How was it like to be pregnant alone for the first time?
1- I discovered I was pregnant around the seventh week.
I was very busy with work around that time to care for my self, I only suspected I was pregnant because I was feeling tired and nauseous most of the time and it was happening for a hell much longer to just assume I was nauseous because I ate bad food, I took the test one morning, and when it came out positive, I had no idea what to do or what to think, so I called my husband who was then at work, much not to my surprise though, it was his secretary who answered and said he was at an important meeting.
I remember taking the day off after much trouble, then going to consult at the gynecologist alone, where I was informed not only about my pregnancy, but also about my particular case.
I went back home soon after, then spent the whole day just sitting alone and staring at space, I wasn't happy that I was pregnant at all, in fact, I spent a long time only blaming my self for not taking contraception and thinking how would I bring a child to live among Eliyas and I? How could we love and care for a child when we neither loved or cared for eachother?
Our relationship was so bad at the time that even when I was informed I was pregnant I didn't think it was necessary to inform him immediately.
While having dinner that day, Eliyas who was sitting right beside me on the table suddenly bent closer towards me and he whispered:
_" come to my bureau after dinner, I need to speak with you."
I remember turning to look at him and thinking that perhaps he knew somehow already, or else why would he ask to see me so suddenly?
It's funny how we were so distant that having a simple conversation became so extraodinary.
When I headed to his bureau later with the hopes of getting his support in my difficult situation I was surprised to meet a very angry looking man, he was leaning on his desk crossing his arms and facing me, when I first stepped inside he immediately ordered:
_" Sit down Noursine."
As I did that, he extended his arm to hold his tablet then placing it in front of me he icily asked:
_" tell me .. What's this?"
I took the device, and checked..
The moment I did that my heart just sank, because I saw the article draft I sent to my superior the day before on the screen, so after all, he just wanted to speak with me because of work.
_" This is the article I've been working on." I replied.. I raised my head to face him confidently and added:
_" I won't ask how this supposedly confident draft ended up between your hands before it was even published because I know how resourceful you are, but why though? Why do you have it?"
_" Are you aware you're accusing The Ghaladi himself of theft? Are you even aware of the danger you're throwing yourself into? This article is full of nonsense, that is to begin with.. Both your accusation and proofs are not valid, I checked them all ages before my self, still you're willingly jumping to fire using this."
_" it is my superior's work" I began to explain.. " I was only assigned to write the final draft, I checked our sources though, everything is genuine and true, I won't willingly accuse someone if I was not sure."
_" Are you saying I'm lying to you?" he coldly asked as he properly stood up and crossed the step between us.
I stood up as well, and while staring at him I continued:
_" You were implying I'm stupid, I didn't ask whether you're saying I'm stupid though, did I? So let us not take this personal, you do your job and I do mine."
He took a deep breath to calm himself, then he added:
_"Mr Ghelladi is a direct business associate of mine, any word of accusation to him will more or less inflect on me, Do you wish to throw me to jail Noursine? As if that would happen! I already checked everything before our partnership, everything you mentioned in your article is baseless, and if it was published, It would have been I against you!"
_" are you saying you banished my article already? It won't be published??" I yelled..
He remained silent..
Feeling this total injustice I continued to express how angry and disappointed I was, but no matter what I said, he only remained silent as if he was just waiting for me to finally shut up and leave.
And I did that ultimately..
As I was leaving though, this heartless man asked while I was giving him my back:
_" I was told you went to see the gynecologist today, is everything alright with you?"
I laughed hilariously, I swear I did, this man cared about a stupid article that he already banished much more than my health and safety! He only casually remembered to ask as I was leaving!
No freaking way I was going to say to him:
" oh! It's because we made a mistake and now you're going to be a father!"
I just ignored him instead, pretended I didn't hear his question, left his bureau, and slammed the door shut.
I barely made few steps in the corridor though when Eliyas followed me out, he caught my arm, and as he made me turn to look at him he yelled at the top of his lungs:
_" This is just too much to take! Why do I have to hear from strangers that my wife has been to a doctor? I waited for you to mention it first but you didn't, you never do, is it so hard to tell me at least whether you're sick or not? do you have to keep me awake all night wondering!?"
_" I called you this morning before going, you were busy working like the usual, it was just a regular visit." I whispered as I pulled my arm out of his painful hold.
_" I apologize.. I misunderstood." He uttered not even raising his eyes to look at me.
I was just so tired of everything that IÂ wordlessly continued walking away from him.
This was how I ended up keeping my pregnancy from him.
2- having to deal with morning sickness alone was a nightmare.
They shouldn't call it morning sickness to begin with, I had it almost all the day! And everytime I vomited I feared something wrong might happen to my child, I was so clueless and scared.
Eliyas witnessed my bad symptoms even before I told him I was pregnant, I used to often feel nauseous but it was rarer for me to vomit, much to my bad luck Eliyas was sitting on the sofa in our room one weekend and he refused to leave! And I was experiencing one of my worst symptom days in his presence!
I remember looking at him every two minutes and praying he would just vanish to his bureau or library, or have a sudden meeting at his company, or even vanish to the tennis court to meet his most precious Lydia khoudjali because I was just too tired to leave the bed and it was becoming much harder to support nausea with every passing moment.
He on the other hand was stupidly working on his laptop, and he looked at me often too for only god knows what strange reason of his.
I was already so done with him at that point, only the day before I caught him hugging Lydia at his study room, and if it wasn't for my poor health, I wouldn't have accepted to stay in the same room with him.
Then I couldn't hold it anymore, I ran towards the bathroom, then I emptied my stomach and still felt so bad.
Eliyas started to repeatedly knock on the bathroom door and call my name, at that time, all the pressure and scare I felt suddenly all bubbled up inside my chest and I sat on the ground and didn't find the will to move.
Until I heard Eliyas yelling after a long time:
_" I'm breaking the door!"
_" Just leave me alone!" I yelled back.
And soon after, he stopped calling my name and knocking.
A little time later, I finally stood up, washed up and was about to leave the bathroom.
When I opened the door though, I found Eliyas standing right in front of me blocking my way, I had no strength to argue with him so I just begged:
_" I want to sit down.. I'm tired."
He soon freed the way for me, and followed me closely until I sat down on the bed.
He quickly handed me a glass of water and asked:
_" Are you ok? Should I ask for a doctor to come?"
Refusing to take the glass from him, I just breathed deeply then coldly said:
_" I'm fine.. You can leave."
He wasn't convinced with my answer at all, he carefully sat down beside me then suggested:
_" you consulted at the gynecologist few days earlier, you said nothing was wrong, but I still think you should see another doctor, maybe the problem is not gynecological but something else, don't you agree?"
I never said nothing was wrong.. I only mentioned it was a regular visit, and he didn't care to know more.
At that time I truly believed he was cheating on me with Lydia, I already caught them hugging, and that I was just a useless toy he had to keep to please his father.
_" As if you care.." I whispered my thoughts.
_" but I do, a lot.." he corrected me with determination.. He looked inside my eyes for a slight moment, and even the utmost despise he must have witnessed in them didn't discourage him from confessing next:
_" I care about you the most, I wish if only you could believe that."
I smiled mockingly and commented:
_" Yes, you care about me so much that the moment I turn away you go hug another woman, it isn't your infidelity that hurt my pride Eliyas, I understand we both have no feelings for one another, but at least for the sake of the long years we knew eachother you could have been honest with me about it and told me."
He remained silently looking at the ground once I finished speaking, then he suddenly stood up looking very perturbed, and much unlike himself he took few steps away, then changed his mind and stopped walking.
He took a deep inhale while turning to look at me again, and he said with a weird tone:
_" If even my infidelity means nothing to you, then what is the point of us being married? I understand you must be feeling disappointed after what happened yesterday so these words don't reflect your true intentions, but if they are genuine Noursine, then I don't see why I should prove my innocence to a woman who cares this little about me."
And he was right, now that I recall our toxic encounters, I kind of see why he ended up not trying to correct my ill opinion of him, I was too headstrong and selfish to see that man in an objective light anyway, I doubt I would have believed any proof he could have given.
I can't deny my harmfulness and injustice towards this man, nor I should deny the harm and injustice I had from him.
The only thing I can say is that during my first pregnancy, we were both too immature and self-centered to be true parents to our child.
How is it like to be under Eliyas's supervision while being pregnant for the second time?
1- it was him now who noticed first I was pregnant, and was with me when we received the good and bad news.
2- he calls my phone a lot.
And by a lot, I literally mean it.
He rarely called me before my pregnancy, and now he calls every two hours or so..
Being the idle person that I am, I even wondered whether he set an alarm to remember calling my highness so much, but no matter how I tried to find a pattern in the frequency of his calls, I still only arrived to this conclusion: there really isn't any alarm at all, it's only that my husband finally discovered how amazing it is this invention called " the phone".
I was lying on the sofa watching tv and eating fruits when my phone started ringing on top of the nightstand near my bed, initially I was going to ignore this call because I simply felt too lazy to stand up and walk across the unnecessarily large room to bring my phone, but thinking that it was probably my dearest husband calling and remembering how impatient he is I realized it was better I move my legs, or else, in matter of minutes, an army of people will dash inside my room to check if I was dead or not following Eliyas's instructions.
When I finally picked up, I barely had the chance to say allo (hello) when he immediately asked:
_" did you receive what I asked to be delivered for you?"
It took me quite a long time to finally understand he was talking about the fruits plate, and that is only because I have a very strong intellect and sharp observation skills, since I remembered earlier when the servant brought the plate of fruits I didn't ask for she insisted to repeat to me:
_" it's Master Eliyas order."
If it wasn't for my good brain, I would have obviously assumed he was talking about something else.
_" Ouii~ (yes)."
_" ok, I'm cutting now.." He soon so unromantically added.
I felt it was very unfair to me that he cuts so soon after forcing me to stand up and waste my time and energy bringing the phone, so I so lovingly added:
_" I miss you too! Did you send the fruits only to find an excuse to call me? You can be very cute sometimes!"
The moment I finished speaking I received no answer from him, even weirder, I heard someone clearing his voice, and it definitely wasn't my husband.
_" You're not alone?" I cautiously asked.
_" No, I'm at a meeting now.. with Nj and Ds teams"
_" am I on a loud speaker?"
_" yes.. I'm using my phone to forward th__"
I hang up right away..
What the hell is wrong with him!!
I understand he's going through a some sort of late puberty phone phase or whatever his weird case is, but why would he call me in the middle of a meeting and put me on a loud speaker!!?
What if I spoke about the naughty business because lately i'm so deprived!
Few minutes later, my phone rang again.. And my husband's handsome picture was flashing on the screen.
Although I wanted to facelessly reject his call, I still decided to have some manners especially that he was in the middle of a meeting with a lot of people, as I answered the call, I said:
_" Ceo Filladi, how may I help you?"
_" I'm alone now, you can speak freely." He added with an amused tone.
_" how come your meeting ended so soon? Did those teams laugh at me so much that they had no left energy to continue the meeting?"
_" it's still on, I just excused my self for a little time to call you."
_" you only remembered to do that now?"
_" I made sure to inform you this morning before I left that I had a meeting from 10 to 11:30 am and that perhaps I'll call you sometime in between, are you feeling ok?" He explained..
Feeling very wronged, I righteously defended myself:
_" Since when I ever listened carefully to your business talk? You said a lot of things this morning.. how do you expect me to remember every detail! I'm fine by the way, totally fine."
_" I see, You were more busy admiring my physique to actually focus on the words I was saying, I guess it's my mistake, I shouldn't have informed you about the meeting while changing my clothes." he so shamelessly commented.
In fact, I was so surprised Eliyas Filladi could say such words that I started laughing joyfully.
_" I have to go back to the meeting now, take care of your self."
_" I love you.." I said quickly before he cut the phone.. Hearing silence from his side I insisted:
_" Eliyaas~ I said I love you! "
He cleared his voice, then he whispered a bit unclearly before he cut the call:
_" I love you much more__"
Being pregnant for the second time, Is the happiest of my times.. Despite everything.