When I first discovered I was pregnant for the second time, no matter what everyone said, I truly believed this was the miracle of my life..
So one night when I was about to go to sleep, I looked at my husband who naturally was still working as if working like he had no tomorrow would win him a ticket to paradise.
Anyways after scalding him and expressing how much I hated his habit of always preferring the sight of papers instead of enjoying his rest time with me, his highness was forced to turn off his laptop and come lie beside me on to bed to accompany me to sleep.
Being me, I quickly buried my self in his warmth while asking:
_" don't you think it's better this way? Being with me instead of restlessly working? There's no point in building an empire on earth if you'd neglect what should be treasured more than money."
_"I'm trying to solve few matters beforehand because I will have to spend more time watching over you from now on." He explained calmly..
Although his explanation couldn't get any more plane and cold, I still felt very emotional for no reason at all, and I ended up saying:
_" Eliyas, you know my life was never easy.. This pregnancy won't be a piece of cake either, I'll probably have to endure much pressure later and most certainly I will weaken if that happens, I want you to always remind me that this child is our miracle if ever I forget that, will you?"
He of all people saw how desperate I was to have a child, I asked almost every stranger we met to pray for me to have a child, I even asked him once to send a big some of money to my account which he did with no objections and didn't even ask me what I wanted to do with the money although it was very rare of me to ask for it, but once I spent the large some he surprisingly confronted me:
_" why did you donate all of it to an orphanage?"
I should have known my husband of course didn't need to ask where I would spend the money because he had his ways in finding out, but his spies certainly can't have access to my head and read my thoughts, that is why I had to inform him:
_" I donated it praying to have a child of my own."
This wish of mine couldn't get any more obvious, yet after I spoke with Eliyas on the bed asking for his support, he strangely refused to reply, he only gently pushed me away from him the moment I finished speaking, then he quickly pushed his quilt aside and sat on the edge of the bed giving me his back.
He then informed me:
_" If the light is bothering you, I will go work in my bureau to let you sleep more comfortably."
He stood up and walked towards the sofa where he was working earlier before I interrupted his working time.
I naturally had no idea why he decided to activate his rude and distant mode all at sudden, so I had to ask:
_" Didn't you hear what I just said?"
He held his laptop, then he turned to coldly gaze at me and replied:
_" I heard you clearly, I promise to give you all the support I can offer, but if I'm thrown in a situation where I have to choose between your life and that of the child, don't expect me to remind you of how precious this child is, I'll certainly not do that."
_"Eliyas!!" I yelled in disbelief.
I mean what happened to him overnight? Wasn't he jumping of happiness when he first knew I was pregnant??
And he too was desperate to have the child, even more desperate than I ever were!!
In fact, I swear if he could magically exchange all his wealth which he spent his life building for a safe and healthy child of our own he would have done that, this is how desperate he certainly was!
So how on earth he flipped??
Or at least he should keep it to himself if he suddenly doesn't want to be a father anymore, You see, I'm the person who's pregnant, I'm the one who have to endure pain, nausea, my body changes, the freaking life endangering situation in order to give this ungrateful man a child yet look at him refusing to give me a simple "keep fighting my dearest wife!" Phrase!! It isn't like I asked him to carry the child on my behalf, I just freaking told him to be there for me when I need him.
He very shamelessly added:
_" I will not encourage you to keep our child if your life is at risk if that's what you're asking me to do, have a good sleep."
Then he quickly stormed out of the room.
Back then I thought this was the far worst thing he would say to discourage the pregnant me, but I was very wrong..
One among our visits to the doctor wasn't so great..
I'm not talking about the exams which make my heart palpitate every time of terror, but the fact that they weren't the only scary thing I had to endure.
At the time, I remember consulting for frequent pain and little bleeding which I was hardly dealing with thanks to my most outstanding phobia, the doctor said my pregnancy was in real danger after the test, that I had "une menace d'avortement" which literally means "threat of abortion", and that I should at all costs avoid every physical activity and remain on bed, then if matters were fixed, a certain surgical procedure soule be performed to reduce the risk to a certain level.
To say I was very scarred though would be a lie, I was indeed scarred.. But not very, since I was already asked not to move a lot in an even earlier visits for the same reason, then when I had to stay in bed, it was only a further step of what I initially was doing, as for the surgical procedure, it was mentioned long before any complications were discovered, so I was mentally prepared for it as well.
What concerned me though was when the doctor said:
_" Mrs Filladi, you should know that we're doing our best to maintain your pregnancy, but our priority is still to keep you safe first, due to the particularity of the site of the implantation, if an abortion occurs a massive hemorrhage is likely to take place, which is why you should immediately consult if you experience any concerning pain or especially if there's bleeding."
On the way home, while thinking about my baby and my own safety, my surrounding naturally turned into a matter of much less importance, by my surrounding, I precisely mean my husband.
Eliyas was sitting right beside me, to be precise, he has been with me all the time, still I didn't pay much attention to him, that is until he suddenly ordered:
_" stop the car!"
I looked at him, I looked at the empty street outside the car where there wasn't even a sidewalk for passersby to use, then I looked at Eliyas again and logically asked:
_" What's wrong?"
He didn't answer me, I even doubt he heard my question all together, as soon as the car stopped he simply opened his seat's door and walked out.
When I followed him, I felt confused when I noticed that the only thing he did was to loosen his tie and collar while standing few steps away from the car.
Having no idea what was going on I decided to carefully step closer to him and ask again:
_" Eliyas, are you ok?"
I remember him looking inside my eyes for a slight moment, not even enough for me to have a proper look at him, then he immediately caught me between his arms and hugged me tightly to his chest.
He was shaking to the bones..
I often choose to ignore the fact Eliyas is a man and not a deity, nor perfect. Even when he shows every freaking sign in the book of being terrified and in loss.. I still act like a headless and push him even further.
Because I'm selfish I guess..
Anyways, I couldn't see his face while being buried in his trembling body that day, but I didn't need to do that in order to know for sure that he wasn't ok at all.
I had no idea what happened all at sudden, or if he wasn't fine for a long time and only I failed to notice it, all I knew is that I was hell of worried about him, I had to hug him back and whisper:
_"Talk to me Eliyas, don't scare me.."
I barely finished whispering that though when he suddenly said:
_" I don't want this child."
That was the very first time he ever mentioned not wanting our child, the first among so many..
He started to express his wish to end our child's life so much and so persistently ever since that point, I often wonder if deep inside he forgot he was a father too, and that our child was a human being and not a parasite feeding of me, because it seemed like he ignored this fact so much that he truly forgot about it.
I often wonder too if he didn't notice the hurt and discouragement these words brought to me, or he simply chose to ignore it, because even when I cried he kept repeating:
_" Noursine, be more reasonable please, what is the point of continuing this pregnancy when most likely we'll have a stillborn? You choose to die for that!"
But the first time definitely hit differently for me, I remember stepping away from him and asking in disbelief:
_" what did you just say??"
His face was pale, and it looked like he was barely having strength to stand, yet he confidently repeated:
_" I don't want this child Noursine, I don't."
Then he explained:
_" the doctor privately informed me about the possible abortion before, I asked her not to tell you anything unless the chances were truly narrowed down and the abortion is almost inevitable, all the doctors are advising to end this pregnancy for your safety, I will not stand aside Noursine and wait for you to bleed to death when we can simply end this with much less risks, I almost lost you once already, I refuse to live that again.. I can't live it again."
I didn't know it was this serious, so hearing his words made me feel nauseous of terror, still somehow I gathered my will to firmly say to him:
_" I'll pretend I heard nothing.. I'm going home now, I won't wait for you."
He crossed the step that separated us then painfully whispered:
_" Do you think it's easy for me to say this? ..I'm tortured.."
Not having any desire to talk to him more, I simply ignored him and went back to the car.
Actually, my new policy in dealing with Eliyas is to simply ignore him, because every time he and I have a proper chance to talk all he ever mentions in a way or another is that I should have an abortion.
For example, he moved our room to a chamber downstairs so as I don't take the stairs, and he ordered for all the meals to be sent to my room and hired a medical team to permanently keep an eye on me, of course pretty much all this team did eventually was to waste their precious time only sightseeing in the villa, I didn't object on any of that, but when he rudely asked Nana to reduce and shorten her visits to me not to stress me out I had to comment:
_" You might as well send me to jail I'm already a prisoner in my own house, plus, it is you who is stressing me out more than anyone else."
_" You know what I want, so let us not fight Noursine, please.." He begged while already turning away to leave the room.
The situation was so tensed between us that I decided to just burst out loud instead of constantly ignoring every word he said and action he did.
And so I seriously said to him:
_" Eliyas, just be honest with me, you knew any possible pregnancy would be risky for me yet you wanted children, and now that we're finally at it you turn against it? You should have refused to have a child long before I was pregnant, that way I wouldn't be so disappointed in you, you promised to be different this time, how can you repeat what you did during my first pregnancy, I swear I won't forgive your actions this time round."
Although I was being very serious, he still refused to say any word back to me..
He only remained silently standing in front of me, after a bit of time, he simply walked out of the room leaving me behind.
I didn't follow him out nor tried to stir a fight with him again, but his attitude kept boiling me from the inside, so much that I think this particular fight was the capital reason why during the night of the that day I woke up from my sleep to a very bad pain.
It was so bad that soon I woke up I started yelling and crawling on the sheets, and that was what Eliyas woke up to.
I don't even remember much of what happened, I only remember the pain and my phobia, and my crying awfully, I must have said a lot of words to Eliyas while being in panic, I must have blamed him as well for what was happening with me.
Thankfully nothing happened to the baby, after being admitted to the hospital the doctor reassured me that the baby was safe, and the pain gradually subsided.
Now that I recall that terrible night, what hurts my heart the most is the fact I treated Eliyas so badly yet he didn't leave my side only when he was forced out by the doctors, and when everything was over, he suddenly vanished from my sight.
I wasn't even aware of my own actions, the one always tend to think he's the victim and not the one at fault, after everything was ok with me I still believed Eliyas was mistaken, when I didn't see him around I held my phone and called him only to ask where he was and scald him for being a bad husband.
Eliyas soon picked up the call and he asked with a frightened tone almost immediately.
_" did something happen again?? Are you in pain?"
_" I'm fine, I just want to know where you are."
_" You scarred me.." he interrupted me..
As if saying it once wasn't enough, he started yelling:
_" where else would I go to? I'm still at the hospital. Can't I have a moment to keep my sanity without you scarring me again?"
And he cut the call on my face after saying this!
You can imagine how angry I was, not only angry, I even for a stupid moment thought to get a divorce after giving birth to my child and forbidding Eliyas from seeing him, because my head is trained on thinking about divorce I guess.
Anyways I was still boiling of anger when The hospital's door was opened and Eliyas walked inside the room.
And it was only at that moment that I truly had a look at him, he was wearing only a coat over his housewears, putting on slippers instead of proper shoes, the man whose neat and classy looks always reflected his statues was wearing pyjamas in public because he didn't have time nor the thought of changing his clothes before rushing me to the hospital.
And he simply looked very tired and sleep deprived because he spent the night pacing around me asking everyone repeatedly if there was a way to reduce my pain because I couldn't tolerate it.
So when he appeared in my sight looking this way it finally downed to me that I was truly pushing him far beyond his ability to endure.
It's really complicated for me to explain, all I can say is that before he entered the room I was planning to empty all my anger on him, but when I saw him I ended up muttering instead:
_" are you ok?"
He soon walked towards my bed, sat on the edge and spaced while looking at the wall.
I didn't utter not even a word, I thought I shouldn't do that, and only kept observing him.
After spacing he finally took a deep breath and buried his face in his palms then said:
_" I spoke with the doctors, they agreed on keeping you in the hospital for the time being for surveillance, nurses will be hired to look after you, for the time being I will keep my distance from you as you wish me to do."
_" I never wanted you to stay away from me" I interrupted him.
He turned to look at me with a very pained expression, then he corrected me:
_" you clearly expressed how much my sight, my behavior and every word I say are intolerable and that they were the reason we almost lost our child yesterday."
_" I'm sorry." I uttered the moment I saw his eyes turning red and becoming moist.
He cleared his voice, then continued:
_" We lost our first child because of my mistake, I admit that, I will carry this guilt to my grave, but .. to blame me again, what do you think of me?"
His voice broke at this point as his tears started to fall, he hardly kept his composure while continuing:
_"Am I not doing more than my best now? Am I not always by your side doing all that is in my power to keep you and my child safe? be fair for once! I said I don't want my child because I have to make this choice on your behalf Noursine.. not that this is what my heart truly desires, this is my child too, my child! and it kills me to say I want him dead so.. have mercy.. I barely have any strength left."