is palpable. It's like I could grip it with my fingers if I tried.
My eye twitches again.
Jalen turns the car off and sighs.
I take that as the cue to get the ball rolling on this conversation.
"Why can we never go a few days without something bad happening?"
Jalen doesn't answer. I finally turn his way, just to check if he even heard me since my words had been so low. Pain shoots up my shoulder when I move, but I ignore it.
Jalen's blue eyes are on me the second he hears me move. He looks to my shoulder first. "Do you want to go to the hospital?"
I glance at the cheap sling the nurse put me in. "I'm fine."
"You don't look fine."
"Well, that's because I'm not really fine, Jalen."
"Then let's go to the hospital, Lyndon."
Twitch.
"You think my shoulder is the issue here?"
Jalen looks away, jaw clenching. "Tell me what the issue is."
"Everything that just happened."
His eyes stay straight ahead. "Oh, you mean the restraining order that had nothing to do with you? Or the pictures that had nothing to do with you? Or was it the fight that had nothing to do with you?"
"Are you being serious right now? You really think that didn't have anything to do with me? That whole thing started because of me, Jalen!"
"No," he says harshly, turning to me again. "It didn't. You involved yourself and made it all about you."
Twitch.
"Cortney has had it out for me for months..."
"Rachel did this."
I shut my mouth at his interruption. For a moment, I'm speechless. Maybe it's because he cut me off. Maybe it's because he's saying her name after what she just told me.
The longer I look at him and the serious look on his face, I get it.
"You don't believe that... do you?"
"Believe what?"
"That... that this was all Rachel's doing?"
Jalen stares at me blankly. "It was."
"No, it was Cortney. She was behind it all," I tell him firmly.
"Okay," he calls out, turning toward the window and sighing, throwing his hands up. "Here we go..."
Twitch.
"She is! She did this!" I yell. "What, you don't think she's capable of it? You said so yourself that she was the one who dug up information on my parents, and the second she found out about my dad's affair, she aired it out to the whole school!"
Jalen laughs. He fucking laughs.
"What the hell is so funny?"
"You think that just because she told the school about your dad that she would do this?" he questions, tone full of disbelief as he shakes his head to himself.
"That's exactly why I know she did this. Clearly, she's done it before," I say firmly.
"Lyndon, there's a big difference between telling the school that your dad's a cheater and posting someone's fucking nudes."
I swallow hard. I'm not sure if it's my stubbornness or my anger and annoyance clouding my judgement. Maybe posting Malia's nudes and restraining order against this apparent psycho ex she has is worse than airing out my family's business. But that doesn't mean hearing about my dad that way didn't hurt. Because it sure as hell did. A lot. And that bitch is responsible for it.
And it sounds like Jalen's making it less than it was.
He's defending her.
"It's the same tactic," I try reasoning. "Hurt someone by releasing something they definitely don't want out there."
Jalen shakes his head again. "It wasn't her."
"Why do you sound so fucking sure?"
"I just... know, okay?" Jalen says, stressing the words as he turns to me once more. "Cortney wouldn't do that to Malia."
Now it's my turn to laugh. I don't even care that he looks confused.
"Cortney hates Malia," I tell him, still laughing.
"A lot of people do," he responds, not letting my laughter stop him from proving his point. "Trust me, Cortney knows better."
She knows better? "What the fuck does that mean?"
Cortney... what? Knows Jalen will go ape shit if she does something bad to Malia?
Jalen doesn't respond, but the look on his face says it all.
Twitch.
"So... you're telling me Cortney didn't do this because it'd piss you off. But hurting me was okay? I'm fair game?" I mean for the words to come out harsh, to let my anger showâbut all that's apparent is the hurt, the pain.
Because you will never be his number one, not with Malia around. That spot is hers and hers only.
Cortney's words from before ring in my head, and suddenly, I'm struggling to contain all of my anger. Every single part of it that I've felt since I've gotten here is piling on meâevery doubt, worry, and insecurity is rushing to me.
Jalen licks his lips, opens and closes his mouth, then leans back in his chair, sighing. "Lyndon, Iâ"
"Bullshit," I spit out.
"You didn't even let me say anything."
"Because I already know what you're gonna say. A bunch of bullshit lies and excuses. And then I'll spend days, hours, weeks, trying to figure it out, decide if I believe them. And even when I really don't believe them, I'll still accept them, because I want you."
Jalen's face softens, and so does his tone. "I want you, too. And if you want me, then why are you starting a fight right now?"
You'll see it eventually, Lyndon. No girl will ever top Malia in Jalen's eyes.
"If Malia and I were both drowning, who would you save?"
Jalen's brows furrow. He lets out a quick chuckle. "What?"
My face remains serious, just as my voice does when I repeat, "If Malia and I were both drowning, who would you save?"
He's silent for a few seconds, before he responds. "Well, are you in a pool or the ocean? Because if it's a pool, you should be able to save yourself. If it's the ocean, my best bet is getting a lifeguard."
"I want a serious answer," I tell him.
"That was a serious answer. It was logical," he defends, before adding, "Well, as logical as it could be for that ridiculous ass question."
I turn away, not wanting to see his face for a second. The movement causes my shoulder to hurt, so I groan in pain, and then I groan in annoyance, in frustration.
"Fine, no hypotheticals then," I say as I look at him. "Right now, between me and Malia, who would you choose?"
"Choose for what?"
"For anything, Jalen."
He drags a hand down his face, looking exhausted. "I'm not doing this."
"Why can't you just choose," I say more than ask, because I honestly don't want the answer.
"There's no reason to choose, Lyndon," he says. "Why would I ever have to choose?"
I bring my elbows to my knees, then throw my head into my hands, not caring about the strain in my shoulder.
"Are you... jealous of her?"
I keep my head in my hands, but I can hear the confusion in his voice. How could he honestly be confused right now? Why wouldn't I be jealous? Anyone would be a fucking fool to not think Malia wins over them.
"Baby, look at me," Jalen says softly, bringing his hand to my back. He lightly pulls my arm from under my head, being careful to avoid making my left shoulder move. When he gets my eyes on his, he holds my gaze. "There is no reason for you to be jealous of my relationship with Malia."
As I stare into his eyes, I quickly realize it's not the threat of romance between them that bothers me. I have enough other reasons to be jealous of girls with Jalen. Between Cortney, this mysterious Elena, half the girls at school that he's slept with, and even Rachel's crazy ass claiming she was with him.
But it's Malia that bothers me. It's their closeness. It's the fact that I'll never be his number one.
Today proved that. He didn't react this way at all when Cortney did this to me. He believes Cortney didn't even do this because she knows he'd be mad.
But it was okay to hurt me.
From the second I got to this school, and met Jalen, it's been okay for him and everyone else to keep hurting me.
"I need you to choose," I tell him, keeping my voice soft and low. "I... I just need you to."
Part of me wonders if I'm asking for him to just choose between me and Malia still, or if I'm asking for something else.
Jalen's eyes flash across my face, and then his Adam's apple bobs up and down, and his hand is taken off of me.
"I'm not choosing," he says. "You're two completely different people in my life. This is fucking stupid."
"What's stupid is that you won't just say it," I tell him.
Deep down, I know his answer, and he does too.
Jalen's jaw clenches. "Fine," he spits out. "I'd choose Malia."
I nod my head and sit up straight, ignoring the pain in my shoulder.
"But I'd only choose her because she wouldn't sit here and fucking force me too," he says angrily. "Do you even realize how fucking insane you're acting right now?"
"Do you even realize how fucking insane you make me!" I scream at him.
His eyes widen as he points to himself. "I make you insane? You're the one getting jealous over the stupidest shit. Telling me to choose between you and Malia. What if I said choose between me and Noah?"
"That's not even remotely the same thing," I argue. "That's completely different."
"No, it's not. And if you'd actually listen to me, you'd realize that my relationship with Malia isâ"
"Not the same as mine with Noah!" I cut him off.
"Malia is my best friend, she'sâ"
"Not your family," I say firmly. "She's mine. She's my family. She doesn't fucking act like it, but she is."
"So... is that what this is? You're mad that I'm closer with your cousin than you are?"
Maybe... "I'm mad about a lot of things, Jalen."
"Like what?" he asks with a shrug.
"Oh my god, where do I even begin?"
"What do you mean where do you begin? We've been back together for, what, a month now? Everything's been going good. What..." he cuts himself off, takes a moment to look at me, then shakes his head. "I can't believe this..."
"What can't you believe?" I ask, wondering what just changed.
He lets out a humorless laugh. "We said we were starting over."
"We said we'd give it another try... not that everything from the past was forgiven and forgotten."
Jalen turns to me, jaw clenched. "Maybe not forgotten, but I expected forgiveness at this point. Or at least for this shit to not be constantly thrown in my fucking face."
"What am I throwing in your face? I haven't even mentioned anything!"
"But that's what this all stems from, right?" he asks, but it must be rhetorical because he keeps talking. "You still don't trust me."
"I... I'm... I'm trying to trust you," I say slowly. "You don't exactly make it easy."
"What have I done since we've been back together?" he asks, anger coating his words. "What have I done to make you feel like you can't trust me?"
I sit quietly, pondering if I really wanna open this can of worms.
Ah, fuck it. Go big or go home.
"Rachel," is all I say.
Jalen stares blankly at me. "What?"
"She said she had fun being a part of your game when we were on our break," I tell him, carefully watching his reaction. "Care to explain what the hell that means?"
He stays quiet.
Twitch.
"It's not a hard question. Were you or were you not with her?"
"First of all, I don't understand how that's relevant to what we're talking about," Jalen says.
"Why are you not denying it?" I ask, voice getting higher with panic.
"I asked you what have I done since we've been back together to lose your trust. You're bringing up something from when we weren't together."
"Stop trying to be reasonable and answer my motherfuking question," I ground out. "Were you with Rachel?"
He stares at me, then says, "Define with."
"Jalen, what the hell!"
"I didn't fuck her, if that's what you're wondering."
It was what I was wondering, but he's carefully choosing his words, which means something else happened.
"Then what did you do with her, Jalen?"
"We didn't have sex," he tells me again.
"I need an explanation right now."
Jalen groans in annoyance. "You always want one. Why can't you just accept my answer and move on? Why can't you just believe me?"
I feel like you don't believe me.
You don't believe me?
Why can't you just believe me?
It hits me just how damaged our trust is. The bad pattern we have of me not believing what he says. But is it my fault that his words mean nothing? He never gives the full story, opting for half truths and twisted tales.
He asked what he did since we've been back together to lose my trust, but the truth is, he never had it. He didn't have the chance to lose it this time because it was never given back to him. And maybe, he never had it the first time either.
Maybe there's never been any trust here.
"I can't do this," I say.
"What does that mean?"
"I..." I look into his eyes, and find myself wondering the same thing. I'm not sure. All I know is... "I can't do this right now."
I reach for my bag, movements slow because of my shoulder. This allows Jalen the chance to easily grab my bag and hold it hostage on his side.
"Jalen, come on," I tell him. "Give it back."
"So you can run out of here without solving any of this? No, not happening."
I huff. "I'll walk out without it. I don't care. I'm not dealing with your shit right now. I've had a long and stressful day, andâ"
"You think you're the only one?" he asks loudly over me.
I shake my head. "No, Jalen. Trust me, I know how hard today was for you," I say sarcastically.
"I'm not talking about that," he says harshly. "I'm talking about the fact that you think you're the only one who feels like they have to deal with their partner's shit."
I scoff. "Okay. Sorry my constant questioningâbecause you never tell the truthâirks you so much."
"That's not what I'm talking about either," he says with that same angry tone. Somehow his eyes grow darker. "Don't pretend I'm the only one who does shady shit."
"What shady shit do I do to you?" I ask while crossing my arms over my chest, becoming defensive. I immediately regret it as the position hurts my shoulder.
Jalen's eyes flash to my left shoulder, able to tell I've hurt myself more. His hardened features soften, and I watch his hand slightly reach toward me, before falling back into his lap.
"Don't act like you're the only one in this relationship who has the right to not trust."
"What have I done that's been distrustful?"
"Elijah," is all he says, tone coated with anger and eyes blazing with fury.
My mouth opens and closes, twice. "I... what...?"
"You love bringing up Malia, and Cortney, and now Rachel, and all these other girls," he trails off, letting out a humorless laugh to himself. The smile falls off his face as a scowl takes its place. "But you never hear me bringing him into this."
"Because... because there's no reason too," I defend. "He's my friend. Heâ"
His glare has me shutting up.
"Don't sit there and pretend all there is to it is just fucking friendship."
"It is," I say, lying my fucking ass off. "And if you had such a problem with it why'd you never say anything?"
"I wasn't exactly in the position to mention it. And honestly, even now, it seems stupid." He turns to me, dark blue eyes so intense I almost pass out. "You're my girlfriend. You're mine. I shouldn't have to question you about another guy, especially when he's my friend."
I slowly shake my head, not even sure what to say. "You don't need to question me because there's nothingâ"
"I know you went to his house."
Twitch.
"The night you found out your dad cheated. I know you went there. I know that was the first place you thought of going."
"It wasn't the first place," I correct, figuring it's better to not deny it. He clearly knows for sure.
He stays silent, looking at me.
"I wanted to go to you. I wanted to be with you, but... I wasn't sure if... I still thought you cheated, and..."
"Say no more," Jalen says dryly. "I get it."
"Nothing happened," I defend.
"I know." When I flash him a confused look, because he sounds so damn sure, he elaborates. "Eli told me."
"Elijah... told you?" I ignore the pit in my stomach at the fact that Elijah went and told Jalen, and never gave me the heads up.
"He didn't intend to," Jalen clarifies. "Danny found out from him, and David overheard, and of course told me. And... well, I went straight to the source."
"You confronted Elijah?"
"Damn right," he quickly says, a harsh tone coming back. "I've never driven somewhere so fast in my fucking life."
I swallow hard. "Why didn't you come to me?"
The anger leaves his face at that. "Because you were there looking for comfort over your dad cheating. Information you found out at school, information Cortney leaked. I couldn't comfort you or be mad that you didn't come to me when I was the reason it even happened."
"You were looking for me that night, and we saw each other the next day. You already knew about...?"
"Yup," he answers. "It's why I was paranoid. I knew you were upset, and Noah had no fucking clue where you were. David did his digging, found out you were at Eli's, and that's when I went."
"Okay, well, now I see why you never mentioned it," I say. "You were too busy having your stupid games exposed to be mad about me going to Elijah's house."
Jalen's jaw clenches. "Oh, trust me, I was still very angry about that. Still am, if I'm being honest."
"Don't be."
"Don't be what?"
"Don't be mad. Don't be honest. You never were before, don't start now."
"I am mad, and I'm gonna stay mad," he responds, ignoring the second half of what I said. "Especially because you're still too fucking close to him."
I laugh. "You're still getting engaged to Cortney eventually!"
Jalen reels his head back, shock replacing his anger. "What? Where did that even come from?"
"We're having a conversation about our relationship, right? Let's put it all out in the open. You are literally betrothed to someone else."
"I don't wanna fucking talk about that shit," Jalen says, waving a hand dimissively.
"But it's the truth. And it's why this," I say while motioning between us with my hand, "will never work out."
Jalen's eyes turn to slits. "No, don't blame that. The real reason this isn't working is because you refuse to trust me."
"That's because you're pretty keen on giving me reasons not to," I point out.
"That's bullshit. I've been on my best behavior since we've gotten back together."
"Oh, this is your best behavior? I'm sorry that not playing me, or cheating on me, or lying to me all the time isn't just regular behavior for you!"
Jalen rolls his eyes, then tosses my bag into my lap.
"Is this your way of telling me to get out of the car?"
"This is my way of ending the conversation before it gets worse."
"How can it get worse than this? Nothing's been solved."
Jalen looks at me, face blank. "It could get worse."
I nod my head and pull my bag onto my good shoulder. "I could definitely say a lot worse, that's for sure."
I open the car door and swing my legs out, somehow feeling both heavier and lighter as I exit.
I'm barely out of the car, though, before Jalen's saying, "Not worse than what I could say."
Quickly turning around, and almost giving myself whiplash, I grip the door and call out, "What could you possibly say? You already played your Elijah card."
Jalen smirks, and there's something almost evil about the expression. "You're underestimating that Elijah card, baby."
"Either say what you have to say or drive the fuck off."
Jalen shrugs, and looks me dead in my eyes as he says, "I should be the one not trusting you. There's a higher chance of you cheating."
My jaw drops. "Did you really just say that?"
"Let's go over the facts, shall we?" Jalen asks as he opens his door and exits the car. "One, you went to see Eli and almost spent the night without telling me. Two," he calls out, walking around the car, "you're constantly questioning me about cheatingâclear sign of passing the blame." He's closer now, slowly making his way to me. "Three, you were in a relationship when we met. Remember that, Lyndon?"
I swallow hard and nod my head. How could I fucking forget.
"Do you also remember how we were at that time? We might not have done anything, but the attraction was there, and I certainly knew you wanted me while you were with him."
I feel like smacking his smirk right off his face.
"And fourth... well, we both heard the rumors that day," Jalen adds lowly. "Cheating's in your blood."
My chest tightens at his words, at the fact that he's easily thrown something so damn hurtful back in my face.
I'm done. I am so fucking done.
"I'm not trying to be a dick," Jalen quickly says, tone softer now, and eyes slightly widened as he's probably realized what he's said. "I just... I've been trying to make this work, but you... you insist on not trusting me, and I wanted you to see that I have reasons toâ"
"Shut up," I say calmly over him. "Just shut up."
His mouth closes, and I watch as the worry and hurt floods in his eyes. Those eyes always told all his feelings, but right now, I couldn't give less of a shit. He brought my parents into this, so I'll do the same.
"You should be thanking your parents for setting you up with Cortney," I tell him. "Because with the way you act, you're never gonna find a girl willing to put up with your shit long term. They're doing you a favor."
"Wow," he says under his breath. "Now I know you don't mean that," he says with a laugh, but the humor fades from it when he takes in my serious expression. "You know what they're doing is fucked up."
"Might be fucked up, but honestly, with a kid like you, who could blame them."
Jalen's face remains calm. "You're just trying to hurt me because I hurt you, Lyndon. I know you. You just wanna see me in more pain than you."
Twitch.
I hate that he's right, and that scarily enough, he does know me. But I don't want him too.
"Baby, I shouldn't have mentioned your dad. I was just trying toâ"
"Hurt me," I fill in for him.
"No, I didn't want to do that. I wanted you to seeâ"
"That you could hurt me. And you did. Good job."
"Lyndon," he says while reaching for my hand.
I pull away. "I can't do this."
Jalen takes a deep breath in. "You finally decided what that means?"
I nod. "It means I can't do this," I say, motioning between us. "You're just so... I... we're not good for each other."
"Because we disagree about stupid shit? Baby, come on, that's no reason toâ"
"We don't trust each other."
"I trust you," Jalen quickly says. "I trust you, baby. I do. I was just trying to prove a point before."
"But I don't trust you," I say firmly. "At all. And I can't be with someone I don't trust."
Jalen's eyes rapidly search my face for something. "So you're just gonna break up with me?"
I open my mouth to say yes, but the word won't come, even though I know that's what I'm trying to do. It's just so hard. He's too hard to shake.
"You said you loved me."
I feel my heart burst into two at his tone, and the look in his eyes.
"I was wrong."
The words taste like acid. The lie burns my throat. But that doesn't stop me from continuing, wanting to inflict even the smallest bit of pain he's caused me with his own mistruths.
"I didn't know who you really were. I could never love someone like you."
"Lyndon, you know me," he says pleadingly, taking a step closer.
I take two back, wanting as much distance between us as possible.
Another flash of hurt crosses his face. And I don't know if I'm seeing things, but his eyes look glossy all of a sudden.
"You know me," he says once more, voice cracking.
I nod my head. "Now I do. And I don't love you, Jalen."
He pauses. Blue eyes observe me for a few seconds, that same look of pain lingering in them.
Seeing him hurting like this only serves as a reminder of how wrong my words are. Because rather than gaining any sort of pleasure at his pain, all I feel is my own increasing.
When you love someone, you don't want to see them hurt. It only hurts you more.
I feel like collapsing from seeing the pain Jalen's in.
I love him. I really love him.
But I need to love myself more, and protect my own heart. If Jalen loved me, he'd say it. He'd stop causing me pain.
He hasn't, and seems like he never will.
Along with Jalen comes his lies, his games, Cortney's antics, Rachel's new tales, Malia's drama, and everyone else at Arlin's input no one asked for.
My life has become a storm because of Jalen Uccello, and the only way to calm it is to let him go.
My eyes find Jalen's once more. A hundred different emotions flicker within them, before that beautiful blue ocean focuses on one: rage.
The scowl that comes to his face after has me worried about what he'll say.
And just as I second guess myself, and am ready to quickly take back my wordsâall of them, and tell him I've changed my mind, he takes all of one step closer and fixes me with a glare.
"You've been the problem all along, Lyndon," he says slowly, shaking his head. "And now you're running from the mess you made."
He's crazy. He's absolutely batshit crazy if he thinks any of this is my fault. I'm not the one to blame here.
"The only thing I'm guilty of is..." loving you... "choosing to be with you longer than I should have."
Jalen laughs, then says, "No, that was actually my mistake."
The admission of messing up has me shocked for a moment, until I realize what he means, what he's implying.
"Your mistake was playing me," I correct him.
"No," he quickly denies, jaw clenching harder. "My mistake was letting you make this official."
I swallow hard. Deep down, I agree, one hundred percent. Getting into a relationship with Jalen is the worst thing I've done, but hearing him say it, hearing him make it seem like it was all my idea and he just got dragged into it, fucking hurts.
But if accepting the blame will get him to leave, then fine, I'll take it all.
"You're right," I tell him.
He pauses for a moment, and the anger temporarily leaves his face, shock and something akin to hurt coming to surface, before it's pushed away for good, and that raging anger is back.
"Yeah, I am," he nods in agreement, taking another step closer. "I'm the one who risked everything just for... this."
The last word is said with disgust, as if all of this between us was such a big waste of his time. And considering how it's ending right now, I guess it was a waste of mine too.
But, wait a minute... "The hell did you risk?"
Jalen's jaw clenches, and he goes quiet. I fucking hate when he does this. It just shows he'sâonce againâhiding something from me.
"I hope you're not trying to blame me for your shitty relationship with your parents, because that was clearly there before we met. And it's not like I actually ruined anything with you and Cortney. So, as far as I see it, you're walking away from this just fine."
He takes another step closer, and now we're finally face to face, barely any space at all left between us. "Maybe if you weren't so fucking selfish, you'd see what's actually going on around you."
My eyes widen, and I throw my hands in the air, not caring that they knock into him. "Okay, now what the hell does that mean? Stop acting like I ruined things for you, when it's clearly the other way around!"
"Today was just one example of how you have made things worse than they need to be," he says harshly. "You talk a lot of shit about everyone who spreads rumors at school, but you don't seem to realize the role you play in it."
My fists clench at my sides now. My shoulder is still sore from earlier, but I'm ten seconds away from ignoring the burn and swinging at him. How fucking dare he place the blame on me.
"You are insane if you think any of this is my fault!" I scream, not caring if my neighbors are hearing or watching. I'm too pissed off. "No one would've even cared about me at that school if it wasn't for you! If you hadn't sought me out for your sick, twisted game you play for fun, then I would've never been wrapped up in any of this craziness!"
"You could've walked away any time you wanted too, and you know that," Jalen replies. "No one forced you into anything."
"No, Jalen, you just took advantage of the feelings I clearly had for you," I say snidely.
His jaw clenches once more at the word had, and I find myself once again wanting to take it back. I love you is what I should be saying. I really want this to work out between us is another option. And yet, I can't bring myself too. Because I know deep down that my love for him and simply just wanting us to last isn't enough.
"Did I?" he questions, but it's clear he's not expecting an answer as he smirks and continues speaking. "Because, to me, it seemed more like you just didn't want to be alone. Your boyfriend cheated on you, so you quickly found the next guy you could."
I don't have a response. I can't think of a rebuttal. I can't even ponder if that's because his words are true or if I'm just so damn shook over hearing them come from his mouth.
"Leave," I finally respond, voice sounding surprisingly levelled.
He doesn't move, so I bring my eyes to his, and hold his gaze. His mouth opens, then closes, and he goes back to just staring at me.
"I said leave!"
Jalen still doesn't move. I can start to feel my eyes watering, and that only skyrockets my anger, because I refuse to let him see me crying right now.
"Get the fuck out of here! Leave!" I scream again, knowing I'm causing a scene, but not caring one bit. I bring my arms forward, ignoring the strain in my shoulder, and push him roughly once.
My push barely nudges Jalen, and he keeps his eyes on me before turning his head to the side. I follow his gaze, and see a car pulling into the driveway. I quickly recognize it as my dad's.
The car door opens, Dad stepping out and closing it behind him, before pausing and looking at us. I drop my hands back to my side, and then use my right hand to adjust the stupid sling I'm wearing.
Suddenly it goes silent, and I can slowly feel the anger I once had evaporating. The crushing hurt and pain stays, though, and it fully crowds my heart when I sneak a glance at Jalen.
His eyes go from my dad to me at that moment, and for a second, they're clear, before he shakes his head and they go dark once more.
"You should go home." Dad's voice cuts the tension between us, as he adjusts his grip on his suitcase and walks closer. His words are obviously meant for Jalen, but he keeps his eyes firmly on me.
Jalen sends me one last look, and I quickly turn my head, not wanting to see him mad at meâor worse, hurt by me.
I don't wait to see or hear him leave either. I quickly turn and enter the house, wanting to reach my bedroom and lock the door before Dad gets in.
But it seems like he knew what I was planning, and didn't bother waiting to watch Jalen leave either, because he's by me within seconds.
"Wait," he calls out, the sound of his briefcase hitting the floor after. "We're going to talk."
I take in a breath, then turn around. "Am I suspended?"
Dad removes his suit jacket and sighs. "No, you are not. No detention either."
"I... how?"
"How do you think?" Dad asks, bringing his eyes to mine.
Clearly, he did something, paid someone or sweet-talked me out of trouble. "So, that's it? It's not on my permanent record?"
"You are in the clear. Any university or college you were accepted into will never know."
I nod my head, and swallow hard, struggling to say my next words. "Thank you, Dad."
He looks to me once more, before turning toward his discarded briefcase and lifting it. I take that as a sign the conversation is over, so I turn away once more. But his voice stops me again.
"We're not done here, Lyndon."
Taking another large breath, I face him, ready to defend myself. "Look, that girl is a major bitâ"
He holds up a hand, cutting me off. Then he focuses his gaze on me, and takes a single step closer after placing his briefcase onto the table by his jacket.
"I'm sorry."
My brows furrow. "Uh... why are you sorry?"
I should be the one apologizing. He had to leave work to go practically bail my ass out of trouble.
"I'm sorry for making you feel so unhappy in our home that you run off at crazy hours of the night to find solace in someone like him."
I remain still, processing his words. There's an apology in there for sure, but it's not the one I've always felt I deserved. He's shifting the blame onto Jalen, as if he's what's wrong here. And though our relationship has literally gone to shit, I won't allow my dadâor anyone, for that matterâto bad talk him like this. Make it seem as if I'd only ever want him because of how miserable I am.
"I love him," I say firmly, taking a step forward. "I go to him because I actually love him."
Dad tilts his head, considering my words for a minute, before nodding. "I love your mother," he responds. "And yet we're never happy together either."
I shake my head, and swallow hard, not liking the comparison he's trying to make.
"From what I witnessed out there," he adds, motioning toward the front door, "that isn't happiness."
I let out a humorless laugh. "How can either of us tell the difference, when no one in this family has been happy in a long time."
I expect an argument out of him, more ways in which he'll try comparing Jalen and I to him and Mom, but all he does is nod, and look back toward his stupid briefcase.
"You're right," he agrees, nodding once more, before raising his head and looking at me. "And I'm sorry for that."
Despite how much I just want to walk away, I remain frozen in my spot the second his eyes land on mine. I can't take the similarity between us, and I start wondering if our eyes are really all that we share.
"I am so sorry that you think what I just saw was okay."
I'm sure the sadness on his face mirrors mine, but I shake it away and finally turn, rushing to my room.
And then, I finally cry.
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A / N:
Hi everyone! It has been... a while. I had more than half of this chapter done, but it took me some time to properly end it. I know some people (probably a lot) will be upset by it, but there shouldn't really be any surprise that these two stubborn kids were gonna argue after last chapter's shit show.
How's everyone doing? This whole coronavirus thing has gotten so crazy. I've been home for a week now, trying to follow guidelines and stay inside. How's everyone else handling it? I hope none of you or your families have been infected. Stay safe.
P.S.: We now have five chapters left for this story.