Spending time at the hospital alone for the majority of time was truly a chance for me to appreciate all I had.
Of course there were always nurses by my side, and doctors.. The family visited as well, even my mother in-law put on her most elegant of clothes and jewelries then came to pay me a visit, since no outsider knew about my pregnancy the possibility of her coming to see me only to put a facade in front of her acquaintances was disqualified, in fact, by coming to see me she was on the contrary creating trouble for herself if she were ever to be caught by someone she knew, yet she made all the effort only to stand at the top of my head and scald me:
_" Did you have to fight with your husband while being pregnant and send your self to the hospital? I understand your temper is very short but you have to be more patient now! If you two can't stay in the same room without quarreling then you should have occupied separate rooms! Etc.."
Even my father in-law decided to put an end to his "I will not interfere" policy and siding with his wife he said to me:
_" Souad is right, you should be more careful now and take better care of your self, I understand dealing with my son can often be very challenging, but you both need to put your child's sake first."
After the couple left, I eyed Nana who was at the room as well and who preferred to stay behind and spend more time with me and I asked her:
_" What exactly did you say to them? I have never seen them both agreeing on one thing before! Not to mention siding with me against their son!"
She stopped doing ettasbih and impatiently replied:
_" I didn't say a word to them, Your husband must have put the blame on him self when he called to inform them you were hospitalized, poor him, I know you both all too well, I bet it was you who provoked him until matters escalated."
I felt tightness in my throat as I hardly swallowed, and I admitted:
_"I was unfair to him Nana, what happened wasn't his fault at all."
I looked at the closed door and I hesitantly asked:
_" he's here at the hospital, isn't he?"
The hospital was far from being like home.. It was without him, I bet even if I were to be discharged..home won't feel like home either, because ever since Eliyas sat on my bed's edge and confronted me while crying things were never the same between us again.
I should send my attributions to my coming child though, for obliging me to stick on the bed and minimize my movements, otherwise when Eliyas quickly left the room after saying what he had to say and refused to give me the chance to reply, I would have followed him out for all that matters.
Probably I would have hugged him, most certainly I would have forced a kiss or two on him while apologizing for being childish yet again.
But I couldn't do all of that, I could only call his number and send him messages.. which he easily all ignored.
However, I must say Eliyas Filladi is a very dutiful man, even when every time he looked inside my eyes I felt distance and coldness in them, he still visited me on a daily basis and fulfilled all his duties as a husband, or let's say he's visiting the hospital to enjoy the decoration perhaps because he spends most of the visit outside my room and only comes to me to either ask about my health or to bring me something I asked for.
Needless to say how much I miss him..
It must have looked so clear to Nana how I missed this man, I guess it was so evident that when I asked her whether he was at the hospital she didn't even answer me, instead, she stood up and left the room, and a little time later, the room's door was opened again and Eliyas walked inside instead.
He calmly walked towards my bedside table, he bent down to open the small fridge at the bottom of the table and he started to stuff the little space with the food he bought.
_" why aren't you eating well? I'm throwing out most of the food I'm bringing to you." He asked.
_" Eliyas." I called his name for no reason.
He stopped his actions, and turned to look at me.
I wasn't planning to say anything, I just hated how recently he barely ever looks at me, so I wanted his attention, but when he seriously looked at me I figured out the situation became instantly much more awkward.
Being the smart person that I am though, and having the experience of a tyrant journalist who can save her self in every situation, I very naturally asked him:
_" Can you help me take a shower?"
_" the nurse didn't help you with that?" He asked back while clearing his voice.
I eyed him shyly and facelessly lied:
_" Why would I allow a strange person to see me undressed and touch me when you can help me instead."
I must say as well that Eliyas Filladi is remarkably smart with people, yet remarkably naive when dealing with me.
Not only he believed my lie, didn't even ask how I took a shower then for the last few days, he immediately headed towards the bathroom to prepare the bathtub and all his smart head had to say was:
_" the space is so tight here, you should have told me about it, I would have asked for you to be moved to a larger room for convenience."
When he came back inside the room again he locked the door, then he came towards my bed and held me between his arms to take me to the bathroom, because ever since I had that episode of strong pain with important bleeding, I was asked not to stand up at all.
Eliyas took a long time undressing me, he did that very slowly, while inspecting every little part of my body, he couldn't not comment:
_" You lost much weight."
I rested my palm on my belly and said back:
_"That's only in your eyes, the way I'm seeing it, I gained much weight this month."
He didn't even comment on what I said, he simply put me inside the bathtub when he finished undressing me then he took off his shirt as well and started helping shower.
While we were in the middle of that, he suddenly stopped all his actions, closed the water tap, and he sat on his knees on the floor probably to be as my same height.
He did something very strange next, he calm extended his hand towards me, then he rested his palm on my belly then he closed his eyes and sighed, he asked calmly:
_" tell me.. Did you ever feel him move?"
_" don't you think it's still early for that?"
_" so he never did." he said with a tone full of sorrow.
I was confused at that moment, weren't we finally enjoying a happy chat about our child? How come his voice sounded so heavied in contrast.
But I soon understood why.. When he informed me:
_" I spoke with the doctor yesterday, the surgical procedure they were planning to do won't be applied eventually, so you don't have to worry about the surgery anymore."
Once I heard this, my arms simply lost every power in them, and I felt this deep despair invading every part of me, although I knew why the Sudbury was annulled I still asked:
_" this only means that there's no point in doing it anymore to keep the baby, doesn't it? It's only a matter of time to lose the baby now, isn't it?"
He looked at me silently, then he calmly bent closer to me and pulled me towards him in a hug.
I resisted him, to be precise, I punched and hit him, and I cursed the world for being so cruel.
You see, when growing up.. I always had this faith: that whatever comes in life is good, however it is, be it the worst possible it's still good in a way that we can not see nor acknowledge using our very limited foresight, this was the faith I was brought up believing afterall.
Since hardships will undeniably come in way, it's always reassuring to believe that there's good in the bad, and that it would indeed be the greatest loss to give up or lose will for something that will end eventually and leave the path for something greater to come.
But sometimes.. Life can be so cruel that it becomes really, really hard to see any goodness or have any faith left.
I mean, in what way is it fair or the slightest good that I'm losing my second child??
All the hardships I lived weren't enough??
As I cursed this whole existence I cried awfully between Eliyas's arms, and struggled to breath.
He still didn't say a word, he only wrapped me in a towel and took me back to my bed.
While I cried and complained he kept only wordlessly hugging me, then when I calmed down he let go of me, he used the towel to wipe my tears and dry my hair a bit, then he weirdly said while pointing towards the bathroom:
_" I'll bring you your clothes, I forgot about them."
As if drying my hair and wearing my clothes was the most important task at that moment.
He quickly walked towards the bathroom next, but before he gave me enough time to digest how weird he is, he suddenly sat on the ground of the room while leaning his back on the wall and he cried soundly as well.
If there should be a comparison for who cried more than Eliyas Filladi definitely wins.
If There should be a comparison for who cursed more than I'm the winner.
As for the one who blamed himself more then.. Eliyas undoubtedly wins, because not for a single moment I blamed my self for what was happening although it is my body that is failing to keep the pregnancy.
While this man, who did his absolute best, who couldn't possibly do anything better, he kept repeating between his painful sobs:
_" I'm so very sorry".. "I should have taken better care of you" .. "I should have stayed more by your side." .. "I shouldn't have upset you" .. " I shouldn't have wished for my child to die."
As he was crying he kept squeezing his chest above his heart, as if the pain there was the most unbearable.
While looking at him, crying my self, I had nothing to say..
It was only after we both were tired of crying and we were left powerlessly sitting on our spots silently looking at one another that I finally had the courage to say:
_"It's already enough that we went this far with our child, isn't it? He did his best for us, at least you had your chance to be a father and I to be a mother, we should be thankful."
He nodded painfully as tears swelled inside his eyes again.
Then I calmly asked him as I tapped on the spot beside me on the bed:
_" come here."
He soon stood up, and hesitantly made his way towards me.
The moment he was close enough, I held his swollen face between my palms, and although my heart pained me because all I ever gave to this man who loved me like no one did was pain and sadness, I still did my best to hold my tears not to hurt him even more and I brought him closer to my lips to kiss his cheeks.
_"Don't cry again.." I pleaded, then I continued:
_" Cry all you want when our child definitely dies but don't cry again when he still lives, we still have a little life to take care of."