_"Forgive me"
Eliyas said.
Once hearing these words whatever silly staring battle I had before came to a quick end.
I looked at him in disgust and laughed mockingly though I felt pained:
_"you dare ask me for forgiveness?"
Maybe he didn't know what to say next.. Or he simply didn't have anything to say next, the result was he didn't speak a word after this.
Still, for some mean heart intention of mine, I decided to step more on his pride so he never asks me such an impossible favor in the future.
I smiled coldly.. And replied:
_"the answer is clearly No, I will never forgive you, I still wish you'll be punished severely."
After I said this, I didn't feel particularly better, these words meant nothing to me and didn't have any weight.
But this was not the case for Eliyas apparently.. It is unimportant anyways to mention his expression, let's just say he wasn't looking pleased with them.
_"I'm leaving" he muttered barely heard.
Then he went back to the living room.. Held his coat and simply walked out of the house all together.
I looked at the closed door with my heart feeling uneasy, it's really hard being around this man, I hate him.. I want him to be in pain.. I want him to suffer so as my son's death don't go unpunished.
But at the same time.. It's still hard for me to see his sad face.
I remember back at those days when I was hospitalized after losing my baby Eliyas was somehow always around.
And by "somehow" I mean he was there at the hospital.. But he didn't dare to come inside my room to see me.
Actually, I only knew about his secret staying in the hospital thanks to my dear grandmother. Although she supposedly came to take care of me.. She did everything except for that.
I was pretty much unconscious for the few first days so I had no memories of me falling into sepsis because of the infected wounds in my thighs which was the result of me being taken to the hospital a bit late in a critical condition. I was later told that my temperature went crazy high and I looked so sour that no one believed I was going to wake up again.
They were even informed that things can go further worse, that I will within hours develop a condition which would cost me my limbs, my organs or my life.. It was just the scariest news.
The machines that were attached to me rang alarmingly repeatedly, and in each and every time when the doctors rushed inside the room it meant that they will walk out with either bad news or the worst of news.
My grandmother said that it was mostly Eliyas being alone through all of this because she couldn't support the stress of being informed that I was going to die at any given moment so many times during those days so she simply went home and asked Eliyas to call her only when I survive or when I definitely die, which is quite ruthless if you ask my opinion. To both me and Eliyas to be left alone in such situation.
Quite heartless..
Actually thinking that the only person who stayed by my side when I was likely to die was Eliyas filladi I feel sorry for both of us, no matter how heartless he is, it still must have made him feel guilty being reminded many times through the day that his wife might end up dying because of his mistake, not to mention that he already lost his son, He sure must have suffocated in regret unless he is a psychopath which is not the case.
I recovered ultimately so my grandmother finally decided to act like a decent family member and she came to stay by my bed side.
After I woke up I was in a poor state both physically and mentally. I lost a son after all .. In a horrible way.
The first thing I wanted to do after waking up was to send that man to jail.. Which unfortunately didn't happen. So imagine how I felt when coming to know that the murderer of both me and my son was the only person to never leave the hospital and my only guardian.
how absolutely alone and abandoned I were..
I felt even worse when being informed that he was still staying in the hospital acting as if he was the selfless husband who cared about his wife and family like no one else did.. I was burning in rage.
I remember my grandmother was sitting to the right side of my bed on a chair.. She was smashing fruits for me when she accidentally said:
_"Eliyas bought these fruits for you but he didn't dare walk inside the room to give them to you, he's sleeping in the hospital lately that is if you call to drowse for minutes and wake up to ask about you in terror sleeping. What an unfortunate man he is.."
Once she finished talking she finally noticed that the sick woman who was lying on the bed like a corpse for days, namely me, suddenly pulled off the IV needle and attempted to stand up.
The rage was moving me.
I wasn't even thinking clearly .. I just wanted to see that shameless man .. To beat him to death!
Since I had no memory of what happened to me I overestimated my strength way too much.
I didn't move for one step when I already fell hard on the ground and my head began to feel like a cold sponge.
_"Eliyas! Help! Call the doctor!" My grandmother yelled at the top of her lungs while trying to make me stand up.
Eliyas dashed inside the room right away as if he was guarding the door.
Once he reached me he quickly pressed some button above my bed before kneeling on the ground beside me to check on me.
He silently looked right at my face, he didn't even ask how I was.. He only stared at me with his eyes empty, Then, he held me between his arms and curried me back to my bed.
I haven't seen him ever since our last fight before the accident, I found that he looked awful compared to that last image of him in my head.
He was paler and thinner, his clothes were creased and hair messy, even his beard became messily unshaved and his lips were dry.
But what was much more different about him was the look in his eyes, they were .. soulless.
As if they had a bulb shining inside them before and suddenly it extinguished.
A medical team soon came inside and so many procedures were made, when they finished their work and I gained back my full consciousness I saw Eliyas sitting on the sofa far away from the whole medical stuff.. He was burying his head between the palms of his hands seemingly looking like of he was living a never ending nightmare.
One of the doctors said to me:
_"Mrs Filladi.. Your condition is stable for now but I need to remind you that you should rest for the time being__"
_"my name is Noursine, so call me Noursine" I corrected him.
I looked at Eliyas while saying this, it definetely caught his attention, because he finally raised his eyes to look at me, at that moment, I desperately wished that my stares could kill.
That was our first real encounter after the accident.
I kept staring at him until the doctors left, my tears started to fall despite me so I stubbornly wiped them and tried to act strong.
_"Nana.. Will you leave us alone, please." Eliyas calmly asked my grandmother.
She weakly nodded her head while sighing.. then left the big room following the medical group.
He stood up and slowly walked towards my bed.
He looked ready for whatever words I was about to say, however, the moment I said:
_"just leave me alone, I don't want to see your face ever again."
He looked utterly puzzled and hurt.
I didn't even blame him for anything at the time, I felt that doing this, I mean talking to him, was useless and pointless, I wanted the justice and Allah to take care of his matter because I just had no will to fight anymore.
After seeing this scum's face my whole rage suddenly vanished. After saying these words I treated him like thin air.. As if he was not there any longer.. I turned to look at the opposite side and ignored his existence.
He didn't try to apologize then, nor asked for forgiveness.
Such a person.. How can I forgive him?
Definitely not..
Looking at the closed door of my apartment, I realised that I never moved on actually, my anger and disappointment never resigned. I still fail to believe he actually left me behind and never looked back.. That Eliyas, the Eliyas I know, hurt me the most in this lifetime, I can't forgive that.
I unsurprisingly had a relapse of fever that evening, when going to the closet to get more clothes to put on I found Eliyas's black expensive custom made suit still hanging inside. I laughed thinking that he indeed was planning to move his wardrobe to my house.
For some insignificant unknown reason I took the jacket between my hands, then I put it on.
Don't ask me why I did that, I really have no idea.
Maybe I was curious to know how it will look on me.. Which will explain why I went to look at my self in the mirror just after I put the jacket on.
It was a bit large on me.. Definitely taller, especially the sleeves .. They buried even the tips of my fingers inside them.
But to say that I only tried that jacket out of curiosity, it is a total lie to myself and to you.
Seeing how bright my face looked .. How my eyes shined, I realised I simply missed putting his clothes on.
I did it so many times in the past..
Sometimes to simply tease him, sometimes to tempt him. And in many other occasions I put his clothes on and mimicked an annoying business man simply to put a smile on his face, to make him laugh so hard and say:
_"you crazy!"
Remembering that I lived such moments with him as well I suddenly felt that I indeed lost something precious, besides my son.. I lost Eliyas as well, I don't want and I can't take him back.
I didn't take his jacket off though.. I just took treatment for my fever and slept covered in it the whole night.
When waking up the next day I felt slightly better except for having a sore throat. So I decided to go to my work.
After getting my self ready, I went out of my apartment building.
I was surprised to find a man waiting for me outside the building, along with two guards I previously noticed they followed me.
_" this is the driver assigned for you Master lady" one of the two guards soon explained.
I nodded.. Then followed the driver to the car without objecting.
It definitely was better to go to the filladi building with a car, it was much less tiresome plus I saved about half an hour time so I already decided to sleep for extra half an hour for the coming days.
My work was exceptionally easier than I thought it would be, I had to just read and do more reading then write reports.
All was going well for me until about 10 days later I started to notice something weird.. That is: Why haven't I seen Eliyas ever since the day he visited my house?
I mean such a petty person would have came back to take his tuxedo or something, but he surprisingly didn't.
At first I was cool about it and all, I felt very comfortable with his disappearance.. I started to get used to my new work environment and enjoyed the luxury of being driven to work everyday.. However, by the time a month passed since I last saw him I found my self suddenly holding my phone and wanting to call that grandmother of mine to ask her how my dear in-laws were doing recently.
But I was too coward to do it eventually.
Especially that somehow I cut my ties with my grandmother and for the last 3 years it was usually mostly her to call me once in a while.
Consequently, I kept living my free happy days with one tiny unimportant concern that was buried underneath many layers and could barely be found.
That concern was.. "Did something happen to that man?"