Chapter 8: 8. The Edge Of Seventeen

The Edge of Seventeen is a 2016 American coming-of-age comedy-drama film. The Edge of Seventeen tells the ever so familiar tale of navigating high school and the awkward teenage years just as your world begins to fall apart. [Source: Wikipedia, IMDb reviews]

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FFAEK: Emily still remembered Nadine's monologue, word by word.

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Chapter Eight: The Edge Of Seventeen

I paused in my steps and watched him from where I stood.

Half of his face was illuminated by the lights streaming from the restaurant. I could see the planes and shadows playing across his face; the strands of his black hair, his black shirt, his hand inside his pockets. The other half of his face was cast in the dark.

What a sight for sore eyes.

I couldn't tell why watching him made me feel a little vulnerable. The last thing I expected was to find him right here, right now.

I took a few steps to get closer, “Are you following me now?”

My voice reached him. He was looking up at the sky. But he glanced down. It took him a few seconds to place me first, considering he didn't expect to see me here either.

As soon as he saw me, his expression changed from looking soft and sad to cool arrogance and cockiness. With a smirk, he masked his previous emotions, “So you've resorted to following me now?”

There were many ways to hide from people. Nathan Callahan surely knew some. All his high school life, he had been doing exactly that.

“I have better things to do than following you,” I replied as I leaned on the wall, next to him, careful not to touch him with my arms or shoulders.

“Such as?”

“I was in debate all day,” I didn't elaborate further. He didn't need to know about how humiliated and defeated I felt right then.

“Then why do you look like you could use a hug right now?” He asked, turning sideways to me.

I imagined hugging him right then. Our height difference would make it difficult for him. He would have to bend down a little. I thought about his large arms wrapping around my shoulders, tucking me into his broad chest. If he tried, he could hide all of me in his embrace. Nothing or nobody would be able to reach me if he did.

When romance writers meant feeling safe in someone's arms, they probably meant arms like Nathan's.

I stopped myself before my romance-addled brain kept going off tracks.

“Hugging you would be a nightmare,” I rolled my eyes, "Why'd I ever hug you?"

Nathan smiled, “I never said anything about hugging me.”

I wanted to turn back time to take back what I'd just said. This conversation would surely be a part of my 3 A.M. Things I Regret Saying videography.

“Anyway, I didn't do well enough as I thought, so,” I said to change the subject, “We came here for dinner. What are you doing here?”

“What do people do in restaurants?” Nathan scratched his chin, “I wonder.”

I huffed, “You could be working, for all I know.”

“Nope, I do underground boxing, remember?”

I thought of punching the sass out of him. I must have glared at him while thinking that. He looked pleased with himself.

“I'm with my family,” he said after a while. “The whole entourage, mom, dad, Bear, Sawyer and me.”

“That's nice,” I murmured. Mom and I rarely ate out. With just the two of us, it didn't make much difference if we ate in restaurants or ordered takeout.

“If you wanted to meet my dad, Kingsley,” Nathan said, “this is your golden opportunity.”

He had to be kidding me. “What are you doing outside, then?”

I felt suffocated sitting there. I had exhausted my social batteries. I wondered what was up with him.

He looked away quickly. His mask of indifference almost slipped. It was subtle-the slight tremor of his chin-but I caught it nonetheless.

“The sky looks great today,” he said quietly, “The stars are really bright.”

It was so surreal having him say something like that. The shift in mood was welcome to me either way. I couldn't deal with sassy Nathan with the mental capacity I had right now. What I also wasn't used to was this Nathan who talked about the sky and the stars.

The sounds of the restaurant enveloped us. I turned back to watch my friend; she was not having a bad time.

“Do you want to walk around?” I said, and it surprised me. I had no reason to ask him that.

He had no reason to say yes. “Sure.”

I could feel a truce forming between us at that moment, to not talk about whatever had happened to us that day, as a form of escape.

When I looked up at him, I was met with the green of his eyes. “I'll retrieve my things then.”

I entered the restaurant and went back to our table. “I am leaving.”

“Already?” Leanna said.

“Yup,” I said, “I'll see you tomorrow.”

“How will you get home?” she asked. Simon was glancing at me.

“I'll call an Uber,” I leaned down and hugged her goodbye, telling her to text me once she was back home.

As I walked back, I had this fear that Nathan Callahan might have already left.

I found him going through his phone. Hearing my footsteps, he looked and turned off the screen. “Let's go.”

“Isn't there a park nearby?” I told him, “Although, I'm not sure if it'll be wise to go there now.”

Nathan shrugged, “We don't really need a destination, do we?”

I didn't like the idea of that. I always needed destinations. Walking around without any aim in mind gave me anxiety. Because we'd have to walk back to where we started. I'd keep thinking about the starting point.

Walking without any aim with Nathan Callahan would be similar to diving into the deep sea without knowing how to swim.

“Okay,” I replied regardless.

We walked side by side. I noted the fact that he must be walking slower than his usual pace. As he was taller and his steps were bigger, I should have fallen behind. But he slowed down, matching my pace and keeping me by his side.

“So, you bake?” I asked to start a conversation, even though I was lousy at it.

Nathan laughed. It sounded hollow. “I was wondering how long it would take for you to ask that. I could practically see your eyes flashing when Theo talked about that yesterday.”

Did I look too curious? I should be careful.

“I'm just trying to keep the conversation going here,” I shrugged.

“So you don't really wanna know?”

Every so often, all I wanted was to choke him; placing my palm around his throat and pressing it down. Something told me that if I really did do that, he would be smiling at me instead of being afraid.

“It's not a fun story,” Nathan rescued me from my insane thoughts, “Mom wasn't at home. I wanted to eat something sweet. So I pulled up a recipe and followed the instructions.”

“What did you make?”

“Chocolate soufflé.”

I looked at him with wonder, “On your first try?”

I couldn't bake myself, but I knew getting a soufflé right on the first try was too damn hard. It was a hit or miss, even for the chefs.

“Yeah.” Nathan said, like it was no big deal.

I wondered if he was a baking genius or if it was beginner's luck.

“What did you bake next?”

“Bread. Cupcakes. Chocolate cake. I made a cake for Sawyer's birthday. Then it was Bear's birthday. Shouldn't have let them know. Now I'm a household baker.”

I pictured him in the kitchen, flour on his cheeks, running around measuring things in cups, mixing, and checking the oven.

“Cute,” I murmured.

He heard it and glared at me.

I smiled. The look on his face changed. I realized I never really smiled at him in good faith.

He blinked, and I quickly looked away. “I could never bake.”

“Did you try?”

“Let's never talk about that.”

“Did you blow up the kitchen?”

“I can cook, but I can't bake.” I specified, “I can make a mean grilled cheese.”

“So what do we do with our talents? Go to MasterChef?”

That made me laugh, “Yup, you idiot sandwich.”

“Isn't that Hell's kitchen?”

“You watch those?” I perked up, “I love cooking shows.”

“Not dating shows?”

“No, thanks,” I scrunched my nose, “Those have nothing to do with romance.”

He laughed.

I watched the wind play with his hair. The strands got messier, falling over his forehead.

When I looked into his eyes, he was watching me watch him.

I glanced away quickly, “So, it's just a hobby, or like you wanna do it like a professional?”

“Huh,” Nathan shrugged, “I hadn't thought about that.”

“You do know what you want to do with your life, right? Like you have a dream of sorts?”

Nathan turned to look at me, “What's up with that question?”

I felt a little busybody, “I'm just trying to see if you're like everyone else. All of them know what they want to do. At least all of my friends. I feel like the only one who doesn't have a goal.”

“Are you gonna hunt for a job now or something?”

“We'll be seniors in a month,” I replied.

He pursed his lips, “I'll think about it when I get there.”

I sighed, “So I'm the only one losing sleep over the fact that I don't know what I want to do with my life.”

It was true. Leanna always dreamed of studying astronomy. Azra wanted to be a doctor. Malti liked Engineering. Erika had a passion for fashion, and Uyen liked art. They had specific dreams. Some of them even had a plan B.

To quote Phoebe Buffay, I didn't even have a pla.

“The world moves too fast for my liking. Sometimes I feel like I'm born in the wrong generation.”

“So you wanted to be one of the boomers?”

“No,” I said, “I feel I can't keep up with everyone around me. I need more time to get used to everything. I need to see what's coming up. Take mental preparations for everything. I can be spontaneous, but I also plan a lot. So I need to know who I want to be now.”

He murmured something under his breath. He was probably thinking I was crazy.

Then he stopped in his tracks, turned to face me.

“Don't you dream about falling in love?”

I wondered if he was having fun mocking me. “Yes, so what?”

“It's still a dream,” he said, “So you don't need to feel left out.”

Was he approving my dream of love? I was pleasantly surprised. I almost smiled. Then he kept talking.

“I mean, no matter how lousy that dream is, it's still better to have something rather than nothing.”

I sighed, “Don't you ever want to fall in love?”

Nathan walked forward, “Nope.”

“Why? Are you allergic?” I said, catching up with him in quick steps.

“Probably,” he chuckled, “It makes my skin crawl. Even talking about it. Especially with you.”

I shook my head, “You'd never find anyone like me.”

I said jokingly. I was definitely unique; it was a broad term, that one. Could mean both good and bad.

“Yeah, sure. You like to wear your heart on your sleeve, Kingsley.”

I knitted my eyebrows, “No, I don't.”

He laughed and looked at me.

“Somebody someday will break your heart into pieces.”

His green eyes looked straight at mine when he said that.

What he said wasn't far from facts. “I know.”

His eyes twinkled, like he had thought of something. He stepped closer to me, eating up the distance between us. “I have an idea.”

“I'm not sure if I want to hear it,” I said, my nerves catching up.

“Let it be me.”

I breathed out, “What?”

“If you must have your heartbroken, let it be me. Let me break your heart.”

“No, thanks.” I said.

“I swear I'll be gentle,” he said, as if that would change my mind.

“As if you could ever be gentle,” I murmured.

“Good thing, I know you don't like gentle, then,” Nathan whispered. I glanced up.

“How'd you?”

“You know the books you rea-”

I finally gathered my courage and punched him square in the stomach. I met with something solid-the cord of muscles.

I couldn't even make him feel anything with that, I supposed.

“What are you trying to do?” Nathan said, amused.

My knuckles were still in his abdomen. So he grabbed my wrist and removed it, “I'm trying to hurt you.”

“It will take a lot more than that to hurt me,” He mumbled and then rolled his eyes, “And you don't even know how to throw a punch.”

“Did I ask?” I glared at him back.

“You are so...what's the phrase, a glass half full sort of person?” Nathan said bemused, “How else does one have a dream of falling in love? It's so funny, Kingsley.”

I squared my shoulders, “I get it, Callahan, you disapprove my dreams. You don't need to be so elaborate.”

“I am not disapproving. I am doing you a favor here,” He leaned down, as if to look me in the eye, “Why don't you give it a second thought?”

“Are you trying to make me allergic to feelings now?” I said, begrudgingly. It would be easy, considering how I felt right now, embarrassed, humiliated and defeated from my loss of the day.

“Maybe,” He straightened, “It's always good to have company.”

“Yeah,” I said, “Misery sure does love company.”

His eyes widened and a moment later he burst into laughter. “Kingsley, you amuse me. Really. A girl full of romantic dreams in times when people are so afraid of commitments, all they want is situationships.”

I looked away.

“Instead, we could be miserable together, as you have said.”

“It's probably around 11. Mom would throw a fit,” I said, changing the subject. I turned around and started walking towards the restaurant.

“Really?” Nathan said as he turned back.

The gravel crunched under our feet as we made our way back. This time, in complete silence.

I wondered what his intentions were, telling me about how careless he could be. Maybe I should maintain my distance

Perhaps that was exactly what he wanted.

But then again, all we ever did was study chemistry together. So what harm could it really bring?

“See you tomorrow,” I said, stopping where we had started.

“You're going home alone?” he asked.

I shrugged, “No big deal.”

“It might be,” Nathan looked serious for once, “if something happened to you, it'd be on me.”

I sighed. “If you wanna follow me home and walk extra, who am I to stop you?”

“Nice way to ask me to walk you home.”

Without any reply, I turned around. Leaving him there, I started towards my way.

A few minutes later, I heard his footsteps behind mine.

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A/N: this is one of my favorite chapters :)

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