I couldn't breathe.
For a very long time I thought only phobia could make me suffocate, not knowing that in my life I will live worst situations than a panic attack.
Take a trust attack as an example.
My vision was so blurry and the voices were fading around me, all I wanted was someone to lean on.
In that terrible state, which was caused by this husband of mine's confession, the only person I still wanted to lean on and wholeheartedly trusted was actually him, this husband of mine.
I hate feelings, I don't know if such hatred should be logic or explained but I sincerely hate feelings, I hate how we can't control them .. And how contradicted they make us.
In my blurry state I was held by strong arms which felt like sponge though, my name was constantly called, and the typical Algerian Eliyas brought a bottle of water in the speed of the light and was in the process of flashing my face with water when I finally had my full consciousness back.
I was sitting on a sofa.
The first thing i did was to push Eliyas's body that supported mine, then i coldly said:
_"get away from me."
He closed his eyes then sighed in relief, then he calmly stepped away, such silly behavior can only be explained with one contradicted and illogical humanly nature called: feelings, otherwise who would be dumb enough to exhale in relief while being kicked away?
I'm emphasizing on this concept which can not be explained nor controlled because what will happen afterwards will only be a pure battle where feelings took full control and logic just walked out of the room.
_" Noursine i think you misunderstood, let me explain." Eliyas immediately said once he was few steps away from me.
i didn't even look at him, I tried to take control of my emotions then i interrupted him:
_" tell me what happened? Did your precious father send people to kill mine? Or did he kill him by his own hands? "
_"No.. How could you even__.. No!" Eliyas replied confused and surprised of how my imagination went this far.
_"did your father threaten him.. So my father killed himself? Or did he get him involved in some illegal business?" I asked again.
_"Noursine!" Eliyas called my name imposingly, making me raise my eyes to look at him.
He was staring at me very seriously, so did I, he asked:
_"What do you think of me? Do you think i would just stand aside if my father was truly involved in killing my uncle?"
No matter how i looked at him, i simply knew he was powerful and ruthless .. I didn't know how far he could go, so i said my honest opinion:
_" i don't know.. I truly don't, you even manipulated the law when my son died because of you and you never got any punishment." i replied.
_"you have crossed your limits" Eliyas said.. Having a broken yet strong Aura.
His face, was the darkest i have ever seen.
you see, Eliyas doesn't have so many weak points.. I bet he cleared all distractions from his way and led a straight emotionless life in order to not let his enemies get a chance to take him down using them, this powerful man only had two weak points which he surprisingly couldn't control: his complicated feelings towards me, the accident which made us lose our son.
And I used them both in one sentence, i crushed him far beyond his capacity to endure.. I was merciless with him.
During our short married life which was full of hurtful words and actions, i was ruthless with that man.. So was he, but if i need to mention only two major events in which my words truly and totally broke his heart then i have to mention these:
1_ the words i said right before he left me for 3 years, while quarreling i shouted:
_"sometimes i feel thankful that my baby had left very early and didn't meet a father like you!"
I'm not blind, i saw how his eyes broke at that moment, and i chose to ignore the hurt i caused to him.
2_the words i said right now.
He was looking at me as if he couldn't believe i had the heart to say such thing, as if he no longer could stand the sight of me, then he just walked to go sit on a chair far away from me, he finally said:
_" Noursine Saadat, i suggest you go consult a capable lawyer instead of the rocky lawyer you wasted your money on and who only filled you up with nonsense in the matter of our son's accident, maybe then your head will be enlightened with some actual facts such us the justice only follows laws and not emotions, in the law what happened with you was an unintentional accident that has only compensation as punishment, i did not run from justice.. I followed it and if you still want to jail me then go ahead and try again, and again, until you're satisfied that the justice won't simply jail me for hurting your feelings"
He laughed mockingly once he finished talking as if the person sitting in front of me was no longer Eliyas, but simply a man who wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He said:
_" i didn't know you actually thought so poor of me, am i this low in your eyes? I can be an accomplice in a crime? you want the whole truth Noursine Saadat? Fine.. You take it then."
At that moment, it felt like i was dead in his heart.. He didn't even look at me when he continued laughing painfully, he exhaled for so long and then he said:
_"your father wasn't as amazing as you might think he was, he never had a stable work, he depended on my father for all his finances, you might go ask that Nadir whatever about this.. I'm sure he'll sugarcoat his explanation at first, he'll tell you how your father struggled and suffered, he'll say all the words you need to hear to feel pleased of course.. but he'll admit it eventually, that your father simply was dependant on us. He came to our house to ask for more money to open a new project, and my father refused, they had a dispute like one of these i have with you.. Harsh words had been said, and your father left after that fight, and had an accident 2 hours later.. And this, is my father's only relation in your father's death."
He paused.. Covered his face with his palms and whispered repeatedly:
_" astaghfirou allah" ( may god forgive me)
( authors note: as you might not know, "astaghfirou allah" is often uttered as a mean to control one's emotions )
He looked at me again disdainfully and continued:
_" My father humiliated his brother, in every way, i'm not going to defend anyone.. Since this matter has no relation to me, if you have anything to ask .. Then you go to belguassem filladi because i'm not him, as for us Noursine Saadat, i only kept this from you at first in fear you will misinterpret our marriage proposal as an act of pity and compensation, then i kept it for longer because i simply forgot about it, when this fellow Nadir came to see me threatening to expose it i was afraid this matter that had nothing to do with me will still take us down to square one because this is simply who you are Noursine, you always mix facts together and judge me for things i haven't done!"
He stood up from his chair.. And walked towards me with disgust and hatred in his eyes, he pointed his finger at me and yelled:
_" it wasn't only my fault that my son died ! If you didn't have this mentality of yours back then my son would have been standing by my side now and calling me father! You accused me of cheating with no proof! You said i cheated when all i did was to work like a slave just to become a CEO to protect you! So i can be able to announce this marriage and give my son a name without fearing that someone might threaten to kill you just to take me down before i'm in power! Do you think I was iddly ignoring you?! I worked like a slave to everyone just to keep you safe!"
I didn't know about that.. I genuinely didn't know my life could have been in real danger if Eliyas announced my presence, still.. I had things to declare too. I stood up from the sofa to properly confront him and i yelled:
_" don't you dare throw the blame on me! I found you hugging Lydia! I saw you with my own eyes! Then at the party You were standing by her side and your mother introduced you both as an engaged couple! Your pictures with her were all over the country! I had all the proofs yet you never tried to explain.. You just left me to my suspicions, you didn't care about my opinion nor my health! Your son wouldn't have been standing beside you anyways because my pregnancy was endangered and you never cared to know!"
_" i haven't hugged her!!" He Yelled at the top of his lungs " i was disgusted with her! I had to support her just because she stupidly unveiled info about her father! I told you you misunderstood .. I begged you to give me time and trust me! But you chose to walk on my heart.. should i remind you how you reported your pregnancy to me? You deliberately stepped on my heart! And you always did this Noursine, you always enjoyed walking on my heart and pride!"
We argued for a very long time that day, we had the fight we should have had 3 years earlier.
So many facts were unveiled that day: like how Eliyas had blamed me too for losing our child, like how he blamed me for never trying to reach him for three long years, like how he had loved me and hated me at the same time.
And how he waited.. And waited.. And desperately still waiting for me to change.
Thankfully Nadir's urgent demand to meet with me was not handed to Eliyas, doing that.. I almost lost the chance to know the truth that was kept from me for so long.
Hereby, i send my attributions to Nadir: the brave knight and filial son who chose to play with fire for only god knows what suicidal reason, and to Eliyas: ..that scum.. who thought he could simply hide and ignore the hurtful truth to keep our marriage, which in result ended up resulting in much more damage, and who still stupidly decided he could curry on holding his wounds and insecurities to himself without letting me know of his thoughts.
After we quarreled until it was a nighttime and there was really nothing left to say.. We only sat down each taking one side of the office, Just tired of everything.
I said after a long silence:
_" i don't blame anyone for my father's death, after your explanation, it was just an accident and you all didn't have to keep it from me."
I casted him a cold look and then i said:
_"i'm leaving"
Once i said that, Eliyas who had been sitting far in the other corner stood up again and shouted at the top of his lungs:
_" i swear if you leave now you won't find me even if you try to come back!"
The moment he finished saying these words, we both remembered that they were said before between us..
I was the one who said them..
Right before the accident.. That was the last thing i said to Eliyas almost begging him while holding tight on his bag. If he stayed at that moment then everything would have been totally different.. yet he carelessly chose to leave amid his anger, he left me behind after he pushed me, and the rest you know it.
I knew exactly how he felt at that moment.. For the first time, i knew exactly how he felt.
And for the first time as well, he was put in my shoes.. And he knew how i lived that moment, and why i never had the heart to forgive him.
Sometimes trying to understand the others is a very incompetent deed.. Very incomplete. Because you can't do that unless you were put in the same situation, same background and circumstances, only then you would know their true pain.. And completely understand.
Once he finished saying these words, Eliyas stared at me for a long time while breathing quickly and hardly, with his face getting red and his eyes getting moist.
Then .. He cried.
He cried awfully, Standing far away from me .. He just cried for everything.
Eliyas sat back on the chair and he just buried his face between his hands and didn't dare look up at me.
The man who i haven't seen crying ever since he was 12, who haven't cried through all that we lived.. Who haven't even shed a tear when our son was lost, was crying soundly like i never saw a man crying.
Looking at him in that state broke my heart to a thousand pieces.. I cried in pain with him too.
We were ruins and unrepairable damage, our relationship was just impossibly impossible at that moment, but strangely i didn't want to let him go.
I acted selfishly all the time, and he was right .. I was to hugely blame as well, His words were right.. Every single one of them.
Deep down i knew that at that moment if i made one step far from him then we were truly over, but if i made just one step closer to him.. He'll walk the whole rest of the distance to me.
So i chose what i knew i won't regret for the rest of my life..
I walked towards him.
I hugged his head, and whispered between my tears.
_"Eliyas.. I'll stay.. So look at me.. And let's both take better care of us"
He stood up and hugged me so tight i felt like my bones were being smashed.. He was trembling so much..
He cried for so long while holding me between his arms.. Until he finally stopped.
_" i thought we were truly over this time" he whispered.
And then he let go of me and looked at my face.
His eyes were full of tears.. And his face was red.
He said:
_"i feel so sorry Noursine that i don't dare ask for forgiveness, i don't deserve it.. if you left now i don't have the face to go to you again"
It was at that moment, while seeing that crying hurt face, that i knew i forgave him for everything.
I realised that the guilt this man lived was enough pain for him, and enough punishment, since the greatest guilt we live is the one we feel we don't deserve forgiveness for.
I didn't want to tell him that it was the first time someone ever cried for me, and that i never had someone whom i hurt this much.. Whom i was hurt be this much, but he still persisted and tried to fix things, that it would have been the stupidest decision of my life if i left him.
I wiped his tears, and i said what i believed was more accurate and heartfelt than any of those uncomplete truths.. And that is:
_" where would i go to Eliyas? Hmm?.. I have nowhere but you to go to.. You're my only family.. So let's together fix this family"