How does it feel to know that your son won't probably come to life?
Let's just skip this part and more practically ask:
What to do to cope with the fact you know your son won't probably come to life?
1- at all costs, avoid looking at baby products..
Because their sight will unnecessarily break your heart to pieces, and bring tears to your eyes, so if for example you were randomly watching TV and diaper ads suddenly jumped on the screen from nowhere then you have to immediately change the channel or turn the TV off, if you have your husband sitting with you then you can depend on him in catching the remote control in the speed of light and using it to make the ad disappear, because usually when such sad ads show up.. Your pregnancy hormones act quicker than your reflexes and you might need the help of someone else because you'll be busy having your heart aching.
I'm someone who is a TV addict, by TV addict I precisely mean that I don't necessarily like watching certain category of shows like movies, documentaries or even the news channels, I'm just someone who feels like the room is empty and something is missing if the TV screen isn't moving in the background.
Although there are indeed few channels that display no ads, but for an addict like me it's impossibility impossible to just be content watching only them, therefore, accidents like landing on baby food ads while circling the channels is unavoidable, so it's more crucial to only act quickly when seeing them.
It's so happened that in a certain weekend Eliyas left me sitting in front of the TV in high spirits and went to the gym room to do his workouts.
When he came back to the room again though, he found me burying my head in a pillow and crying.
It was only natural that he looked at me with a very confused and worried face then asked:
_" Are you ok? Are you in pain??"
_" You see this man?" I mumbled as I pointed towards the screen.
Eliyas shortly gazed at the twenty something man on the screen before quickly turning to look at me again with a very distressed expression.
I soon explained:
_" when he was a baby, they found him thrown near a garbage can at a public residence complex for the dogs to eat him, It's not about his story but tell me Eliyas.. How can people throw their children with ease? Is it that easy to have children? they don't want them? I would trade my life to have a son."
He quickly turned the TV off and wordlessly hugged me tight to his chest until I calmed.
It was only then that he weirdly commented:
_" people are like this I guess, we don't see the value of what we have and only see the value of what we don't.. That is including us Noursine.. You too for long years insisted on pushing me out of your life though you had me."
_" Are you saying I didn't see your value?" I coldly asked while pulling my self away from his embrace already getting ready to bring out all the files of our past and remind him of all the reasons behind my cruelty.
While gently smiling to me in opposition with my deteriorating mood, he properly fixed his sitting posture on the sofa and added:
_" Nor I truly saw your value back then, until you were gone, we were both blinded."
As he spoke, he swiftly took the remote control then clicked here and there, and before I know it he was already confirming erasing that certain channel from the list.
It was at this point that I forgot all what we previously were discussing and angrily yelled:
_" why did you erase it!!"
_" we already had trouble several times with this particular channel, and now you're even crying because of its content." He explained carelessly making my blood boil.
I gave him a threatening gaze and yelled:
_" the fact we had many troubles with it only prove how frequently I watch this channel!! One of my preferred!! You better search for it again and add it to the list now!"
After little trouble, the channel was included in the list again, though few days later, this particular channel had a very strange guest for an interview, one that barely ever showed to any public media although he's permanently in demand, when I asked this person who was so carelessly watching his own interview with me, and who by the way so "unintentionally" changed to this channel minutes before the interview, when I asked him why he made such an exception his reply was:
_" I had one condition, that they cancel a certain category of ads, I had to pay for the penalty tax as well and our team managed the replacement promotional.. They couldn't refuse."
_" aren't your side suffering only loss? Such interview.. how is it useful to you in anyway?" I commented as I continued listening to the blabla related to work that he was saying on the screen.
_" Aren't you watching it?" He asked indifferently..
Feeling a bit confused with this reply I turned to look at the real person, and so he did, while fixing his eyes on mine he added with the same tone:
_" You're watching it, it's not a loss.."
Before my heart had time to turn into a soft mush because of this man he added:
_" in the future, you don't have to be so careful.. You can watch this channel with ease, ads weren't the only arrangements we discussed."
_" You did this for me?" I mumbled feeling touched "to the moon and back".
He only nodded.
I smiled brightly, the kind of contagious smile that soon spread to him, as we both only smiled from a little distance, I soon looked back at the tv and said:
_" then, can you ask them to send you the unedited full version of this interview, I want to see it all, I don't think they would mind."
He didn't reply, I assume he only nodded again, and since I was not looking at him, I didn't see that.
2- at all costs, avoid thinking of names for your baby.
This task was easily executed for the longest of time, Both Eliyas and I only called our child " the baby", I thought he shared the same mindset as mine: not to feel attached so much, only when the time comes we'll select a proper name.
But then not everyone around us fully understood the pain we were living, that time when my mother in-law visited, while randomly chatting with Eliyas she so casually asked:
_" What should we name the baby? It has to be a name of significance, choosing a name nowadays became a matter of great importance."
I felt my throat constricting hearing her words, then I looked at Eliyas, and just like I expected, underneath a hundred layers of apparent indifference something in his eyes indeed broke.
It's very strange how I, his wife of 5 years, could tell the slightest change in his expression while his mother of whatever his big age is still stands like a clueless stranger in front of him.
Not only his silence didn't discourage her, it on the contrary provoked her to add:
_" If you can't think of a good name, then leave it to me, I'll start looking for the perfect name for my grandchild."
_" mother!" I yelled, the two of them turned to look at me so speaking a lot calmer I added:
_" you don't need to trouble your self, Eliyas and I will choose a proper name when the time is right."
Though she objected, and later spoke about a lot of other things, Eliyas's mood just didn't improve not a bit, in fact, later that afternoon when Nana visited me she informed me:
_" earlier on lunch, your husband didn't eat at all, when you were in the hospital no one could force him to eat when he didn't, but since you're back home now you should take more care of him."
Sighing I explained:
_" because his family visited, I asked him to eat with them.. It's good you told me, if anything happens with him in my absence don't keep it from me, you know how of little words he is."
It was only natural that I, the woman who loves this man the most, to feel concerned and decide to look after this matter, so soon after, I asked Nana to help me ask the servants to bring food to my room, as she left, I held my phone and called him ordering as he picked up to ditch his work and come immediately to the room.
He was at his bureau, since we moved our room downstairs, it didn't take him long before he appeared in front of my eyes.
Once he closed the door as he walked inside, he asked:
_" do you need something?"
Which was a very logical question, because earlier when my highness finished ordering him around, I simply cut the call without giving any explanation.
I inspected him carefully before I finally replied:
_" yes, I need to see your face, so come sit here and let me fill my eyes with your sight."
Somehow, this made him laugh..
As he stepped closer to me he said while laughing:
_" your way of saying you miss me is very elaborate."
Hearing his laughter was like music to my melted in love heart, so whatever was so "funny" about me missing him that it made him laugh, I decided not to ask about it not to mess my mood, but seriously speaking, imagine you're telling someone you miss him and he starts laughing like if it is a joke instead of lovingly saying he missed you back, it sure needs a great amount of endurance to overlook such serious lack of romantic reflection.
Anyways, I just randomly spoke about whatever until a servant finally walked inside the room pushing a cart in front of her with a tray full of covered plates on top of it.
While observing this, Eliyas soon asked:
_" you didn't eat earlier?"
I shook my head, then calmly said:
_" I ate my fill, and you.. Have you eaten?"
He only silently observed me and didn't give me any answer, the fact food was served meant that I already knew the answer, so he just obediently held the tray as soon as the servant left, and he placed it on his lap.
Few time passed though.. And he still didn't even touch his spoon.
Seeing this, I moved closer, and as I properly sat on the edge of the bed beside him, I kissed the tip of his shoulder and I whispered:
_" the soup is especially suitable for your taste today, it's not spicy at all, full of seafood flavor."
_"Noursine." He suddenly called my name without looking at me..
Then he remained silent..
Long time later he added:
_" last time, we didn't name our first child, he was too small to be buried or to have a name."
He couldn't raise his eyes to look at me when he hesitantly added:
_" this time, no matter how small he is, I want to have a grave to visit and a name to remember, can I?"
Although it was the hardest not to cry realizing that Eliyas really lost every hope, I still somehow managed to find strength as I circled his waist with my arms, I kissed the tip of his shoulder again and I said:
_" Our son is already in the age of being held in the palm of our hand, he sure has to have a name, if Allah chose to have him by his side, he sure has to be properly buried, this matter is out of the question."
_" then.." he suddenly added.. As he lifted his eyes to look at me he continued:
_" .. Can I be the father of Ayoub?"
The moment he said this name, I didn't know whether I should cry or smile, I could only comment:
_" You're so thoughtful, the name definitely suits our son, he has always been very patient and enduring."
_" you like the name? We can find another one together if you don't like it."
_" it's already settled, I think Ayoub is perfect." I replied with a smile.
While looking at me, Eliyas's face didn't have any change of expression, he soon put the tray back on the cart, then he cupped my face with his palms and whispered:
_" Noursine, You don't have to pretend in front of me."
He pulled my face closer to his, and as he pecked the space between my eyes he rested his forehead on mine and continued whispering:
_"Even when you try to smile, I still can tell you're only doing it for my sake, it sure is making me happy.. But it hurts more."
I stopped smiling, and while closing my eyes I truthfully said:
_" I pray we get the chance to call this name for real, if it would only be written on the tombstone for us to read and remember it.. I'd feel that our son only struggled to earn it for vain."
3- at all costs, there's a lot that can never be avoided..
Though he and I are doing a lot in order to cope with the highest probability of losing a child, most of our coping system is done subconsciously, but no matter what, it's still a reality that we always have to face and get through with.