Being pregnant again?
I didn't even want to have hope in that..
In fact, being the owner of my body, I didn't of course miss such detail like me "praying for a long time", which is something very predicted and familiar ever since I lost my child and had many complications afterwards, to be precise, it's not even as long as his wishful mind is picturing, But how can Eliyas with the so little of medical knowledge that he has understand the condition I have without having a proper explanation from my behalf, and how can I possibly explain this sad part to him without making him feel guilty and blame him self all over again?
While watching the excitement in his eyes which he struggled in vain to hide behind his calm and composed expression, I thought it was cruel of me to personally crush the little hope he had, so instead of saying:
"Oh, I'm probably just late because it's a side affect of the medications I'm taking, or for another reason that is not related to pregnancy."
I nervously replied instead:
_" Now that I think about it, maybe I am pregnant!"
He nodded in agreement once he heard my reply, then he immediately walked towards the large window and he stood there and looked at the raining weather outside.
Actually I don't think he was able to see much except for his own reflection on the glass, but then this has always been a habit of his: to stand at the window when he fails to take control over the stir of his emotions.
While watching his back, I didn't say a thing, I tried hard not to think of what will happen later when he knows I'm not pregnant.
A little time later, our door was finally knocked, Eliyas quickly rushed his steps towards it, as he opened it and before even having a proper look at the person standing outside he right away ordered:
_" send someone to bring pregnancy tests, immediately."
He soon closed the door again, then turned to look at me and commented:
_" I don't know why I never thought of having pregnancy tests here in case we needed them, I should have been more considerate."
_" I didn't think I should have ones here either, I used in fact to have a lot of them in my drawer when we first married, I did the test more often than you can imagine until it came out positive one day." I added without much thinking as I sat on the edge of the bed and put on my slippers.
When I lifted my head to look at Eliyas again, I found him staring at me with a very weird expression on his face, a very sad one.
Why is it that when I sincerely try hard not to mess things up I hell do the exact opposite! Is it so freaking hard to let that man have little hope for few minutes that I have to open my big mouth and make him look like I robbed his company?
Being the reasonable person that I am, even knowing that I should quickly talk about the rain or say that he looked exquisitely handsome to change the subject, I just knew that with my luck and peculiar line of thinking I will magically end up linking the rain and his handsomeness with some grave event of the past that I should probably never mention, therefore, I safely decided to remain silent.
But no, Eliyas insisted to choke even the last shreds of endurance I had, and he so emotionally said:
_" I won't miss a thing this time, I promise."
I just slowly nodded.. Then dashed towards the balcony not to give him the chance to say anything else, as I was literally running though, he yelled:
_" what are you doing?"
I stopped midway, then simply pointed towards the balcony.
Probably understanding what I meant and not wasting his time trying to understand my weird behavior he simply reminded me:
_" Put on a coat at least, it's cold outside."
And so I did, then I went to the balcony and refused to come back inside the room even if a storm decided to suddenly blow or a lightning hit me!
I supported the rainy weather I really hated until Eliyas finally opened the balcony door and as he walked inside he said:
_" the pregnancy tests are here."
So I followed him inside the room, and I immediately started to execute the scenario I quickly came up with while being at the balcony: I will first take the test, show Eliyas the negative result, accept to take a second one if he asks to, lie that I felt happy while thinking I was pregnant and that I'm not feeling sad because I'm not, silently go to bed, then freaking sleep before I say anything else.
I successfully managed the first part, I mean doing the test then coming out to meet my nervous husband, and when I say nervous I absolutely mean it, the moment I opened the bathroom door I found him standing right in front of me, although he still somehow managed to keep his expressionless face, he was breathing quicker and deeper than the usual and his hands were shaking when he took the test from me.
And like I just said: he took the test from me, so he could simply check it, but no, being in whatever state that he was in, his brain wasn't as efficient as it usually is, so he ended up unnecessarily asking me:
_" what's the result?"
Actually I wanted to know what he felt, he's the type of people who don't lack emotions but work hard to keep them locked inside, but sometimes.. Even a professional calm person like him, fails to contain everything, it pained me to see my Eliyas clearly acting nervous.. It was painful a lot, my heart was choking knowing that he will encounter disappointment and despair in front of my watchful eyes again and he'll do his best to hide it all from me like he always did, and that there was absolutely nothing I could do.
Love is a strange thing.. isn't it? If it wasn't for love then why would a selfish person like me only think of that man and completely ignore my own sadness and disappointed hopes.
I didn't answer him, I only kept carefully watching him and waited for him to know the result by him self, his face turned awfully pale the moment his eyes landed on the test kit and his hands trembled more violently.
He suddenly walked pass me to go inside the bathroom, while doing that he explained:
_" my hands are shaking .. I can't see clearly."
as I followed him inside, I saw him putting the test on the sink and tilting his head to see the result.
Then.. He laughed??
By laughed I literally mean it, he started laughing like a crazy person as he hilariously yelled:
_" oh allah! My god! Oh allah!"
He suddenly jumped at me and squeezed me in a tight hug, then he held my shoulders, and after a flood of kisses all over my face and neck he asked while breathing hard:
_" what do we do next?? should we repeat the test again just to make sure?! Or we go directly consult at the gynecologist?"
_" wait.." I logically whispered while pushing him away and taking the test kit to check it because I initially didn't assuming it was undoubtedly negative.
And the moment I saw the second line which meant the test was positive I lost every drop of patience and tolerance I had towards my panicking husband.
Because I started to panic myself!!
I immediately kicked Eliyas outside then grabbed another pregnancy test and tried it, and when the result was out, It was my turn to jump at my husband, shake his shoulders violently and yelled joyfully:
_" It's positive! How can that be possible!!"
I don't know what happened next because I was simply too happy to think properly..
All I know is that when my head started functioning again I was already sitting in the back seat of Eliyas's car beside my husband, we were in the middle of the highway, and a flood of cars belonging all to the protection team were surrounding ours, we were on the way to see a gynecologist.
It is at this point that my logic was partially restored, and I started to ask my husband the most pertinent of questions like: "the two test results were positive, but both kits are from the same mark, maybe they both are mistaken then, isn't it?".." They say the test can be positive sometimes when we eat certain types of food, maybe it's the case this time as well, isn't it?" .. "You don't know this but I really had terrible morning sickness during my first pregnancy and I always felt tired and unlike my self, I didn't feel any of that this time, the test can be wrong you know?" .. "Shouldn't we wait till morning to go consult? I mean it's a night time and only emergency cases should go to the hospital now."
Eliyas refused to share his wisdom in solving all the inquiries I had except for the last one, since he suddenly turned to look at me and impatiently replied:
_" Noursine, you truly overestimate my patience skills, if you think I will obediently wait till morning to finally make sure my wife is pregnant then you're very mistaken, I absolutely can't and will not!"
When the car stopped in front of a probably private hospital, he asked me to wait inside while he opened his seat's door, held his umbrella and left.
I watched him walking few steps to meet the protection team leader, after they exchanged few words Eliyas walked back to our car, as for the people outside, they quickly started moving all around the place in a somewhat of orderly chaos.
I actually felt sorry for them because most of them had to be called back to the villa to work this sudden night shift, and at the moment, they had to stand under the rain and get wet, Eliyas better honor their good service with an increased salary at least.
Once He sat inside the car again he explained to me:
_" we'll go inside the hospital once everything is settled."
In comparison with how stressful and excited I felt and acted, Eliyas looked very calm and composed as if the hilariously overjoyed him of few minutes earlier was just in my imagination, well, God bless the efficiency of his cold nerves, that's it..
We didn't wait for long when he finally received a signal from the team, consequently, he said to me while pointing towards my clothes:
_" close your coat well, it's cold outside.."
He soon walked outside, then circled the car to stop at my seat's door, once I stepped outside, he shielded my small self with his arm under the umbrella and we quickly walked inside the hospital.
We were soon led towards a certain box, many people curiously watched us as a result of the chaos our entry caused, I bet we would have been much more safer if we just lowkey went inside without all the drama Eliyas makes everytime we go somewhere public.
We were received by three doctors, one among them was very old and introduced himself as the chef of that unity, for a moment the passionate Journalist inside me almost asked: " since when the chef of unities were needed to simply confirm a pregnancy?", but as I was led inside the examination room after the interrogation and heard this old man "accidentally" mentioning a soon to be charity event, I sighed realizing he didn't simply come for sight seeing.
Being the amazing wife that I am, I shamelessly said before leaving:
_" Can my husband accompany me? I'm very phobic and have a history of panic attacks, I'm afraid I'll have a new one if I don't have his support."
Once Eliyas heard me mention having a panic attack he didn't even wait for the permission of the doctor, he was already standing by my side when the doctor reluctantly agreed.
Once the examination was over and the blood results were out, the doctor finally ended our torturous waiting by confirming I was already 5 weeks pregnant, but before we even had the chance to smile and thank god, she added:
_" but.."
she tried to make her words sound as reassuring as they could be, every word she said was bad news though, in the end she somehow advised us not to have much hope that my pregnancy will achieve its term given the situation I had, that we should be extremely careful and consult for the tiniest of doubt for the time being and we'll see later what should be done to keep my pregnancy as long as the means allowed.
While listening to her a part of me died somehow.
4 years ago, when I was younger and more naive I listened to the same words, actually the chances were even better at that time, and I was sitting alone in front of the doctor trying to overcome the terror I lived inside.
Back then I was much more determined, and even when the doctor clearly informed me I could lose my child for the simplest of complications and I would have to undergo various procedures to maintain my pregnancy stable later, I still deep inside felt that everything would be ok and I didn't need to feel scared.
Eliyas was very distant at that time.. very cold and indifferent, although I had very bad symptoms and was pale and sleepy all the time he never noticed or asked, he only worked and spent most of his time at his bureau, he came to our room when I was about to sleep and left before I even woke up.
Whenever we met, we always fought, to be precise, I always yelled and quarreled with a silent and indifferent man, I had so much to be displeased with, and he didn't try to fix anything for me.
When I told him I was pregnant, nothing changed, to be fair to him he once or twice took care of me when he witnessed how bad my symptoms were in the morning, but that was it, he chose to go to work before I woke up for the majority of time.
Then one day .. We had our last fight.
While listening to the doctor 4 years later I became already older and more realistic, my happiness of being pregnant soon turned into fear and despair, it's the most horrible of feelings knowing that even when I have a perfectly healthy child inside it is my fault that I won't be able to protect him until he comes outside because my body can't and I'm the worst mother, and that I will have to suffer the same loss I endured years ago.
On our way home I couldn't simply smile and enjoy being pregnant, at some point all the terror and heaviness I felt overwhelmed me and I yelled:
_" stop the car!"
I started to find it hard to breathe almost immediately, and the idea of the pain I'll feel once I lose my child again started to torture me.
And before I could take control, I was already in the middle of having a panic attack.
I guess the shameless half lie I said earlier to save my husband from being taken advantage of by the chef of the unity.. came haunting me.
Eliyas quickly hugged me tight and repeatedly reminded me to only focus on breathing and that everything is and will be ok, then he started counting and asked me to take a deep breath everytime he said a number.
When he reached 40 something, my breathing became much more settled, and I finally managed to cry with ease.
I cried for a long time in Eliyas's embrace.. I needed to.
Every couple of minutes I stopped though, only to repeatedly ask Eliyas:
_" will it hurt my baby if I cry?"
He gave me the same answer everytime.. that the baby should be ok.. and I can cry all I wanted.
Being pregnant again.. is very painful.
________________________________
Author's note:
I promise the ending will be happy ð
I just wanted to share this side of pregnancy that not so many people know of.
I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story.. The ending isn't so far.
And I want to sincerely thank you for all the support you gave me â¤â¤â¤ when I first started to post this story, never in my wildest dreams I expected it to reach almost quarter a million reads!
I apologize as well for the million written mistakes you must have encountered while reading the story, English is my third language actually and I'm trying to do my best.
Lastly, I really enjoy reading your comments ðð they always brought me much happiness so thank you so much for taking from your time to read my story and write them, it means a lot to me â¤
Have a good day!