Mr. Rodriguez lives in Puerto Rico. He owns a fishing equipment business that he started with three dollars, a boat, and a community that believed in him. His business grew and he has five stores in Puerto Rico. He has a wife of thirty years and three children. I look through the window of Mr. Rodriguez's room, while Dr. Strong discusses with Mrs. Rodriguez and Javier any concerns they may be having. The rest of the surgical team gathers around me. We are all taken in by the unfolding picture before us. Mrs. Rodriguez holds her husband's hand. The children each have an arm around the other. Now that's a tight unit.
I feel the hair on my arm rise as someone pushes up next to me. It's Bodhi.
"How are you doing?" he asks quietly in my ear.
I move away. He is too much for me.
"I'm fine. Focused. You don't have to worry."
Bodhi turns to the rest of the team.
"That's what makes it all worthwhile. That in there. Watching a loving spouse help their husband through the difficult times." He turns back and looks through the window with us. "Someone who is there for you no matter the circumstance, no matter the challenge. The two of you against the world."
"The five of them against the world," Amir adds.
"We can't fail her," Grace says, softly under her breath.
"We won't," Mark chimes in. "We won't."
The youngest boy wipes a tear from his eyes as his father talks to him. His big sister embraces him. It's all too much.
I make a run for it. I don't know where I'm going, but I need to be alone. This past week and a half has been one for the books. I think I'm a great surgeon, but I have never been distracted like this before. What is happening to me and my team? There is too much emotion for me to be comfortable. I see an open supply closet. I duck into it, close the door behind me, and cry. I cry and cry and cry.
"Are you alright?"
I must have closed my eyes, lost in my sobbing. Mark heard me through the door and had come in without my even knowing.
"I'm scared."
"Why? We can do this."
"I'm not scared of the surgery," I sniffle, wiping the snot dripping down my lips.
"OK, then what is it?"
"I'm scared of not having anyone there to hold my hand if I were sick. Hell, I'm scared of not having anyone there to hold my hand when I'm healthy."
Mark grabs a roll of gauze and hands it to me. I wipe my dripping nose and he slides down to the ground next to me.
"Nothing's guaranteedânot love, not our careers. The only thing that's guaranteed is that tomorrow comes and hopefully we get another crack at being a part of it."
He takes my hand in his. "Let's take a crack at it for that family this week. Next week, we can tackle our pathetic excuses for lives. But today, let's make it about them like we always do, together."
"Thanks, Mark."
"You know it, babe. Hey, we're a team, you and me, and a damn good one at that."
He smiles at me and suddenly I see him, that friend who has been by my side for years. Every day there, cheering me on and supporting me through the tough days. I am falling into his eyes and then I feel my lips on his. I kiss him gently at first, and then I kiss him hard and deep. Everything in me is saying yes, this guy is the guy. He is the one you have been looking for who was there all along. And then Mark pulls away from me. He jumps up and takes a few steps toward the door and turns around.
"I can't do this!"
"Why not?" I ask, seriously confused.
"Not here, not now, not with you!"
"Then where? When? Let's go somewhere else!"
I jump up, revved up.
Mark holds his hands up in front of him, like I'm a speeding car that is about to hit him.
"No!"
"Please!"
"Why is this happening?"
He's pacing and rubbing his head of curls. I am suddenly so taken with those curls.
"Because it is, and it should have a long time ago. Make love to me, Mark! I want to have sex with you now!"
"Now? Here? Just stop for a second! Let me get my bearings!"
He jumps up and down and turns away from me. He mumbles to himself and shakes his arms and legs. Then he turns around and looks right at meâlike right at me.
"Don't get me wrong. I've had many a night when your image has entered my mind while . . . and the thought of you was quite . . . but the problem is, you . . . "
Great, I think. Say no more. Lacy has such a big mouth. I knew I couldn't trust her.
"Shit! She told you. She blathered to you that I'm a virgin, didn't she?"
Mark is shaking his head. Not sure why, but I'm about to find out.
"She didn't tell me anything like that. What?"
"Damn it, I just told you, didn't I?"
"You're a virgin?"
"Yeah, unless you want to whip that thing out and get this over with?"
I'm resigned to go down in history as the only woman who was apathetic about losing her virginity.
"Is that what this is?" he asks, cringing like he's offended by my reasoning. "You just wanted to get it over with? I feel so dirty, and so flattered."
"Mark, you looked at me and I thought, we are a great team. Why not with you?"
"I'm sorry, Kate. I can't."
"Right, I get it. Too much responsibility in the deflowering department."
"No, I've actually had sex with a few virgins."
"Really?"
"I guess I'm safe to the less-experienced lover. I have, as you call it, deflowered quite a few grown-ass women."
"But none as old as me."
"You're twenty-nine. You're not old."
"For a virgin?"
"Maybe for a virgin, sure."
"Great. Then help me out of this."
I can't believe I'm begging Mark Friendly, RN, to have sex with me in the supply closet of my work. My life can't get any worse.
Mark takes me by the shoulders.
"I want to be very clear, it would have been an honor to make love to you over a week ago, awkward because I view you as a sister, but nonetheless an honor. But something has happened. See, this sexy ship, The SS Friendly, has set sail. It has fallen in love with your sister ship, The Temptress, or as you call her, Lacy."
"Who talks like that?"
"Me! I talk like that! Damn it, Kate, this is new for me. I like Lacy. I have fallen for her. That clearer?"
I can't believe I've asked Mark Friendly, RN, to have sex with me in the supply closet of my work and he is telling me he can't because he's into my sister. It actually got worse. And what sucks about it most is he truly looks in love. My only friend is in love with my sister.
"So you think Lacy is the one for you?" I ask, trying to be sure he is serious about this and not just trying to avoid having sex with me.
"I really think she is, and I can't be falling in love with one sister and having sex with the other, right? That would be wrong, right?"
"Very wrong."
Mark pulls me into him and hugs me the way friends hug each otherâa good, strong, full, goofy hug.
"You'll find him, Kate. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but you will find him. You're an amazing woman."
"Yeah, well Lacy is a lucky girl."
"Let's hope she feels the same way." He looks me in the eye. "Promise you won't tell her?"
"Promise. And you promise you won't tell anyone about my being . . . "
"Being a virgin? I promise."
We hug again and I feel for the first time we are actually friends. Friends the way people are supposed to be. Keeping each other's secrets and hugging it out.
Mark opens the door, "Shit."
I look over his shoulder and see Peter, Amir, Sandy, Javier, and Bodhi standing in the hallway.
"Well, I'll be fucked," Peter mutters. "We followed Mark to see if you were alright. Tell her, Mark."
"No, when I told you guys to wait, I meant go away and wait. Don't wait outside the door wait."
Mark turns and sees my embarrassment. "I'm sorry," he mouths.
"OK, show's over. Come on." He waves them away, shuffling all of them down the hall except for Bodhi.
Bodhi takes a sip of his coffee. Then he and I lock eyes. He gives me a smile and then turns on his heel and heads down the hallway behind the rest of the team. A moment of panic begins to swell inside of me. Every person on the surgical team knows I'm a virgin. Good grief, Bodhi knows I'm a virgin! I feel my blood pressure rising and my heart beginning to race, and then down the hall I see Dr. Strong heading toward the O.R.
"Dr.Matthews?" He stops and stares at me.
I nod and begin walking toward him. My career is what's important right now. My humiliation can wait. I feel my body release the embarrassment as I tell my mind to focus on what has to be done. Mr. Rodriguez's family flashes in my head. For them, I think. I head into the O.R. Everyone greets me professionally and we get straight to work. This is our last mock surgery and we are a well-oiled machine now. The exercise goes off without a hitch. We are ready to do this. My social life can be damned. I'm an excellent neurosurgeon, and I'm going to save Mr. Rodriguez and return him to his family and his community in Puerto Rico to heal.
I brief the team post mock surgery, and then I brief Mrs. Rodriguez while Mr. Rodriguez gets some sleep. Then I head to my office, change out of my scrubs, and get ready to leave.
"So, you are a virgin. I have to say that even I didn't think you were that pathetic."
Grace is on my heels and ready to pounce. I walk as fast as I can, but she wants this too much to fall too far behind.
"Glad it took a matter of a few hours for that to get around. This must be fun for you," I say, pushing the elevator button.
"Let me think. Yes, a lot of fun."
The elevator doors open and we both get in. I push the button to go down. Then I turn to her.
"Why is it fun, Grace? Because you have a perfect life and I don't? Tell me, why do you get so much pleasure out of making me feel bad about who I am?"
"Nobody's life is perfect, so grow up already. And I'm not here to make you feel bad, that's on you. Want some advice? You're almost thirty. Life is passing you by whether your cherry gets popped or not. Live a little, and stop acting like your career is all you are."
I feel a thud on my chest. I just got schooled by the only woman I can actually say I hate. I must recover and fast.
"I'm not like you. I can't do it all, be everything."
Great, I just whined my way through that.
"How could you be, you're not a vampire. Oh, and don't feel bad for me. I may be dead, but I'm still having lots and lots of sex. Next up, Bodhi Wells."
And like it was cued, the elevator stops and the doors open. Grace steps out and heads straight for the exit where Bodhi is waiting.
I stand there, watching them leave the hospital together. My heart drops and my brain is spinning. I just don't know what is important to me anymore. Every time I have it figured out, I'm thrown a curve ball. Or to be more precise, I see Bodhi and my priorities shuffle. I want to impress him with my skills as a surgeon, but there is a deeper need in me to impress him with my whole being. I want him to fall desperately in love with me and I don't know why. I head toward the exit, unable to stop myself. I'm going to catch up to him. I'm going to stop him on the sidewalk and say I don't know what, but I have to get this off my chest.
I'm almost running as I push through the revolving door. I stop on the sidewalk and watch Bodhi get into a cab with Grace. They drive past me. I spin on my heel and look back at the hospital. God, I hope they didn't see me. I stand there for a moment looking at myself in the window reflection. When did I become this desperate? When did I become such a coward?
"You waiting for a cab?" I hear behind me.
I turn around. It's Bodhi.
"I thought," I start to say, realizing mid-sentence I'm not supposed to know he just left.
"Yeah, I just left. I was sharing a cab with Grace, but then I realized I forgot something."
"You did?"
"Yes, I did."
We look at each other for a brief moment and then he sticks his hands in his pockets and leans on his heels. He wants to tell me something. I can feel it. Then he looks over his shoulder at the hospital. "Some papers in my office."
"Oh." That's all I can say. But what am I supposed to say?
"Well, see you tomorrow. One more day and then show time."
"Yep," I nod, "One more day."
He turns, pushes his way through the doors, and disappears inside.
One more day until the surgery; two more days until I turn thirty years old; three more days until Bodhi Wells leaves my life, possibly forever.