Despite all the chaos we were living.. A certain someone still remembered to ask:
_"should we go consult at a gynecologist?"
The problem didn't lie within the question itself, but within the circumstances in which it was asked!
You see, we were in the end of March.. It is the time where my "cold in winter hot in summer" hometown finally decides to compensate its poor patient citizens with an admirable weather .. Namely the warm spring, as for the things i like about the springs of my hometown besides the nice sunny days, the green wheat fields and the flowing river never particularly carved my heart .. i guess I'm not that nature interested person, my best spring thing is precisely the street carts which sell belliri ( Narcissus flowers) and hawthorns with average prices.
I haven't been to my hometown for a very long time.. So It was not appropriate to tell my husband that i want to go there because i crave the local hawthorns and the smell of belliri, and because i want to save money when buying them. So i said to him instead:
_"Eliyas, how about we go to S city for this spring?.. It's very refreshing, you need to rest few days from work, plus Nana is too old, she must miss her home.. it's a chance for us all to relax a bit."
He was working on his laptop when i said this, we were both sitting in the villa garden enjoying the sun, well, accurately speaking i was the one enjoying the sun while the man sitting in the far end of the garden was just working like usual while sitting in the shadow.
When i spoke he finally lifted his eyes from his laptop, and gave me this long adorable look.
After such a look, people with artistic minds had inspiration to create the most amazing of music, poets had inspiration to write the most beautiful of poems, warriors swore to forsake their lives to save such heavenly view their eyes were witnessing. Of course i didn't expect such results from Eliyas's head which only had business and numbers inside.. I just hoped that looking at the cute smiling me surrounded with such a beautiful scenery will inspire him to say words such: "you're pretty" or "I love you".
I mean he already crossed half the road.. He smiled and everything, all what was left is to say the magic words!
But when he finally spoke .. I was so surprised with his line of thinking that i went silent for a long time, he asked:
_"should we go consult at a gynecologist?"
As for the reason why "a gynecologist" jumped to his head under such circumstances that was a mystery to me at the moment.
I didn't answer him.. After few moments of waiting for me to speak He gave up and went back to his work as well, when i finally started to feel dizzy from the the strong sunlight i decided that i had enough of vitamine D, i went to sit beside him, i pushed his laptop away from his lap and as i put my head on his lap instead i said to him:
_"how can you only think of working when you have such a cute wife like me? As for the gynecologist let's wait for april.. You must go with me too, i feel so frightened from doctors you know that.. I've been sedating my tooth with antiinflammatories and antibiotics for the past months just to avoid going to the dentist!"
He rested his cool palms on my face and whispered:
_"your face is hot.. You had too much sun"
Totally ignoring all my previous complaints.
He then moved the tips of his fingers along the arcs of my eyebrows, and kept staring at me for another long time.
In fact i started to notice this newly developed habit of his lately: the nostalgic staring thing.
When we eat together .. He stares weirdly at me, When we sleep .. I wake up in the morning to find him staring at me, When he drives the car.. The ultimate strict lawobedient driver Eliyas Filladi ignores the street in the traffic jam and he awkwardly stares at me through the mirror!
You see, we are not in a "fluffy love" stage or something, if we count the years ever since he started to love me then he should be in the stage of saying: "what is wrong with me! How did i love this woman in the first place!". Instead of doing that, he was giving me these creepy stares whenever he had the leisure time to look at me.
At some point i even started to think he was hiding the fact that he had a terminal desease, and i'm not joking .. I seriously thought about it when he only kept looking at me one dinner and barely touched his food in consequence.
In the garden when he arced my facial contours with the tips of his fingers while giving me this long pensive look i finally felt i could no longer keep my concerns to my self, so i asked:
_" why do you want to have a son so soon? And why are you looking at me so much lately? Is there something wrong Eliyas? I'm beginning to worry.. Do you have some serious desease you're hiding from me? Or are you planning to leave me?"
He laughed when he heard my sincere words, that heartless scum! There i was pouring my heart worries and all he did was to laugh at me until his eyes turned moist! After he finished laughing he said:
_"i'm always amazed with your line of thinking Noursine, no i'm not sick and of course i'm not planning to leave"
He suddenly lifted me from my arms and made me sit above his lap, i was so embarassed with his actions in front of the watchful eyes of the servants!
_"everyone's watching! Are you crazy!" I coldly objected.
But i didn't try to stand up, if he wanted to smash his thighs with my weight then be my guest!
_"you're dismissed" he laughed while gesturing for the servants to leave.
Once they left he started to kiss what his finger tips were touching earlier.
I pushed him away when i felt threatened that he was going to start kissing areas he didn't mark with his tips before, namely everything under my face, i felt alarmed and i pushed him away diverting his attention by asking:
_"you still didn't answer me, why are you acting weird lately?"
_"i want to announce our marriage Noursine"
Although his answer took me a bit by surprise, i quickly pouted while reminding him:
_"i already told you before, you should publicize your status as a married man when needed.. without mentioning my name, i'll do the same as well.. When we have a son in the future i will__"
I stopped speaking to give him a strong punch on his chest!
Because i finally understood why he started speaking about the gynecologist all at sudden.
It's because this was my condition.. That we will announce our marriage when i get pregnant!
when we discussed the matter of publicizing our marriage a couple of months ago, i figured out that i was on the very losing side if that happens.. Just put your selves in my shoes, my life will be 24/7 threatened with murder by Eliyas's infinite list of enemies, i will lose the regular treatment of my coworkers and i will eventually quit my job under the pressure of being treated differently, the press will start following me everywhere and make my every movement recorded, the bodyguards will be more alarmed and they will circle me under tighter protection which will suffocate me, being annouced as his wife will litterally mean the end of my freedom!
Since i couldn't share this selfish thinking of mine with my husband, i sneakily told him instead:
_"how about we keep our marriage a secret until i get pregnant? When our child is on the way We'll then announce the real date of our marriage to the public, you can even release a bit of my personal info, until then things should just go on like this.. Still, if some heiress tried her ways with you, you are advised to announce your status as a married man if you don't want to be killed by my hands, i'll do the same as well"
So in the end, that man was urging me to put an end to my freedom by going to the gynecologist and getting quickly pregnant!
I pinched his cheek and asked:
_" you sneaky man! .. What is it that you want more? A child or announcing our marriage?"
_"a child" he replied.
_" what if i can't give you a child Eliyas? Have you ever thought about that?" I asked seriously.
_"of course i did, if that happened we can not object on Qadhaa allah ( the fate written by allah) if you wish to raise an orphan then i will support that.. And if you wish to stay by my side alone then i'll support that as well."
I felt so emotional with his reply.. So i hugged him tight and whispered:
_"okey, it's time for me to stop acting childish and go see a gynecologist"
_"hmm" he whispered.
Some time later while i still higging him.. He finally replied:
_" lately.. I was looking at you more often because it was around this time that you left three years ago, spring became the season of your departure" he finally explained.
I could hear the vibration of his voice in my arms that circled his back, when he spoke about that period the first idea that came to my head was that i didn't get to hear him and feel his voice this closely at that time.
Maybe if we spoke more when we hugged.. Maybe if we were more open and less selfish then we wouldn't have to carry the pain of that time for what's left of our lives.
I kissed the tip of his shoulder and i asked:
_"you were looking more at me because you were afraid that i will leave again?"
_"No" he answered.. "It was because i was feeling thankful that you finally came back, i really .. Really missed you for a long time."
He finally hugged me back tightly, and repeated:
_"i love you Noursine, more than my words can tell."
In the end i got to hear the magic words from him, but somehow i felt pained hearing them.
I never asked him how he lived those long years nor i will, i always had the feeling that this period of our marriage is a dark spot in Eliyas's life that he doesn't want me to ask about unless he told me about it.
I feel so pained by the mention of this particur event: i was sitting on the bed once when i looked at Eliyas's bare ankle by accident and i noticed a scar above it. Three years ago i pretended that i was attempting suicide when i felt desperate and had no other choice to make Eliyas leave me, i held a knife to my neck.. I didn't hurt my self ultimately nor i had the intention to, but while we argued i threw the knife i held on the floor.. And that knife flipped and accidently cut his leg. I saw the bleeding wound i caused when he was cleaning the cut on my sofa.. The scar he had was exactly there.
I never thought I left a scar on him as well.. For long years I thought the only scars we had were mine. When looking at his ankle I realised the strong man sitting beside me didn't walk out from our marriage unwounded after all.
Feeling so guilty when seeing his hidden injury, I reached the tips of my fingers and tried to touch it, I barely touched it when Eliyas jolted all at sudden and moved his leg so far from me.
_" I left a scar on you" I whispered looking at his fleeing eyes.
He didn't comment.. He just found some lame excuse a bit later and left the room, somehow we ended up having this tacit understanding that I shall not talk to him about that period unless he mentions it.
When we finally left the villa garden near sunset and we went inside the villa again we coincidentally met Nana walking in the hall, I so naively and excitedly said:
_"Nana, do you want to go to S city? Don't you miss going there?"
she gave me a scornful look and scolded:
_"how do you expect me to go to S city with my head lifted up? The last time I left that place I told all the neighbors that my granddaughter is going to be married to my rich grandson and that i won't be back there unless I bring my great grandchild with me! I know it is a matter of Allah's bless if a couple can get a child.. Or can't, But you two didn't even try to see a doctor! This isn't fate .. This is your own deed!"
I finally understood the true reason why Eliyas spoke about seeing a gynecologist the moment i spoke about S city, as turned out to be.. This man who barely visited twice a year knew the locals much more than i did!