3 3
Put Yourself Back Together
It feels like every pair of eyes are on me as I walk through the cafeteria.
Over the last several months at Arlin Preparatory, I've gotten used to the feeling of being watched like an animal at the zoo.
What's bothering me, and honestly has me ready to drop the stupid, brown paper bag from my hands is one particular set of eyes.
As if there's some sort of radar programmed in me, I know to keep my eyes away from the entire left side of the cafeteria. He's there, standing in the corner of the room. I just know it.
I can feel those extremely blue eyes on me, watching my every move. I want to turn that way and scream for him to stop, to finally leave me alone after everything he's done. But that'd make me look insane. And that's definitely solidifying his win. It'd show that he got to me, and I can't allow that. He already took too much.
Instead I scan the room for my twin brotherâthe most annoying person on this entire fucking planet, who's ironically become my safe space. My only space.
Noah's sitting at a table in the back right corner of the large room. His head is cast down, fingers rapidly moving over the screen of his phone. I push my legs to move that way faster, repeating over and over in my head to not trip over air and embarrass myself anymore than I've already been.
From the corner of my eye, I spot Malia entering the room from the other side. I spare her a full glance, narrowing my eyes as she passes. The most she does is stare for barely one second before she continues her walk toward Jalen and the rest.
Ignoring the dull ache in my chest that grows stronger after that, I finally reach Noah. I practically throw myself down into the seat, garnering the attention of my twin.
Noah looks up, face remaining emotionless as he nods in acknowledgement at me, then glances back down.
Cool.
Every so often his hand reaches up to grab some chips from his tray to place into his mouth. I decide to open my brown bag and pull out the sandwich I made myself this morning. I wasn't sure how lunch would go, so I wanted to be fully prepared to eat by myself in the corner of an empty hall.
Thank god for my brother, though. The ache in my chest becomes tighter as I realize he really is all I have anymore. The thought is bittersweet. We still haven't said anything to each other about what's happening with our parents, Knox, Jalen, Daniel, or David.
We honestly haven't spoken at all. But we are family, and though that doesn't mean shit to Malia, it does to Noah and I. I guess we both understand there's an unspoken loyalty we must have to one another. No matter what.
Halfway through my sandwich, I notice Noah's hands reaching toward his head. He removes two earbuds, then brings his similar icy eyes to mine. "How's your day been?"
I shrug a shoulder. "Alright. How about yours?"
He returns the shrug with one of his own, then places both arms onto the table and hunches over. "Just want it to end. Have you heard from Knox?"
I narrow my brows. "Knox? No, why? Something happened?"
Noah quickly shakes his head. "Nah, just... haven't spoken to him in a minute. He's been quiet."
"Of course," I say, nodding my head, and Noah does the same. This isn't the first time Knox has gone mute after witnessing another shitshow from our parents. "He's still going to class, though?"
After taking a big sip from his carton of milk, he looks at me. "I saw him during fourth period, so he's definitely in the building at least."
"How'd you see him during fourth period?" I ask, tilting my head to the side. "Are you cutting, Noah?"
Noah rolls his eyes, then leans back in his chair, making the front lift off the ground. "Just that class. Calm down, Lynnie."
I take another bite of my sandwich, chew hesitantly, then speak my next words lowly. "Is that you're one class alone with Daniel?"
"Don't," he quickly says, slamming the front of his chair to the ground. "You don't want me mentioning Jalen, so don't mention that shit right now."
I raise my hands in surrender. "Calm down, Noey," I say while mocking his deeper voice. "I'm just trying to keep the conversation going. The silence is killing me."
"You ain't talk to no one all day?" Noah asks with a laugh.
I think back to my unpleasant talk with Malia. "No one I wanted too," I tell him. "How about you, social butterfly? Are people talking to you?"
"Why wouldn't they?" he asks, sounding obnoxious as fuck. He leans back in his chair again. "I'm a good ass time."
Rolling my eyes, I ask, "Who'd you talk too? The freshmen who don't know any better?"
It wouldn't surprise me if Noah turns to the freshmen to talk. He avoids feeling shitty by hanging around people, and if Malia's right and we're truly social outcasts, the freshmen won't know any better but to talk with him. It'd make sense, to be honest. It'd explain how he knew Knox was even in the building.
"Don't judge me," Noah says playfully. His face turns serious as he says, "I did talk to Eli, though."
I raise a brow. "Really?"
Noah nods and grips the table with his hands, using that as leverage to move the chair as if he's swinging. "He's been cool about everything."
I remain quiet, and that results in Noah staring at me. "What, creep?"
He shrugs, continuing to swing. "Nothing, nothing. I was waiting to see if you talked to him, too, but I'm gonna take the silence as a no."
"I haven't even see him, so..." I say, and though the words are true, I'm not sure what I'd do if I did.
Last time we spoke, I was at his house, invading his and his mother's space, and pretty close to a blubbering mess because of my shitty parents. A lot has happened since then.
"You probably should," Noah says. When I took at him in confusion, he adds, "You know, see how he feels or what he knew...?"
"What'd you say to him, or what he'd say to you?" I ask, feeling my chest get a little tighter.
Did Elijah know? No, he's a good person. Then again, I swore Daniel seemed good, and it's clear to me he knew a little something about the games. Everyone at this school is untrustworthy.
"We didn't talk too much, and definitely not about that shit. I did ask if he knew about the Danny shit, and he said he thinks it was just a huge ass misunderstanding. As for Jalen..." Noah says, pausing his swinging long enough to continue his sentence, "that was a can of worms neither of us wanted to open."
"So, you don't even know if this kid knew?" I ask, narrowing my eyes. He kept talking to him even though he most likely knew Jalen was playing the fuck out of me? I sigh heavily, shaking away the annoyance. This isn't the time to turn on each other. "Doesn't matter," I say dismissively, waving a hand. "It's my problem, not yours."
Noah goes back to swinging. "I can make it my problem."
Hearing the tone of his voice and seeing that reckless look in his eyes, I quickly raise my hands. "No, no. Don't do anything that'll get you in trouble, you psycho."
Noah shrugs, still swinging. "Fine, but don't come crying to me when he still won't leave you alone."
"We're over and done with, trust me. I just want to forget this ever happened," I say, knowing damn well forgetting about him is close to impossible. But I mean it that we're done, we need to be.
"Someone should tell him that," Noah says, eyes flickering behind me. "The fucker hasn't taken his eyes off of you since you sat down."
I swallow hard, struggling to keep my eyes on Noah and not fling around to find Jalen. "Are you kidding me?"
Noah's eyes stay that way. "I mean, he's looked away a few times, but he hasn't gone longer than five minutes without turning back here. What the fuck is going on?"
"Nothing," I shake my head, the tightness in my chest increasing a little more. "Can you not look there?"
Keeping his eyes there, Noah says, "Nah, I'm waiting for him to look again so I can catch him."
"Noah," I call out harshly. I reach across the table to dig my nails into his hand. "Fucking stop."
"Ouch," he says, moving his hand and almost losing his balance on the chair. "Alright, alright. No need to try killing me, Lynnie."
I take in a deep breath, trying to get the ache out of my chest by calming myself down. "Don't involve yourself in this or make it more than it needs to be, alright?"
Noah nods, but asks, "So why don't you handle it once and for all?"
"What?"
"He's looking again. Turn around and tell that douchebag to fuck off for good."
"I... I can't," I say lowly, keeping my eyes on the table.
"Hm," Noah hums thoughtfully, making my eyes find his. "I don't even know who you are right now."
I stay silent, wanting to question what he means, but I can all of a sudden feel Jalen's stare. I can't speak.
"My sister wouldn't sit here all wounded as some asshole stares at her. She'd have already given him a piece of her mind, he'd already have gotten the message that he has no chance of getting you back, and there definitely wouldn't be this depressing ass vibe following her around."
I open my mouth, ready to respond. How dare he say that to me? It hasn't even been twenty-four fucking hours since I found out what Jalen did. I deserve time to process and deal with this.
My mouth shuts when I realize I barely waited an hour until I called Liam after he cheated, or barely waited two seconds before swinging at the girl who talked about my mother. I certainly didn't let another minute pass before I marched over to Rachel at the masquerade party to call her out for wearing the same dress as me.
I swallow hard, that same tightness in my chest only getting stronger as I realize he's right. He's so fucking right. This isn't me.
Then again, I haven't been me for a while. The games isn't the first shitty thing Jalen's done. No, he's been treating me wrong when his friends are around and never told me where the fuck he was the night of that party, leaving me with no other choice but to believe he cheated on meâsomething I'm so sure he did do now.
I've been a huge fucking pushover, and look where that's gotten me, what it's turned me into. What he's turned me into.
"Oh hell no," I say, shaking my head and sitting up straight. "As painful as this is to say, you're right!"
Noah nods encouragingly, pausing his swinging as a huge smile takes over his face. "Now prove me wrong and go over there."
I nod my head, knowing deep down it's not the best idea, but what do I have to lose? This is how Noah and I handle things. We're not Knox, we don't go quietly in pain. And we're not our parents, we don't pretend or act like everything's right.
We make it known that we're not okay, and we show that we'll be just fucking fine right after we take some action.
Just as I place my hands onto the table and lift myself out of my chair, the cafeteria doors open again. Cortney Rousso walks in. Ugh, as if I need more motivation to cause a scene. A confrontation between us has been a long time coming, and what better way to finally get it than doing it now? Get her and Jalen in one shot, kill two birds with one stone.
Noah's chair slams down onto the floor as he sees who it is. Cortney's eyes flash our way, but her gaze flashes to my brother and stays there. As their eyes meet, I see Noah visibly cringe, and Cortney's eyes roll before she shakes her head and keeps walking toward the table containing all the cheerleaders.
"Woo," Noah breathes out, pretending to wipe sweat off his forehead. "That was close."
"Um..." I say, retaking my seat and staring at him confused, waiting for him to get the hint to explain.
"I wasn't sure if she was the clingy type. She's clearly not, so..." Noah trails off, giving me a thumbs up along with a cheesy smile.
But I don't see any reason to smile. My face hardens, the lightness I was starting to feel evaporating fast. The tightness in my chest begins coming back.
"You... and... Cortney Rousso..." I say the words in pieces, still processing.
Noah shrugs, leaning back in his chair all relaxed again. "Not the best decision. She's kinda crazy, I know. But it all worked out in the end."
I swallow hard. "Uh... how long has that... been happening?"
Noah looks thoughtful for a moment. "I don't know, a month or two? It's done now. Who cares. I'm completely done with all the people at this school."
I point to myself, feeling my throat tighten. "I care," I say firmly. "Now, when did this really start?"
I'm hoping my questions clear enough without having to actually say it. I knew they were talking and that they'd been out once together, but what I want to know was when it turned more serious, when did they... get physical.
A sound of annoyance comes from my twin. "I don't fucking know. I didn't keep a journal detailing this shit."
"Noah," I say harshly. "You know what I'm asking. Because I was under the impression that nothing was really happening..."
I had thought she was just using him to get at me and Jalen, and that it ended after the New Year's Eve party when...
Oh no.
"Noah," I say again, adding some gentleness to my tone. Noah's never liked being told what to do or yelled at... who does? I need a new approach. "Please, just..." I say pleadingly. "When were you two..."
"Honestly, not much happened," he answers. "We hooked up a few times after a party and it fizzled out. Haven't really seen her since till now. I'm glad it's over and she seems to not care."
"The New Year's Eve party," I fill in, meaning to ask, but knowing deep down it's not even a question.
Noah nods, rolling his eyes again as he says, "Yeah, the one where you boy toy, oh sorry, ex boy toy tried ruining our night."
The tightness in my chest grows to be too much. I take in a deep breath but it doesn't seem to work. Instead I feel like I'm struggling for air as I grip the table, looking into my brother's eyes as I ask, "You were with her that whole night?"
When Noah nods, looking more hesitant now, I feel even more sick. I can taste the half of the sandwich I ate, feel it rising in the back of my throat. Oh no...
"That was the first time we hooked up," Noah informs me.
I shut my eyes, willing away the urge to vomit. I can't embarrass myself anymore than I've already been. Jalen and now fucking Noah have done that enough.
But that doesn't stop my eyes from watering at what this means, and how this makes me feel. Noah was with Cortney. The whole night. That's who she hooked up, and who she had been talking about that day in the locker room. When Jalen said he didn't cheat, he really didn't...
But was that him who she kissed?
"After Jalen confronted you guys..." I begin asking, pausing to swallow down the bile rising. I'm gonna be fucking sick. "What happened?"
"Nothing much. He and Cortney said some shit, I didn't pay much attention. Didn't really give a fuck. I just wanted..." Noah's voice trails off, the laughter he let out dying down.
His eyes are on me now. Focusing on how I look.
"Lynnie...?" he questions hesitantly. "Are you good? You look a little pale."
"Just tell me," I whisper.
"He walked off. I think a maid said his parents were looking for him, I don't know. I wasn't paying attention," Noah says. "Cortney and I left like right after that. I wasn't sure why we even went in the first place."
I know why. That bitch pulled her own Rachel on us. Rather than wearing my dress, she had Noah wear Jalen's suitâone similar to it. She knew what she was doing. She had to have.
But Noah. My brother. My twin. My family. He was apart of one of the worst nights of my life, and a big reason for why it turned out that way.
"I thought you were Jalen," I say, not caring about the crack in my voice.
"What?" he asks, leaning closer, shaking his head. "What are you talking about?"
"I saw you kiss Cortney and I thought it was Jalen!" I say harshly to him, practically spitting out the words.
Noah's face scrunches in confusion. "What?" he repeats again. "Why in the fuck would you think I was him?"
"Probably because you were wearing a similar suit and mask, and your hair was pushed back the same way his was, and you were with her," I tell him, voice cracking once again towards the end.
My eyes prickle with tears. I can't believe this. It was Noah with her, not Jalen.
It really wasn't Jalen.
"Why are you crying?" Noah asks, rolling his eyes after.
"Because!" I yell, as if that's an answer. "I spent months thinking Jalen cheated on me that night. Even when he told me he didn't, I still refused to believe him because it looked so much like him. You looked so much like him. And I'd bet my life that it wasn't just a fucking coincidence."
Noah blinks, then sighs. "So you're saying Cortney planned it?"
The disbelief in his tone makes me even angrier. "Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. She knew what she was doing. She wanted me to question Jalen. She must've known he would get mad about it."
I swallow hard at that. At the fact that Cortney must know Jalen so well enough to know my questioning would irk him.
"I still don't understand," Noah says.
Refraining from slapping him, I instead say, "What is there to not understand? The bitch played me, and you fucking helped."
"I don't understand why it matters," Noah clarifies in a hard tone. "You're getting hysterical over this, but why? Does it change anything, Lynnie? Does knowing Jalen didn't cheat suddenly erase all the other shit he did?"
My mouth shuts, and I lean back in my chair, the tenseness that overcame my shoulders disappearing. Does it change anything? He didn't cheat. Jalen didn't cheat. Which means he didn't lie when he said he didn't.
But he still didn't say where he was, and he's never been one hundred percent honest. Maybe he has technically been honest, he just hasn't been open. He's dodged so many questions, and had me doubting my own self and our relationship because of it.
And he played me. Made me fall in love with him for the sake of some fucked up game... yup, can't forget that.
So I guess the answer is, "No, it doesn't change everything," I say out loud to my twin. I fix him with a hard stare as I add, "But it does change some things."
Noah remains silent, leaning back in his chair. I take that as my cue to continue.
"It changes the fact that Jalen was honest about something. It changes the fact that I made myself sick for months over this," I tell him, eyes growing watery once more. "It changes the fact that Jalen isn't the only one to blame anymore for the pain I feel."
"Lynnie," Noah says. He closes his mouth after that, hands shifting awkwardly on the table between us, no doubt because of the tears he sees ready to come. "You're making a way bigger deal out of this than need be."
I shake my head rapidly, quickly pushing the rest of my sandwich into my brown paper bag. "No, I'm not," I say firmly. "And don't you dare try to tell me how I should handle the shitty thing you did to me."
"I didn't do anything to you," he calls out defensively.
"You hurt me, Noah," I respond. I toss my bag over my shoulder and prepare to stand. I take one single second to acknowledge that this is the second time in one day that I've had to grab my things and walk away from a family member who's acting more like an enemy. "I can't even look at right now."
Just as I stand, ready to flee, Noah calls out, "This is bullshit! You're acting like I'm the one who's lied to you and played you for months. You're taking your anger out on the wrong fucking person."
Turning around, I make sure to stand right over him. I don't care who's listening or watching. I don't care about anyone other than myself at this point, because apparently, I'm all I've fucking got.
"Noah, I'm more mad at you than anyone else. Knowing that you were apart of that hurts so much more than Liam cheating on me, than Dad cheating on Mom, than thinking Jalen really did cheat," I tell him, once again ignoring the cracking of my voice. "You were supposed to be my ally. We said we'd be there for each other."
"I have been there for you," he quickly defends, raising a hand to his chest.
A single tear slides down my cheek. "You promised to have my back, and instead, you were apart of the one thing that sent my life spiralling. And you didn't even care enough to notice or tell me the second it happened."
"Lynnie," Noah calls out with a sigh, "you're being really fucking dramaâ"
I don't hear the rest of his sentence, or anything else for that matter. I block out every sound in the cafeteria, only able to focus on the loud beating of my heart and the immense pain I feel in my chest once again.
ââââââââââ²âââââââââ
Similar to the night before, I spend hours crying in my bed. Cutting the rest of my classes was the smartest decision I could have ever made. The last thing I need is to be around anymore of those toxic people littering the halls of Arlin Preparatory High School.
My loud sobs morphed into silent cries somewhere into the night. I guess I had known my mother would be around at that time, so I didn't want to draw her attention. She had already made it clear yesterday she wanted to talk. I narrowly avoided her this morning, but if she catches any wind of me crying in my room, she'll barge in and demand to know why in a second.
"Lyndon?"
Speak of the devil, and she shall appear.
The knocking at my door grows louder the longer I stay quiet. I'm hoping she'll think I'm asleep and not come in. When the doorknob twists, however, I lose that foolish hope.
"Not now, Mother," I call out, voice muffled due to my face being pressed against my pillow.
The light flickers on, momentarily blinding me. Clearly, the bitch isn't leaving anytime soon.
"We should talk," my mother says. "We need to speak about a few things, actually, but let's start with why you skipped school?"
If I had any strength left in my body, I'd laugh at her priorities. Her daughter is crying hysterically, and she wonders why she skipped school?
"Wasn't feeling well," I say while burying my face further into my pillow. If she sees my eyes, she'll pry even more.
"Want some medicine, or me to make you some soup?"
Look who's trying to be motherly all of a sudden. "Nope, I'm good. Just need some sleep."
"Lyndon," she says in a warning tone. What the fuck does she want from me? "Sit up."
Rolling my eyes, I oblige, knowing there's no chance of her leaving me alone if I don't give her some of what she wants. "Happy now?"
Her eyes wander over my face, and it's clear she sees my blotchy cheeks and wet eyelashes. "Not at all."
"Well, good, because neither am I," I say bitterly before crashing back down onto the pillow.
"What happened, baby?" she asks soothingly.
"Like you actually care."
"I care, Lyndon," she says in an angry tone. "I've always cared."
"Hm, I don't think you do," I say with a soft laugh. Turning over, I stare up at her from my pillow. "We wouldn't be here if you cared."
Mom shakes her head and purses her lips. "You're telling me I wouldn't be keeping this family together if I cared?"
"Is that what you're doing?" I ask mockingly. "By lying to us about why we moved, and sweeping everything Dad did under the rug?"
Mom rolls her ugly brown eyes at me. For once, I'm actually happy to not share the same eye color as her. In this moment, I despise her. Usually I feel this way towards Dad, and though I still cannot stand the man for all that he's done, I'm feeling so much more hatred towards my mother than I ever did toward him. Right now, she's the one to blame.
Her hand delicately touches my shoulder. I sit up, making her hand fall. She sighs heavily. "What did the Uccello boy do?"
I clench my jaw. Sure, Jalen is to blame for most of this, but she's certainly played a large role, too. So did her husband, and her son, and everyone at that school she forced me to attend.
"Don't try and play the role of concerned and caring mother now," I tell her, narrowing my eyes. "It doesn't suit you."
"Watch your mouth, Lyndon," she reprimands, wagging a finger at me.
I eye her finger with disdain, feeling more angry by the second.
Before I can reply, she says, "I'm concerned about you. This isn't an act." The annoyance from my previous comment is still in her tone, but she covers it just as well as she covered all the shit my father did. "You haven't been okay for months. What's wrong?"
I let out a bitter laugh. "Being here is what's wrong!"
"Oh, baby," she says soothingly once more, sliding closer and wrapping an arm around my shoulder. "You need to just accept the move. Things would go a lot smoother if you would. Being here is not as bad as you think it is, I promise. We're all together again, and that's all that matters."
"Oh my god," I groan, pushing her arm off of me. "Do you even hear yourself? Nothing about this is okay!"
She tries reaching out for me again, and I dodge her touch. "Let me comfort you," she says, small smile coming to her face after. "Everything will be okay."
Memories of having to rush into her room to comfort her flash through my mind. Every time Dad fucked up, we were left with the mess that was our mother. I was left to be her shoulder to cry on, because Knox was too busy crying himself, and Noah had to tend to him.
I've been there for her more than she's ever been there for me.
"Save it," I tell her. "I don't want your comfort. I didn't get it before, so I sure as hell don't need it now."
Mom freezes. "Lyndon," she warns again. "Watch yourself. I'm trying to keep this family together, and your negative attitude isn't helping with that."
"This is all your fault," I tell her. "You're the reason any of this even happened!" I'm sure she has no fucking clue what I'm talking about, seeing as she doesn't know much about my failed relationship with Jalen. But it doesn't matter. I'm mad, and she's to blame. "If you weren't so desperate to be with a man that doesn't even want you, we wouldn't have moved!"
I know the words are harsh, especially coming from a child to their parent. But I mean them, and always will. I won't ever not mean them, or ever wish I could take them back.
Not even when my cheek stings from the impact of my mother's slap.
"How dare you," she seethes, standing from the bed after.
I turn to face her once more, biting the inside of my cheek to contain the scream I want to release from how much that actually hurt.
Rather than retaliating with fistsâbecause I obviously can't fight my mother, no matter how much I'd like tooâI use my words, and hope they hurt her even as much of a fraction as I've been hurt these past two days.
"Now I see why he did it," I say in a calm and low voice. "I understand why Dad wasn't happy."
It's such a shitty thing to say, but I get the result I want when Mom's mouth drops open in shock. She scoffs, clenches her fist, then quickly walks out the room and slams the door behind herâno doubt wanting to get as far away from me as possible before she does something she'll regret.
Well, at least she's gone. I got what I wanted.
ââââââââââ²âââââââââ
I'm aloneâjust as I should be, just as I want to be.
I've learned I'm better off this way, seeing as the people around me have a nasty habit of hurting me.
"Hey," a voice calls out from above me.
My brows furrow in confusion as I glance up. It's Dedra, standing with a tray full of fries and ketchup.
"Mind if I take a seat?' she asks, though I'm not sure why she bothered since she sits down anyway. "Is that all you're eating?"
I glance down at the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I threw together this morning. I was in a rush to get out of the house, since I didn't want to see Noah or my mom.
"Are you gonna talk to me?" Dedra asks with a light laugh.
"Why are you here?"
"Better question is why are you out here," she replies. "It's freezing fucking cold, but if you're going to isolate yourself, then I'm right there with you."
I stare at her. "You do know what happened, right?"
Dedra looks to me, then shoves a few fries in her mouth. "I know what Jalen did, and what David tried doing, and how upset Danny is. I also know right from wrong, and you were definitely wronged, Lyndon."
"Everyone hates me, so much more than before, as if that was possible," I tell her.
She shrugs a shoulder. "Who gives a fuck? Certainly not me."
I swallow hard, then continue to observe her. As nice as her company is, the lingering question on my mind won't go away.
"Dedra, did you know?"
She sighs, dropping her fries and cleaning off her hands with a napkin. "I knew the games were real, at least, at one point. I knew David did his fair share of keeping them alive, and Jalen pitched in, but I didn't know you were the latest target."
I process her words, and try focusing on the whole one point and keeping them alive part, but I can't stop myself from caring more about any possibility of Jalen's intentions being genuine. What's wrong with me?
"I thought it was real between you two, Lyndon. I swear I really did."
"I did, too," I whisper.
Her hand touches mine, and for the first time in the last few days, I allow the touch. I go as far as to return it, gripping her hand in mine. She smiles at me, and I breathe a sigh of relief at having one person on my side again. Maybe Dedra is lying, but I honestly can't see why she would or what her motive would be.
The chances of her even knowing about what Jalen's game with me was are so slim. It's clear her and David aren't serious, so why would he and his best friend trust her with their dirty secrets?
"I'm still your friend," Dedra tells me. "I always have been. Fuck David and Jalen."
I nod eagerly. "I can't stand them."
Dedra giggles. "Me either. And no offense, but fuck Malia, too."
"I agree with you there," I tell her.
"What?" she questions, eyes going comically wide. "Isn't that your cousin?"
"Blood doesn't mean shit," I inform her, rolling my eyes after. "I can't stand her either."
Dedra smiles widely. "Oh thank god! I always felt weird because she was related to you, but can I finally be honest? I fucking hate Malia!"
I return her smile, feeling just a little lighter at the topic switch. At least we can bond over this. "Why do you hate her?"
"Besides the fact that everyone here thinks she's perfect and she has no problem acting that way?" Dedra asks rhetorically. "Just her overall attitude. She thinks she's so much better than everyone, as if she doesn't have her own skeletons in her closet. She's such a snobby bitch."
I nod along, understanding how she feels. If I'm not mistaken, I sense jealousy coming off of Dedra. I don't point it out, though. I spent years living in Malia's shadow, wishing I could one day be like her, which then turned into despising her because I knew I never would be. I know how easily it is to fall into that mentality, and how shitty it is to admit.
"What skeletons does she have?" I ask, intrigued by what could be revealed.
Dedra tosses another fry into her mouth. "Where do I even begin? You're her family, you must know all the shit that goes on there."
I blink, pausing my hate for one second just to hope she's not implying what I think she is. Malia may be a piece of shit in my eyes, but if Dedra and everyone else are talking shit about her familyâher actual familyâthan that's not cool. Shit on the Carrington's and Malia all you want, but don't drag her mother, father, or sister into it.
"That whole thing with Kendrick Carrington and his sons is still so..." Dedra trails off, seeming to try finding the right word. "Sketchy."
"What exactly did happen?" I place my elbow onto the table and prop my chin onto my palm, glad we're back on track.
"Who fucking knows," Dedra says. "So many rumors go around about that. The only people who know the truth are those poor two boys that died, Malia, and most likely Jalen."
"Jalen?" I question, raising a brow. How the fuck would he know?
"Malia and Jalen tell each other everything," Dedra says.
"But what about David? I assumed he was Jalen's confidant."
Dedra lets out a laugh. "Yeah, right," she says sarcastically. "David and Jalen are more like brothers. You know, you can get along and would do anything for each other, but you'd really rather not have them and their opinion all up in your business?"
"Yeah," I say with a nod, thinking of Noah and feeling sad again, "I get it. So that means Malia's really Jalen's... best friend?"
"I guess that's the word for it," she tells me, leaning forward and whispering her next words. "Word on the street is that they messed around, but I really doubt that."
"Why? Why do you doubt it?" I can't even hide the tone of my voiceâthe pure excitement over having confirmation that nothing ever happened between them.
I shouldn't even care. Jalen and I are over, and never will happen again. I can't see myself talking to Malia again, or anytime soon at least. This shouldn't matter to me... and yet, it does.
"To me it seems like they're more so just really protective over each other, in a way you're best friend would be," she says, sounding so sure of herself.
"Okay," I say, nodding, "that kind of makes sense. Malia was constantly defending Jalen to me, but I don't think I've ever seen Jalen defending her...?"
"Oh man," Dedra says with a laugh. "You needed to be here last year then. I mean, even before that Jalen was crazy protective of Malia when her step brothers passed. Literally, he's known around the school as someone you do not want to fuck with because of the shit he'd say if anyone so much as looked at her like she did something wrong."
Dedra continues laughing, as if remembering some of the things Jalen's said. I wave my hand in her face for her attention, and once I get it I ask, "But what happened last year?"
She sighs, losing any traces of humor. "That's when the real protective side of Jalen came out. Malia dated this guy who was, like, kind of psycho. I wasn't around much, because David and I weren't talking," she pauses to roll her eyes, as if getting lost in another memory of the past that was the reason for why they hadn't been on speaking terms, "but anyway, from what I'd seen, Kenneth wouldn't leave her alone. It was creepy. Jalen flipped the fuck out."
"Kenneth was the guy?"
"Mhm," Dedra hums. "He was so cute and sweet in the beginning, but then towards the middle of junior he just went nuts. People said it was because Malia cheated, but I don't know. Even if she did cheat, that's still not an excuse for him to act the way he did."
"How did he actâ"
My voice is drowned out by the sound of the bell ringing.
"Shit," Dedra says, glancing at her watch. "I can't be late again. See you later?"
I nod and motion for her to go. I don't plan on going to my next class. It's health with Noah, Jalen, David, and Danielâfour people I'd really rather not see.
Instead I sit there processing, wondering if any of this even matters in the grand scheme of things. It gives me the insight I've always wanted into Malia and Jalen's friendship... but does it really matter anymore? It's the same with finding out that it was Noah with Cortney that night, and not Jalen. Does it matter?
A little voice in the back of my head tells me yes.
ââââââââââ²âââââââââ
The breeze blows my hair every which way, the hair tie I have not doing much to hold my ponytail in place.
But the coldness of the bench under my legs and the wind around my neck feels much better in compariness to the tense atmosphere in the house across from me.
I take in a deep, shaky breath, combing my hands through my hair. The movement does nothing to tame it, but it helps keep my hands busy. They had been shaking before, not from the cold, but from my thoughts.
I don't know why I keep letting Jalen occupy my mind. Him, his actions, and everyone else's that resulted in our downfall won't leave me alone. It was nice having Dedra earlier, but I can't help but still feel alone.
I don't like that feeling. I don't like feeling lonely, or shattered.
My heart was shattered to pieces, but that doesn't mean I have to be.
The backdoor across the yard opens, and Noah steps out, wearing a huge ass North Face coat. He stops a few feet away from the table I'm sitting at, hands stuffed into his pockets.
I set my eyes on his own, and he sends me a small, hesitant smile. "Is it safe to approach or are you gonna dropkick me if I come any closer?"
I sigh. "Lucky for you, I'm not in a drop kicking mood."
He remains still for a few more seconds, before stepping closer. "Safe to sit?"
"Noah," I say in annoyance. "Stop narrating and just sit."
He does, keeping a little distance between us as he pulls his hands out of his pockets. When I see the clear bag of weed in one hand and a lighter in the other, I find his eyes once more. He raises a brow at me, and nothing else needs to be said before we both move to the pile of wood still further down the yard, and begin rolling it up.
"So, I've been thinking..." Noah says after a few minutes of silence.
"That's never good," I interrupt.
I can feel his glare rather than see it, but Noah ignores my jab and continues. "I've been thinking about what you said."
I remove the joint from my lips and turn to face my brother, giving him my full attention. He sighs and places his own joint behind his ear, still having not lit it up.
"I'm sorry," he begins, looking almost pained to say the words. "I didn't know Cortney wanted to pretend I was Jalen, but I did know that she hates you, so I should have stood away because of that."
Though his eyes remain cast toward the floor, his voice does turn more genuine toward the end, and that alone shows me he truly means it. He's sorry. That's all I want, because if I'm being honest, I was always more hurt than mad. Not just at Noah, but at everyoneâat Jalen.
Knowing the person who hurt you is remorseful lifts some of the weight of the pain.
"Thank you," I tell him, then reach up to grab the blunt from his ear and pass it to him. "Now let's move past it."
"That's it? No getting on my knees and begging for your forgiveness, or making me redo the apology so you can record it?" Noah asks teasingly. His playfulness soothes some of the tension in the air, but it's clear as day in his eyes that he's truly wondering if we're really okay.
I shake my head, smiling lightly as I raise my joint to my lips. "You apologized once, and now we're getting over it. The preppy kids aren't worth dragging this out."
Noah nods eagerly. "That's a fucking fact."
We smoke in silence a little longer, before it's broken once more by Noah's voice.
"I apologized to Danny," he says so low I have to strain to hear. "But if you don't want me to be his friend again, I won't. Danny had to have known something, so just say the word and we'll never speak again."
I can tell by the firmness in his voice that he means it. He really would throw away his friendship he just salvaged if I asked him too.
"It's fine," I tell him softly. "You can be his friend if you want to. It's Jalen who was at fault. Daniel warned me many times about him, so did you, and so did fucking Mom, but I didn't listen."
"Leave it at Jalen's at fault, and scratch out the part where you say you didn't listen," Noah says. "It's on him, not you."
We go quiet again after that, silently smoking and hoping our parents don't catch us. Saint Knox isn't a threat at the moment since he refuses to even leave his room. But that's a problem we'll all deal with another day.
Right now I want to enjoy this first step of fixing what was shattered, even if it involves disagreeing with Noah in my headâbecause this couldn't have been all Jalen's fault.
He's a big part to blame, but I had a habit of not believing him, and maybe I can put myself back together, but that won't happen until I get closure. I'm just not entirely sure how to get it without re-breaking my own heart.
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A / N:
The pride I feel in myself for getting this chapter done, posted, and exactly how I wanted it to be is insane.
Hope you all enjoyed it. I'm really gonna try getting another one done, but I don't want to push my luck... lol. I might get it done, though, because I'm really excited for what's going to happen! (Side note: we have 10 more chapters to go!)
Once again, just in case I don't post another chapter, I wanna wish everyone a happy & healthy new year! I, for one, cannot wait for 2019 to officially be over.